Every Christmas we watched the movie "A Christmas Carol." and I often watch all through the month of December The Muppets "A Christmas Carol." as well.
The classic movie "A Christmas Carol with George c. Scott." was released in 1984. It's a familiar film of when my husband and I were kids so we still carry on the tradition in watching it every single year.
It's from Charles Dickens, originally published in 1905, this story has been told a million times over in books, in plays and in movies. (Even Mickey Mouse stars in a cartoon of this famous Christmas classic)
I believe it's value, the life lessons in the story and the hope for redemption is why we love it so much.
This life lesson comes to us all at different times, in different ways and sometimes it gets lost to us all together....
So no matter what your faith is, no matter what nation you identify with, no matter your age, no matter your career or your politics,The true Christmas spirit is that you make it last all year!
The joy in sharing and the love in giving is pure happiness.
Every day is a gift, everything we have is perfect when we come together.
From "A Christmas Carol." a lonely miserable man is visited by 3 spirits.
............And I know these spirits very well myself.
The ghost of Christmas past haunted me last year, I was found by her in my helpless defeated grief sobbing so much in my longing to have my brother back alive.
For I had felt such a panic in me to gather as much as I could in honor of him. For I had thought to myself that this is very important so I made many lists of all the items he would of gotten if he could. Oh how he would given out spectacular gifts, he would of played board games, cook up dishes and he would joke around and on Christmas eve I was happy to see him!
The past is easy to see, easy to know and very easy to understand when looking back.
And so last year I was haunted or as I should say I was transported through time by this beautiful glowing spirit, she was very sweet to me as I sobbed out my longing to her in needing to see my brother so deeply. I asked her "What if I grow to forget? What if I can't recall his smiling face when he would hand out his gifts to us? What if one day his life stories are forgotten? Then she would tap me on my shoulder so I would look up from my panicking, from my crying to see a warm and familiar light of such a good time,
"Merry Christmas Derek!" I greeted him at the door of the cottage as I had been setting out Chinese foods from the take orders my husband and I had picked up on the way out there. Our father was helping our mother in the moment get settled nicely in their new living room. While her focus was on trying to make Christmas as perfect as it always was, therefore we all scrambled about in fulfilling her wishes.
Derek greeted me back "Merry Christmas Deb! Merry Christmas Mom!" his arms were full of big boxes wrapped in colorful patterns as he set them down with the help our young brothers. I hugged him as he came to help me dish out the food against the cold winter's evening outside, the tree was up and the gifts were stacked as we all took in that first Christmas after our mother's massive stroke. Our father mentioned not being sure if we had everything for Christmas as Derek reassured him saying "Don't worry, I got everything Mom told me to get." I chuckled at them talking, as I went to help eat with my Mom. I had learned to just share our food together from the same plate so that I could chat beside her as if she had 2 hands of her own. I ate right along with her as we visited, as I rotated the plate for her to see the remaining goodies. We were making new traditions I told her as she would begin to worry, as she went down the list of everything to still get done. I enjoyed just being with her on that first Christmas eve after our whole world turned upside down.
When my sister arrived along with the happy noise of children, the loud funny crazy stories she always had to tell Mom and then the excitement of unwrapping of the gifts begun, the whole cottage came alive!
How cozy the cottage was as My brothers Doug and Davey set up the board game for later, my husband talked politics or world events with the rest of the guys in the kitchen, my mom asked me to help her with something in her bedroom and the kids ran circles in the living room, for those kids were aware instantly that their Grandma is now a very different person having survived death. So they were sweet, they were gentle when they leaned on her to say something, as that Christmas eve slipped away into many more years much like that.
It was that Christmas of 2011 as "A Christmas Carol." with George C. Scott played out from the living room where my parents sat together side by side watching it, while my sister had headed home with new gifts and sleepy little ones, my husband quoted the lines from heart from the movie as it played on among my 4 brothers who burst out with game rules. I would throw my hands up saying "I am just playing for fun not really to win." then they all fell over the board in annoyance of me while I laughed.
When our father helped our mother up on her feet to get ready for bed Derek who was sitting by me looked on for a long moment to make sure they were steady enough and able to walk together, as I caught his eyes of sadness in that very same moment I shared his same look and he patted my arm in assuring me not to cry, even though no one prepares you for how fast time can skip forward in 6 months with sudden aging after my mother's stroke. I leaned into my brother in hopes to not cry while we were all together like that.
In that warm glow of the light over the kitchen table with our board game out full of pieces, the protests of my 3 brothers, Daren, Doug and Davey were often directed at my husband Tony who tried to do something he can't, this left such noisy conversations right beside us as just Derek and I watch our parents walk slowly to the bedroom. He leans into me with a understanding nod of how it's all so different now. He pats my arm in knowing that we both feel the very same way right then....That kitchen light fades out to the sounds of all those boys moving pieces of the game, as I cry out "Stop! Come back! Spirit, please take me back to that moment again! I beg you, speak comfort to me!" The winds blow on with snow falling all over the country side, the starry night still twinkles brightly above my head as I take time to always look up!
I can not ever go back.
How does one bare it? How does one learn to live again? How does one hurt so deeply forever? How can I stay in the past? Oh how I like it there!? Take me back Dear Spirit, take me back again!
I can only cherish my memories....
The ghost of Christmas past is now my old friend, my old beloved,very important friend.
She holds me when I ask all these things, she cries with me when I beg her to help me never forget. She is my oldest friend! And I shall always look for her on every Christmas eve! Every year for the rest of my life, she will greet me with a hug.
I cry on as I set up the gifts, the treats and the things my brother Derek would of liked to of done himself. I cry on, I hurt in my chest for that pain hasn't gone away yet....maybe I don't ever want it to?
There is no place like home for the holidays.
If the fates allow.......
During those years in finding our new normal after mom's life changing stroke, Derek was always there with his humor and with his generosity.
I cry on.
Last Christmas was 2 days away as I move around my parents cottage, my mother shared "This Christmas will be the first one without Derek, it will be strange to not have him all to myself for the whole weekend, Ya know he always bought me whatever I asked for." I chuckled nodding back at her with a tearful smile while moving around the very same kitchen we first gathered in 2011, now it's 2017....all these years later in helping my mom with the display of Christmas candies for she knows how it should look. All these years later of going Christmas shopping with her wheel chair and shopping cart tucked away so we could bring gifts to it as it piled up.
All those years later feels like just a week, a day.
On this day however I helped wrapped gifts for her, then I got her all ready for a late lunch. We had been doing many projects at her home so now we simply drove to the famous Orchard House where the food is very good and restaurant is cozy. It's just a few minuets from my parent's home. Since there was a big snow storm was coming in for Christmas weekend I was glad to assist her a couple of days before, keeping her steady on her feet worries me in the snow.
While the place was quiet, we sat across from each other eating then she said to me very sweetly "You don't have to worry about us, I know you are trying to care over us as Derek did but we will be alright as it is. We will be very sad of course but we will be alright too." I burst into tears so caught off guard by her saying this to me as I explained "I just want to bring him back to life in every way I can! I want to honor his Christmas spirit!"
Mom smiled saying "You have given us such good things this Christmas, and I know he would be proud of you for being there for us. It's okay to let it be as it will be." I was in awe of her saying all of this, for I had needed to hear it, for I can't bring him back to life as I was trying, hoping to see his shadow, his spirit and his smile again....but really I wanted him to nod his head saying "That's good, That's what I wanted for everyone."
I was in the present in that place with my mother. The ghost of Christmas present gave me a thumbs up from the restaurant window in that very moment. He winked at me as he boomed around happily.
My mother reassured me that evening, I realized how I needed to surrender. I needed to stop chasing Derek's style of celebrating the holidays, stop trying to make it all so perfect. Because it wasn't, it would always hurt like hell, be so wrong and not right, truly not possible to be perfect...not ever. I surrendered. My mother said "It's alright, You don't have to buy everything that Derek would of bought, we'll survive, we'll get through it." I let my tears dripping off my face, my silent crying as become a way of life for me now. So I said back "Thank you for saying that, I have been so worried about how painful this first Christmas will be...I was trying to lessen that in some way but now I realize that I can't."
The ghost of Christmas present has his mind filled with the Here and Now. He always winks at me with 2 thumbs up and with a hearty good laugh.
He tells me in my painful grief to go out into the world and do good!
And I am made stronger for it, I am able singing louder and dancing longer, being silly, being joyful and always staying clever! The Ghost of Christmas present encourages it! He brings out the best in me!
I could live happily ever after with the Ghost of Christmas Present! For there is much do and much to give, much to share and much to be thankful for in the here and now.
The sun was shinning brightly on Christmas day 2017 and the neighbor kids were building a snow man right across the street. I felt so happy to watch them be so silly, as I drank my cup of coffee from the bay window, I felt like the ghost of Christmas future is reminding me of how to be prepared and to stay focused.
This ghost who doesn't scare me at all, The Ghost of Christmas future is neither gender, nor emotional instead it's calm. It's a peaceful wisdom that comes to me very clearly, straight forward in pure strength. It stands strong for me. And I am at peace when I see it sit down with me.
I whisper to it "And so here you are, to remind me not to be afraid of my own death. How many more Christmases shall we sit like this wiser and older for it all? How many more times will my heart break? I know you shadow me through out the year, I know you know that I am not afraid of the future, I just don't want to face it without Derek, I never thought I would have to."
I sip my coffee, because the ghost of Christmas future never speaks. There are no words worthy enough to explain it all.
I sat in the sunny light of warmth as Christmas moves forward I sat there missing my ghost from the past and my playful ghost of the present as now this ghost for the future holds my hand while it turns into wrinkles I still sip on my coffee. I was born already knowing my time is short, my holiday celebrations can't last forever therefore I will never take them for granted, I will keep Christmas always, I will celebrate the season of generosity for the rest of my life!
The ghost of the past is there to always give out a hug, the ghost of the present is giving out high-fives, and the ghost of our future is always out there, advising and advocating.
As that morning sun shines moves I sit drinking my coffee on the first Christmas day without my brother Derek to share in it. I felt as if we were those kids across the street making a snowman once again.....and I smile to myself.
Derek yells out "No face! Only hit the body!' I reply back "Well duh! I'm the one wearing eye glasses, don't break them!" the snow balls flew as the laughter was real on Christmas day in the morning.
I cry on in little or big ways for the Holidays will always be so important to me.
I hug on to every single day of the year because there is no time like the present to share such love!
I smile steadily in facing the future because I carry these 3 spirits within me. They are now my well known friends.
Always.
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