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Monday, March 18, 2013

The Constant Ego

When it comes to the weakest link in my family while growing up, it was the person who was WRONG. 
If you spoke out to make a point or share an idea even if accidentally wrong (AND as a kid speaking while you are trying to learn is all apart of growing up) But in my family it was "target practice" for putting yourself out there to get shot down by everyone else around you. Honestly looking back it was an unhappy environment to live in full of such fear in being wrong.....
You learned quickly to say "I don't know." pretending not to care or not to be interested in what the adults were talking about.
Rather ironic to have this system in place at home when that was the ONLY place we kids could go learn things......
For me, to be educated became a personal choice that once an actually adult I had the power to teach myself and try to stop blaming my parents for how poorly setup I was. Then my ego took over from there, building walls and trying to maintain control over "Knowing it all" was rather a huge defensive mannerism I began to really polish it up too! Finally my boyfriend stated that I have such a hard time in being wrong or owning my mistakes. THAT hit home to me, I began to see my ego created out of fear and how it took over when I needed to be honest or humble.  
I still get flashbacks to the dinner table as a kid, being wrong was usually noticed in that time of the day when my mother forced our father to sit with us over food. His judgement and shameful sermons to us kids being wrong still burns in my throat as I couldn't swallow my dinner from those hot tears silently sliding down my cheeks. FOR Being wrong in my family, in those flashbacks was just as bad as going to hell itself. 
Whenever I speak up among my family NOW, today I can hear the edge in my voice of wanting to be right not wrong, I feel my skin crawl with that "Know-it-all" ego of mine sneaking it way back up in place. It was born and raised in me while among these people, so naturally I battle with it the most during these times....I have to be strong on so many levels in helping my mother or in facing my aged old ego as my family members stay with traditions of winning an argument. 
I can see it in me that constant ego I have been battling my whole life, it goes away when I create my own life story, when I delight in all the good things of time and beauty! When I say out loud over and over again to myself for practice "I'm sorry I was wrong." THIS is huge for me and I like the smile on my face afterwords realizing the sky didn't fall on my head for being wrong or saying it out loud! IN FACT I am JUST fine and even more able to simply BE ME. 
Maybe one day my ego will go off into the ocean waves and never return but for not I push it back with my hand and my honesty...

             When I realized how VERY wrong I was that late late night in my car crying alone so VERY angry even screaming as I gripped the wheel. I sat there in the darkness aware of how wrong I had been for those 22 years of my life, I melted away from my ego while looking up at the stars I calm down saying "I've been wrong, God isn't what I was always told he could I've been so stupid and so wrong?" I sat smiling happily after my outburst in wet tears for I understood that my ego couldn't control me anymore! I was FREE! I was finally such a REAL person with many mistakes and things to be wrong over but it didn't matter anymore the world was a new story for me! I was FREE! I was aware of my constant ego, I was aware of my mistakes and my need to control my life, my honesty and self-image was never going to be the same from this moment and I had found deep joy in simply seeing the fact I was wrong. Over a decade later I would keep this experience close to my heart as the night I broke free from the chains of religion and of my ego....but really I broke free from that fear, that deep sickening fear of being wrong!
How else could I have learn if not for being so very wrong? Knowing my ego can't step in to save me I have to own this. I have to own this for I could be wrong either way!

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