I don't think I can write it all out, it has been to much to handle!
This new year has found me worn out and beaten down, I am afraid of the future to be honest......
I have been counting the blessings more on that list of this year because of how painful the losses have been, yet maybe I just want to start all over again.
Let me go back in time to warn myself on my birthday in January when my husband took me out for a nice dinner. If I could just see myself sitting by candle light I would rush up to my table with my new eye glasses and my new short hair to explain to my twisted up long hair and old jacket self "Stop! Don't leave this spot, for the future is NOT good! Don't move forward into the dying of the light!" That is what I would say in one helpless breath! Then of course my old self would be stunned and confused. The future never meets back up with the past for all the harm it could do......
Instead I felt very optimistic that night as I turned 38. I felt like everything was getting better, even my marriage was improving and I was delighted in some new gray hairs on my head.
I feel very different now as I will be 39 in a few weeks.....I feel afraid of the future actually.
My heart has been hurting through this first holiday season without my brother Derek close by.
I think that's why I am so emotional at the drop of a hat,in a single second I am in tears. (more then the usual even I've noticed)
I can't hold back this pain in my chest that has never gone away since he died. I can't fix this, I can't make it better yet I always want to try, I always want to find the happy ending or better perspective. I think that's a life lesson in and of it's self right there for me too.
Since the future won't have him waiting out there in it, I think it's why I am afraid of this new year, perhaps I am traumatized. It all takes time to heal, or to adapt to this new information in my life, it takes more time then even I know.
Yet the hope of the future is in the fact we have no idea what to expect, 12 new months ahead for new life and new stories, I like the sense of adventure and of hope.
For my heart feels the love that the future holds in celebrating new births after all these deaths, I am in awe of that circle of life.
I am grateful to be a small part of it, as like with today I felt so very grateful to see my friends at the hospital, to see their first born baby boy in his tiny little bed tucked up inside the safety of modern medicine.
We've been celebrating/looking forward to his arrival for months now and yet he came early, and yet he is one of the wonders of the future!
It's such a magical thing to see new life for a new year with new stories to be told!
I know that I can delight in this love and in this joy, I am deeply thankful and grateful each day begins again.
Into the future a new year will finds us just as we are.
With little wee ones awakening up into their new world called the future, called to life.
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