Auld Lang Syne

May this New Year's eve be a peaceful good night as the midnight hour brings into time a whole new year, May it be full of wonder and of love!      Tonight finds me sitting quietly next to my Christmas tree with such hope for the future in making it a wonderful year, Best wishes to you for 2019!

A Sisterhood movie

   

My husband asked "What are you watching?" as I was in the kitchen rotating cookie sheets, the mess of flour and sugar was all over the kitchen facing the screen as such wonderful music played on. He sat down in annoyance saying "What is this film? where do you find these shows?" I laugh and took him freshly baked warm cookies with his new coffee cup. He was soon engulfed into the movie of my most favorite film all through out my high school years. "Little Women." of 1994.

He enjoyed watching with me because I quote ahead a line or 2, he said "I bet you were wishing to have sisters like this once you saw the film, in fact you probably tried to re-create every scene." I chuckled at him as the movie unfolded so many good memories of my life. I saw this movie in the theater then saved my money up in order to buy it and buy the sound track. I truly loved every scene and every sister. In my life at 15 years old I had 3 friends which made the 4 of us similar to the 4 sisters of this "Little Women." classic, I had read the book back when I was 13 years old so seeing the movie was very important to me. The 4 of us girls were truly full of imagination, emotions and creativity with individual talents we brought to our group a sisterhood so very much like this story.

As we watched this the day before Christmas my husband was soon lost in the delights and the story of family, when it ended he clapped and laughed at me as I bowed to him in my kitchen apron. A morning of baking to this beautiful movie made us both truly happy for the holidays together!

It came back to me how Tiffany was Jo, in her writing and in her acting she always wanted to play the boy, the man and the leader of our group. While Rebekah supported her completely in the same way Beth does, they were inseparable so different and so supportive of each other. While Jennifer was guarded and shy if not not simply private and holding to the rules of society, her sweetness and her wisdom was truly like Meg, I adored her high standards and her clever wit. While it's no argument to anyone who knows me that Amy who was so vibrant and honest was me, I saw myself in her through out this movie. 
My husband laughed nodding his head "She even talks like you! She's a spit fire!" I stopped working in the kitchen to explain more "Amy and Jo often fight, they clash and they battle on in very much the same way Tiffany and I did so often while growing up. In all 4 sisters they admired and loved each other with endless devotion. These 4 women grow up to be very strong, in knowing no matter what that they are there for each other. When Bekah came to visit this fall she said the very same thing as Tiffany and I with her over pie and coffee. Our Jen was heading out of town that day and couldn't meet with us yet we were there reminiscing, realizing we are still those 4 little women no matter how old we get. In fact we are made better in today's world having started out in such a truly good sisterhood like that. I watched this movie enjoying every detail that's so familiar and so important.
 I also loved how my husband enjoyed the film too, how he could see which character I would of been and how funny it was that I knew every line by heart!

He smiled as the movie ended saying "That was so delightful! No wonder you believe in the power of sisterhood so much, it's such a happy place to live!"

The Past, The Present, and The Future

Every Christmas we watched the movie "A Christmas Carol." and I often watch all through the month of December The Muppets "A Christmas Carol." as well.

The classic movie "A Christmas Carol with George c. Scott." was released in 1984. It's a familiar film of when my husband and I were kids so we still carry on the tradition in watching it every single year.

It's from Charles Dickens, originally published in 1905, this story has been told a million times over in books, in plays and in movies. (Even Mickey Mouse stars in a cartoon of this famous Christmas classic)

I believe it's value, the life lessons in the story and the hope for redemption is why we love it so much.

This life lesson comes to us all at different times, in different ways and sometimes it gets lost to us all together....

So no matter what your faith is, no matter what nation you identify with, no matter your age, no matter your career or your politics,The true Christmas spirit is that you make it last all year!

The joy in sharing and the love in giving is pure happiness.

Every day is a gift, everything we have is perfect when we come together.

From "A Christmas Carol." a lonely miserable man is visited by 3 spirits.

............And I know these spirits very well myself.

The ghost of Christmas past haunted me last year, I was found by her in my helpless defeated grief sobbing so much in my longing to have my brother back alive.

For I had felt such a panic in me to gather as much as I could in honor of him. For I had thought to myself that this is very important so I made many lists of all the items he would of gotten if he could. Oh how he would given out spectacular gifts, he would of played board games, cook up dishes and he would joke around and on Christmas eve I was happy to see him!

The past is easy to see, easy to know and very easy to understand when looking back.

And so last year I was haunted or as I should say I was transported through time by this beautiful glowing spirit, she was very sweet to me as I sobbed out my longing to her in needing to see my brother so deeply. I asked her "What if I grow to forget? What if I can't recall his smiling face when he would hand out his gifts to us? What if one day his life stories are forgotten? Then she would tap me on my shoulder so I would look up from my panicking, from my crying to see a warm and familiar light of such a good time,

"Merry Christmas Derek!" I greeted him at the door of the cottage as I had been setting out Chinese foods from the take orders my husband and I had picked up on the way out there. Our father was helping our mother in the moment get settled nicely in their new living room. While her focus was on trying to make Christmas as perfect as it always was, therefore we all scrambled about in fulfilling her wishes.

Derek greeted me back "Merry Christmas Deb! Merry Christmas Mom!" his arms were full of big boxes wrapped in colorful patterns as he set them down with the help our young brothers. I hugged him as he came to help me dish out the food against the cold winter's evening outside, the tree was up and the gifts were stacked as we all took in that first Christmas after our mother's massive stroke. Our father mentioned not being sure if we had everything for Christmas as Derek reassured him saying "Don't worry, I got everything Mom told me to get." I chuckled at them talking, as I went to help eat with my Mom. I had learned to just share our food together from the same plate so that I could chat beside her as if she had 2 hands of her own. I ate right along with her as we visited, as I rotated the plate for her to see the remaining goodies. We were making new traditions I told her as she would begin to worry, as she went down the list of everything to still get done. I enjoyed just being with her on that first Christmas eve after our whole world turned upside down.

When my sister arrived along with the happy noise of children, the loud funny crazy stories she always had to tell Mom and then the excitement of unwrapping of the gifts begun, the whole cottage came alive!

How cozy the cottage was as My brothers Doug and Davey set up the board game for later, my husband talked politics or world events with the rest of the guys in the kitchen, my mom asked me to help her with something in her bedroom and the kids ran circles in the living room, for those kids were aware instantly that their Grandma is now a very different person having survived death. So they were sweet, they were gentle when they leaned on her to say something, as that Christmas eve slipped away into many more years much like that.

It was that Christmas of 2011 as "A Christmas Carol." with George C. Scott played out from the living room where my parents sat together side by side watching it, while my sister had headed home with new gifts and sleepy little ones, my husband quoted the lines from heart from the movie as it played on among my 4 brothers who burst out with game rules. I would throw my hands up saying "I am just playing for fun not really to win." then they all fell over the board in annoyance of me while I laughed.

When our father helped our mother up on her feet to get ready for bed Derek who was sitting by me looked on for a long moment to make sure they were steady enough and able to walk together, as I caught his eyes of sadness in that very same moment I shared his same look and he patted my arm in assuring me not to cry, even though no one prepares you for how fast time can skip forward in 6 months with sudden aging after my mother's stroke. I leaned into my brother in hopes to not cry while we were all together like that.

In that warm glow of the light over the kitchen table with our board game out full of pieces, the protests of my 3 brothers, Daren, Doug and Davey were often directed at my husband Tony who tried to do something he can't, this left such noisy conversations right beside us as just Derek and I watch our parents walk slowly to the bedroom. He leans into me with a understanding nod of how it's all so different now. He pats my arm in knowing that we both feel the very same way right then....That kitchen light fades out to the sounds of all those boys moving pieces of the game, as I cry out "Stop! Come back! Spirit, please take me back to that moment again! I beg you, speak comfort to me!" The winds blow on with snow falling all over the country side, the starry night still twinkles brightly above my head as I take time to always look up!

I can not ever go back.

How does one bare it? How does one learn to live again? How does one hurt so deeply forever? How can I stay in the past? Oh how I like it there!? Take me back Dear Spirit, take me back again!

I can only cherish my memories....

The ghost of Christmas past is now my old friend, my old beloved,very important friend.

She holds me when I ask all these things, she cries with me when I beg her to help me never forget. She is my oldest friend! And I shall always look for her on every Christmas eve! Every year for the rest of my life, she will greet me with a hug.

I cry on as I set up the gifts, the treats and the things my brother Derek would of liked to of done himself. I cry on, I hurt in my chest for that pain hasn't gone away yet....maybe I don't ever want it to?

There is no place like home for the holidays.

If the fates allow.......

During those years in finding our new normal after mom's life changing stroke, Derek was always there with his humor and with his generosity.

I cry on.

Last Christmas was 2 days away as I move around my parents cottage, my mother shared "This Christmas will be the first one without Derek, it will be strange to not have him all to myself for the whole weekend, Ya know he always bought me whatever I asked for." I chuckled nodding back at her with a tearful smile while moving around the very same kitchen we first gathered in 2011, now it's 2017....all these years later in helping my mom with the display of Christmas candies for she knows how it should look. All these years later of going Christmas shopping with her wheel chair and shopping cart tucked away so we could bring gifts to it as it piled up.

All those years later feels like just a week, a day.

On this day however I helped wrapped gifts for her, then I got her all ready for a late lunch. We had been doing many projects at her home so now we simply drove to the famous Orchard House where the food is very good and restaurant is cozy. It's just a few minuets from my parent's home. Since there was a big snow storm was coming in for Christmas weekend I was glad to assist her a couple of days before, keeping her steady on her feet worries me in the snow.

While the place was quiet, we sat across from each other eating then she said to me very sweetly "You don't have to worry about us, I know you are trying to care over us as Derek did but we will be alright as it is. We will be very sad of course but we will be alright too." I burst into tears so caught off guard by her saying this to me as I explained "I just want to bring him back to life in every way I can! I want to honor his Christmas spirit!"

Mom smiled saying "You have given us such good things this Christmas, and I know he would be proud of you for being there for us. It's okay to let it be as it will be." I was in awe of her saying all of this, for I had needed to hear it, for I can't bring him back to life as I was trying, hoping to see his shadow, his spirit and his smile again....but really I wanted him to nod his head saying "That's good, That's what I wanted for everyone."

I was in the present in that place with my mother. The ghost of Christmas present gave me a thumbs up from the restaurant window in that very moment. He winked at me as he boomed around happily.

My mother reassured me that evening, I realized how I needed to surrender. I needed to stop chasing Derek's style of celebrating the holidays, stop trying to make it all so perfect. Because it wasn't, it would always hurt like hell, be so wrong and not right, truly not possible to be perfect...not ever. I surrendered. My mother said "It's alright, You don't have to buy everything that Derek would of bought, we'll survive, we'll get through it." I let my tears dripping off my face, my silent crying as become a way of life for me now. So I said back "Thank you for saying that, I have been so worried about how painful this first Christmas will be...I was trying to lessen that in some way but now I realize that I can't."

The ghost of Christmas present has his mind filled with the Here and Now. He always winks at me with 2 thumbs up and with a hearty good laugh.

He tells me in my painful grief to go out into the world and do good!

And I am made stronger for it, I am able singing louder and dancing longer, being silly, being joyful and always staying clever! The Ghost of Christmas present encourages it! He brings out the best in me!

I could live happily ever after with the Ghost of Christmas Present! For there is much do and much to give, much to share and much to be thankful for in the here and now.

The sun was shinning brightly on Christmas day 2017 and the neighbor kids were building a snow man right across the street. I felt so happy to watch them be so silly, as I drank my cup of coffee from the bay window, I felt like the ghost of Christmas future is reminding me of how to be prepared and to stay focused.

This ghost who doesn't scare me at all, The Ghost of Christmas future is neither gender, nor emotional instead it's calm. It's a peaceful wisdom that comes to me very clearly, straight forward in pure strength. It stands strong for me. And I am at peace when I see it sit down with me.

I whisper to it "And so here you are, to remind me not to be afraid of my own death. How many more Christmases shall we sit like this wiser and older for it all? How many more times will my heart break? I know you shadow me through out the year, I know you know that I am not afraid of the future, I just don't want to face it without Derek, I never thought I would have to."

I sip my coffee, because the ghost of Christmas future never speaks. There are no words worthy enough to explain it all.

I sat in the sunny light of warmth as Christmas moves forward I sat there missing my ghost from the past and my playful ghost of the present as now this ghost for the future holds my hand while it turns into wrinkles I still sip on my coffee. I was born already knowing my time is short, my holiday celebrations can't last forever therefore I will never take them for granted, I will keep Christmas always, I will celebrate the season of generosity for the rest of my life!

The ghost of the past is there to always give out a hug, the ghost of the present is giving out high-fives, and the ghost of our future is always out there, advising and advocating.

As that morning sun shines moves I sit drinking my coffee on the first Christmas day without my brother Derek to share in it. I felt as if we were those kids across the street making a snowman once again.....and I smile to myself.

Derek yells out "No face! Only hit the body!' I reply back "Well duh! I'm the one wearing eye glasses, don't break them!" the snow balls flew as the laughter was real on Christmas day in the morning.

I cry on in little or big ways for the Holidays will always be so important to me.

I hug on to every single day of the year because there is no time like the present to share such love!

I smile steadily in facing the future because I carry these 3 spirits within me. They are now my well known friends.

Always.

Here We Come A-wassailing

The most important thing about Christmas for me is sharing my food, and giving what I can in every way to help someone have warm blankets, socks and coats. Winter is rough enough without being in need, living in a scary survival way. Since I have some Christmases like that I can relate in how fearful it is to go a week without any food or with out a warm enough coat. The whole world needs Christmas time in order to remember to share and to give in any way we can.
In this film of 1994 that I saw in the theaters and never ever forgot it, these 4 sisters take their only Christmas meal full of fun holiday nutrition to a far more poor, hungry family that their mother was already there trying to help. These girls on their own decided to give more help to make Christmas wonderful for another family. I believe if Christmas could be all about giving and not so showy, not so stressful in requiring gifts then the true spirit of the holidays come to life in such goodness!
We sometimes need help on Christmas during our personal struggles, and sometimes we can give help! Each year comes around for a reason, to re-set our focus on kindness, caring and coming together no matter what!
On this Christmas eve I look around at my home so cozy and warm, my fake Christmas tree still wows me in how my husband knew last year it would cheer me up for sure!
I've been feeling hopeful for the new year, thankful that all my pets are doing so good in their elderly years now. I am grateful my husband is happy and healthy in his career, in his schedules, as he's home for Christmas.
I've been thinking about my 39 years of Christmases, and they encourage me to do more for those in need as I get older because such experiences taught me like these 4 sisters as well that we don't need very much to be happy for Christmas!  

May Peace and Joy find you this evening among family or friends!

Stuck at 3 for days

The moon was bright, huge in fact as I screamed at the top of my lungs saying "SHIT!" I was in over my head in life as most 22 year olds can feel.
I had rent, bills and car repairs piling up on my working over time schedule that couldn't seem to keep a single paycheck into my saving account. "What the fuck am I going to do??? How am I going to get a head of all of this real world crap?" 
The tears of fear, of confusion and frustration left me looking up at that big moon in winter.
I am truly afraid of the cold, I am afraid of failure and of being stupid.
It's going to be Christmas eve soon........my mother called saying Grandma asked for me to come to our usual family time. I was pissed off that I didn't have any gifts ready, I was mad at myself for not realizing the holidays were so close in my tunnel vision of working so hard.
My boyfriend Tony had just told me that I was a work-a-holic, so I was instantly angry at him and stormed away crying. Because my insecurities were all around me. 
While Tony was still living with his father then he asked me why my parents didn't teach me anything and I explained "Because they believe women should never live on their own, a girl goes from her father's household to her husband's and I broke those rules. If I called them up to ask for help they would know I am suffering for my huge mistake in moving out from under them. I had to battle with them to get this kind of freedom so I am never ever going back!" Tony snorted rolling his eyes "So this is really all about your pride then? You would rather not get rent paid then to ask your parents for a little help?" I realized in that moment he was right but I still grew angry over it. I still drove away in needing to be on my own for awhile.....
I sat in my car looking up at the moon out in the country side for I had pulled off the road to just scream, then to talk to the moon as I always have....."Dear God, why do you not even exists? I miss being so sheltered and so naive in so many ways....Perhaps there is a form of you in a far better light then what you allow to be seen on this earth, maybe you just live in the moon!?!? It's harder to live each day not having any answers for my life, to realize every story has more depth and behind the scenes information that was left out...like the bible. There's no book in the world so mishandled and full of evilness, the good parts are like diamonds still stuck in the rock with strings attached. I sat in my car for a moment to myself wondering if my pride is hurt because I am not successful as I think I should be at this age? Am I ever really going to understand my past without getting so pissed off?
    Then this song came on the radio as I burst into tears realizing I can't ever go back to pretending. With Christmas eve arriving once again I can't say that it still holds any magic anymore, I will never be able to pretend again.
This song made me think of my mother.
For she had said "It's important for you to be here on Christmas eve for your Grandparents." I was agreeing yet I was so angry because this was the first Christmas eve in 7 years after not going to their home, Now I had to get a gift for everyone in my extended family with no money of this first winter living on my own. My Grandma had come to see my new home, she had asked me why did I leave the farm and I said "Because I've been an adult longer then I ever realized before. I was always fighting with my mom then I moved here and that all stopped now I actually like to see her or meet up with her again." Grandma had laughed and she had said my place was so very clean, I joked that she had taught me well! 

I loved that moon light clearing my head and giving me a new game plan for Christmas eve as I decided to go open a department store credit card and buy all the gifts at once. I couldn't wait to see my Grandparents again of course but I had to sit out there singing this song in order to calm myself down.
It's 3 am I am must be lonely, happiness is a mat that sits at my door way. So as I found my life totally upside down living on my own in "Live and Learn." struggle I thought about how this was going to be the first Christmas eve in 7 years that I saw everyone because my parents had a disagreement with my Grandparents when I was 15 years old. We stopped going to Christmas eve and that was a warning for my own self, as my moving out was just as ugly. I sat thinking "My mother called me? Does this mean she is speaking to me again I wonder....? Guess I'll head out Christmas eve to find out, Ha!"

10 years later My mother was calling me on my cell phone, it was 3 am ad I answered it cheerfully "Mamma?" She began talking "I was thinking tomorrow you could bring me some tacos from Baja Fresh? I think there's to go containers for the salsas too, so make sure to get one each of them, I like the fresh salsa too." I chuckled and got out bed, I went out of the dark bedroom to sit down on the couch so we could chat longer, it's wonderful how 3 months from her stroke she could call me from her hospital bed that had an easy to reach phone connected on it. I wasn't annoyed, I wasn't upset because she almost died a few times and after that I counted everything she said or did as a gift.
She was lonely there all on her own for the night, she was doing so good in recovery so my father had finally began staying home at night sometimes. She had memorized my phone # in part of her recovery days and while I went to see her every day I tried not to be there when my father or my sister were there too, I would tell her to call me when they left, or when she was bored and I will be right there for her. 
It was now the end of such a traumatic summer, the end of such drama so I was worn out completely yet grateful for our 3 am chats, they happened about 2 or 3 times a week. I never complained and never thought it was a bad thing, not ever. I delighted in those personal moments with her and knowing she was getting better warmed my heart!
Sometimes she would just hang up while I was talking or a nurse would say that she's there now so all was well and I would sit awhile around 3 am hour smiling to myself.
    I would sometimes walk out into my big backyard after Mom hung up just to look up at the moon and maybe talk to it some more.

 Last month I walked my mom out to my couch at 3 am as she asked me to stay with her, she wanted to watch a movie so I put on a quiet sweet show like "The road to Avonlea." so the house stayed peaceful awhile longer. Once she was comfortable again I would pile the pillows and blankets on the floor beside her so I could sleep as she knew I was right there for her. In the 3 am hour the sound of her snoring warmed my heart that finally she is resting and healing from a day of struggles. I think of how these last 7 years has been a painful journey for all who love her.....

    It's true that taking care of my mom for 3 days or for a week feels like the clock on the wall is stuck at 3. I am often worried about her, I remember how she took care of me while I grew up, and now I take care of her as she grows down.
 It's never been easy for either of us to understand the other. It's never been clear on why we are such drastically different people, yet we have more in common now perhaps or we are more aware of all the things we agree on. I believe I am meant to make her laugh and smile when I can, and not be worried when she cries mostly I can cry right there with her too.
                   It was February 13, 2017 as the bright warm sunshine came out unto the world of such a crazy winter, while my husband Tony asked me "What do ya have planned for today?" I smiled proudly "I driving straight out to see my mom! She'll be surprised for sure!"
It was that bursting through her cottage front door where she slept in her chair surrounded by pillows, it was the surprised looks on Mom and my baby brother Davey that made me laughing as I exclaimed "SURPRISE! I am HERE! It only took me 9 weeks to get my car out of the driveway again! Ha!"
By 3 pm that day we were strolling in the sun light along the shopping stores sidewalk. It felt good to be back out into the world again!

       Last Thursday I drove my Mom and her baby sister Karen out to lunch, the 3 of us sat together in the nice yummy classy restaurant surrounded by holiday decorations. We were reminiscing so easily, so happily.....
   For Grandma Norma came to our minds and our hearts as their mother loved Christmas so very much. I felt grateful to delight in all the wonder Grandma created back then, in all the love she had for her family. The whole disagreement my parents had with her took us away from her special holiday, she was devastated and I would hug her awhile as she cried on in my 15 year old arms. I knew even then it was all so wrong but I couldn't say anything, in fact I was afraid to speak so my arms stayed open instead. I would there to clean her house but not stay longer then that. Back then being 15 my fear of conflict was huge, it was there to keep me safe but also to teach me how to grow into bravery. I was very careful in what I said to my Grandma or to my mother in those days. Of course now if I disagree with some one I can share it with care, I can face it without fear. I am far more empowered with my wisdom then I was back then.....
My Mom sat across from my Aunt Karen and me as she talked about how important Christmas eve is to her, how glad she is that all her kids will be there this year of 2018, Yet she will wake up Christmas day wishing Derek was there cooking up breakfast like in all those years before......
I wish Christmas miracles could be real like that, in bringing him back to life!
For then I would use those Christmas miracles to see Grandma Norma in her Christmas house coat and slippers with her cute elf like head cap as she moved about her very decorated home seeing all her kids once again under the same roof, sitting around the same big decorated Christmas tree.
For I would dance with Dana and Derek hand in hand singing all together "We wish you a merry Christmas....we wish you a merry Christmas!" around that very tree once again as Grandpa sat in his bay window smiling back at us.
If Christmas miracles could happen, if a life could be made right and stuck for all time!
......then happiness wouldn't just be a mat that sits at my door way. I would embrace those days once again far better then I actually did.
I sat with my mom and my aunt on that perfect cold clear Thursday so grateful for our history, for our families and for the future as it will grew deep into the new Christmas trees of our homes, shinning brighter then the moon above us as nothing stays the same year to year. My mother is 11 years older then her sister and her sister is 11 years older then me as we sat together laughing, sharing and eating together for our Christmas celebration.

Then I drive back home feeling so grateful that we had time together, singing my heart out to this song once again,
 "She believes that life is made up of all that you're used to."

Winter Solstice

(I found this and thought it's perfect for my blog and for me to remember how Winter is the sad season of dealing with our own personal issues, our own personal selves. It is our very important time in self care and self awareness. We rest and we heal in the winter days of each year. Therefore I am always lost in the snow for awhile....)

Author: Brigit Anna McNeill•
We are approaching the threshold of winter.
Life is being drawn into the earth, painlessly descending down into the very heart of herself.
And we as natural human animals are being called to do the same, the pull to descend into our bodies, into sleep, darkness and the depths of our own inner caves continually tugging at our marrow.
But many find the descent into their own body a scary thing indeed, fearing the unmet emotions and past events that they have stored in the dark caves inside themselves, not wanting to face what they have so carefully and unkindly avoided.

This winter solstice time is no longer celebrated as it once was, with the understanding that this period of descent into our own darkness was so necessary in order to find our light. That true freedom comes from accepting with forgiveness and love what we have been through and vanquishing the hold it has on us, bringing the golden treasure back from the cave of our darker depths.

This is a time of rest and deep reflection, a time to wipe the slate clean as it were and clear out the old so you can walk into spring feeling ready to grow and skip without a dusty mountain on your back & chains around your ankles tied to the caves in your soul.

A time for the medicine of story, of fire, of nourishment and love.
A period of reconnecting, relearning & reclaiming of what this time means brings winter back to a time of kindness, love, rebirth, peace and unburdening instead of a time of dread, fear, depression and avoidance.

This modern culture teaches avoidance at a max at this time; alcohol, lights, shopping, overworking, over spending, bad food and consumerism.
And yet the natural tug to go inwards as nearly all creatures are doing is strong and people are left feeling as if there is something wrong with them, that winter is cruel and leaves them feeling abandoned and afraid. Whereas in actual fact winter is so kind, yes she points us in her quiet soft way towards our inner self, towards the darkness and potential death of what we were, but this journey if held with care is essential.

She is like a strong teacher that asks you to awaken your inner loving elder or therapist, holding yourself with awareness of forgiveness and allowing yourself to grieve, to cry, rage, laugh, & face what we need to face in order to be freed from the jagged bonds we wrapped around our hearts, in order to reach a place of healing & light without going into overwhelm.

Winter takes away the distractions, the noise and presents us with the perfect time to rest and withdraw into a womb like love, bringing fire & light to our hearth.

The Freak and The Mighty

          It's a movie that Christmas eve unfolds around these 2 boys, as they become friends and use their strengths to help each other. "The Mighty." was released in theaters in 1998. 
And it was spectacular!
Based on the book "Freak the mighty." by Rodman Philbrick (To which I haven't read this book yet but I sure as hell will never forget this movie!)
In fact when my husband asked me the other day if there is a movie I would like to see again I instantly thought of "The Mighty."
I am without a doubt such a fan of re-watching profound movies over and over again until I have capture ALL of the powerful information from it and can recite it by heart. 
This time in watching this film I realized it's hard to see James Gandolfini playing a bad guy! He's a mob boss with clever street smarts in his tender emotional struggles of living by a code in a deep honest real way as his famous role in HBO's best TV drama ever "The Sopranos." Truly a master in acting, He was able to be so real to the viewer and so he is also great in "The Mighty." I think his part played out perfectly to show those boys how brave they are and how smart they are too! 
It's the most inspiring friendship, such boys getting bullied in school and living with struggles of being different from everyone else then finding out how if they work together they make a good team. They experience living life and having adventures in ways they couldn't do alone. It's profound how they took stories of old, classic characters as knights of the round table and put into real life action a "Hero's Code" to live by!
I was in pure delight the first time I saw this film, finally a movie about real life issues in learning how to work together in order to be our best self!
Finally the truth about kids living with disabilities beyond their own control, and truth in having horrible family members with horrible real life situations while they still carry the fire of hope, of bravery and of loyalty. THE most important years of our lives are when we are kids. AND adults need to know that, they need to realize how their kids will grow up so fast, so it's very important in how they treat their kids, how they teach them and how they lead for them as the examples every child will look towards. Every single child will grow up with a mixture of information from all of the adults around them, if those adults are slacking, are lazy or are very selfish the child will sense it and know it to be true that this life isn't easy, it's even harder with such real painful neglect.
While it's very important not to smoother as well, Parents have a huge job to understand. It's far more important then anything else they will ever do in their life time. They should always be willing to ask for help and support along the way too. I think this movie proves that fact very clearly.
 And This movie showed me a world entirely made up of pure imagination among the real life issues and struggles, in the importance of self-respect while teaming up to feel stronger like these boys in their partnership that brought them independence.

I loved this movie from start to finish, I seek the profound always, I long to fix the world while also knowing I can't do it alone.
These are the life lessons of each and everyone of us. We need teamwork, we need support and help in living our best selves.

I am the mighty, by pure joy I see simple things all around as I try to figure the deeper things out. 
I am the freak, by pure wonder I see humor, right from wrong, I see an endless list of possibilities in simply just living life!

For I mount my horse and draw my sword in facing evil I fight it with true confidence and with pure love, for such evil can not see it's way around me because I am the blinding light!
          Then I hear Max shouting out "They were going to get him a new body! Wait, wait come back!"

and I realize it's even more important to embrace such make believe, to embrace imagination in order to not waste any more time fighting against the reality, the negativity, instead we can write a new chapter and help a new friend every new day for the rest of our lives!

For King Arthur may not of been real, but I am.

Kodaline - One Day

It's awe inspiring in me today to think about this song and my whole life time.
I have never ever wasted time, every single second of my breath I have appreciated it.
I am still holding on, I am still in life knowing this very second is fleeting.
I am grateful today to be home with napping pets in the cold winter's day, I researched facebook in my timelines and in my photos back to the beginning in 2008 when I joined it. It feels crazy that was a decade ago, it took me to beginning.
To a photo of me as a baby I cried because there were funny clever comments from my brother Derek along the way! How wonderful! what a gift facebook for me!
I am in awe!
I am in tears and in pain always, but to find him there at a click of my computer is like freezing time! Like magic!
I am in awe! 
Trends of society can come and go, but I can be found right here in my blog or in facebook like an crazy episode of "The Twilight Zone." or even scarier then that like "Black Mirror." I am left here in songs, in thoughts, in writings and in pictures as a whole decade now comes to an end.
When I turned 30 I felt so happy, so healthy and so strong in my joy of arriving to the age I have always been inside.
It's here still for me to go back and read about my optimism for the future as that future is over, a new future for after my 40's begins.
I am in awe!
as I wonder what is it all about?.....

One day it will be the whole story for me.   

Crystallize - Lindsey Stirling

Ever since my brother Derek died, I have had crystallized focus on my own life.
I don't put up with any bullshit anymore.
I don't waste my time in wanting everyone to get along, to be friends or to want us all to create a perfect world because I know there is no such thing now. Perfection is in the mistakes, in the stories and in the realness of a human soul. It's not a destination, it's a journey as fleeting as my own heart beat.

I have crystal vision, I have crystal hearing, I have crystal insight and strength that I take from this whole tragic loss in my life to be better then I was before...
Yet I will always wish to go back into time to sit with him again, laughing and talking.
To be full of distractions and dreams for our future, to feel close as our family grows older.......

I don't really care if anyone like me now, I hope to not be rude of course but I have been through fire and flood. I have been swimming to the shore of once was, only to realize I live here in the thousands of tears and heart ache for the rest of my days. The ocean is beautiful underneath, the value of a whole other world is going down deep.

I will use my crystal focus to face the future, whispering "I've got your Brother."

Elf - Baby It's Cold

It's a fun movie "Elf."  I look forward to watching it every holiday season, for it's a sweet holiday movie where a grown man is happy and very innocent. He was raised as an elf while not fitting into the rest of the north pole, finding out that his real father was working in New York, he goes out into the world doing good and embracing life fully!
He is an inspiration to everyone around Christmas when most people are stressed or distracted from the real meaning of the holiday.
It's a perfect movie that I could relate to very much in trying to get my husband to like Christmas those first 5 years we were married, I was just like Elf. I think I always will be actually...
It's the lights, the music and the season of wonder, of magic and of joy!
Once we realize the crowds of people will be apart of the experience, then no matter where we go we can delight in it like Buddy the Elf.
This song is perfect for the scene in the movie as Buddy has no idea he is intruding on her personal private time. The pure sweetness of their friendship grows into the movie as a nice side note as Buddy learns to adapt to the real world while holding on to his joy, his wonder of all things good!
I can relate so very much in my own self, maybe we all can.
It's hard to grow up realizing if you don't make time for Christmas it will pass you by in the blink of an eye, it can take more money then you ever realized to bring it back to life from your childhood memories but as I think over the my favorite Christmases were always the simplest ones. Singing "Baby, it's cold outside." always made me laugh as it tells the story of a man wanting a woman to stay with him while it's winter outside, they are drinking, flirting and smoking together as they sing the song of back and forth banter, of equal attraction to one another yet the song has references to bad weather being the reason they should be together, while the man and woman discuss going or staying the part I always chuckle at is when she sings "There's bound to be talk tomorrow..." Women are always worried about how it looks to others because they are always judged harshly for it, while men move in and out of the situation more in admiration. It's not fair at all, both people are equal in their choices to cozy up together on a snowy winter's night yet society judges the women far more harshly, the debate right now is that this song isn't equal at all and shouldn't be sung anymore as the woman is being pressured to stay with the man. In the song I feel that it is a mutual desire, however the man is stating his case and his desire with all the snow out there, with the cold outside to his advantage. It represents a time in society when a woman couldn't be so bold as a man in this way, the amusement I have always had for this song is still there after all these concerns and debates about it being unsuitable for society anymore.
It's captured in one of my most favorite holiday films to enjoy, to sing along with and to simply smile at. 
For there's something special about the cold, about cuddling up in the winter together.

I love this song

As the Christmas tree is lit up, the fake candles flicker around the cats in my living room, I watch this movie "The Muppets Christmas Carol." filmed in 1992, it's a classic ad I know it word for word by heart!
I love this song!

I love being home while it snows outside, while this movie plays on as the pets nap in blankets next to the soft glow of all my golden Christmas lights.

I love this song as it shares how we should embrace the holidays fully and happily with so much to be thankful for, so much to share with others!

I think every year as winter arrives bringing such good movies for the holidays helps us face the cold.

I am truly thankful for this movie never changing even though I grow older, even though each year things are different.

This story is one that holds true through the test of time.

With a thankful heart we can give each other a helping hand along the way as this song inspires me to sing along fully!

Choir! Choir! Choir! sings Sir Elton John - Tiny Dancer

Every Thursday I drive out to my parents, I have been trying to get out there once a week for the last 2 years now.  Before that I would try as often as I could 2 or 3 times a month, in my old little car once the snow hit I was stuck so during the winter apocalypse of 2016 to 2017, our cute little car was stuck in our drive way not able to back up over the mountain of snow. It was the craziest of snow, horrid winter I can remember! The year before had been shocking with ice, as if the whole world was turned into a glazed over ice sculpture!  That was a week long trial, but the winter apocalypse was months long!

My brother Derek made a snow fort with his supply of snow that year during the holiday season of that apocalypse. He had his buddies four wheeling through the snowy streets for sliding on their snowboards in the neighborhood I now live, I now walk  through all over.
I followed him back in those days 2 years ago on social media like facebook, years before we chatted online through our email accounts all the time too so life is brought closer with technology, I am in awe of remembering those conversations and connections now.

It's important to me to go out and see my Mom, to help her out in any way she needs.
I try to stay organized in my plans and my schedule so that she can count on me to arrive the same day every week. She likes looking forward to things, going out to eat, going shopping, driving around and popping in on friends. She likes taking long showers, getting her hair done and trying on her new clothes. She always has an idea of something she needs me to do for her in her bedroom or her cottage. My father think the word "cottage." is silly, but I said to him that a house has more then just one bedroom, a cottage is only one or 2 small bedrooms, a house is like 3 or more bedrooms, It's fun to say cottage no matter what though! :-)
My parents live together in a one bedroom, one handicap accessible bathroom and handicap kitchen with a living room on the big orchard farm facing out towards the snake river and Owyhee mountains.
It's a spectacular view from their front door!

I try to get out there in the morning for the whole day, I have my pets to set up before I leave. My husband usually gets home quickly in the afternoon to help them since they are all old now. These are the days of elderly pet care and I'm honored to be able to give them the best life possible!
I'm honored to be flexible in my week to go see my mother too, I am right where I am meant to be.
It could all look so different in 2 years from now so I delight in how my days are right now, I focus all my attention on caring and being available, I am glad I have this freedom from having to work a regular job in order to fill my days making the world a wonderful place to live for all!

Last Thursday on my drive out to my parents the song "Tiny Dancer." came on the radio, I sang my heart out and then I cried. (I always cry somewhere in my day, it's not shocking, not weird or strange because I feel so much all the time, I have a whole life time in me now. crying doesn't worry me at all)
It's wonderful how the radio played a song I hadn't heard in forever, how the morning sunlight shined on all around me as I drove on through Caldwell Idaho as I went through Greenleaf Idaho slowly and I always think I should stop for the most amazing donuts in the whole world at Lonny's. I like how on this Thursday the wide open sky showed perfect shape clouds as far as the eye could see! It was reminding me how winter is coming soon.

I brought lunch to my mom as we had a home day. We didn't go anywhere like we usually do. We simply enjoyed being home getting ready for Christmas!
That song Tiny Dancer was in my head all the rest of the day, I loved that song from my young days in my 20's so now I wonder what new songs will be for my 40's?

Maybe one day I will find Choir! Choir! Choir! to join in singing with them!?!

U2 - Magnificent

For December has arrived!
For winter's bitter cold and hibernation time has begun!
For all the love and gratitude I have for my husband Tony in how rough this season is on him.
For how wonderful it is that he likes the holidays now, because of me he loves this month more!
For I am blessed, I am loved and I am truly joyful in these 25 days ahead to Christmas!

Thank You to my Hubby

                   

As the month of Thanksgiving ends, I think of all things I put on the list of gratitude for I had a wonderful husband by my side in the crowded grocery store, he took time off work to just be home and it was wonderful! 

I was ever so grateful for his help in cooking, baking and planning Thanksgiving dinner. 

We are the strong and wise adults now that bring forth value in traditions and stability. It's important to both of us to help the world in every way we can, in sharing with our families such time in love and gratefulness.......because we understand now how fast it all goes by. 

When we were young in starting our life together we were focused on making money in order to survive, so the holidays were just another day to get double pay. 

Sadly we look back and realize we didn't know any better......

We would never compromise the holidays now. 

I am glad we learned that life lesson together very early on in our lives. 

We are the leaders for the next generation, there is no money more important in this whole world for it can't replace the people in our lives today.

All the other days of the year you can work your heart out, never spend a dime until the holidays arrive. It helps when you know every year you will be right where you are meant to be.

Now I understand there are certain people who can't do family time, I give them grace in their constant struggle, in their constant dramas and their constant confusions. 

If it's the money they really need, if it's the horrible family they try to avoid I understand, I have learned that there is no perfect family, no perfect safe amount of money in which you will arrive safely through out life. 

It's that focus on perfection for the holidays, the traditions that are important, being willing to show up and support one another that is where true joy lives on through all of time. I am honored to discover this before I get to old.......

       

I am the rock in which I build up my home.

I am so thankful for my husband who has always agreed with me that families need stability. 

He once said that if he had a kid suddenly or had a need in our family like that he would work 3 jobs in order to save enough to be home more for when that child grew aware of him. It's lost in our society that home is where everyone should be together for as long as they can. He believes his creativity would bring about good things in order to give this new soul a better life! I admire that about him, in which we agree how a new person in this world needs all the help they can get!

 Lately we've been told we would be awesome parents, I joke back that it's because we get such good sleep for the most part, when you are an actual parent ya don't.

My Husband and I talk about how important it is to get the message out there in being very careful who you choose to have sex with, that is where the very beginning of your possible family can start so be extra careful with who you choose play around with. 

When we first met we both said that we knew there's much more to the world then just us.

 When we finally got married after those 4 years in dating we covered everything for our future and it felt great to know without a doubt we are the same page. 

Now it's even more important to me in seeing how 15 years/19 years together, has created this amazing life! 

I am in awe! I am in gratefulness! 

Thank you to my husband for providing such a magical good yummy Thanksgiving, and for being there for me in every way! My husband loves how our families come over every year now for Thanksgiving, for a special time together away from the busy world.

 I burst forth in such energy in cooking, baking and helping him side by side in our magical kitchen! I am thankful for such a great husband through out my life! I am in awe of him, in awe of us having come so far in time together and in facing the future together! 

Before we got married the next day, My husband looked at me asking "So are you really okay in not having kids?" I smiled proudly "Of course! I feel that the world is full of kids needing love, Besides I already have my baby brothers, my heart is full just as we are! I think my life is meant for other possibilities!" He sighed with relief "Oh thank God, I always knew I didn't want kids." I laughed at his worried adorable face.

He turned to me after my brothers left from our thanksgiving feast and board game time last week. "I sure hope your brothers feel at home here, I hope they feel like they can count on us. They can come by any time or call us if they need help in anything." I smiled proudly "I am sure that they do, they are young men stepping out into the same world of chaos that we did.....a stable safe place is always a big help along the way! Thank you for making the holidays so perfect like this!"