From the moment I woke up to the very second before I fell asleep my radio was never off through out all those years of having my own bedroom. I knew every oldie, every country music song...especially if I needed a good cry I found a sad song right away to help me release my emotional battles (Some things never change in me) The radio played always in my life from 17 years old to whenever I moved out.....my sister also gave herself away by what music she listened to in the next room. I liked knowing her moods by her music choices right away. Tucked away into my own room of rescue I found musicto teach me about the big ol' world out there! I was able to dance away my abounding energies and face my fears. When I first captured "the Age of Aquarius " I was transformed into the sky, flowing over the beautiful lakes and rivers! I could relating to the dawning of my own coming of age stories and I truly lost myself in singing this song feeling so connected to something bigger then myself! This new idea of real HOPE for my future!
My mother made me be the driver again of the car as we were heading into town "I am not so sure...." I responded while Mom settled into her passenger side with her huge icey cherry coke explaining to me "Since Dana isn't here anymore, you need to start driving more, it would be good practice for ya." I took a deep breath outside looking up at the huge cottonwood trees surrounding the farm before getting into the car with a quick prayer that I don't kill us. It was going to be a good hour's drive into the big city of Boise, my baby brothers had all their toys or bottles at the ready for any loud impatient behavior they might display. Then while the radio played and I relaxed a bit driving the car out onto the main freeway, I began to let the music fill my lungs as I drove on thinking how nice it is to think of something other then driving just as my mom suddenly turn the car radio off cutting me off in mid thought! "Why did you do that?!?" I asked as the silence filled the moving vehical Mom snorted "You were starting singing along and YOU didn't even know it!!! SEE that is how they will get you!" I felt myself growing annoyed at my mother's usual regular sermons that broke out of her at random all through my teenaged years! Especially on topic "They will get you" This meant to her that THEY being the evil ones or Satan himself seeking to ruin us the good christian people that we are into tricking us to like the "worldly pleasures" out there then as a result we turn from God and start serving Evil or pleasing our selves over God. This was an old recited sermon from my mother making being around her unbearable at times! I got upset driving on into the long day at the mall shopping as it was her main hobby, my helpful ways in changing diapers or pushing the stroller allowed her time to dig down into all the sales racks. Yet here she went again turning off the radio during one of my favorite songs. "THAT was not very nice! I was listening to the radio!" Mom smirked with a nod explaining "You were being deceived and didn't even realize it! THAT is how Satan works!" I snorted "I know, I know, Satan is slipping through the radio or the TV always trying to get us to turn from God....." I rolled my eyes at this was such an old topic or passion of my mother's to preach about. I pouted instead in the silence that I usually would be listening to the radio my mother went out in her very self-righteous points of view as if I simply didn't get it. I mimicked her word for word common speech in my silence as I drove on squeezing the steering wheel of our car. Finally I retorted back in a challenge "Didn't GOD make the universe? sooooo wouldn't HE be the one actually lining the stars and the planets in a row for the dawning of the age?!? Couldn't you think of the song like THAT?" Mom's eyes grew wide in alarm as they so often did when I questioned her, she usually would speak up faster and never allow me time to retort or ask any more questions after that wide eyed worried look she would shot me then withdraw into her reciting bible verses and long history lesson about what God says to such crazy questions. I waited wondering if she ever once wanted to give up and say "God only knows....I sure don't!" Instead I was left longing to turn back on the radio to interup her endless sermon. Mom continued on and on explaining to me "You were starting to know the words to that new age song, Satan was creeping in to fool you into thinking it was a lovely hopeful song when clearly the song is saying the Cosmo moves without honor to God. You can't put God into the song when it is so clearly NOT there! Where ever God is not mentioned then Satan IS there winning over the song's message! Listen to me Debby, I think you just want to believe the whole world is good and right and lovely when nothing can be so far from the truth...without God, without Jesus then there is no hope or joy in the messages of these song lyrics!" I was happy to see the mall parking lot after all I noticed as we arrived and Mom began to calm down after my simple question. Then she explained why thsi whole thing had unfolded in the car...."Okay so I turned off the radio because I have always hated that song! Even back when it was picked for my high school graduation ceremony it makes my skin crawls with Satan using it against God. On the day I graduated from high school this song played for us and I kept praying God would forgive us for it! Then I knew God knew my heart even though I couldn't stop it's message from getting out! So naturally I was shocked YOU were singing it after all these years it still haunts me! I turned off the radio to stop Satan in his tracks!" Mom looked so proud now. I perked back up at Mom's sudden flash back story, as I excitedly was learning something new about her. I asked very carefully "What? you think THIS song is demon possessed? Yet when you graduated didn't you stop to think of your new life ahead? The song promises a new age like turning the page in a book it's just story of change." Mom flopped back into her seat with a snort and a big frown shaking her head replying back "I'm so worried about you! You don't know what you are saying! You are making excuses so that you can still listen to it without feeling ashamed that God isn't honored in it and that maybe I am right, as your mother it's my job to keep you from hell's eternal fire! but you have to realize that I am right about avoiding places Satan dwells and those are hidden places EVERY where!" I suddenly took a deep breath facing the Boise Town square mall as we all got out of the car, I knew that she didn't get what I was asking her. A simple song held such fear for her but I wondered if I could make an argument that Satan hung out at the mall to shorten the day and get back home to my own beloved radio? I remember thinking to myself against the sun light pushing the stroller behind my leading mother in through the dark doors of the long building "I want to believe in the good, I want to be in the age of Aquarius....maybe one day"
There is a continuing cycle in life called "Family", where we become a part of a group either by choice or from birth. And most importantly understanding it WILL change, there is no such Family is a "one size fits all" situation. Certain family members hold together all the relationships, then most often when that one single soul is gone everyone leaves the family structure for something more of their own style. It happens all the time, the cycling of families, the changes, the new and old members coming and going. Family is an AMAZING concept to me it is even more enjoyable to have such family who actually cares about you and want to be around you. My Father-in-law Kelly has been a very caring parent in my life from the first date I went on with his oldest son. He just carried himself in that guiding father way, changing my car tire, looking under the hood and putting up a safety door lock to my new apartment. Helping me move stuff, while making sure I always had something to eat. I never had a Dad who would just call me up to chit chat about nothing and everything, so as I grew into my 20's Kelly became the most amazing Parent I have EVER known. Family will change, adapt and move on into the future I am truly grateful for his example in what it means to be an unconditional loving parent.
Having such good friendships in the family structure makes going through hard times much easier from the love and support of healing in the "Safe Zone" called Home.
When Dad turned 50 in 2010 we all went on a a week long wine trip family vacation, my husband turned 30 in the same week. So the birthday boys had such a good time celebrating together! The nights were full of new restaurants, playing board games and drinking newly purchased wines. We all road tripped out to California, Dad with his lovely beautiful wife Teresa, and the 4 of us "Kids" His sons and their wives.....we were always referred to as "The kids" which always made me giggle. It was cute to be consider a kid when you reach 30 years old....THAT is why families are rich history and feel often timeless. The age of family, getting together every week and sharing in new drink ideas or new food recipes, telling funny stories and dog sitting for each other. Meeting up to see a movie or just drink coffee, going to the farmer's market or watching a play together. Being family is like having an always available friend ready to join you in BBQ afternoons or testing out a new family game! When all 6 of us went on this big vacation I realized these situations were a bit more stressful on some of us in the end. Some people have a desire for more "family time" when others clearly do not. It was a good experience to learn these kind of life lessons. To not take it personal, to understand family is always adjusting and changing over time.....Everyone goes through cycles of time in their own personal life, then sometimes choosing not to even be family anymore. I explained to my very upset Husband as he realized what he wanted this trip to be like was not unfolding so easily.
"What I have noticed about this trip is how we are a better family when we only meet up for happy hour during the week instead of spending the whole week together." I smiled and shrugged thinking even with all the disagreements or problems unfolding on this vacation, it was still nothing like my own family who would NEVER even take a road trip together to begin with! My husband chuckled shaking his head "I guess we are all trying to figure out what family looks like when you get older." The age of family, the stage of time will change everyone once they live through such events together. Family is the light house that brings us all back together through any storm. When we discover it's true value, when we don't take it for granted, our time getting in out of all these "storms in life" along with a good glass of wine makes being a family one of a kind age in our lives!
When I think about the first year of my life when wine took off, when I decided to learn all about it and capture it's depth was on our first big family vacation. Mom and Roy had discovered wine tasting and the wine country in California to be a wondrous place! So in the summer of 2004 we all traveled together, Mom and her 2 young adult boys. Being apart of the other 3 "significant others" I delighted in watching the brothers joke around and their Mother shine from such a fun friendship among them! Now I look back in awe of how we were all so young and didn't actually realize it yet.... It was also my
first time in a professional wine tasting, touring the vineyards and
cellars. Getting to even taste right out of a barrel directly, truly ALL was so
fascinating!
Mom
was so proud of her clever charming husband as Roy was the kind of guy who could talk to anyone, make
friends so easily and had all of us grouped together for the V.I.P.
treatment in going behind the scenes from the usual public in to seeing inside oak barrels and fermentation systems. I can see remember his big grin as Roy burst out saying to the group of us standing by the grape vines outside "Okay! It's all
set! In an hour my friend will takes us to watch them bottle the wine up!" I was so truly excited from all I had learned on this trip that seeing all
these steps for the very first time was quite magical if not a bit sad
that my own family farm hadn't gotten into the wine making buzz back in
the day, Ooooooh what a different childhood I would of had for sure if wine had been served so easily, just as Jesus had made readily available in the bible stories this very same kind of wine. It would of saved souls much faster I think! So on that summer afternoon I sat happily imagining how all my family relationships could of been a bit more delightful by just adding a glass of wine...maybe?
All those vineyards had such history and rich stories that I
loved every single moment of this family vacation. Even when my husband
Tony got into those heated arguments with his brother's girlfriend Taryn. Or
when Mom would say we had to be up in the morning and out the door by
8am. The over all ways I liked learning how to travel with someone else,
delighting in the high energy activities and many many stories we all shared!
As I entered the clothing shop with my freshly bought mocha in hand I over heard Roy telling a crazy story to his new step-sons, Tony and Dusty. "SO, there I was, my beer in one hand and my dick in another." I choked on my coffee drink not sure where this story had gone but my laughter caught me off guard and tears filled my eyes from laughing so hard! While Dusty exclaimed "You know it's going to be a GREAT story when it starts off like THAT!" and we all laughed together in that beautiful state of California on the refreshing summer's morning air!
When I first discovered how nice Irish Pubs were, peaceful, dark and rich in history where I could order a red ale or a Guinness without any doubt that the beer would taste good I was 25 years old. I walked in saying "WOW! I feel like I just stepped back in time! AWESOME!" My husband Tony rolled his eyes and replied "Oh now you are sold on coming back then." I laughed nodding my head in excitement. We noticed another nice thing while being in an Irish pub the music wasn't so loud or so distracting from real depth in conversations. (Also while in Las Vegas those Irish pubs we could find were my saving grace in relaxing.) The menu items, the background music and the over all feeling of delight while kicking back is what I am always looking for in a new place, the age of Irish pubs were some of the most fun in meeting new people along the bar stools or getting into a card game while dropping "Irish car bombs" and laughing so much! Back in being 25 I found myself remembering all those weekends meeting up downtown at the Ha Penny, our local Irish pub here in Boise Idaho. It as our main hangout for several years back then..... Tony was laughing so hard almost falling off his stool then waved at me from across the crowded place. It was St.Patty's day or evening now as I just chuckled and shook my head, we had arrived a little before noon to get a big table which was full now with many different friends and family. The craziness, the noise and the glitter of all things green made me feel like I was seeing a rare view of an "Irish pub". The quietness, the calmness, the good quality of foods with old familiar songs playing in the background was gone on this national holiday. When Tony sat next to his Dad laughing and cheering on more drinks and chips while his brother worked hard as the main bartender the whole place took on a life force all it's own I stood back drinking my Guinness grateful to be in my own thoughts. I had stepped outside for some fresh air then decided the hour wait for the restroom would be considered perfect time by the time i was done drinking my pint. My husband had young beautiful ladies surrounding him that his mother's husband Roy had met, they all waved at me once again as Tony yelled out "HEY! Hey Debby they want to buy us a drink! it's that so nice of them?" The Ladies raised their cups over at me uncertainly I waved back and smiled simply shaking my head. I will always enjoy such big parties, with crazy drunk people, for I simply sit back and watch over all that unfolds. When I was 25 years old I was also 50 pounds heavier then I am now so drinking a dark rich yummy beer like Guinness took awhile to set in. When I finally made it back to the big table of our holiday party that night the lady sitting on my husband lap jumped up startled as Tony grinned big and proud at me. I knew he was saying "SEE, I still got it." I just smirked and rolled my eyes back as it really wasn't a big deal to me, I chatted with this lady very naturally and nice, for in such a crazy crowded place like this on St. Patrick's day it was bound to have a few funny stories or clever moments. I was really happy to of discovered these classic styled pubs for a night out on the town, even though there is no crowd quite like on St. Patty's day in a pub! (So if once a year on the day to dressed in green I would have to carry my hubby home on my back in my bare feet then so be it, I didn't mind at all) It was an age of our youth, of our adventures and of all my yummy glasses of Guinness!
It was at a time of change, those first years of 2000. I was living in such a romantic rose colored world that I often find such gratefulness in my heart for that glowing sun light of all my great memories looking back now! While being young isn't always an easy thing to live through and I knew even for my age back then that I was much older in my mind's eye. Perhaps this is why I can look back in such delight and with such grace for all those good stories! My life lessons and my soul's journey was grateful to find a radio station that wasn't like any other out there in the world at the time, for such news programs were loud and crazy. Then the ever so classy and calm NPR found my happy heart! I liked listening to the news without receiving a head ache afterwords or reacting in such a stressed out way by all the stupid peoples! I was 24 or 25 thinking how much I LOVED my radio over my TV at the time and how important waking up to feed my brain was! Those were the days my friend that I thought would never end, yet now a decade later I have everything on podcast or Pandora in order to listen and learn....my radio is now a very different thing all together, I sigh of course neither able to keep it all the same forever such is how time works.....I guess.
The morning sunlight caught my waking eyes and I rolled out bed wondering if I over slept or not? If I had not then 9am was the perfect hour to get my Saturday morning programs going! My radio as tucked into my bookshelf by the kitchen as I flipped it on and begun boiling water for my coffee's french press system. I opened the sliding glass door to summer's fresh air as I whisked up flour and eggs for those fluffy buttermilk pancakes, bacon was already smoking in the oven and the sound of NPR filled my condo with first 9am's Car talk. I enjoyed those 2 clever humorous brothers and their years of fixing, of knowing about each and every car. Their callers were always battling auto body shops in hopes to save a buck. I would have coffee made, breakfast set up and a fresh fruit cup set aside for my slowly waking up husband before this first hour's radio program even ended. It was a picture perfect way of life listening to that radio!
I knew what time it was every Saturday morning just from which program was airing over the radio in the background. 9am Car Talk (was a hit or miss with me if I overslept,) then 10am "Dr. Zorba Paster on your health", 11am "Calling all pets", Noon "Wait, wait don't tell me", 1pm "This American Life", 2pm "The Splendid Table", 3pm "World NEWS" I loved those early days of being newly married, laughing, discussing, chatting through each and every show over a couple pots of coffee with both of us home from work, feeling carefree and delighting in every second of our lazy weekends! I only needed an hour to clean through our tiny home, then I would sit back listening to the radio more focused, while painting or knitting against the bright warm sun light.
I may of not liked being all that young but I DID like the age of my radio, with all those lovely romantic mornings sharing in such new wonders that I could listen to!
I sat thinking, I sat looking out the airplane window to world below of such beauty. I like that place, the thinking place inside our heads. I was flying up to Spokane Washington to see some family. I like traveling, I like thinking about all kinds of new things in which traveling creates!
It reminds me of that very first time I sat thinking as small child with dirt worms and rolly pollies in my hand. I sat thinking as the water in the gutter on the side of the road moved on with cigarette butts and leaves in it. I sat thinking for a moment outside next to my gray small house in the trailer park. I asked myself "Why are there bugs like this in the ground before me?" as the rolly pollies curled up harmlessly in the center of my hand....I had begun, woken up in my age of thought!
Then I remembered how I grew up shadowing my older cousin Trina whose animal care and dirt handling ways opened up a whole new level into those same thoughts, she was always eager to explore and help explain life to me.
On that fall evening it glowed in purple and pink as the sun setting hours were upon us, Trina opened up a seed pod mixed in with muddy dirt and pieces of grass on our long walk out into the valley below our Grandparents home. She exclaimed "Look! quick Dee! LOOK! before they all blow away!" I was almost 10 years old, I remember this because being 10 was such a grown up age I didn't like saying "I'm 9" anymore. I quickly moved in leaning against her shoulder as the wind shot past us taking those feathery seeds out of the open pod that we had just found on our nature walk. "WOW!" I exclaimed as we both smiled in that moment as they moved all around us like pixie dust! Trina beamed proudly stating "...and that's how they keep on growing!" I stood with my suit case in hand, moving along in long lines is another part of traveling I enjoy also. The awareness of all my items on me, of all my senses alert and sharp! Then I calmly enjoy people watching all around, smiling and nodding in small talk or simply thinking to myself, of how wonderful is my life that I could be able to travel? I love that place, where thinking takes me to the core center of myself. Much like a secret garden, a wonderful place of peace and joy that I sometimes wish to stay there a bit longer, before I have to come back to the living and handle the next event.
I don't ever want to out grow the age of thought! I hope I can keep it with me when I am 80 or 90. It's often misunderstood that with old age comes forgetfulness but I understand now how that is all about how you eat, sleep and live as a "youngster". If we all enjoyed our own thoughts then maybe we will never ever forget a single second of our lives?
I am going to be 35 in a couple of weeks, rather mid-way to the 40 I'm setting my sights to being! I like this decade but so far WAY to much has happened I would like to be bored, to be lost in my own thinking for awhile again. It is not easy to reach a place of such delight only to be forced into the real world. I am grateful for all 35 years, I wish I could have been much older before going through some of these trails and tribulations though..... YET I still like opening up a seed pod while the breeze magically takes them away, I will always like this kind of thing no matter where I am or how old I can get..... for all the sad stories, for all the happy laughter and good memories I carry within me, THINKING about it all takes me into that beautiful place of wondering over our cycle of life!
When I was living in my own apartment with a couple of roommates we had a party every night or more like a gathering of friends coming and going ALL the time. If I got home from a hard day's work it was normal to hear loud laughter from the patio, sometimes I would simply put on my pj's and stay in my bedroom to read while those party noises or loud music filled the rest of my place. It wasn't an out of control raging party, just basically something was happening, loud with conversation even a few people sleeping on our many couches. I liked having company so much even when I working full time and beat up by over time, this lively home was still very comforting to me in comparison to back when I first moved in all alone. Because in that first month on my own I had to face my lonely fears, I had to pay attention to the voices of doubt in my head! Being raised to think the world is a horrible place made time on my own a bit crazy for me at first.... Getting a couple of roommates made my big wide open apartment come alive! Although I knew I couldn't live forever that way, those 2 and half years were FULL of parties, with youthful adventures, discussions and future dreaming!
Alantis Morrsette was playing in the CD player loudily as I was pulling out a baking sheet of my homemdae chocolate chip cookies from the oven, Holly was on her way outside to smoke just so we high-fived each other in passing while singing together "...Got one hand in my pocket and the other's giving a high-five." The patio outside next to the kitchen was full of friends already drinking and eating, everyone begged me for a batch of cookies so naturally I went to work in creating a cozy smelling home. Holly had just got home from work to the usual party group hanging out. Our other roomie Sarah was chilling in a lawn chair next to Jon, Dan and Liz. The main topic among us all was this new "war on terrorism" idea. (I stood my ground against it from the start, sometimes I felt alone on speaking out but that's another blog topic later on of course) With a platter of chocolate chip cookies more of our girlfriends began showing up until there were 7 passionate feminists passing around the bong on the patio. I enjoyed all of these opinions, stories and connections to how we can create a better world for the respect of women. Then one girl challenged me asking "Why did you bake cookies for company? Are you suffering from brain washing that women SERVE others?" I wasn't smoking with the group so I kept this confrontation in mind that I simply liked chocolate chip cookies on my day off. As this group pounced on me for all my homemaking skills and mind set to be so "mothering" I replied back carefully "Taking pride in a clean home, caring for those who come into it and baking cookies has nothing to do with my being a female. It has to do with my desire for a good comforting home life, because I can NOT control anything out there in this crazy world, yet I can control my own home environment by my choice to cook or clean I am not a servant or slave." These girls were impressed I wasn't offended or insecure about who I am, so talks like this happened all the time. One of the last nights we girls were all together I accidentally said to much, looking back now I understand of course! The girls drinking game was on a roll as I set the table with salad and pasta laughing at these same 7 ladies in my living room being so silly. Then the talk of all of them having slept with a mutual guy friend came up, it was horrible reviews. I had met this guy once and snapped at him for being gross and arrogant. He never approach me again, and one day I angrily asked him to leave my home after he used my roommate. She was grateful I was brave enough to get in his face making sure he was out of our home for good, now with all these girls gathering for dinner I sat down chuckling in remembering such a jerk as him. The girls liked how each other had the same experience and wish they never had sex with him, I listened and enjoyed my dinner with them. It was only when they all turned to me saying "Debby is the ONLY one at this table he didn't trick into sleeping with him! Why is that?" I threw my head back in such hearty laughter now just as another girlfriend said "So you need to sleep with him in order to be in our club." I was still chuckling and smiling as I felt so amused by this fact. "With y'all giving him 1 star rantings I think I will gratefully decline that idea! I knew he was a true asshole the moment he spoke, because my church was FULL of guys like him growing up! hahaha and that is one club I don't need to be made a fool for! hahahahaha" This was when I realized all 7 ladies were glaring at me in resentment. I quickly rose to clear the dishes still acting carefree and happy thinking maybe I was being a real bitch to them for saying such things out loud. That is just the risk in being real, open and honest at all those parties I guess!
The girls and I worked together very nicely, sometimes under stress we
would snap but never took it to heart against each other. The week in June of
2009 when we all three had the days off I decided a girls trip was a
must! We shot out of Boise Idaho at 8am with suit cases and coffees,
arriving in Portland Oregon way to early after all our conversations and
stopping points for pictures! Girls really do just wanna have FUN! My friends and I also enjoyed such amazing food in cool restaurants
that were all around
Hotel 50 while staying in Portland. It was good to have 3 of us on this
quick 2 night trip in all our fun of sharing stories and different
points of view,
for I truly delighted in how dramatically different we all were while
still
remaining such good friends!
For Holly was also newly pregnant so this was a trip
against time when once she had her kid everything would change from all
our greenbelt walks and all our board game nights would
reasonably come to an end. Holly was also a liberal christian, which
paired very nicely with Catherine who was also a christian, although
she was very conservative. This made for such interesting discussions I enjoyed such a variety in our different ideas and topics! For I was the odd woman out completely but loved every minuet of being with my friends! For I was not a
christian at all, also I would not claim to be a Liberal or a Conservative, I was thinking about how I really should be independent....and so I would side
with the friend who made the most sense to me in our deep long talks, If we grew worn out from each other we simply would
step out for a walk by one's self to be refreshed again in being together. I
loved seeing Columbia Gorge that summer! It was ever so beautiful! The best part of this road trip was all the hiking and walking we did everywhere!The fact we were 3 very different woman made it all the more fun to share in our adventures! Being with my girlfriends in any situation I have always notice this soft sweet sensible way woman all are! (At least if they want to be) I don't think I will ever out grow my delight in being among women, especially those classy caring ladies whom I know! The rose garden was in full sun light, we sat in the shade under a tree after our walk across the big city. Catherine shared her water bottle with me as we watch Holly move around the garden taking pictures, she sighed so delighted to rest "Thanks for inviting me on this trip I'm really glad to be here! it's just so beautiful!" I nodded back "I'm so thankful you came! it's far better with us 3 I think....and look down there see that bridge out there THAT is where our hotel is and how far we walked today!" Catherine looked out covering her forehead to look out into the sloping roads below, she chuckled amused "Just don't tell Holly that's how far we have to walk back or she WILL call a cab!" We both burst out laughing together in understanding, as girls do!
"Why does Grandma hate you so much?" It's a question I have been asked for almost a decade now! I always chuckle and shake my head at such a funny question like this, for my grandma is a lady who is never happy, at least with me! Since she is the last of all my grandparents I feel that she has more to teach me in how to handle such grumpy negative people like her. I have (along with many other family members) found ways to be around her and not let her biting judgmental words hurt. When my husband first met her he asked me later on bewildered "Aren't Grandmas suppose to be NICE??? I never met someone like her before.....how scary!" There are many parts to my Grandma, who she is with family is NOT who she is in public or with her new friends I've noticed. I would like to see who she is when I am not around in hopes to see those good character traits, because she changes for each and every family member there are those she likes, those she favorites above all else and those she just tolerates. BUT for me unlike any other family member she personally hates me GREATLY. For many reasons and moments I can list in my behavior towards her through out the years like my saying "Try and be NICE Grandma." or "Stop complaining and just say THANK YOU." or one of my most favorite lines "You hate facebook because now your kids can be friends without your help." THAT comment of mine made her storm off in a pout! For I know she is thinking when she looks at me,"Oh that Debby thinks she is SOMETHING, but I'll show HER and not make eye contact or give her any of my attention now!" When this happens I become even more kind, sweet and overly close to her, it gets more under her skin then if I actually fought back. It's even funny or kinda sad to watch her act like a kid on a play ground trying to get her own way and not allow me to "play with" her. It nice when others notice this situation unfolding and ask me about it and why I am not at all choked up over her meanness, I've seen my Grandma play games all of her life with everyone and now it's my turn but unlike some who hope to ignore her when she is like this, I call her out on her shit and this is why she will forever ever hate me.............. ...OR maybe it was THIS story that unfolded back in 2007; The morning had been so beautiful! I drank my first cup of coffee in my lovely condo facing the mountains. I even sat the big vase of roses in the center of the living room. Feeling happy to have a day off work in the bright glorious sunlight! As my phone rang I race around to answer it "Oh, Hi Mom!" I said cheerfully as she replied in a very tight voice like she was under such pressure "Hi." I waited a moment in wondering why she sounded so alarmed if not really upset. She explained quickly with no usual small talk "Your Grandma is here RIGHT now." I chuckled as it all was making sense, Grandma Eva and my mother played more manipulation games then a presidential election! Mom continued "We are just arriving at the mall and Dana is with us too so come meet us at Sears I want the kids picture taken. Your Grandma needs to get her hair done too." I felt a slight dreaded feeling sneak up in me even though this mall Mom mention was 2 minuets from my condo I usually could walk over in 10 minuets so I agreed to show up after I showered while asking myself "Do I have enough energy for This?" Now it was a good hour later, after I showered and dressed that I found my family, Mom was on her cell phone while my 3 little brothers were wrestling on the floor squealing My sister and Grandma looked frustrated as I arrived with such a gust of new energy "Hi EVERYONE!" I swung out my arms in the center of Boise's mall hugging my brothers, waving at my mom and saying "Wow Grandma, your hair looks Amazing!" She half smiled as Dana gave me a warning look of all she had been through that morning. While my brothers hung on me asking to get ice cream cones or go somewhere else that was fun to them I just chuckled. Grandma spatted out at me "YOU are LATE. we have been here for a whole hour now." I nodded with smile "Didn't Mom tell ya I had to get ready first." The boys began to run around in crazy circles with each other as Dana mumbled "They are driving Grandma crazy!" Suddenly Grandma grabbed one of the boys by the shoulder "Just stop, stand still while we talk." The boys were not use to this kind of attention, I exclaimed happily "LOOK! it's Build-a-bear right over there! I've always wondered how that works!" The boys all zoomed into focus and calmness. Mom got off her phone long enough to say she wanted to go into JCpennys. While Dana mumbled her need to smoke and Grandma rubbed her forehead as the boys began to pick on each other again. Mom's cell phone rang again as she was leaving to talk Grandma called out at her "Why don't you pay attention to your kids first?" Dana and I both burst out laughing in agreement that Mom never took a hard line with our baby brothers, it was always chaos of them unaware of tripping into a passerby. I snapped into action like I always do in challenging these young boys to use their minds and remember thier manners. "Let's go check out the Build-a-Bear! i wonder how much its cost to make a teddy bear?" The boys cheered out all 3 together getting off the floor and following me across the mall from the bench Dana sat nursing her baby. Suddenly Grandma freaked out shouting out after us, it all took me by complete surprise! She yelled out "DEBBY!" I stopped walking and talking with my brothers looking back in awe as she continued "DEBBY! YOU GET BACK HERE! GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!" Her face was all crazy looking and she was pointing at me like I was in REAL trouble now..... The hairs on my neck stood up, I could see 3 pairs of eyes watching me in such fear as my brothers stood frozen at the entrance of the shop, I gave them a comforting reassuring smile "It's okay you guys, Go on, Learn all you can so when I get back you can teach ME all about it I want to know how it works AND remember to read EVERYTHING through." Little Davey had been holding my hand as we could hear Grandma continuing to scream at me "DEBBY! I SAID GET BACK HERE!" I felt something inside me light up as I leaned into him saying "Don't worry about me, Go have fun!" I let him go but he had a look of almost crying for me. So I made a goofy face explaining "She can't spank me, I am to OLD." He then giggled and ran off to be with his 2 older brothers. I waved them all on into the store as I swung around to face my Grandma. While another set of demands were made by her "DEBBY! YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME! I SAID GET BACK HERE NOW!" Grandma was all red face by now standing over by my sister. I noticed Dana's eyes were huge as she fixed her shirt to lay her sleeping baby back into the stroller. Grandma looked all crazy with anger. I was walking straight and steady thinking to myself on how shall I handle this? even reminding myself "Be nice now, she is just an old and worn out lady today." My blood was boiling either way I thought over it, my lips were pinched and my eyes were darting at her, my crazy miserable Grandma. (AND so THIS is why Grandma hates me so much to this very day) I shouted out on equal volume with her with my finger pointing back in her face just as soon as I walked back to her shouting self! "HOW DARE YOU YELL AT ME!" I said. "HOW DARE YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME." Dana step back out of the way I grew bigger facing my Grandma head on, Dana mumbled "Oh Holy Shit!" to herself as Grandma's eyes grew wide and helpless, I could see my level headed ideas were being washed out by my sudden anger. I continued to shout out "WHAT? WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SHOUT??? HOW DOES IT FEEL NOW? BEING SHOUTED AT? NOT SO NICE HUH? HOW DARE YOU YELL AT ME!" Grandma was trying to to hide behind Dana who stood up quickly giving me warning signs putting up her hand to stop me from getting so close to Grandma's face. I knew I looked crazy too, getting so upset by all that shouting and yelling I took a deep breath and knew exactly what to say next; "OKAY SO YOU DON'T LIKE BEING SCREAMED AT?!?!? WELL NEITHER DO I" Dana chuckled and nodded her head like she was very proud of me. Then she sat down knowing I wasn't going to start swinging and hitting anyone. But Grandma looked around sickly and avoiding eye contact with me completely. I felt suddenly very sorry for her. I lowered my voice and made sure I was about an inch from her nose as I said very confidentially "YOU need to learn some respect! I am a married woman now. Don't YOU ever raise your voice to me AGAIN! ....Got it!?!" I waited a second with my finger still in her face as she was looking at her feet helplessly. Dana patted Grandma's arm "Come sit by me. Let Debby watch over the boys and give us a break."Grandma sat down on the bench quite quickly looking far away over my head as if I was NOT there. I found my cheerful self just like that again as i smiled big and explained what was going on "Okay so now with ALL that being said, I am going to go teach the boys how to have fun a in the mall without acting like monsters, then when I get back we will ALL go for ice cream cones as my treat! just let Mom know. See ya soon!" I winked at Dana as I turned around in carefree light hearted way and left them. Knowing as I did as I walk on back to my original happy go lucky self that from THIS day on Grandma will NEVER like me again. It was such a FREEDOM feeling to leave them on the bench with all things said and done. It was going to be the best memory of my life with my Grandma, the day I stood up to her and told her how NOT to behave! I was at this empowering age of respect and there was NO going back now! I never left more alive and happy then when I calmed down and respectfully bought my Grandma an ice cream cone even though she ate it without another word spoken to me directly....ever again.
( Also my 3 brothers happily showed me how to build a bear when I found them again, so it was a GREAT day over all)
When we are first born there is nothing we are in control of or responsible for, even our minds have not yet capture the fact we are existing. The age of wonder is like an awakening from a long 2 or 3 year sleep as we begin to grow up. I always warn my friends who will be mothers soon that in the next 3 to 4 years should be kept simple, stay in bed longer with your newborn, spend ALL day at the park in the summer and never drag your little new soul anywhere stressful! I have never been a mother but I have been made aware of what it takes, what is so magical and wonderful about it! It is also life changing in every single way that without preparation or steady calmness it's a hard job to be parent. I like giving my helpful tips then watch as these friends look at me oddly saying "How do you know all this? I never thought that far ahead..." It's always been important to me in knowing how to raise children right, or most importantly to relate to them on their own level.... When I would call up all of my friends who are busy mothers now I would ask if I can meet up with them sometime, it always surprises me these several responses were "Well, I don't have a babysitter lined up." I was left bewildered and oddly confused for a second then laugh to myself realizing they don't get it, I LOVE Children!!! So I would explain back quickly "No Silly! I know you have kids so lets hang out ALL of us together! Like meet at McDonald or go to the park so the kids have fun things to do as we catch up on life." The age of wonder is lost somehow at times I have noticed in all these adults around me, I have always discovered such refreshing wonder in all kinds of kids, In fact being around children have so often saved me from my own selfishness or my own sad thoughts through out my life! We all need to hear the sound of laughter and energy coming from the younger generation! The age of wonder is that we can choose to never out grow it! We can share in it the magic of life and learning right along side our kids for generations to come and that is my most favorite hopeful idea to carry on into the future!
Baby Girl Hannah in 2003
Sweet, lovely, 10 year old Hannah was laughing at me as I darted around backyard squealing and trying to hide behind a tree just when she threw a water balloon that splashed over my back! I kept missing her and her brother with my own balloons that they both were laughing so hard now, I will always remember the three of us playing on that summer day, Thinking how Benny would be giggling from heaven at all our goofiness sliding in mud and grass! For I have always loved these kids, always asked Benny if they could come play with us when we met up and Benny would roll her eyes saying back "Then I would have to watch over THREE kids all at the same time!" I burst out laughing and totally agreed!
I was wondering why this winter I have been feeling so easily cold? Usually I can handle it better but lately I have been wishing for sun's warmth more then I can ever remember.....? My husband said the other night that I go to bed ready for a blizzard with all my layers on! Yet I have always felt so invaded by the cold! I have no energy, I have no need to even do my hair most of the time because I want to wear my stocking caps ALL the time now! I could be at such an age right now that this coldness is very painful, I feel very tight and can't even speak when I get super cold standing around outside....THIS annoys me so much too for I love to be outside! I do think winter is beautiful as long as I don't go out into it right away, let the noon hour arrive to whatever heat we are grateful to have! I will never be a winter person I guess......It's just more sweaters and coffee until my happy free spirited Spring arrives one day down the road again! THAT and knowing how penguins walk so I don't fall down on the ice like I did LAST winter....
It is true that I can't wait to be older, wiser and calmer for my over all life, and yet I CAN wait at the very same time because with age comes lost, with lost comes understanding and gratefulness for the simple moment of right now.
Last night's big potato drop downtown Boise on the Grove was a first for this area in hopes to bring more people out and about in the winter's coldness. It was cold out naturally as most new year's eve are, I have been realizing the end of year holds many emotions for me almost like a forced "re-cap" I am dealing with my sense of lost, I want to talk to my best friend so badly that it feels like walking into a solid wall with no way out! Over dinner my husband asked me why is this sorrow resurfacing again in me and I knew it was because of New year's eve, where I am caught once again between hope for the future and helpless lost of the past. Last night's event brought people out from ALL over, it was fun to see yet I felt worn thin, cold and ready to hold my pets closer then ever before back at home all cozy and warm. As we grow older our age of lost grows bigger, our depth and soul become challenged even when we think that we are so strong....or we want to let go all our worries and be happy again. I am not so sure this year will be better then the last but I guess there's no way to avoid it either way. It is true that I have changed, I think maybe it's wisdom or just alertness of all the things I can not control....I can not change, so I want to let it ALL go and just BE. That may mean to be sad or to be guarded or hitting that wall in wanting to connect again to someone I can't, maybe one day I will learn to build a bridge. It's important to know how to live along side these years as they unfold, as they give or take away. I want to capture it all good and bad, to be a balanced person especially when they bring about odd things like a HUGE potato hanging in the sky!
