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Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Running Wild

                 It was a few days before my brother's sudden death, it was like another life time ago but lately I have been remembering it better.....I was very focused on my husband's stressful bar exam, making sure he had good sleep and nutrition, staying his cheerleader and encouragement while handling everything else back at home. He didn't have to worry about anything else just enjoying his evenings home before going back. I liked staying organized, I liked walking each dog at the park and brushing out each cat with their medicines and cozy clean bedding.  All the cooking and dancing to the music in our perfect home.....Running around to the gas station, store, bank and pet food store kept me on top of my list of responsibilities.

And then I had a dream......

It was cold in my dream, it was strangely familiar the person I was talking to knew me very well but I didn't know him or her I felt like there was no distinction to this tall figure in my dream covered in layers of fabric like a robe with all these layers and dream was so cloudy as if a bad storm was waiting above us as we walked through my veggies garden. He said to me "You understand what magic is, you understand what is important in this life time. You shouldn't worry about those who don't get it. You will face the storm stronger for knowing you were right about magic it is every where and you see it!" my heart was racing in the awe of this dream and I felt truly happy. I felt like nothing was wrong with the world....that I didn't have to save anyone anymore! 
I felt purely happy with this tall mysterious being as his arms felt like a woman's arms soft and beautiful for we walked to the front of my home so happy by the real sparkling specks of magic twinkle all around us. I smiled and said "I can see it even more clearly right now! How wonderful! Without magic nothing would exist, nothing could hold all of this together....could it???" My steps up to my patio were moving in many different colors and hidden flower patterns I was truly delighted!

Then as this tall feminine man stood right beside me facing out over my front yard herb garden shadowed by the storm clouds above us while everything sparkled a rush of cold cold wind blew in my face and I was instantly afraid as a herd of wild horses ran by, they ran right down the street in front of us and I screamed out "NO! Stop! They'll get hit by all the cars out there!" my fear had returned to needing to save them, then sun light burst out on them as they ran into the air disappearing before they could reach the street ahead and I felt suddenly aware "HEY! I know those horses! I have seen them before in my dream back visiting Benny! Those are the same horses running in the mesa above us! How did they get HERE in town????" The wise tall person who had been walking with me shared "They are YOUR horses, they have come to help you in this storm." I felt so happy and proud to recognize them and to see them again! 
"MY horses?? I have horses?? How wonderful! I love them so much! They should stay out in the wild though, where it's safer for them." I smiled so big standing there looking at the front of my home where this very tall person was waiting for me, the shadow of the clouds above me suddenly released the rain fall.  I just stood there with my arms wide open! Then I was getting cold so I reach for my sweater just as I realized something about this whole event I said very clearly to the figure beside me "Something very bad is going happen isn't it? That's why these horses have come into town to be with me? and why you have come to tell me to always remember that magic is real? Something very very bad is about to happen isn't it?" I felt deflated and not as happy as before.... He proudly said to me "Yes, good job and now you know. Benny can't be here for you only the horses can." 
I step into my herb garden feeling completely helpless once again saying "No, I don't want this storm here anymore! Where did the sunshine go???" Just as the thunder burst out and a flash of lightening crashed right over my house as I looked up from the garden in true fear... then I woke up into real time and real life saying out loud to myself "MY Horses!"
so I got up to drink water and let my dog out and my cat in, just like every night at 3am, (my pets all have their own routines of course.) The dream stayed with me as I sat there waiting for my dog to come back inside,  I was feeling happy, despite the fearful storm I was impressed I had wild horses in my dreams again! I really did feel very safe in my real time once again.

Of course looking back I had no idea how important that dream would be in the days ahead!
I had no idea how bad the storm truly was!
I had no idea how deeply sad I was about to get.....
....for the wind that these horses created said "you can't stop time, you can't change fate." It's in my face cold and strong moving forward not backwards!
     They reminded me of being strong in the storm, for within the seconds as I was told that my brother Derek had died, I fell to the floor weaker then I ever knew was possible, 
I screamed out my sudden pain to the very beat of their hooves against the street, to the wild wind they left behind!

I realized in that dream my horses had come for me, warning me, helping me by carrying away some of this great pain!

How magical that I know them, that I recognized them from another dream I had in the past!
 For they knew exactly what they were doing as they ran right by my home, with storm clouds circling all around us!

I can picture them waiting for me to join them on the mesa to run wild and free once again maybe even be very happy all together like that?............................perhaps one day.

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