The night before Thanksgiving as I had the windows open and the music playing I twirled around in my kitchen with the whole day in the kitchen baking up a storm, It had been such an emotional day for me as I tied on my apron and rolled up my sleeves for all the baking I had on my list to do.
"How can I ever create a Happy Thanksgiving ever again?" I asked myself as I cried, as I took a deep strong breath of morning fresh air and began to distract my grief into cooking. The end result was I made a ton of food, I simply never wanted to slow down and never wanted to stop cooking getting ready for the next day when my family came for Thanksgiving as one year ago we had all arrived here with Derek in charge of the big family meal. my heart will always hurt and I will always miss him...especially on Thanksgiving now. "Dear Derek, I miss you so much, I wish you were here along side me again cooking together and chatting it up!" I proudly rolled out my pie dough to place his huckleberry peach filling he left in the freezer to bake up in honor of him.
The ballet was so magical and so beautiful I was left in such awe and wonder of it all as Grandma Beth sat beside me, she said "This isn't easy to understand at all, do you know what it's about?"
I chuckled and leaned into her explaining what I did know as I joked back "It is hard to follow. yet it's sure beautiful." She patted my arm saying "I am so glad you are here honey or I be completely lost." I whispered a lot of details for her as she kept asking me "Now what just happened?"
"How can I ever create a Happy Thanksgiving ever again?" I asked myself as I cried, as I took a deep strong breath of morning fresh air and began to distract my grief into cooking. The end result was I made a ton of food, I simply never wanted to slow down and never wanted to stop cooking getting ready for the next day when my family came for Thanksgiving as one year ago we had all arrived here with Derek in charge of the big family meal. my heart will always hurt and I will always miss him...especially on Thanksgiving now. "Dear Derek, I miss you so much, I wish you were here along side me again cooking together and chatting it up!" I proudly rolled out my pie dough to place his huckleberry peach filling he left in the freezer to bake up in honor of him.
Grief is a process and takes time to be comfortable again with the new information that someone we loved has died.
For me the day before Thanksgiving was painful and I cried so hard, so long then I put some of my favorite songs on and I sang at the top of my lungs!
Then soon I was dancing with flour and sugar flying out every where around me, I was happy again after thinking of what a good day with family I will make for tomorrow, I am very thankful for my family, my 3 young brothers are now young men so I want to know who they are now. What are their passions, their lives stories and ideas are!
Joy comes to us in pain.
For me it was 5 baked pies and 10 pounds of mashed potatoes along side cole slaw, cranberry sauce, and smoked salmon dip. I was putting my grief into baking and making foods.
When Tony got home from work the house was wide open to the world outside all the pets were worn out from chasing the ball or being outside so much in the warm weather. I had Christmas music on for the evening that he laughed when he arrived "I should of known you would sneak in the Christmas music for Thanksgiving!"
I explained how I delighted in the hope of the holidays, I need all the help I can get to be in the present moment of joy.
It always seem like everything is perfect and peaceful just before more sad news.
I looked around joking with my husband and peeling potatoes into the nice warm fall night, he kicked back to watch our favorite Thanksgiving movie "Trains, Planes and Automobiles." with cats and dogs cuddling him and I worrying over the potatoes, I looked out my kitchen windows and froze for a moment as I had a thought "Goodbye Grandma."
I saw Grandma Beth outside in a faint shadow waving at me like she was proud to see me there cooking away for my big family. She knew what a delight it was to bring all 7 of her kids together over the years tooo.
Then suddenly I jumped to the sound of Tony's cell phone ringing back in his office. He didn't move from his comfortable place watching the comedy.
"Tony Honey, You need to go answer your phone." I waited he didn't reply so I said again "Tony please get up and go answer your phone because your Grandma Beth has died."
He looked back at me automatically saying "Don't be crazy." then he looked at me over his shoulder suspiciously as I was already crying and saying "Dear, Dear Grandma Beth."
My husband looked at me sideways and in alarm for my sudden burst of tears just as my own phone rang as I saw my mother-in-law Jo Ann was calling and I told him "Yup, it's your mother." He turned off the movie and sat there looking alarmed. I answered with "I'm so sorry Mom. I know it's hurts so much to loose your mother." She burst out "How did you know!?!?" I explained that I was peeeling potatoes right then and felt myself saying "Goodbye Grandma."
For me the day before Thanksgiving was painful and I cried so hard, so long then I put some of my favorite songs on and I sang at the top of my lungs!
Then soon I was dancing with flour and sugar flying out every where around me, I was happy again after thinking of what a good day with family I will make for tomorrow, I am very thankful for my family, my 3 young brothers are now young men so I want to know who they are now. What are their passions, their lives stories and ideas are!
Joy comes to us in pain.
For me it was 5 baked pies and 10 pounds of mashed potatoes along side cole slaw, cranberry sauce, and smoked salmon dip. I was putting my grief into baking and making foods.
When Tony got home from work the house was wide open to the world outside all the pets were worn out from chasing the ball or being outside so much in the warm weather. I had Christmas music on for the evening that he laughed when he arrived "I should of known you would sneak in the Christmas music for Thanksgiving!"
I explained how I delighted in the hope of the holidays, I need all the help I can get to be in the present moment of joy.
It always seem like everything is perfect and peaceful just before more sad news.
I looked around joking with my husband and peeling potatoes into the nice warm fall night, he kicked back to watch our favorite Thanksgiving movie "Trains, Planes and Automobiles." with cats and dogs cuddling him and I worrying over the potatoes, I looked out my kitchen windows and froze for a moment as I had a thought "Goodbye Grandma."
I saw Grandma Beth outside in a faint shadow waving at me like she was proud to see me there cooking away for my big family. She knew what a delight it was to bring all 7 of her kids together over the years tooo.
Then suddenly I jumped to the sound of Tony's cell phone ringing back in his office. He didn't move from his comfortable place watching the comedy.
"Tony Honey, You need to go answer your phone." I waited he didn't reply so I said again "Tony please get up and go answer your phone because your Grandma Beth has died."
He looked back at me automatically saying "Don't be crazy." then he looked at me over his shoulder suspiciously as I was already crying and saying "Dear, Dear Grandma Beth."
My husband looked at me sideways and in alarm for my sudden burst of tears just as my own phone rang as I saw my mother-in-law Jo Ann was calling and I told him "Yup, it's your mother." He turned off the movie and sat there looking alarmed. I answered with "I'm so sorry Mom. I know it's hurts so much to loose your mother." She burst out "How did you know!?!?" I explained that I was peeeling potatoes right then and felt myself saying "Goodbye Grandma."
We ended that late late night just before hosting Thanksgiving in tears and in stories of Grandma Beth.
It was cozy in the candle light and warm blankets on the couches.
I was already for the holiday with every dish made and my list done.
Tony said "Well let's make my Grandma proud and have a great day full of family and friends tomorrow!" and so we did.
It was cozy in the candle light and warm blankets on the couches.
I was already for the holiday with every dish made and my list done.
Tony said "Well let's make my Grandma proud and have a great day full of family and friends tomorrow!" and so we did.
I chuckled and leaned into her explaining what I did know as I joked back "It is hard to follow. yet it's sure beautiful." She patted my arm saying "I am so glad you are here honey or I be completely lost." I whispered a lot of details for her as she kept asking me "Now what just happened?"
We ended that lovely event with me dropping her off at her lovely home and I realized how she wasn't ever going to be driving herself around anymore or at least shouldn't be driving because it was easy to see how confused she was becoming. We had dressed up and we gone to this classy event, I kept my arm around hers for most of it all as she would explain how nothing looked as she remembered it. For being so beautiful Grandma was a natural, sweet thoughtful person and I was delighted to be there for her on that starry night at the ballet.
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