He sat in the table barely eating the Mexican food in front of us, I cheerfully chatted away at first across from him in all the kindness I could carry. But sadly I KNEW he was about to ditch me, he was trying to say the words in person. He no longer could be in my wedding ceremony as I had asked him to be, I knew this was how it all had to unfold I had seen it in my dreams the night before and knew he was going to judge me instantly. I knew ALL of this before I ever parked my car in front of that little cafe in Nampa Idaho. My soon to be husband asked me why I even cared, why was I even willing to go this lunch date with my brother when it could possibly turn ugly and I answered back "My brother has to follow our parent's rules...he may even agree with them but I will not hide out or skip this event. I must face him in person. I already know what is going to happen and what I must say."
I wasn't afraid at all, eating lunch with my brother listening to him preach about everything bad in who I was. I didn't even cry as he scolded me and disowned me over those soft tacos. I sighed sadly wishing I could save him from being the "perfect" child of my parents....from making the same mistakes I had at his age.....
My brother begged me to come back to church and get married correctly, I smiled at him in true understanding "I know why you say these things, I know what you are trying to do...for I did the very same thing to our sister when I thought Mom and Dad would be so proud of me in trying to save her.... But I was wrong! I was so very wrong back then to follow their advice...I hurt my only sister deeply and now you hurt me in the same way. Being ashamed of me or disowning me will not keep us apart for one day down the road you will look back at this very moment and know I've already forgiven you." I sat still looking out the window as my brother spat back how crazy I was. I had come to peace with all these things, everything moved in slow motion as I walked out to my car done with this interaction. My brother looked so young, so confused yet also very sad too. He didn't save my soul from hell as he had hoped and I didn't chicken out in all I had to say to him before saying goodbye for the years to come.....Sharp are the moments in our lives, sad are the rules that contain us. YEARS are the thing we have to show over how we once were children told what to believe.....and at what cost do we say is enough?
At what level do we decide to fight back?
As I drove away from my brother who had disowned me and said he will never agree to how I live my life, I thought about how much I loved him and how one day he will remember me as I was always forgiving, also aware of the judgement he brought....
Sharp are the moments that hurt us and strong are the days we live in, religion destroys more then it can rebuild! I often wonder why I went to lunch that sad day when I knew exactly how it was going to end? Are my words even worth saying when all is said and done?
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