Rain Drops

Our tears are like rain drops, while our pain is released and I think helplessly, sadly, that it can ALL seem at times quite a load to carry, way to heavy to feel all so suddenly...

Yet without emotions how do we learn? How do we relate, grieve or let go of life as we use to know it? 

Everything is changing, always it will, but how do we adapt as we go? What is it that makes us want to escape or hide from such pain or lost? Do we ever really survive these challenges? Perhaps healing and hope are things cycling along side the changing times as well....it just takes getting through the tears for that fresh deep breath to begin again. 

Whenever I visit my mother there is a struggle inside that makes me feel so helpless and unable to accept the way we are now, at the very same moment I remind myself how amazing it is to be able to just be with her! So the struggling of what story do I tell myself takes over, I wonder how do our tears know when to fall? How we learn without our emotions? It's all a part of growth, of a journey to live....

Into the Black

As the disco ball spun around last night during the show I sat dazed in thought for a moment thinking on how Life is far to short to miss out on ANY of it! I sat there for a few seconds alone remembering the recent passing of a dog named Izzy, and ALL the currently changing events in my own day to day life....Even this arriving new summer season brings me closer to a year ago when my mother almost died. So I stared up at the moving magical disco ball again, for it was cycling the room with those reflecting sparkles.....One moment we are here, then next we gone. What do we choose to do with the time we still have left?

Rest In Peace

Now I had been wondering how long  dear Izzy of bedlam farm would fight against cancer, or how it works in treating a dog that is in such pain? How do you keep the dog from suffering during the tratmen practices? Don't take the quality of life anyway or does it? I was at the vet a few months ago getting my cat updated on shots and a lady standing next to me was very surprised by the angery approach of this veterinarian doctor. I watched and listened on but tried not to be in the way of their discussion.....This vet said her dog had missed several cancer treatments, she fumbled around explaining she thought her dog was on a monthly treatment because the cost was truly high....then this frustrated doctor chewed her out in his explaining once a dog has cancer, you had to either fight the cancer aggressively (meaning take the dog in for treatment EVERY week) or just monthly but from what the vet said her dog couldn't do a monthly program and later do the weekly if he got worse.....I was a bit confused thinking to myself That really first off if he spoke to me like that I would not fumble around, I would hold my ground, look him in the eye and say sweetly that I won't be needing his services or attitude on this issue. But then again I was NOT the one in the "hot seat" of judgement so who knows if I could have been that clever in such a moment? The lady looked helpless and guilty, I think we have this whole animal health care cost and "standards" mixed up. It's not the body of the pet we need to keep on living it is the quality, the happiness for the animal, the GOOD things such a life force needs until it's ready, until their soul knows how to REST IN PEACE. I honestly believe THIS is what we should strive for with our pets, with our lives........Now thinking back on Izzy being laid to rest yesterday, I can't help but cry and be so very sad.....What a dog!  Although I am peacefully remembering him, the fact he didn't struggle, suffer long painful days or was kept alive on a breathing machine helps me think he left this world in a balanced way....One full of total love, tears and hugs as honoring as he was in being alive towards others. We can all rest in peace with him....

Izzy

When it comes to reflecting over this being April and how in  JUST one simple, crazy, heart braking, struggling, VERY difficult year ago from then to now looking back in my shining light, beautiful, happy thoughts are of meeting JON KATZ:-D 
   I will smile happily and forever in remembering that time and ALWAYS such a great memory! Since that amazingly fun weekend in Portland I have seen 12 months go by in such trauma and sadness that I am STILL afraid to be relaxed yet into my life again....Reading almost every day my favorite blog  
Bedlam Farm, I find myself very grateful to have met those delightful people who share their writings and thoughts in ways I hope to copy! I can sense a change, a worry about one of the dogs as I read along and then I purposely step back to get ready for the knowledge of death, really the transformation of the soul to be free from this earth.....WE are the ones still left living that will be sad, know this loss and feel lonely. I can comfort myself by thinking the one we loved now moves forward to a magical level we can only imagine.....This changing time for Izzy, a dog I admire and adore! Especially from all the books Jon captures of him, Izzy is so loved and so beautiful that last summer when my mother's stroke took the wind out of my sails, I read a book about Izzy to her and smiled in the comfort of such a caring loving good dog! I showed her pictures of Izzy laying with his elderly friends as they passed on and he knew the need to stay close until the end. Now it's important to mention once the person's soul is gone a dog knows this and moves on in the day without any hysterical drama. PEACE is what I have learned from Izzy and what I hope he can have over these next few months, weeks or days.....PEACE is what I send with all my heart's strength in peaceful prayers and thoughts of love to move on.  

To Dear Sweet Izzy I whisper into the spring breeze "Suffer not...for you should be so proud of all your hard work,  how you lived with grace and most importantly that you were loved!"

St. Augustine Florida

           When the airplane landed last week I was ready to see Florida for the very first time EVER, For the bright full sun greeted us with such warmth that I quickly took my traveling sweater off. Such amazing air filled my lungs with a slight misting feeling (Humidity)....later that night I would see as I drove the rental car down that dark highway these small beads of water hanging in the air just floating there in place against the glow of the head lights. "Wow...It looks like magical crystals floating in place!" I explained to my Husband Tony, for we had decided suddenly within a couple of weeks of planning to make our vacation this year be in Florida since it is a place that neither of us have ever been to, although I had heard many stories of people loving to live there, I had felt like it was out of reach for a long time, rather far away from Boise Idaho if I thought long enough about it......Then suddenly Tony asked me so why not check it out?

It's a tropical place with both palm trees and evergreen pines growing together in this mix match way.....I thought about all the things growing around me as I took in the neighborhood of our bed and breakfast, walking lazily through sidewalks and boat docks I was amazed at how much I wanted to stay here instantly and maybe even open my own Bed and Breakfast....(It's rather fun to think about or dream of new adventures in life) I was amazed at how fast I changed from wanting to stay put back home to now seeing Florida as a potential new home! I LOVED it ALL, I really did!

The vacation ended up being way to fast, at least for all the places we still wanted to see....

One of our afternoons was spent in St. Augustine, the oldest city in North America. Truly a City of pure Class, of such historical architectural buildings and houses. With those tiny one car streets surrounded by cute cottages or doll houses in this Victorian setup made walking by foot or riding in the adorable horse and buggy much more peaceful! (Ya know a place without cars has always been my ideal life style) I loved the over all feeling of this community in such a touristic town and with all my thoughts about history brought me to realize how important it is in what we leave behind, in what we build now. We need better quality in our over all social setup, to create something that will withstand all our lives as the next generations walk where we were and saw what we did, so that they can enjoy, respect and honor like I sure did in being there! Being in that amazing beautiful St. Augustine!

A Lavender Cocktail or Cock-up?

This evening my beloved talented husband Tony decided to make a lavender cocktail after thinking we have vodka (Always) and I kept a thing of lavender oil in MY bedroom (Yes I still want my own bedroom after almost a decade married, its my girlie space)

So when he asked how much lavender oil to use I wondered if he read the bottle for there some oils not safe to consume.....? Then after he squeezed all our lemons and shook up the martin shaker I smelled lavender clear across the house....(yes a bit strong) Then when he proudly served me the icy made cocktail he really looked so proud, I started to ask again if my essential oil was the type you can eat when the liquid hit my tongue and I KNEW this is NOT the drinking kind of lavender as it burned! gagging and floppy over for fresh water Tony was instantly disappointed and so much like a kid in a science fair with high hopes only to discover it was a flop. I was choking and laughing so hard as he realized while reading out loud in his "Larry David" ways "What!?! Says do not swallow...Are Not ALL oils edible?!? That's Stupid! Why would they make an oil you can't eat???" My nose still burned awhile later from the lavender DO NOT EAT kind of oil and we decided to skip cocktails all together after that! 

Don't Forget....

Don't Forget to Look Up!

Don't forget to see the stars at night and wonder what magic fills their light!

Don't forget to calm down after life sends us such panic!

Don't forget to smell the flowers and see the wind move the trees!

Don't Forget to Look Up!

Don't forget to eat good foods and change your mood!

Don't forget to sleep in and have no plans!

Don't forget to play and just simply enjoy the day!

Don't Forget to Look Up!

Don't forget to see the birds fly up high!

Don't forget to save a worm from the heat!

Don't forget to know how all of life is our personal treat!

Don't Forget to Look up!

Don't forget the butterflies in the sky!

Don't forget the honey bees are friends!

Don't forget when you are down that being silly is like a clown!

Don't Forget to Look Up! No matter what.....Look up and breath, Look up and just BE.

Zumba ha! Zumba hey!

    I just want to write a quick note in honor of my awesome talented friend Brecca along with a big THANK YOU for bringing me into the Zumba world a few months back. I haven't stop thinking of anything else since, not because my life is boring but because I want to get better at this style of dancing so badly! If ever there was a test of embarrassment or perfection struggles within me it came as ZUMBA.....so as I tripped, swung and dipped in the odd ways  or wrong directions to every song I was able to think I sure look like a huge dork! As I could see myself in the huge mirror before us noticing how off I was in dancing from the rest of the group. BUT then I thought of how it is always in me to dance no matter what the world thinks so I keep on moving anyway!

 For if I thought about it I loved every tune, every sweat drop and every clap, I admire our instructor so graceful in routine and flowing in her rhythm. In my very first class I was standing there thinking "How in the world could I ever DO that?!?" Brecca moved and grooved with such grace and confidence that I mostly just tried to copy her! It was good for my heart to laugh at myself and her there encouraging me to keep trying! Now a few weeks later this group of sweet ladies are becoming familiar and I am making new friends quickly! I know that learning how to coordinate and stretch are also important things, I like knowing how to balance myself and to understand dance even better now! Sooo I hope to keep it up as I try to zumba it up 3 times a week....Now if only I could get my feet to move at the same time as my arms hahahahahahahahahaha!

Fast Car

As the weeks have turned into months visiting and caring over my mother has becoming more routine. It is not easy, and I don't try to say that it ever is...However I hope to stay positive, strong and happy for her. I can't explain enough how one has to have endless patience and kindness with helping her. She can be both sweet and stubborn, both giggling or crying, bossy or sleepy. If I could actually own a REAL magic wand to change this whole last year for her I would!

Mom wants to take a road trip soon and I hope she can, I know how  restless she can get when spring comes around just in general and she use to head out to the Oregon Coast (hmmm reminds me of ....MYSELF) My mother's stroke last summer turned the whole world upside down and yet here I am, still standing upright.... 

Maybe she is right in requesting that it's time to take a trip....it's time to get a FAST CAR....

The Departing

For all of my life, as far back as I can remember I have hated war. War movies, shooting and fighting stories/pictures/news coverage I watched them in such deep passionate dislike while thinking how wrong it all is. Even those bible stories as a kid when I was being told of Joshua needing to kill off ALL pagans then when he didn't kill them all God was mad at Joshua. I was confused by this message, It was explained to me that the corruption of these sinful people in the bible will ruin God's plan, Joshua had to kill everyone not in his own group in order to take over the promise land. (Ironically I didn't like this as a kid either) I look back now remembering how psycho the bible actually is. Sadly for many people they still believe this way.....actually our whole government and the men who hold the power tells us the very same story line now! So how did that work out for Joshua? I would risk God's wrath and defy him in NOT killing off all the other countries. We have free will for a reason and I think Joshua couldn't handle any more blood on his hands in God's name.

I hated war and I hated that part about God as I grew up. why would the universal power want to get upset and take revenge? As God why would you react like a human? There are so many other ways to solve problems and disagreements instead of killing off who you don't  like. We have compassion and conversations for this purpose in order to work together, it's a part of our humanity. This weekend as I sat watching families hang on to each other, I had to ask myself once again "Why war? Why can't we problem solve in a better way by now?" So as this army group was leaving for a year in Afghanistan I watched in my reflective thoughts every tear and every hug that unfolded. Do we think that these soldiers lives are worth more now going to war? Do we not realize what we have asked of them as their babies grow up, their families change? I was wishing them blessings and safety as I have supported the troops always I however won't support the wars. These soldiers have a job to do in our military I understand that, but what kind of job does our government ask of us to leave our families behind? How I feel in what is honoring, supporting the troops isn't about sending them away. It is more important to stay together always through out everything but especially through out war time. We can remember that we are stronger in numbers when we come together in that kind of support. 

Will we ever get out this consuming need for world domination in thinking it brings peace? I ask this more from myself then anything. Can we be the change we wish to see in the world? Can we send our military away from home without understanding the full purpose and reasons behind it all? It is heroic to be apart of the send off, to be standing with respect in full of awe the glory to protect our country. But what is the answer, what is it you say to that little kid who sobs out in their sweet soft voice..."Dadddddddy."

  All I can say, all I manage is a whisper of "I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry."

Pin Up Girls

I have always loved "Pin Up Girls", It's such a fun way to celebrate feminine beauty in such an artistic style. My favorite pin up girls pictures are usually the old school classy photos. I feel that being sexy isn't showing so much skin but in displaying the flirting ways of a woman in both inviting and mysterious ways.....A confident woman such as a Pin Up Girl (which is clearly what she is if she can pull off wearing these things in public) gives women everywhere the true art form and celebration of our curvy ways. I am proud of my friends who are pin up girls, who can show off such style with those great smiles! There's just something to be proud of in being a woman when you can tip your hat to these ladies!

Guard Dogs

      The blankets were all laid out, the house was all locked up. Even the storming rain outside made my husband sigh happily to be in his bed. JUST as the dogs all came in behind me...He asked in alarm "Where are they all going to sleep?!?" I chuckled as he is always unsure to how much room in the bed he is going to get every night. I placed my smallest dog Sidda in her usual spot by my pillow. Then I put Minnie my brown fluffy hippy looking dog in the far corner of the bedroom where she likes to be on her own. I then set the large black lab Summer on the dog bed closest to me. Once everyone was settled in along with my 2 miniature schnauzers Oscar and Eddie cuddled up in the bed against my legs. I turned out the lights, the snorting, the scratching and the dreaming of all the dogs went on until everyone was soon fast asleep. The darkness covered the muddy earth, the cold chilly winds blew and the stars peaked in and out of that above moving sky. There, in a quiet cozy warm cottage with white paint pealing off the trim of that green front door had five dogs inside sleeping soundly around my husband and I. Late that night or early morning depending on how you look at the time in the small neighborhood street there was a sound, many sounds of car doors opening and closing that sent these dogs into a panic! Summer with her amazing sense of hearing, was the first to respond in a loud alarming howl! She shot out of the bedroom to protect us all in her strong guard dog ways, I sat straight up with all the dogs barking trying to get an idea of where I was! Then in the few seconds it took us to circle the inside of our home proved no one had broken in after all! But the chaos of five dogs barking being so sure we were under attack took some time to calm them down, just before they all stopped barking Oscar instantly puked. It was all so crazy that the shadows of people moving around outside finally left and I was giggling over how my silly overly dramatic dog Oscar couldn't quite handle the thought of a REAL intruder so he threw up! While Summer was ready to pull the legs off of a boogie man. 

Needless to say it took awhile to have us all fall back to sleep again, and I realized how nice it is to have a real guard dog like Summer visiting!

Dog Sitting

It has been such a wonderful week in being home everyday to play with the dogs! Everyone is suggesting I start my own business in dog sitting or pet care. On Saturday I drove out to Caldwell to spend the whole afternoon with my in-laws cat Finnegan, while watching their dog Eddie back at my home. The cat and I watched tv shows, cuddled and played. He is a young cat full of energy and really I can care for any type of pet while people go on vacation, I love animals just in general! In my cozy little cottage around our bed every night this past week I would place each dog in their beds or area to sleep. Minnie my rescued spaniel likes her own space in the corner with a big fluffy bed and blankets. She is one of my most chilled out dogs that does her own thing, never consumed by other pets. Sidda my tiny fluffy girl sleeps up in the middle of the bed mostly by our heads, she loves this place so dearly that she will freak out if she isn't there when lights go out! Since she can't jump up being a tiny adorable dog (only 7 pounds) I usually put her up while I tuck everyone else into bed. Oscar has spent the last 5 years sleeping next to me, so he is never in question where to go for bed. My 3 dogs have changed my life and made it a wonderful place to live! I like sharing our home with other dogs, Because it is the TRUE nature of every dog to be part of a pack. If they separate from their litter, grow up and become aggressive I like to think back to when they were a puppy loving everything and not being lonely....(Kinda sounds like PEOPLE too) Now Summer the dog I am also dog sitting for a friend this week, is a big black lab who loves to play fetch endlessly and likes to get her belly rubbed as much as possible. In her first day with me, we were always cuddling and I knew I could trust her perfectly. She is a powerful dog and I really love having such a great guard dog in the house...she goes back home tomorrow and I will miss her sweetness! (Although I may have her for a whole month down the road and that would be perfect!) AND I know it will be awhile before (years even) I can get my own lab dog, having Summer for the week has been a true treat for me as I really believe that Labrador retrievers are the "Dogs of LOVE"