I was 18 years old when my sister Dana and I actually became real good friends. I was older then her by a year and a half. We grew up opposite of each other as the sun and the moon. Being older, I thought I knew what was best for her so when we were younger I was a natural boss, though she grew up stronger then me. I soon was the one who followed her authority. We had some big fights whenever I challenged her, My sister had a short temper identical to our father. She also had our mother's strong pride. In one quick strike by her fist I would go down fast cowering quickly not wanting to be punched again. But one Sunday evening just before the evening service at church, I swung back hitting her by surprised while her eye glasses flew across our shared bedroom, I think now looking back I was almost 16 years old so I just snapped. My sister was wearing my favorite long jean skirt and I had already planned on wearing it so when she said that she wasn't taking it off I lunged at her with all my anger. Our home was already stressful with that feeling of trying to survive in that chaos. She slugged me in the stomach and I kicked her to the ground. We swung at each other with such force that the pain was hidden by our struggle to win. "It's MY skirt! Take it off now!" I screamed at Dana and she threw me over the bed frame holding a pillow to my face. We were both screaming things at each other with tears in our eyes, my knee nailed Dana in the jaw and she kicked right back, this was an ugly fight that would never of exploded if I hadn't challenged her. THAT and our parents were not in the house to stop it before it got this bad. My Sister was always told by our parents to act more like a girl but deep down in the spunky soul of my sister she lived her whole childhood wishing to be a boy. No doubt for the simple fact boys were honored in my family above all other things.....When my sister and I made up over that skirt, she muttered as she threw my skirt back at me "I don't care! I just want to wear my jeans." I felt sorry for her at that moment, I realized I loved wearing dresses and skirts for church but to my sister they limited her own ability to run and play sports afterwords. When Dana's best friend Joanie came to church in jeans, she was the first teenaged girl to ever do so. I was proud of Joanie and glad for my sister Dana to have an actual girl be her friend. When Dana and I became friends in was when she was 17 and I was 18. I soon became clingy to my sister as my new friend.
It was on a dark late night in our shared cottage bedrooms that Dana found me reading on her couch. I remember that day as clearly as it was just yesterday.......
It was on a dark late night in our shared cottage bedrooms that Dana found me reading on her couch. I remember that day as clearly as it was just yesterday.......
Dana came into the cottage as I laid on the couch with a half can of Pepsi, I let out a loud burp and laughed at it while turning my book's page glancing at Dana who throw her stuff on her already messy bed. I waited holding my breath wondering if she was going to be mad that I was in her room. I always liked when she got home that if she flipped the radio on the type of music would revealed to me if she was happy or mad. So when the Country music filled the quiet late night as she changed into comfy clothes, I breathed a sigh of relief. Country music said Dana was feeling loving at the moment, I was of course always happy when she chose that tune. If it was screaming loud rock music then I would run to my bedroom ducking hoping whatever flying pillows was coming for my head would miss..."Debby." She said to me in that late night with the glow of her bedroom, I looked up setting my book down, "Debby, can you keep a secret? You have to PROMISE me you can keep a secret." I sat amazed that Dana was confiding in me at this moment in time! Dana and I never trusted each other growing up and now at my new age of being 18 years old I thought happily that yes I could keep such a promise. Dana was always skinner then me and taller by a few inches too. Her brown eyes always needed her eye glasses to see even just a few feet in front of her, her long blond hair was becoming more and more irritating to her. My parents never let us girls cut our hair short, at least not without a huge fight and many arguments that lasted for weeks. Dana wanted a boy's hair cut growing up and now as she was almost 18 years old herself, her time was coming to get it all cut off. Then her new venture would be hair of many colors to follow.
"I promise!" I said quickly as Dana held out her hand with a small diamond ring sticking up at me. I froze, wide eyed and my mouth hanging opened "Is it REAL?" I asked for I already knew who gave it to her. Dana was bursting with happiness and waved her hand proudly explaining "It was his Grandmothers, we haven't set a date yet I think I might have to be 18 first." I felt terrified as I whispered "Does mom and dad know?" my heart was racing at the thought of our parents. Dana rolled her eyes and laugh out loud "Don't be stupid!" She held her hand out smiling back at her engagement ring. Tears began roll down my cheeks as my hands began to shake uncontrollably for our parents were going to kill us both! Dana became alarmed by all the doubt she saw in my face "Now Debby you promised you would keep this secret!" Dana had her hands on her hips looking at me with caution as she continued "They will know when it gets closer to my wedding date and such...it is really no big deal, Debby you need to stop shaking like that! Remember its my secret and I will handle it." I noticed my hands were moving on their own, as I exclaimed "You have to tell them soon! Before they find out from some one else!" Dana just nodded, Now I did not sleep at all that first night and over the next 3 months I thought I was losing to much weight.
After morning service on Sunday our parents took us to lunch at McDonalds so while my baby brothers played on the toys, while my parents sat on the booth watching them, Dana and I went to buy the food. It was just around the corner from Mom and Dad as I felt my tray begin to shake uncontrollably again. I was always watching Dana proudly telling everyone she knew that she was getting married, so when she bumped into an old friend they hugged and squealed I began to shake again. It was quite a scene of them jumping up and down while yelling out "Holy shit!", "I know! I can't believe it myself!", "How the hell...?", "I am not shitting you it's true!" they jump some more and my panicking eyes watch out for my parents. Dana quiets her loud friend with a promise of a phone call for the whole story and that our parents do not know about it. I walked steadily to my parents not looking back at my sister and her friend all the while thinking to myself that my sister will be the death of me yet! What a heart attack that moment was! Thank God for warm fries and a strawberry milkshake....only an hour later once back home that food didn't stay down, nothing for weeks was staying down!
"Is that a new ring?" Mom asked from her cozy place on the couch with my 2 little brothers Daren and Dougie sitting on her lap, I shot up from the floor where I had been coloring with my brothers to leave the room once again not looking back as I heard Dana say "Oh, it's an antique I got while shopping yesterday." I had to race off for my life was in such stress but my sister was as cool as a cucumber.
I was crying and praying for my sister one Wednesday night at church in my own corner of space when Joanie who was Dana's best friend sat down next to me saying "I know why you are crying. I know." I burst out sobbing at the relief that I had found my new best friend. Dana had asked Joanie to talk to me, Dana felt that I was having a nervous break down and she thought Joanie could help me through this secret. I was both alarmed that Dana could see I wasn't handling this very well and afraid that if Dana keeps telling everyone eventually our parents will find out and then they will be completely enraged. Joanie and I talked for hours over hot chocolate at the coffee shop that night and I felt so much better having someone to talk with. For my sister I told no one but for me, I had my friend Joanie.
When I turned the corner of the gift shop I thought I was all alone but my father's figure stood frozen in the dark doorway and I screamed. He moved forward to calm me down by holding out his hand "Shhhhhhh! Sorry! I thought you heard to the door bell when I came in." Dad looked old, he looked so sad, I swallowed hard holding onto the counter by the register I was about to close the shop so the keys rattled in my hands. "Did you know your sister Dana is engaged?" He asked now folding his arms, I looked down at my feet begging myself not to puke for I hated throwing up more then anything, but lately I was surprised how easily it overtook me. I looked up to see tears filling my father's eyes, I still said nothing. I was not sure what I could say to help him. His anger flew out of him when he realized I knew. "What are you thinking!? That THIS is okay for her to do behind our backs? You are on HER side!?!" He flew his arms up in the air as he shouted and I back away from him thinking I can't say anything now he is so angry. I cleared my throat as tears rolled down my cheeks silently "I made a promise to her not to tell, I am not on anyone's sides. I have been trying to get her to tell you." I waited for what felt like forever, I really wanted my father to leave he was scaring me. But as I watched him cool down pacing my store like a trapped animal. His frowning face stopped to look me in the eye and normally I couldn't do it, look him right back, but on this night I did. I stared him down as he did me, he didn't know what to do and it was the first time he ever admitted that to me. "Should I throw her out? should I just have all her stuff out in the yard tonight? What should I do, How can I teach her this lie was wrong?" I found my voice as I said "DON'T Throw her out! Listen to her side of the story first." Dad rolled his eyes and snorted "She told everyone else out there her story, I am sure I can find someone else to fill me in." I began to chuckle thinking Dana didn't keep this all very secret herself, but caught myself as Dad rubbed his head "YOU should have told us, you have an obligation to your parents first above any promise to let us know if one of our kids is lying." I snapped back at my dad now realizing I was going to be late in getting the shop closed. "I keep my promises first. If you were approachable she would have share it with you too!" I was relieved I spoke honest for a second at my father. He kept watching me with such sadness yet he didn't get mad again and as he left the shop he said wearily "I am afraid your mother will never stop crying, I am afraid she could die from crying to much." I locked the shop door after him, and watched as Dad walked to his truck with his head down. I was thinking as I watched him that as my father, he didn't have a clue.
My Sister's secret was the first lesson in teaching me how not to be so afraid all the time.
No comments:
Post a Comment