MERRY CHRISTMAS a day late....I slept most of my life away yesterday, caught somewhere between holiday happiness and a growing sense of this year's huge lost. The 26th of each month will sometimes go right on by without me being the wiser! Yet today 6 months ago, I went through a dark tunnel of death and separation that would never again allow me to see my best friend, I can still feel that high pitch scream from my throat and never forget the sudden pain in my chest. Those hot heavy tears and my hitting the steering wheel with both hands then gripping on until they turned white...I surrendered to crying and that sorrow of which I had never ever known before!
6 months ago today..........and I will simply hate this year because of it as well.
I have always been a firm believer in feeling all things as they befall me, no denying or hiding the facts of what these very important and very real human emotions are suppose to teach me or help me....that being said I also know I can't live forever in grief as well, I have to take these events in my "suitcase" called LIFE and live along side all that has hurt me, all that has comforted me and all that has YET to be packed up with the rest of me.
This is the year of rest for my own soul, of not chasing every holiday tradition and not wrapping every gift. No real cards or letters sent, no real goodies baked and slowly I move about my time wondering if in these next 6 months I will be even more wiser?.....Hopefully less sad but again that's not in my control like with so many other things I have learned since June 26th, I am NOT the story teller or writer of my own life, because if I was then I would still be sitting at the top of Camel's back park over looking the valley below as spring began to set things into green again I would still be there with my arms wide open saying
"I love you beautiful world!"
So I know I can't make time stand still for that moment earlier this year, I can't write happy endings for everyone I love and maybe even most humbling of all is now I know what season's grieving is instead.....
When we speak we have the power to change any story,
When my husband says "Speak!" My dog Oscar barks instantly and my husband just laughs like he never heard the dog bark before!
When I think about it communication is key to understanding those around us, and sometimes I want to command "Speak!" to actual people too!
Why be so afraid of speaking? Even one word answers can be helpful for me in listening and trying to figure out what the other person is thinking. I have a very very quiet cousin who hardly speaks unless in that good carefree mood. I let him just be, I don't feel like chatter has to always be happening but when asked what his thoughts are on something the quietness or unsure responses makes me a bit bewildered as I realize if he was from the other side of my family where we all shout out to be heard then he would never of survived!
To speak is to take ownership for your own thoughts and emotions without fear!
We are all thinking even when we are not speaking, comfortable peaceful silence or self reflecting moments go hand in hand with speaking wisely, sharing willingly about who you are.
I have learned so much in my life from speaking up, and I get so delighted when others speak up too! In fact I have noticed that I'm drawn to the same kind of people who like to share and are not afraid to speak their mind!
My life is always full of such interesting topics, clever people and endless stories to share that it simply is impossible for me to not find other like minded people!
Words either written down or pronounced have such a poetic feel, like they came straight out of our hearts for the rest of the world to understand better.....without speaking how would we ever know what the other person was thinking or feeling? Communication with all it's many levels helps bring us out of our own selfish world and we could NOT connect to another being without it!
So be smart, sweet, soulful, sharing and most important be brave in speaking up!
The ladies sat at the table in the restraunt when I arrived for lunch sliding in next to them after a heavy day's work lifting and dusting off displays I dung into the chips in front of me as I heard them say "Ask Debby, she pays attention to that kind of stuff." I looked up from munching in surprise "What?" I waited as one of them snorted out "Why do we work with weirdos and idiots? Where do they come from?" I choke back laughter knowing exactly who they were annoyed about in our work group. Before I could cleverly reply about what I knew of this year's summer crew, another lady cut me off stating very loudly "You should know better then to ask her! Debby never says a mean thing about anyone! You saw her earlier when she had to repeat the instructions 6 times to the idiot, she never once dropped her smile or rolled her eyes, I would have said "Go figure it out on your own!" if it was ME!" the ladies all laughed together and I simply nodded in understanding of our stressful day as I shared "Good communication goes a long ways in teaching and helping others I guess I'm thinking there is no one I can't talk to is all."
This was my first Sunday to work in...well....hmmm in actually 4 years!
Yes 4 years ago I left my job at the coffee shop, which had me opening on Sunday mornings at 6am.
Since then I have done many other part time, temporary jobs yet never on a Sunday........Sooooooo today was an odd morning for me to hurry out the door with my new shop keys in hand. (Usually I just stay in my Pj's and write away the afternoon;-D)
I got to the pet food shop and followed all my training step by step in opening the store, I had my coffee and a hearty breakfast so I felt ready to work the shop all on my own, all day long. This was a very different Sunday then from what I am use to having, so I kept saying to myself over and over again "This is your very first day all alone, remember and don't panic, don't worry you'll learn all of this quite quickly." Then suddenly my log in didn't work for the computer and trouble shooting over the phone wasn't fixing it before I had to open the doors....leaving me to scramble around at discovering prices usually found in the system online, yet that was locked up! Panic was how I felt inside but I shared with customers how I could ring them up by hand with a calm confident smile. It was so good to see such friendly understanding customers through out the rest of the day, even my boss was impressed at how well I held my own under such pressure in that stressful situation, YET by the time I could go home I felt so weak with all my organizing numbers by hand and getting it all entered when the system came back online later on.
How amazing to me that we rely on these networks for prices and inventory, for fast pace shopping and accurate accounts!
When I read the error message to my boss first thing this morning she said "I've only seen that problem once since we opened and I can't remember how we fixed it back then...."
while I felt myself nervously laugh at how ironically it would be ME, here on my first day to run the shop to hit this wall, this rare problem!
Now the one thing with feeling rattled up inside when things aren't going along smoothly is that time flies by! I looked at the clock today at 9:45am right when the computer flashed a warning error blocking me from doing anything then my heart hit my throat I was bewildered and worried over everything I sold. When I looked at the time again it was 2:45pm!?!? THAT is how fast all that stress took me into the day, I was rescued and everything was fixed again later on.
It wasn't quite the best first day memory I was wanting then again first days of anything are often challenging and unknown.....
THIS is my first Sunday back into the retail world and I'm ready!.............I think.
It happened rather naturally and fast in my conversation at my favorite pet shop, the place is only a few minuets from home and I've gotten all my pet food and items from this cute personal place over this last year. The owner was sharing how hard it was to find good workers, she was trying to do so many things at once so I waited patiently telling her I've been looking for work if that could help her situation of needing some time off to rest. By the next couple of days I was unloading the pallet of freight in the cold snowy weather outside the back door. Lifting over my head or stacking 50 pounds of dog food I had a new job, I am now scheduled out with a place to work. It was a crazy busy first day training that left me rather excited to have a new job but rather worried there was so much to know instantly. When I am there it's for the whole day of open to close, there is so much to do that I will never be bored from what I can see so far.
The second day was calmer, I felt like I could remember better all the steps I am responsible for , I liked fronting displays and pricing everything off the floor. Running the register or chatting with customers are the easier parts of the job for me. The ordering of special things for customer request may take a bit more focus, The shop is easy enough to learn with cat food and things on one wall and the dog stuff on the other.
The store cat Abby gets lots of attention and treats, I like how she lets me carry her around while I clean and re-stock shelves. It's only been a few days working there but I think it will work out for what I have been trying to find in the animal care field.
The part time schedule is flexible to my worries over not being home for my dogs, life changes so quickly that sometimes I have to stay focus on what is most important to me and knowing my dogs are older, well cared over and while I am at work my husband can work from home to be with them which helps me relax in all my new adventures.
It happened so quickly in starting a new job, to be scheduled out for the rest of the month.......I think it is fun to look out the shop window into the dark evening seeing all the Christmas lights sparkling out there. Knowing that when I get home all my pets will be happy to see me again and cuddle up for bed. I think it's even more interesting to watch how life unfolds and changes so quickly, I feel older and wiser for my time as a homemaker, now it's time to set my alarm again and get back to work!
Oscar, Minnie and Sidda have become like one dog right now. They pee
fast and hurry back inside quickly, they nap on the couch in one jump
up! They eat a bit more and sleep in MUCH later in these cold dark
mornings.
I love it! Love them of course!
Oh, how lazy all my pets are! but it is this snow that sends them into a whole new level of sleepiness or cuddling lazy ways!
They are all a year older, I am a bit wiser and every second I can be with them, napping brushing or talking with each one I am grateful and happy! Even in this cold cold snow and bitter winds....I think while falling asleep with Sidda in my neck and shoulder, with Oscar in my stomach or
back and Minnie on my feet and legs I think while this moment is
unfolding so perfectly that I am so happy to have them in my life! While
my husband moves around in bed I never feel a cold draft so this is also a fun thing to notice my dogs stay very close and connected to me.
Once it warms back up out there from 10 to 30 then I will play in the snow with them again....but really they are less interested in that then who gets the warmest spot on the couch after breakfast!
LOVE LOVE My family!
"The Toltec tradition is not a religion, but rather a way of life in
which our great masterpiece is living in happiness and love. It embraces
spirit while honoring the great many masters of all of the world’s
traditions. The whole point of all this work is to be happy, to enjoy
life, and to enjoy the relationships with the people we love the most,
starting with oneself."
-don Miguel Ruiz Jr.
The Five Levels of Attachment
Back In
the last week of June 2011 I got to hike the Sawtooths mountains, (I am sure I've mentioned it on here before) and I
was blown away by such the beauty out there it was a magical moment, my life had been all about
packing boxes and chatting with the cops over our neighbors domestic
disturbances in our tiny condo, in my overwhelming frustration to move. So I was ready to be out into the great wide open, this why such a memory of that hike stays with me so easily, while soaking up
the early summer sun light and watching hundred of butterflies over head in my honest bewilderment! Such natural life makes me so happy inside!
It was a wonderful stay in Stanley Idaho with my
step-mother-in-law Teresa Shively, who has always been such a good friend to me. We chatted about my getting ready back home to move into a new place and embrace all life new stories and new energies, she was such a great source of encouragement and strength. Of course I had no idea the depth of change that I would actually be going through or how upside down the world would get I walked down those dark hospital hallways that unfolded less then 3 weeks later from my climbing up our muddy fun trail together being beautiful women, I was glad for that time being in those magical Sawtooths as the rest of the summer disappeared into such tears later on......
It all seems like so long ago now when I reflect back to that
mountain side as if in a fairy tale, even remembering that surprise moment of passing a couple of mountain bikers on the narrow tail, thinking to myself "how dangerous is that?!?" as they rolled around us facing the drop off cliff side. It was like a real life episode of "Outdoor Idaho"!
Priceless of course!
We were out in the middle of no where even seeing some beautiful elk off into the distance that over
looked the lake. Ending the evening drinking wine at the spa hotel looking out onto the
whole panoramic view of those magnificent mountains!
I am glad for those memories and the connection to such spectacular mountains!
This world gets me so frustrated and annoyed at times, I don't like all the games people play or this constant struggle to make it rich or having to do what everyone else tells me to......I just like to live, to watch and see what will happen next and maybe I can face it all with a steady calm peace if I keep what is important to me centered? For I want to be like the elk grazing and simply being in all of nature. (maybe I was one in my past lives that is why I feel so at home in this space on earth?)
The Sawtooths are breathless and beautiful yet very real and regal!
They hold stories of shared souls hundreds and hundreds of years with our life times unfolding below them. Love never dies just like these mountains in which stand tall and strong pointing up to the sky!
We are all made to live with love if we seek it out, we are made to appreciate and be grateful for the nature of this earth, for the peace we carry in ourselves to better all the situations around us and let all of nature hold us.
Give me the blue sky and warmth sun light any day and let me stare out into such awe of these amazing mountains sides!
Love never dies, that is my promise to my soul and the message I get from this earth!
I
sighed deeply as we hit the swamp like trail Teresa said "Looks like
this is the end of the trail for us. I can't see a way around it, best
we turn back, try to avoid that thunder storm coming maybe."
We
had walked in pure
comfortable simple sweet silence, lost in our own
thoughts every so often pointing out a plant or such signs of tree
borers as such "Master gardeners" like us would naturally do.....I slid
around in the muddy pit blocking us from trail upwards more. I was giggling as I tried
to get my camera out to snap a few more pictures I replied back over my
shoulder at her "Well, I guess we should....it's just so nice to be
away from all of civilization right now though. I mean really how noisy is our lives when you discover THIS place!?!" Our girls time was priceless and refreshing, I felt like time needed to be frozen so we could just be this peacefully joyful forever!
While walking back down our mountain side trail I heard it over head as the rain sprinkled on us that life like this was never going to be the same and I felt a bit worried inside my soul that I better reach out to touch the bark of this tree in front of me like a last grasp to always remember this moment of my deep strength being made whole for the next journey ahead was going to be very dark, like that thunder storm we were trying to avoid......
There
are a few untouched places in Boise, Idaho but that's why I noticed or
hang on to such details as that from the past. I am not a big fan of modernizing everything or
see old places do all this remodel, even simply disappear.....Boise is really changing here in the next couple of year so much is being built or torn down. Even the directions of the roads are being changed. I get a bit overwhelmed how odd I feel watching this all happen so fast. This has been a "small town" big city place all of my life and I liked it for that peaceful friendly sense in our community. It's in a transition and I'm seeking out those ghost towns instead!
My husband calls me an old lady when I voice all my dislikes, like how there TV's EVERYWHERE nowadays.....in every coffee shop, pub or now even gas stations, I'm going to be forced to change too in accepting this is just how it is...BUT Give me a quiet peaceful corner to drink and visit. I want to hear the voice of the person I am with, I want to be connected and find meaning in everything. Even just taking a deep breath sitting back watching people like in an episode of that famous sitcom "Cheers" I think to myself NOTHING can substitute real life peoples! Which is why that show has such wide appeal we all want to go where everyone know our names, My favorite bar lately has been the Symposion because it is like stepping back in time, to my own personal "Cheers" place! I really really like it there so untouched from the outside world with the juke box playing and those pool tables full of laughter in groups giving high fives. THIS is where I want to live my life when happy hour comes around! The fact this bar allows dogs in makes it my most favorite place to go and chill out quite naturally!
I think this way of life in a friendly, safe, good bar like the Symposion comes from a personal choice, commonly going against the rest of society of flashy new things. Give me a cocktail and a fluffy huge dog to chat with and pet while Tom Petty plays over head for this a perfect moment in time to me!
I'm left to think about the great wide open and all that will continue to change all around me......while my gin&tonic stays familiar!
My whole life has always had music, in the back ground of any place I will hear it , I crave it and I need it! I like knowing it even if it's not my usual U2 or Coldplay tunes. I mean I am willing to listen openly to new things not anything hateful or gross mind you but music is for me every single word that I am feeling or that I want to understand!
Sound is distracting but also refreshing for the soul and mind to be united. Music is so amazingly powerful unfolding in a scene of a movie then years later you will hear that song again and start to cry.....or simply remember what you had completely forgotten....
My husband tried to get me into Hip hop awhile back and as much as I like to have fun or joke around it was not my kind of depth or spiritual craving. About 5 or 6 years ago when I was burning music CD's my husband Tony pointed it out that I had the same 4 or 5 songs in all of my mixes. This got me thinking about music why am I drawn to the same kind of songs or tunes no matter the artist. Music has to feed me, I need to be lifted up out of my own skin from it's sound........Tony said something to me once that never left me because I realize it is who I am now but at the time I was unaware he said "You don't always have to listen to profound things, you can just dance and enjoy mindless happy songs about shaking your ass or getting laid, ya know FUN things like that!" It is true I laughed at his observation I wasn't just getting down and jiggy with my choices for songs I was seeking to be lifted up into the clouds and resting on top of the tree instead!
Life is funny as we grow up our music changes and follows us around, I never ever turned off my radio as a teenager in my own bedroom in those early 90's.......everything was country music with Garth Brooks and Reba. Then as I grew older everything was "the oldies", I guess I even wanted to dress like they did the 50's, so music keep growing for me, I kept seeking to reach out for new words and new sounds.......That is what is magical about music it transport you out from this very moment into old memories or into the future, it describes emotions you have been avoiding or simply forgetting, stories you have lived through and comfort you needed to just stop and listen!
I need an energy release when I am happy as equal to when I am sad and this is were the speed of sound gets my soul there for me! This is where I love living in such places as great music!
My whole life will always be connected to such profound depth of music in the background as I live on......I seek out such sound for my soul and for my own self.
My husband Tony got into the car as I had been waiting to pick him up, instantly he turned off the radio "Oh God! You and this radio are always going! I am in need of silence there is so much noise in this world!" I chuckled asking "You don't like music much do you?" Tony rolls his eyes at me "Not to the clearly obsessive nature that YOU do." I laughed out loud knowing my music time is endless for me as life stressful moments are worth it by the delightful sounds I can hear!
The gray cool air covers the world like a dome, like we are in a snow globe! Any minuet someone out there will shake us up and the white stuff will start falling
Stillness is where I am right now, quiet and calm something big is coming ahead in the new year but for now as I am not sure what that is....I enjoy this stillness and the moment I lean over the bridge to watch the ducks in the pond at the park. Winter is my least favorite season because I hate to be cold so much, yet I love the clear air and the cozy smell of burning wood fires out there.
(The holidays help to distract me from the cold, so even though I like to live outside I just bundle up more to seek my fresh air)
A storm is coming, this stillness is warm and the park is peaceful, so I will remain steady in my own idea of a snow globe, my own bubble I create for my life.
Bernice poured me a hot tea as the cold afternoon found us sitting and chatting around her kitchen table once again we spent the time catching up and I told her how my trip was, and how Airports sure have changed since I was kid, this made her laugh for a moment adding "Well, they certainly have changed since I worked in them too!" Bernice was a young woman working the airport cafe here in Boise Idaho in the early 1960's. I explained to her how people travel nowadays with iphones, ipads, always looking down into these devices instead of making new friends and engaging socially. I like to sit and read also but I have to stay aware of my surroundings at the same time. Bernice asked with a smirk "You mean you can travel and not need a computer with you?" We both laughed together as I explained "I feel like I live in my own snow globe, like everyone else is out of my reach with these gadgets." Bernice shakes her head in reply "I'm glad I don't travel anymore, things are changing and not always for the better....so what do you do when traveling if you don't have a fancy phone?" I smiled thoughtfully holding my tea cup stating back quickly "I sit still, I actually really enjoy stillness and calmness, in fact this trip allowed me to realize that I loved being inside my own head, in my own ideas and my own stories." Bernice laughed again and I relaxed into our time together!
Everything is symbolic to me, connected and full of such depth. It's how I have always been but as I grow older it becomes even more important for me to listen to that voice in my head on every little emotion, on every little detail I can relate too. This brings out each and every color surrounding my life.
I'm not out looking to be gifted, to have some kind of "calling" I just feel it this circling energies all around me, I do so love to share stories and memories while also planning ahead in creating a beautiful spot on this earth where I can just sit and watch all things come together.
Every morning I wake up with the faces of my dogs and cats on my pillow as no one really wants to get up at first, so cuddling with each one is so priceless for me as we move slowly into a new day!
As each new Christmas time comes around brings out all my old memories, I can't wait to see how time keeps getting better, new memories are just as important and the energy to live forward in bettering the world is also wonderful for this time of the year!
I see symbolic stories, I see how sharing just one smile can change the weather on a cold day, How being grateful or giving is so comforting and joyful to the soul! I'm often left in awe over all the connections, all the kindness out in the world when so often these stressful time distracts us from being centered. As much as I enjoy being around family and friends it is also very nice to take time out to be alone, some of my best thoughts or inspiration in seeing all the symbolic meaning for my life comes when I am alone! How graceful and cozy it is to have a home full of colors, of blankets and pets but how refreshing it is to also step outside and see the whole world holding us all together!
I've been browsing through all these new displays for Christmas decor in the stores, I love just looking over everything while singing along to the over head holiday music. (I can also get such new ideas on how to make my own matching decor for sometimes the prices are marked much higher then I would ever dream to purchase!)
It is the magic of this time every year that has my mind's eye wide open and my deep joy overflowing! It's even more fascinating to wonder over all the connections we share simply having a wonderful Christmas time!
6 months ago today..........and I will simply hate this year because of it as well.
