The moon was bright, huge in fact as I screamed at the top of my lungs saying "SHIT!" I was in over my head in life as most 22 year olds can feel.
I had rent, bills and car repairs piling up on my working over time schedule that couldn't seem to keep a single paycheck into my saving account. "What the fuck am I going to do??? How am I going to get a head of all of this real world crap?"
The tears of fear, of confusion and frustration left me looking up at that big moon in winter.
I am truly afraid of the cold, I am afraid of failure and of being stupid.
It's going to be Christmas eve soon........my mother called saying Grandma asked for me to come to our usual family time. I was pissed off that I didn't have any gifts ready, I was mad at myself for not realizing the holidays were so close in my tunnel vision of working so hard.
My boyfriend Tony had just told me that I was a work-a-holic, so I was instantly angry at him and stormed away crying. Because my insecurities were all around me.
While Tony was still living with his father then he asked me why my parents didn't teach me anything and I explained "Because they believe women should never live on their own, a girl goes from her father's household to her husband's and I broke those rules. If I called them up to ask for help they would know I am suffering for my huge mistake in moving out from under them. I had to battle with them to get this kind of freedom so I am never ever going back!" Tony snorted rolling his eyes "So this is really all about your pride then? You would rather not get rent paid then to ask your parents for a little help?" I realized in that moment he was right but I still grew angry over it. I still drove away in needing to be on my own for awhile.....
I sat in my car looking up at the moon out in the country side for I had pulled off the road to just scream, then to talk to the moon as I always have....."Dear God, why do you not even exists? I miss being so sheltered and so naive in so many ways....Perhaps there is a form of you in a far better light then what you allow to be seen on this earth, maybe you just live in the moon!?!? It's harder to live each day not having any answers for my life, to realize every story has more depth and behind the scenes information that was left out...like the bible. There's no book in the world so mishandled and full of evilness, the good parts are like diamonds still stuck in the rock with strings attached. I sat in my car for a moment to myself wondering if my pride is hurt because I am not successful as I think I should be at this age? Am I ever really going to understand my past without getting so pissed off?
Then this song came on the radio as I burst into tears realizing I can't ever go back to pretending. With Christmas eve arriving once again I can't say that it still holds any magic anymore, I will never be able to pretend again.
This song made me think of my mother.
For she had said "It's important for you to be here on Christmas eve for your Grandparents." I was agreeing yet I was so angry because this was the first Christmas eve in 7 years after not going to their home, Now I had to get a gift for everyone in my extended family with no money of this first winter living on my own. My Grandma had come to see my new home, she had asked me why did I leave the farm and I said "Because I've been an adult longer then I ever realized before. I was always fighting with my mom then I moved here and that all stopped now I actually like to see her or meet up with her again." Grandma had laughed and she had said my place was so very clean, I joked that she had taught me well!
I loved that moon light clearing my head and giving me a new game plan for Christmas eve as I decided to go open a department store credit card and buy all the gifts at once. I couldn't wait to see my Grandparents again of course but I had to sit out there singing this song in order to calm myself down.
It's 3 am I am must be lonely, happiness is a mat that sits at my door way. So as I found my life totally upside down living on my own in "Live and Learn." struggle I thought about how this was going to be the first Christmas eve in 7 years that I saw everyone because my parents had a disagreement with my Grandparents when I was 15 years old. We stopped going to Christmas eve and that was a warning for my own self, as my moving out was just as ugly. I sat thinking "My mother called me? Does this mean she is speaking to me again I wonder....? Guess I'll head out Christmas eve to find out, Ha!"
10 years later My mother was calling me on my cell phone, it was 3 am ad I answered it cheerfully "Mamma?" She began talking "I was thinking tomorrow you could bring me some tacos from Baja Fresh? I think there's to go containers for the salsas too, so make sure to get one each of them, I like the fresh salsa too." I chuckled and got out bed, I went out of the dark bedroom to sit down on the couch so we could chat longer, it's wonderful how 3 months from her stroke she could call me from her hospital bed that had an easy to reach phone connected on it. I wasn't annoyed, I wasn't upset because she almost died a few times and after that I counted everything she said or did as a gift.
She was lonely there all on her own for the night, she was doing so good in recovery so my father had finally began staying home at night sometimes. She had memorized my phone # in part of her recovery days and while I went to see her every day I tried not to be there when my father or my sister were there too, I would tell her to call me when they left, or when she was bored and I will be right there for her.
It was now the end of such a traumatic summer, the end of such drama so I was worn out completely yet grateful for our 3 am chats, they happened about 2 or 3 times a week. I never complained and never thought it was a bad thing, not ever. I delighted in those personal moments with her and knowing she was getting better warmed my heart!
Sometimes she would just hang up while I was talking or a nurse would say that she's there now so all was well and I would sit awhile around 3 am hour smiling to myself.
I would sometimes walk out into my big backyard after Mom hung up just to look up at the moon and maybe talk to it some more.
Last month I walked my mom out to my couch at 3 am as she asked me to stay with her, she wanted to watch a movie so I put on a quiet sweet show like "The road to Avonlea." so the house stayed peaceful awhile longer. Once she was comfortable again I would pile the pillows and blankets on the floor beside her so I could sleep as she knew I was right there for her. In the 3 am hour the sound of her snoring warmed my heart that finally she is resting and healing from a day of struggles. I think of how these last 7 years has been a painful journey for all who love her.....
It's true that taking care of my mom for 3 days or for a week feels like the clock on the wall is stuck at 3. I am often worried about her, I remember how she took care of me while I grew up, and now I take care of her as she grows down.
It's never been easy for either of us to understand the other. It's never been clear on why we are such drastically different people, yet we have more in common now perhaps or we are more aware of all the things we agree on. I believe I am meant to make her laugh and smile when I can, and not be worried when she cries mostly I can cry right there with her too.
It was February 13, 2017 as the bright warm sunshine came out unto the world of such a crazy winter, while my husband Tony asked me "What do ya have planned for today?" I smiled proudly "I driving straight out to see my mom! She'll be surprised for sure!"
It was that bursting through her cottage front door where she slept in her chair surrounded by pillows, it was the surprised looks on Mom and my baby brother Davey that made me laughing as I exclaimed "SURPRISE! I am HERE! It only took me 9 weeks to get my car out of the driveway again! Ha!"
By 3 pm that day we were strolling in the sun light along the shopping stores sidewalk. It felt good to be back out into the world again!
Last Thursday I drove my Mom and her baby sister Karen out to lunch, the 3 of us sat together in the nice yummy classy restaurant surrounded by holiday decorations. We were reminiscing so easily, so happily.....
For Grandma Norma came to our minds and our hearts as their mother loved Christmas so very much. I felt grateful to delight in all the wonder Grandma created back then, in all the love she had for her family. The whole disagreement my parents had with her took us away from her special holiday, she was devastated and I would hug her awhile as she cried on in my 15 year old arms. I knew even then it was all so wrong but I couldn't say anything, in fact I was afraid to speak so my arms stayed open instead. I would there to clean her house but not stay longer then that. Back then being 15 my fear of conflict was huge, it was there to keep me safe but also to teach me how to grow into bravery. I was very careful in what I said to my Grandma or to my mother in those days. Of course now if I disagree with some one I can share it with care, I can face it without fear. I am far more empowered with my wisdom then I was back then.....
My Mom sat across from my Aunt Karen and me as she talked about how important Christmas eve is to her, how glad she is that all her kids will be there this year of 2018, Yet she will wake up Christmas day wishing Derek was there cooking up breakfast like in all those years before......
I wish Christmas miracles could be real like that, in bringing him back to life!
For then I would use those Christmas miracles to see Grandma Norma in her Christmas house coat and slippers with her cute elf like head cap as she moved about her very decorated home seeing all her kids once again under the same roof, sitting around the same big decorated Christmas tree.
For I would dance with Dana and Derek hand in hand singing all together "We wish you a merry Christmas....we wish you a merry Christmas!" around that very tree once again as Grandpa sat in his bay window smiling back at us.
If Christmas miracles could happen, if a life could be made right and stuck for all time!
......then happiness wouldn't just be a mat that sits at my door way. I would embrace those days once again far better then I actually did.
I sat with my mom and my aunt on that perfect cold clear Thursday so grateful for our history, for our families and for the future as it will grew deep into the new Christmas trees of our homes, shinning brighter then the moon above us as nothing stays the same year to year. My mother is 11 years older then her sister and her sister is 11 years older then me as we sat together laughing, sharing and eating together for our Christmas celebration.
Then I drive back home feeling so grateful that we had time together, singing my heart out to this song once again,
"She believes that life is made up of all that you're used to."
No comments:
Post a Comment