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Wednesday, May 24, 2017


It's the first thing we ever do the moment we are born.

We cry, we can't form words of our we make the first kind of noise to pronounce that we are now alive on this earth.
It's not laughter, it's not a speech or a satire comedy skit of our new life performance, no it's crying.
For the moment we are born yet not aware of our surroundings, completely dependent upon the one who gave birth to us, we cry.
We are born crying in our way of communication, so why as we grow older we grow uncomfortable with crying? Are we putting expectations on ourselves to not NEED anyone else anymore? Are we embarrassed to feel like a baby again? Is it our own thoughts or is it society that makes us all try not to cry in response to being alive?

I have learned lately to just simply say "I am sorry to make you feel uncomfortable...but I am crying now."
I understand in myself this can not be held back, nor would I want to hide it.
So if the people around me say that they are uncomfortable by my crying I simply walk away from them in respect. Life is way to short to be around anyone who isn't kind or compassionate.

Crying is like breathing for me, it always has been this way since I was born, as happy and playful as I was as a kid I also understood sadness and loss. 
AND I hated goodbyes with family. 
My mother would explain to those around us back when I was little girl "Debby cries over everything.....", she would get so annoyed at me for being so dramatic in my fear of never seeing my cousins again, I really did hate goodbyes.

I guess as a teenager I used crying over a sad movie to help me deal with my hormones and stress in growing up.

So it hit me that other day as I walked the park that I will cry for the rest of my life now. I rather thought one day I won't cry anymore but that's not's impossible actually for me to arrive to a place in my life where I have no tears, I will miss all those who have died in my life as I live it's impossible to not cry for long.
I had this thought in the park and it gave me such peace of mind!
"I was born crying and now I will die crying....and that is quite alright with me."

For the truths in living are real like that of pain and suffering, fear and guilt, shame and regret, stress and panic, anger and sickness, injustices and destruction....simply put it comes down to feeling totally helpless while being alive. 
We cover all the truths in life with distractions and goals to reach for each day to help us find peace and love again along the way. 

I think that with Hope we stay alive through the really shitty times, we see the need in others around us in order to not just give up, to not just lay down and cry ourselves to death. 
We have to have a reason through all these truths of being alive in order to live on in awe, and in true wonder of the world!

Like a marble from the movie "Inside Out." our emotions help us be the best we can be, they give us such depth to ourselves.

Now I understand that I will cry every single day for the rest of my life, and I am completely okay with that because I can FEEL such amazing awe in being alive and notice what happiness is even better when the day comes along that is so lovely after all these truths and after all of this sadness.

My brother Derek grinned at me saying "Oh come on Uncle Tony, don't ya want a sticky hug from your nephew?" Just as my husband leaned back in horror from our sister's messy kid as Derek and I laughed together. My Family dinners were often very much like that, lots of noisy kids and birthday cake that our mom had baked. While our father talked about the dramas at his work or the stupidity of politics. Sometimes Derek and I chimed in or support each other's view....
Looking back it was usually a lively family time as we sat around the stretch out kitchen table late into the evenings back in those days.....feels like it was just yesterday.

My brother Derek stood crying while listening to the doctor tell us all in the ICU that if our mother stayed like this she would simply die, so brain surgery could save her. It was in this very sad moment I notice that my brother cried in a calm strong way, while each of us older siblings put our arms around the younger sibling the 6 of us paired up and held on tightly to this news, it was like we all had this rush of tears at the very same time. 

My brother Derek was displayed so gently at the front of the funeral home that when I saw him, I wasn't so afraid anymore, I let everything go that was held up inside of me and I silently walked up to him deeply wanting to hug him and wake him up from death saying "Hey there Bro, Oh My sweet sweet mountain man!" Instead crying was the best way to let go of everything I wanted to say to him, crying was the best feeling when hugged or when standing beside my other family members in support on the saddest day of our lives. 

and now Crying is what helps me heal from such pain in this huge loss in my life, and I will never be able to change or fix this story back to a happy ending, so I get it now.......I completely understand and get it, I accept it most importantly, this is me in my honest tears.
For I was born crying and practice all through my life to stand beside my brother's coffin with my 3 other brothers leaning into me as I sadly said "I have all 4 of my brothers here in my arms one last time, for the last time."

I simply let the tears fall like rain, and let myself never be the same.........................

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