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Saturday, March 22, 2014

I hate Snooping

As a teenager I grew up with no privacy, I hate snooping because that is how my mother behaved all the time during those struggling growing years of my trapped life. I didn't know very much in what was wrong or "sinful" in the real world I just knew that drama unfolded if I wrote something mean about my mother in my journal or in my letters. In fact I grew sharp in this time of my life over ho to word the events unfolding around me without incriminating myself to my personal opinion.
Life back then was the hardest I have ever been through, this is why now as an adult I have NO desire to snoop on other people around me. I will take them at their word and trust them completely because if they lie to me then that is on them and NOT me. I don't need to know what people actually really think as well especially about me, because sometimes snooping out this information can be hurtful. It really depends on the whole of the issue or topic, if I need to change or be made aware of my behavior then I am grateful to those willing to be honest....but if I have to dig at them to respond then maybe I shouldn't snoop around any further to discover what is really going on......
Privacy is very important to me as an adult now, I can house sit for weeks never entering a door already closed, my husband will ask in bewilderment  "What is in there?!" while I shrug not even questioning, "If they wanted me to know the door would be already open. So don't touch it." My husband falls back in asking me how could I live this way not asking why people they do what they do.....but I will always hate snooping on such a personal level from my memories and life lessons. I feel so oddly out of place if accidentally on my husband's laptop or logged in as him on anything! I do not want to know everything about his life unless he happily shares it with me, forcing someone to "Come clean" on their own interests or hobbies makes me feel exactly like my mother I don't like that kind of stress in needing to control others around me. When deep down these issues of privacy or when people chat about me is not important to me in discovering what they say. I am as I am in this beautiful good life far away from the pains in being a teenager, my mother opened and read my letters whenever the mail delivered them saying she has the right as the mother to do so. She entered my bedroom all the time without knocking freaking out over how I had dare to close the door to begin with, even getting on the phone to listen to whatever I saying.....all these things were daily and normal. I was often embarrassed by soaking in the tub with heavy cramps only to have my mother walk right in leaving the doors wide open to the bathroom talking to me as if this moment of my pure nakedness becoming a young woman was no big deal. My sister always came to my rescue after our snooping mother left while I sunk deep down into the bath tub she closed the doors while rolling her eyes at me knowing how uncomfortable these many moments were! I would stay in my tub a bit longer thinking about how important my privacy was to me. It grew in me to be this over all peace with anyone's request for privacy too.
I faced the lack of respect and privacy of my parents head on in being real, in being proud that I had nothing to hide. I STILL carry this bravery take deep inside of me, I want to ownership of all my own actions and thoughts, I want to able to prove that I am not ashamed or embarrassed anymore if ever someone snooped around on me. My sister took the defense against our mother's snooping with never cleaning her bedroom in order to hide her privacy better. As I took the view if my bedroom was "staged" then I WILL know when I was gone someone came into my bedroom and went through all my things.
My husband exclaimed "What are you a detective? How the hell did you know I touched your butterfly decor?!?!" I smirked "I staged it in a certain way and now it's all shifted so you had to touch it...I was wondering why is all." He rubbed his forehead explaining "Okay okay I broke the one piece moving my chair but I didn't think you would ever notice.....shit! I live with Sherlock over here!" I giggled back explaining "I keep a squeaky clean home so I can watch over everything and know the very second someone came into my personal space. It's in my blood to protect myself and not be caught off guard." He sighed "Your mother sure did a number on you!" We both laughed as I walked away having a flashback to my crazy snooping mother....
"Mom?" I asked her as she was on her knees raking out all this stuff from under my sister's bed. "Mom, what are you doing?!?" I asked cautiously as she didn't stop shuffling through piles and piles of papers on the floor. She glanced over her shoulder at me like she wasn't going to explain herself  to me but I kept standing there watching her in wonder of how often she did this? My sister was at work so Mom was really snooping now....."Mom?" I asked leaning against the doorway now trying to not get angry over her ignoring me as she was looking for something. Mom finally explained "I think your sister has a boyfriend she isn't tell us about." I chuckled at the sad fact the idea of a boyfriend was like taking actual drugs to my mother's morality scale. I quickly asked "How will you put all this stuff back exactly the way she had it?" Mom snorted "It's all a mess she'll never know I was here." Glaring at me as she stated this with wrinkled papers in her hands I exclaimed "WHAT!?! YES she will! she will know then she will come into my bedroom screaming at me for snooping in her things, which I would NEVER!" Mom stood up face to face with me as I finally felt brave enough to tell her my judgement of her. Mom lifted her chin in protest "I AM the MOTHER so I have to be accountable to God on the behavior of my children, if I don't know then I can not fix the problems that are displeasing God." I fell silent knowing this speech of hers was on repeat to justify catching her in action. I step back into my bedroom hoping to straighten up my book shelf so that it reflective a classy display of nothing to hide here! While hiding how deep down I was struggling over the right and wrong of ALL things!

I hate snooping because it shows the lack of trust, the lack of security in our own selves.

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