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Saturday, May 6, 2017


          It's a family trait, a family biological gift to have strong lungs from birth in crying to shouting over a huge family dinning room table for any ol' political discussion. From yelling out that dinner is ready and to commanding everyone to leave. I have seen many of my family members produce a strong volume level as I grew up among the many noisy kids. I liked my big loud family, they said what they meant and meant what they said. Who I am today comes from their influences and honesty. I am straight forward, honest with strong lungs. I will never be afraid of conflict because I was forced to face such scary and difficult situations growing up, I avoided conflict as a teenager/young adult until I realized that avoidance doesn't help change the way things are.

I have been using that same mindset while being so angry that my brother has died. I want to speak up and change it, "NO! I said NO and I MEAN IT."   My no has always stood strong and firm, always. (Ask any kid who spent the day walking around downtown with me, ask my husband he always laughs when I just say "Nope." with no other explanation. He replies with amusement knowing me so well explaining "That means you will not compromise and if you have explain why then I'm not very smart.")  

I have always felt that being straight forward is better then hiding or living in an older adult it gives me such strength and peace of mind to not be misunderstood, to not be caught up in silly dramas and to simply enjoy life right now.

I have been thinking a lot about my past all the different adults, all the different situations for what they shared about their lives. I learned a great deal from my own parents but I also learned from their parents and many siblings. I am grateful for the life lessons so early in my life, I am in awe over how vital each person was to me.

I can still be uniquely me while carrying their love with me, I can be apart of my husband's life and his own family with all this history in me from my own people. I like feeling like family with whoever I am with! I like being there in support, in connection and in stability. Because we have no control of the future, we have no control over our families to love each other just as we are is the best feeling I have ever experienced. Now this doesn't mean that you are stuck with those around you, who may or may not respect you. It doesn't mean that they have to agree with you. It means that you understand now time will always run out and come to a final end....So why not make what we have be the best it can be until it's gone?...right now is all we actually have....
Because when it ends as it did with my brother Derek, then the best memories will and can win out!

I can still protest, and still raise my voice to roar back against the ocean waves of time, face death in resentment and rage.
I can still be mad, be annoyed that this has all happened to my family and I..... (For It hurts like hell)
I can feel through all the levels of this great grief and circle back around to shouting out again "NO, NO, NO, Do you hear me God? I said NO."
For I still meant it with ALL of my heart, if God was a person I would have no problem in saying this to his face. 
I would have no fear of him, I know my brother's death was wrong to do if God is in control at all.
 I am an honest and real person who will not waste time in conversation or in conflict. I would get to the point with God!

And in my rage I find that I am not afraid of God if he is real, if he gets to bully on like this I will still get in his face, in all his golden glory or while he's wearing his crown I would still point my finger at him and say "NO." just like my father did to me when I was misbehaving.
I am not afraid of anger, I am not afraid to scream at the top of my lungs and hit the ground. I am not afraid to fight back and to protect those I love....even though God gets the last say for everything, if he is even paying attention or really in charge....I know how I think and feel, and I own it completely, this is me.
My rage should never hurt another soul, my words should never be mean as I feel like going to battle to bring my brother back!
My frustration and irritation is a very real thing, I hope I can curb it as I get through this.
I hope I can see the peaceful utopia out there, I hope I can help better the world not destroy it with my heated strength and roaring set of lungs.

This is real for me, this is painful no matter what day it is. Sadness mixed with helpless gratefulness, Anger mixed with hurtful awareness, Panic mixed with the need to protect against the fearful future. And most importantly a sense of self changing no bullshit, just stay real and stay focus because time is always running out. It will never be fair, never to be right that death comes to our end. That death hurts those we love. We can roar on against it, try to be smart enough to avoid it and keep our arms open for those who have to still live through it.......I have no new answers now after Derek is gone, I only have my emotions and my thoughts in that I will miss him all the rest of my life!
 I want it on record, I want it to be known how I said NO to this event. 
How I raged against the dying of the light, How I roared like the lion I feel inside in my protest against his sudden death, I want it on record this is my strong set of lungs against the truth of such sadness in still being alive.

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