Derek, My Brother.

I want my brother Derek to come back in to my life, I want to hear him tell me how to drive once again.

I want to hear him laugh like he use to, with that sweet clever smile on his face.

I want to hear about his trip to China, hear about his love for cooking and I want to hear about his funny stories in being with our little brothers.

I want to walk with him through the mall while pushing our mom in her wheel chair as we shop together.

I want to just sit beside him at any family event.

I want to see him wink at me in the moment of conversation.

I want my brother Derek to come back to life! To see him wave at me and give me one of his big bear hugs once again.

Yet what I want isn't how this year went, it's not even possible.

I want to never see 2017 ever again, I want to blow it up like a scene in a movie....

I want to never forget and never remember all these days in this year.....

I will always have these tears of grief, I will always keep saying "Dear Derek." to myself for the rest of my life.

Keiser Report: What Will 2018 Bring Us? (E1169)

A year of the President

Read Jon Katz Blog Post link here.

             It has been almost a year now with President Trump, it has been about the same time since I have stopped calling myself a liberal too. 

The Conservatives/ the Republicans  had won the election last November with him over Clinton.

 It's very easy for me to understand what happened. 

 It was all so embarrassing and ridiculous so I choose to not be of either political party.

A year has gone by with this famous rich man as our nation's leader. 

The word "Entertainment." comes to my mind as I remember him from the very popular TV show "The Apprentice."

Of course looking back to last January I was so worried that women would be set back from the progress we have made in this country with a New President so blatantly disrespectful. 

I can understand more how this Nation is changing, adapting and learning. 

I feel like women have become very strong under his disrespect, under the awareness in being involved with what he says and does. 

I am left embarrassed by the behavior of the Democratic party and by the Republicans. 

It's easy to see why I call myself an independent, especially after this first year of Trump.

I evaluate the person in the moment on the News, I don't blindly or loyally follow so I consider this a good thing, a progressive thing in me. 

Sometimes I think would be nice to be apart of a group guaranteed to make the world a better place in which I don't have to ask "Is our leader good or bad? Smart or stupid?" I can just help make the world better......Oh wait! I can just make the world a better place! Who the President is will change in future but the needs of the people and the needs of the earth will always be there! 

My young friend Tally exclaimed to me as we went out for a day of fun together last January for my birthday, she exclaimed "It's Horrible! It's so scary! Because Trump could throw my mom in jail for being a lesbian!" I half hugged her as we walked around together I reassured her "We the people will not allow that to happen, We are a powerful force that the President can't just do whatever he wants. Don't worry, you are not all alone in this society and if ya really think about it when you go to vote in 8 years from now he won't even be on the list of choices, Let's not give him the power to worry us, to ruin our day!"         

Into The Future

               

It's been quite the year that as I wrote out my year end review I got rather sick to my stomach and stopped.

I don't think I can write it all out, it has been to much to handle!

      This new year has found me worn out and beaten down, I am afraid of the future to be honest......

I have been counting the blessings more on that list of this year because of how painful the losses have been, yet maybe I just want to start all over again. 

Let me go back in time to warn myself on my birthday in January  when my husband took me out for a nice dinner. If I could just see myself sitting by candle light I would rush up to my table with my new eye glasses and my new short hair to explain to my twisted up long hair and old jacket self "Stop! Don't leave this spot, for the future is NOT good! Don't move forward into the dying of the light!" That is what I would say in one helpless breath! Then of course my old self would be stunned and confused. The future never meets back up with the past for all the harm it could do......

Instead I felt very optimistic that night as I turned 38. I felt like everything was getting better, even my marriage was improving and I was delighted in some new gray hairs on my head. 

I feel very different now as I will be 39 in a few weeks.....I feel afraid of the future actually.

          My heart has been hurting through this first holiday season without my brother Derek close by.

I think that's why I am so emotional at the drop of a hat,in a single second I am in tears. (more then the usual even I've noticed)

  I can't hold back this pain in my chest that has never gone away since he died. I can't fix this, I can't make it better yet I always want to try, I always want to find the happy ending or better perspective. I think that's a life lesson in and of it's self right there for me too.

Since the future won't have him waiting out there in it, I think it's why I am afraid of this new year, perhaps I am traumatized. It all takes time to heal, or to adapt to this new information in my life, it takes more time then even I know.

Yet the hope of the future is in the fact we have no idea what to expect, 12 new months ahead for new life and new stories, I like the sense of adventure and of hope.

For my heart feels the love that the future holds in celebrating new births after all these deaths, I am in awe of that circle of life. 

I am grateful to be a small part of it, as like with today I felt so very grateful to see my friends at the hospital, to see their first born baby boy in his tiny little bed tucked up inside the safety of modern medicine. 

We've been celebrating/looking forward to his arrival for months now and yet he came early, and yet he is one of the wonders of the future! 

It's such a magical thing to see new life for a new year with new stories to be told!

I know that I can delight in this love and in this joy, I am deeply thankful and grateful each day begins again.

Into the future a new year will finds us just as we are. 

With little wee ones awakening up into their new world called the future, called to life.

Into the Past

     

It's now Christmas day I am left thinking about the last 12 months with such sadness.
It's not just for my own hurt that I see many people I love have suffered, there has been sudden deaths and tragic traumas in the news or in the lives of people I love so much......

This morning in all the freshly fallen snow I watched some kids play together, I smiled and loved seeing them having fun on the sidewalks......It took me into the past with tears in my eyes of playing like with my own siblings, I have been feeling like I am running out of time to make everything alright again but it won't and can't be like it was in the past.....

I need to surrender my internal battle of wishing to go back in time again, I feel like this Christmas is so very sad for me, so very hard to handle while I just want to lay on the floor and hide from the world, I also want to make a difference with whatever time I have left so as I worry for everyone else, trying to help them through these rough emotional days I escape into the past and my cherish memories of Christmas. I can see my Grandparents again, hear my brother and sister jumping around the Christmas tree and know all the adults are sharing trays of food.
I need to remember the story "A Christmas Carol." when the ghost of Christmas past is teaching Mr. Scrooge of how important time is, of how all those experiences make him who he currently is, then the ghost of Christmas present is full of hope, love and celebration, in teaching Scrooge again about giving in the moment of right now.....

I appreciate that movie more and more as I grow older, I hope that the ghost of Christmas future isn't so scary....that no matter the new difficult events each year will hold I can hold strong in my peace of mind that I sure love Christmas and I love the family and friends who fill it with such love and support!

My brother Derek loved Christmas so much that he always went all out and he always had such a good time! It comforted me to know that he would be staying out on the farm with our parents and little brothers for the whole Holiday weekend, celebrating with board games and goodies!

It will always be in my heart for how it once was.

There is a whole new year right around the corner, a new way to see the world and to take on all the adventures of getting better and growing wiser.

"For the spirits did it all in one night!".... and now it's Christmas day again! Celebrate the goodness and life!

Into The Holidays

In the first weekend of November my mother came to
stayed with me as we began our planning for the holidays, We had a lot of rain that weekend but she and I still rolled around the stores just fine. In fact that first Friday she was with me we went out into the dark evening to go shopping!

My husband Tony teased us for being crazy, but I knew that just around the corner from our house was a Hobby Lobby. Since my Mom loves that store we were going to cover every square inch of it before they closed for the night!

It was exciting to me, I felt so young again being in a store late at night and hearing over head that they will close in 15 minuets, I exclaimed to my mom "We are closing down the place! We are having a real ladies night out! This is AWESOME!"

Going into the Holidays is rather exciting as the weather grow bad, as it gets cold and dark early. I love the soft white glow if Christmas lights in my home to help me not go crazy in such a limiting season. My Mom and I even enjoyed an afternoon strolled through downtown Boise. Getting fresh air and being busy helped us really enjoy that whole weekend.

At night while my mom was resting on the couch she would share all of her plans and wishes for the Holidays, she would reminisce about how when she was my age this time of the year was very busy and she made everything so perfect for the Holidays.
I realized that I have this very same desire in me at this time of the year as well, perhaps I inherited from her? I have met people who are not ever excited about the Holidays....yet no matter what's going on I still am. I am still very joyful and hopeful for the Holidays, I love all the giving and donating in the community! I love being able to save my money for good foods and just relax by the tree every night before bed.

That weekend with my mother staying with me was fun as we got ready together.
Then for Thanksgiving she came to stay again, we were lucky to have clear blue skies for our big day over to see the Festival of Trees. My mother's Mom, Grandma Norma was the Queen of decorating for Christmas. My Mother was the Queen of making all the Christmas candies and goodies. I realized as I strolled along behind my mom talking about every detail I saw in those trees, telling her to let me know if I need to walk faster or slower that from her and her mother I take with me these holiday traditions with my own personal touch.....I will always greet the holiday season with such joy and such magic!

As I grow older I have even more memories of the importance of this time of the year.

Waiting for you in the sun!

I know that this month I have been posting old favorites of mine, but this song always makes me cry and smile at the same time <3

I still love Tim Minchin's honesty and his emotion in this song, I remember having this song on repeat heading to the Oregon Coast for Christmas in 2009 just singing along so easily :-D

I received startling news today that my beloved friends just became parents sooner then we had all been anticipating, with gratefulness everyone is alright, with a bit of shakiness I am aware of how important it is to cherish each other, to come together.

And I will always be waiting in the sun.........

The Truth About Stefan Molyneux

Now I may of shared this before but it's still so very good, his advice has always been encouraging to me. 

I think the truth about time is so very important to always remember and fight for the freedom we all need to find!

The Courage of Cloudburst

When I think of one of my most favorite movies, I always think of "Cloudburst."
When I need to be reminded of my life before such sadness and sudden changes then I sing "Ain't Life sweet." because it reminds me of where I come from and how I got here.

When I look back at my 38 years I smile knowing it all tells a story and gives a strength in who I am that I am left so very proud and so very grateful.

When I watch this movie over and over again I laugh and I cry, I think about how important true love is and how important it is to make the world a better place!

When I tip my hat to this life I will still be singing to myself "Ain't Life Sweet....when you know what you are doin'.....Ain't Life sweet when you're not afraid to care."

Six Feet Under - David

This is one of my most favorite scene of the whole show, and  it's one I have thought about a lot in this year actually.

If I could just stand still for a moment I can feel myself reacting to this life right now without my brother Derek here anymore in much the same way as David.

......Perhaps like I watching this show all over again because it reminds me that I am not alone in how I feel and what I am facing for the future. Derek was suppose to BE the future, he was young and he was good.

I guess we all need to scream now and then!

The Episode

It's as if I am transported back through time whenever I watch an episode of "6 feet under."

I will always remember being so young back then doing dishes and dusting my book shelf of my very first home in my very first year married living so happily ever after really.........

While I cooked up a colorful stir fry on the stove to the noise of HBO always playing on our small TV. It was free in the apartment we rented so I never turned it off as I spent whole afternoons in the kitchen trying new recipes and baking cookies.

The very sound of the theme song for "6 Feet Under." my attention would be captured and I would zoom into focus on the new story line, for the characters I knew and loved as if they were from my own family!

These were the early years of my 24th and 25th year that I thought everyone should be watching this show! I talked about it so much that most people rolled their eyes but I saw something in this idea of facing death that I felt was a MUST KNOW.

We should ALL face the fact we are ALL going to die but we don't need religion, we don't need to waste time hiding or judging each other since we are all equally going to die we should equally talk about death from this show and see the importance of actually living a brave and wise life!

"6 Feet Under." has a certain style that I loved so much when watching on how we have our mind's eye conversation going on that no one can see but this show reveals that part of us all in a real captivating and shocking way!

I was hooked on the very first episode "The Pilot." it won me over instantly. I laughed so much over how we all want to say what we are really thinking but instead stay quite or in a social norm where no one really sees how we really feel.

Over the 14 or 15 years now this drama series has played a huge part in my life as I make references and just sit thinking about it.....When my best friend died suddenly I pictured her in a sun hat sipping a Margarita whenever she came to chat with me as she said that she has all the time in the world now to relax, I got this idea from "6 Feet Under."

It helped me smile in my sadness and in my constant slamming up the brick wall. I can't call her on the phone 3 times a day like I use to.....I can't chat online or see all her facebook pictures anymore. I can't split a pitcher of beer with her like we use once a week when she was my neighbor.

None of us get out alive, none of us can hide. So after the first season of "6 Feet Under." I was profoundly changed and knew I needed to face death in the bravest way possible, which was living a great life full of love, not distracted by God or by people's ideas of God.

In death I see peace, pure and simple peace.

I also scream at the top of my lungs consumed by rage in facing death for it ends the story that I was following, the story I knew so well!

Just like in this great show I see how important it is to talk about it fully honest and fully real!

Be your best self always, 

Be your own truth and own strength,

Be your own honesty and be brave,

Be your breath and thought,

Be yourself. always and forever just be yourself when facing time as it leads right to death.

Let everyone else worry about what happens after you die, it was never in your hands to begin with.

Let the pain and loss, let the hurt and heart break just happen as you face the stone wall which claims everyone you will ever loved. 

I have seen this wall time and again, always coming back to remembering the famous episode of "6 Feet Under."

Maybe one day I will know what's on the other side of that solid wall maybe then I'll get to be the one who yells out freely; 

"There's No More BULLSHIT!" 

The New Tree

      

    Last year I went to buy a Christmas tree after I had completely forgotten about setting one up the day after Thanksgiving when I was happily setting out all my other decor.

It shocked me that a 4 foot tree was 45 dollars!?!?

So I shopped around and it was 35 to 55 dollars in buying a real tree. 

And since I only had 30 bucks in cash I put that towards Christmas goodies instead.

Then I went home thinking hard about how I could get my Christmas tree so I made a tree shape out of clothes hangers and wrapped Christmas lights around it.

I hooked it up into the window along side all of my other Christmas decor.

My husband Tony though it was pure genius! 

He was very impressed as looking on from the road it looked like a tree in our living room window.

Of course, It was NOT the same thing to me as I sat starring at the triangle lights hanging in the window and only when I put the curtain down did look like a Christmas tree to me. Yet the fact that it was a hard winter, and I didn't have much money made my creative mind spark!

Now a year later in a new home I knew that I wanted a new tree, something to really look at and enjoy.....

Over the last couple of weeks I have been on a quest to find a Christmas tree under 50 bucks ever since one guy told me there was a tree shortage I have been thinking if my tree was fake then I could set it up right after Thanksgiving and it would be easier for me to handle on my own.

So I woke up the other morning to a note from my husband Tony who said he got me a Christmas tree and I was thrilled!

Putting this great tree together was a real puzzle, but I loved getting it all setup! 

Ever since I saw the Harry Potter themed Christmas tree at the Festival of Trees last month I thought that I should do a Fantastic Beasts theme for my new tree in our new home?

I realize it'll take time of course to build up the decor if I do that....so maybe I'll just leave the tree as it is?

Yet I have learned over the years to not rush into anything, especially as I step back in admiration over the perfect looking new tree!

The Bitcoin

 Here is Max Keiser once again, I love this guy!

And I will always remember when I first heard of bitcoin back in 2009, I smiled saying "Well now, ...finally, Here it is! Our financial revolution! It's about time...."

Of course back then I knew that we weren't rich enough to invest yet I still loved the whole new concept. 

Bitcoin is full of possibilities from what I could see and I spent many hours reading all about it as well, Good luck out there even now if you do get the chance to be apart of this movement!

        Yesterday morning over coffee My husband said to me "You are a very smart person, you should give yourself more credit and more of a challenge to learn about this technology world that you always try to avoid." I choked on my coffee in my chuckling back at him shaking my head.
For we had been discussing bitcoin of course so I defended myself with a big knowingly smile I explained to him "Well, it's a peaceful life to just knit and drink coffee with no technology no noise, and actually I have Max Keiser just a click away for all of that!" 
then we laughed at my cleverness.

The Traffic

While life happens sometimes all at once, the noise of everything takes my breath away at times....
I stand still for as long as I can.
I cry for as much as I want.
I laugh loudly whenever it's possible. 
I get it. 
I know it, for Nothing not a single dollar bill can give us back our youth or our time, it's just up to us in our choices for what is important. 
I'll hope to choose for what makes me smile and tip my hat towards a good life, well lived.
I understand it in myself very clearly on what I count as success, so while not everyone will agree or feel at peace as I do for my simple life. 
I am proud of every single breath I have taken, every adventure I have enjoyed.

I now stand still to say "Slow down world. Slow down for it will always be there, something to do and something to see. Be still in the perfect second of time."


In our life stories we are learning as we live, as we are.  It's important to never forget we are all on the same road of life  together.......
which means we should drive very carefully, ALWAYS.

OneRepublic, Seeb - Rich Love

Sometimes it's all summed up in a song, oh how I remember.....
I can remember back then it was so very important to me just to be together and it still is however my social list has changed and I can't get certain people back into my life ever again..........

I arrived to pure happiness when I turned 30 that I realize now just how rich love is all I will ever want for the rest of my life, so maybe I should get back to dancing like I use to?

Maybe I shouldn't try to stay back there in time and make this day the best dance possible?

Van Morrison - Into The Mystic

When I realized that I live in the mystic my whole life changed. I was not yet 30 years old when I realized this.
So now I live in a place that is both magical and mystical at all times.
It's why I was always asked back then by even completely strangers I met walking through the mall "Where do you get your happiness? That beautiful smile of yours?" I would wonder myself as I laughed or smiled even bigger at their question. It was common back then when I met people face to face that I always greeted them first with a smile.

It's impossible to stay the same person at any year of our lives so when a trauma happens or when a sadness grabs us we should learn to never be afraid to smile as big as we can! Even in tears as seeing them often can comfort us, that first smile is very important to give forth such joy or hope in all things!
and so I know where my happiness comes from, I could answer that common question of my 20's better as I round the corner to 40.
"I live in the mystic, I am never alone in my heart as I live through all things, as I embrace the magic of knowing what is really important for my time, for my life."

I smile through tears, I smile through laughter and I respect such real fear that out there into the mystic I have no factual answers just hope and joy for the wonder of it all!

Joey+Rory - When I'm Gone

It's been a sad week after Grandma's lovely funeral, after this rain and cold coming in, I know such sadness all to well by now....I think it hurts to face real life, real death and real loss of people we once thought would always be here with us.

......this has been the year of tears.

Grandma Beth

         The night before Thanksgiving as I had the windows open and the music playing I twirled around in my kitchen with the whole day in the kitchen baking up a storm, It had been such an emotional day for me as I tied on my apron and rolled up my sleeves for all the baking I had on my list to do.
"How can I ever create a Happy Thanksgiving ever again?" I asked myself as I cried, as I took a deep strong breath of morning fresh air and began to distract my grief into cooking. The end result was I made a ton of food, I simply never wanted to slow down and never wanted to stop cooking getting ready for the next day when my family came for Thanksgiving as one year ago we had all arrived here with Derek in charge of the big family meal. my heart will always hurt and I will always miss him...especially on Thanksgiving now. "Dear Derek, I miss you so much, I wish you were here along side me again cooking together and chatting it up!" I proudly rolled out my pie dough to place his huckleberry peach filling he left in the freezer to bake up in honor of him. 

 Grief is a process and takes time to be comfortable again with the new information that someone we loved has died.
For me the day before Thanksgiving was painful and I cried so hard, so long then I put some of my favorite songs on and I sang at the top of my lungs!
Then soon I was dancing with flour and sugar flying out every where around me, I was happy again after thinking of what a good day with family I will make for tomorrow, I am very thankful for my family, my 3 young brothers are now young men so I want to know who they are now. What are their passions, their lives stories and ideas are!
Joy comes to us in pain.
For me it was 5 baked pies and 10 pounds of mashed potatoes along side cole slaw, cranberry sauce, and smoked salmon dip. I was putting my grief into baking and making foods.
When Tony got home from work the house was wide open to the world outside all the pets were worn out from chasing the ball or being outside so much in the warm weather. I had Christmas music on for the evening that he laughed when he arrived "I should of known you would sneak in the Christmas music for Thanksgiving!" 
I explained how I delighted in the hope of the holidays, I need all the help I can get to be in the present moment of joy.
It always seem like everything is perfect and peaceful just before more sad news.
I looked around joking with my husband and peeling potatoes into the nice warm fall night, he kicked back to watch our favorite Thanksgiving movie "Trains, Planes and Automobiles." with cats and dogs cuddling him and I worrying over the potatoes, I looked out my kitchen windows and froze for a moment as I had a thought "Goodbye Grandma." 
 I saw Grandma Beth outside in a faint shadow waving at me  like she was proud to see me there cooking away for my big family. She knew what a delight it was to bring all 7 of her kids together over the years tooo.
Then suddenly I jumped to the sound of Tony's cell phone ringing back in his office. He didn't move from his comfortable place watching the comedy.  
"Tony Honey, You need to go answer your phone." I waited he didn't reply so I said again "Tony please get up and go answer your phone because your Grandma Beth has died."
 He looked back at me automatically saying "Don't be crazy." then he looked at me over his shoulder suspiciously as I was already crying and saying "Dear, Dear Grandma Beth."
 My husband looked at me sideways and in alarm for my sudden burst of tears just as my own phone rang as I saw my mother-in-law Jo Ann was calling and I told him "Yup, it's your mother." He turned off the movie and sat there looking alarmed. I answered with "I'm so sorry Mom. I know it's hurts so much to loose your mother." She burst out "How did you know!?!?" I explained that I was peeeling potatoes right then and felt myself saying "Goodbye Grandma."

We ended that late late night just before hosting Thanksgiving in tears and in stories of Grandma Beth.
It was cozy in the candle light and warm blankets on the couches.
   I was already for the holiday with every dish made and my list done.
       Tony said "Well let's make my Grandma proud and have a great day full of family and friends tomorrow!" and so we did.

The ballet was so magical and so beautiful I was left in such awe and wonder of it all as Grandma Beth sat beside me, she said "This isn't easy to understand at all, do you know what it's about?" 
I chuckled and leaned into her explaining what I did know as I joked back "It is hard to follow. yet it's sure beautiful." She patted my arm saying "I am so glad you are here honey or I be completely lost." I whispered a lot of details for her as she kept asking me "Now what just happened?" 

We ended that lovely event with me dropping her off at her lovely home and I realized how she wasn't ever going to be driving herself around anymore or at least shouldn't be driving because it was easy to see how confused she was becoming. We had dressed up and we gone to this classy event, I kept my arm around hers for most of it all as she would explain how nothing looked as she remembered it. For being so beautiful Grandma was a natural, sweet thoughtful person and I was delighted to be there for her on that starry night at the ballet.

The Truth in this Society

        It's has been on my mind for weeks now, the Heroes of Hollywood fall. The News reporters on the front lines for us fail, and the next generation steps in to sweep the floor of all these old hats and old pervy ways in our society. For women have been standing up and fighting against the sexual harassment all of their lives no matter their ages they ALL have a story to share about this very topic of sexual abuse, harassment or inappropriate behaviors. It's not right, It's been apart of our society for such a long time. It makes us women strong in supporting each other and talking about how to handle the next man who invades your personal space.

These big shots in Hollywood are not getting away with it anymore and that gives me comfort among all the uncomfortable information in the News. 
It's good to have a zero tolerance for bad behavior. If men behave badly then they loose their jobs and their power, following through on not allowing these abuses to continue is very important.
As much as I am annoyed by the constant sexual abuse story one right after another these days in the news coverage, I am reminded of something I heard a few years ago "How do we live and survive in a rape culture?.....We teach our children that You DO NOT RAPE. That is where the change in our society begins." I had chuckled and nodded when I heard this thinking it makes perfect sense to me then I said "So now we have to wait for all the older perverse creepy men to died off in order for us to rebuild our society? I can't wait that long, I want to stand up and shout it out into the streets "This is Wrong! Rape is Wrong! And I am here to kick some asses right now on this issue!"

In one of my most favorite TV drama series "Jericho." the daughter of Mr. Hawkins asked him "Is he a good guy or a bad guy?" her father replied back over his shoulder at her stating "Baby. there's no such thing." I smiled in agreement, it will always be apart of us in how we behave, in what we choose right or wrong, good or bad, we can fight back at any time and always even if we are being bullied or sexually abused we have the strength within us to stop these bad things and change the world for the better!

READ THIS FROM JON KATZ

"I see that the real heroes here – the only heroes – are the women who overcome their fear and misplaced shame to speak out."

Eva Cassidy - Autumn Leaves

Yesterday morning early and cold I brewed our coffee and care over the pets then Tony came to sit a moment in his sadness.
I have seen him change so much in this year about the topic of death that he can not avoid now as his Grandma Beth Wilson was being buried at the VA cemetery.
I drank my coffee with him in our quiet dim lit living room with my fake candles flicking at us as we prepare for the long day of sadness.
I said to him "You look very good, very grown up in Cousin Henry's hat. It's so good to have him in our lives for advice and true style." I giggled and Tony replied "Wish I could have him by my side in every funeral I have to face." I smiled big knowing that my dear sweet cousin Henry has been a life saver for us in this very difficult struggling year.
We left our home in hats and gloves, in thick dress coats and that 9 am morning sun light made my eyes tear up as we parked for the surrounding ceremony of family as Grandma's casket was displayed.
It hurts like hell whenever someone dies but as Grandma's Sister hugged me while crying she said "I just can't seem to stop, I am sorry but your smile is so comforting, Thank you." I leaned to her beautiful face that looks so much like Grandma Beth and I said "She was your Sister.  Cry freely, cry forever. You will always miss her." my own pain, my own loss of how this all feels simply rolled silently down my cheeks as I supported her in another big hug.

When Tony's cousin Kasey Moulton gave her speech in the church service I was so impress that this young woman feels her Grandmother's death so purely, so wisely. It's not fair that she is so young, when I was 22 years old going this very same thing that I feel like she should have been given more years with her Grandma Beth. 
                          Then again life isn't fair or exact for any of us.
My Mother-in-law Jo Anne was saying "Poor Debby, she needs a break from all of this, She sure had quite the year of funerals." I chuckled and said "I know...right?"  Then I began wondering why it's been such a sad year, perhaps living a life with love allows for more and more people to fill my life, create my stories and be apart of me when they die?

Tomorrow will be a day of tears, a day at home to feel so sad but I will always keep my door open to someone new who needs a hug.
The future can't be feared for how many more loved ones I may have to say goodbye to in the end, every new season holds new life and new hope for honoring all of those who leave us behind on the earth awhile longer. We live with love bravely, we move forward under the falling leaves of the trees....

Coldplay - Gravity

After a busy day downtown Boise in the warm sunshine, the clear blue sky and easy walk over to the Festival of Trees, where Mom and I strolled around all the decorated and donated trees. I describe everything different and clever. We never had to stand or wait in line for anything so that was impressive to me as well since my mother doesn't like to wait for anything.....
She had her apple cider and I had my coffee for a break in the yearly holiday event surrounded by Christmas music and the Candy land gift shop.
Mom was hoping to get me to take her shopping for those Black Friday Sales. I have never done this with her before or even after her stroke so I said if we drive by a store then yes I would take her inside.
It was such a perfect good weather day that pushing her around was easy and using the bathroom is easy because I packed everything in the way we need it at her first request!
I sang a lot of Christmas music and made sure she was ready leave the Festival by her own choice. I like shopping with her now ever since my Father said if Mom wants to buy something just let her, she doesn't have a budget or a limit. I use to try and keep her from over spending or over doing her Christmas gifts with a lot of suggested debates on prices. Now I simply say "Sure! do you just want to one or 2." She loves it, she chuckles at me as I hold up whatever she requested to purchase, she says back at me "I only need one." I nod and smile thinking shopping like this is by far more relaxing then in all the last 6 years of trying to keep her in a sense able budget.
I stroll my mother around Target on our way home from the Festival of trees wondering to myself "What is money but annoyance to distract us from just enjoying being together?"
My father is right to just let my mom buy whatever she wants when she wants it because it's never more important then being with her in a light hearted way and seeing her enjoy herself so much.
It wasn't bad being in the store in the late afternoon on Black Friday, all the employees looked exhausted but the lines were low and the whole store was a huge mess.....for we had missed that early morning rush! I feel for the retail world during the holidays, it's a crazy world of shopping that a whole generation lives for.......I was just a kid when I realized it was a very bad day to ever go shopping all of these "Black Fridays."
Mom and I strolled through the store, she gave me a list of how she use to get such great deals on this day, I always smile as I listen for shopping was my mother's clever hobby back before her stroke and now it's her favorite pass time after.
We stayed up that night till midnight watching "Miss Fisher's murder Mysteries." I was rather tired suddenly so I got her to bed in my adorable cozy guestroom. She wanted to lay on her good side in bed so she went to the other side of bed away from me. She was sleeping for 20 minuets there as I locked up the home and cared over my pets. I was asleep the moment my head hit my pillow then she called out for me, I was right back up by her side as she said sleepy that she wanted to go back to the couch it was easier there to get comfortable. I helped her stand up and I moved away from her with her pillows in my arms to transport them back out to the living room when she rounded the corner of bed from me I stood waiting to walk more beside her yet she tripped or lost her balance. I was watching her fall and helplessly throw my pillows from my arms into the floor then slid to catch her. I shouted "Mom! Watch out! OH NO!" I was grateful she fell into the soft guest room chair instead of the sharp window corner. She went face first into the chair then bounced back to the floor with me under her supporting her back and shoulders "TONY!" I called out as I held her in place asking "Is your leg broken, are you bleeding? Can you breath? Can you feel your toes? Is a rib broken?" I was shaking and thinking fast as Mom said "Don't wake up Tony, let him sleep...I am fine." I said "You fell Mom, I need his help for sure." He took my place holding her up against her back as I jumped over the bed to help her from the front. We went down the check list of possible injuries and Tony explain if a rib was broken we can't do anything about that, so we'll find out as we move her back up because it will hurt like hell to breathe. I quickly put her knees together and advise everyone that on my count of 3 we were going straight up onto her feet all together. I held her feet side by side with my own feet and legs then she gave me her good strong hand to help pull her up into my arms where I held her fully. Tony pushed up from his place in the room then once she was back up we carefully made our way back to the living room couch. He was very impressed by me and how quickly I went to work getting my mother back up her feet again, she was going to sore, and bruised for sure!
It would of been impossible all by myself to get her up again, it shook me up so much that I didn't ever go back to sleep again for the rest of the night.....I felt very responsible.
I was made humble by the fact I use to think I was so strong with huge wide arms, yet when something like this happens, I see myself small and weak, I see myself letting gravity win over me!
Sadness is so very heavy, it has changed me completely.
I hurt for my mother when ever she tried to walk and moaned in her pain, if I tried to help her then touch her new big purple bruise I would feel so bad.
Tony reassured me that I had done everything right, that my mother's fall wasn't my fault, wasn't from my neglect but I still felt bad for being so sleepy headed to not think over how she could get out of bed safer.....
Tony said "You are good at letting your mom know everything you are doing and why, she doesn't like to wait for anything so even when you tell her that you will be right back to her, she doesn't like that so don't beat yourself up. I have never seen anyone stay cheerful under such a demanding mother." I cried.
He hugged me and I said "It terrified me to watch her fall! I was so helpless!" He chuckled back in his reply "No you weren't, you slid under her and throw those pillows out to help her fall safer. You knew how to lift her straight up and get her to safety again, you never lost it, you are one of the strongest people I know." I cried again.
It hurts us all to see our own parents get hurt, to see them struggle or have pain.
I was worried all morning caring for my mother who just wanted to go home since she fell at 1 am, while we wait to gather her stuff up till 10am I was by her side and watching her carefully for any signs of broken bones. "I just can't believe you fell Mom." she replied back "I don't know what I could of tripped on, but I thought I could just grab the wall to steady myself but then suddenly wall wasn't there." I  nodded trying to think back to my racing heart beat in seeing her loose her balance from holding her cane to trying to grab the wall and then my arms flying up to grab her in mid-flight.

Gravity is a real thing, it taught me just how fast it can win over the situation at any time......

Stay Forever Young

My brother Derek and I played basketball out front of our Grandparent's house in St. Maries Idaho on that Thanksgiving week long vacation there, with the house to ourselves we went on hikes into the slopping valley and trails to the Saint Joe river.

We had 2 baby brothers in our arms as we laughed so much over the familiar land of our own childhood memories, adulthood was just a year away for me with our Sister Dana working in Papa's shop on wood making projects, she would always say to me "I don't know why you are so afraid of turning 18, if it was me then I would be planning my freedom day!" Derek and I would look at each other in alarm glancing around as if our parents would burst in on us with their anger towards our very rebel sister.

We did so much together that week, Derek and I took our brothers to the swing set at Cherry Ben one afternoon I liked driving quiet open country mountain side roads. 

At bed time Derek had his usual bedding setup in the open closet of the newly designed basement of our Grandparents home. Ever since I can remember my brother always found his own private sleep space within the closets of hotel rooms or families homes. While my sister and I were always sharing everything in those days of growing up on each other's elbow.

It was those bedtime memories I still think about from 1997 to right now I remember my puppet socks for the giggles of the little boys, in the basement we were safely tucked away from our parents. 

So we were up super late without them really knowing because we went down to bed at the 9pm as we were commanded, from the closet where Derek would listen to me telling bedtime stories and breaking out into songs for I had a usual list of bed time songs for our baby brothers every night that I could help them settle down to sing with me, sometimes Derek would sing along.

It was my idea to pile up all our pillows and bedding in the hide a bed then get way back to run fully head on from the other room by the door to wide open messy bed. It would always bring out our laughter, as we flew! And it would always wear out the little ones for bed too!

Dana stated from her own corner of the basement "If you guys get to noisy Dad will be down to tell ya to be quiet....and someone could get hurt." I chuckled back at her suggesting "you should try it! there's no way you can get hurt it's all pillows!" I ran and slid into the mountain of bedding with my feet flying!

While my 3 brothers waited in line, I came back to them laughing so much that eventually Dana joined us for we were always coming up with fun games like that in everything we did together!

Then we usually would wind down to my singing and swaying with Daren and Dougie in my arms as the night grew late I truly loved the times we were there up northern Idaho and tucked away into the lovely cozy basement full of sleeping bags and pillows, snacks and sodas we all camped out down there just fine.

When I look back in time I smile, when I live on into the future I cry.

When I think about how we struggled while growing up I think that we were given a true friendship in each other whether we realized it at the time.....

When I think about 20 years ago on this week I can still hear us laughing! Derek requested the song "One Tin Soldier." as I closed my eyes to sing all I could remember as the sleepiness of the late night calmed us all down.

I knew in the soft glow of the lamp light that I was right where I was meant to be.....
For nothing stays the same very long and I already knew that all to well back then in my heart and mind, it's why I knew how important it was to remember it all, the joy and all the adventures we had together!