Last day in June

This has been my favorite month of all.

A chilly year for the summer like weather, nice for traveling as Oscar is with us now in Cannon Beach. 

I love it here, my favorite place on earth in my favorite month of all!

I love my Oscar boy so much, my heart is bursting forth such joy to be here! I am in awe of it ALL!

We ran the coast line against the ocean this morning and no one was around, we played Frisbee like old times, we are old in this time actually. 

My wisdom is that my legs are sore and my breath is caught by the wind. My gray hair shines around my ears as it creeps into slowly to the rest of my head and Oscar's eye sight is bad. He ran his heart out, he also avoid the white waves of the bright blue ocean before us and barked at a log he thought was an animal until he got close enough. Being just him and I out there in the morning sun light was truly joyful!

       Oscar obeyed all of his commands, he even gladly found my husband Tony sitting up on a bench for a break. Tony said he could see Oscar limping when running in the wet sand and I had to looked his feet all over as I know old dogs sometimes just have aches and pains.

Our cottage has a fenced in yard so Oscar finds a bit of shade while I read my book on the picnic blanket as this day is pure magical! A good tribute to the best of June!

Tony and I went into town to check out all that has changed in the last 6 years......

I am in such peace of mind being here as if all is right with the world again.

I am in such love of our shared past, for our best vacations have always been here in Cannon Beach. 

I am in such hope for the future of visiting here far more then we have been able to lately, for all the early years of marriage were made better and very romantic with us visiting regularly at least twice a year when Oscar was a puppy/young dog.

We were sitting awhile all together on the bench looking out over the Oregon coast line as the morning moves us into noon. 

As time is perfect, as Oscar growls at other dogs arriving to play on the sand and I leash him up knowing his days of being a laid back happy go lucky dog have ended and he doesn't share very well anymore. 

Change is inevitable.

I am sad to say goodbye to June once again, but I am so very grateful to be here in Cannon Beach after such a long time away. 

My heart needed this place!

Tony and I sat in the Chocolate cafe this afternoon, the chairs are cozy nice and the smell is AMAZING all around us as I had a legendary chocolate milkshake, that was the very name of it so of course I will happily try it! He drank his coffee with his chocolate saying this was his kind of place!

I had never been to this chocolate cafe before, it's perfect in every way!

The fourth of July parade is coming up this week so we will remember to grab goodies here before watching it. 

I am cuddling on the couch right now with Oscar as we say goodbye to June, as we relaxed from our busy fun ocean side morning!  June is a spectacular month! I am thankful it comes around year after year bringing such wonders and promises for a great start to the best season of all, Summer time!

Missing my friend

       I was lost in hazy sadness walking the sidewalks of Nampa Idaho to all the many places my best friend Benny and I had spent so much time together when she came to stay with her mom, she would always meet me.

I was lost in memories of a thousands conversations. In all our laughter, in all our joy.

I was lost in those deep emotional and profound topics we tackled, we didn't avoid any topic to talk about and we didn't take it personal against each other if we disagreed.

I was realizing as I walked the antique shops, the yarn store and the book stores that she and I always went into together spending the whole afternoon among these places together.

In her death I am loosing the corner stone of who I am and why I believe in sisterhood. I know for a fact that women supporting women is the strongest identity of empowerment in support and in good care for each other through all things.  Some women struggle with this fact, the jealous competition has dominated their minds, or they are so afraid of being stabbed in the back when they thought they were friends in the sisterhood of life. 

I have experienced it all.

I was jealous as a kid that girls around me had a devoted friendship. I was competitive for the attention as a teenager as my sister dominated the scene. Then I found my 20th year being simply happy for everyone around whose life was bursting forth such joy and love! I was able to face the most difficult person especially in the world of women and just be a friend to them as they are not as I wish them to be. BECAUSE I had my sisterhood established with Benny and Joanie at that age in my life, I had been given a gift of sisterhood through them, I had delighted in growing up the my other beloved 3 girl friends that we never abandon each other. Tiff, Bekah and Jen were able to help me see how good life can be with friends who like you just as you are so in that big life lesson I was able to like those around me just as they are too. 

On the day Benny died I called Tiff and she asked me to hike with her to the top of the foothill that evening. She knew being nature will do me such good! When she asked what she can to do to be there for me I shared "Would you sit and watch the sunset with me?"

Life long friends are vital to our over all health.

Life long history gives us such strength when a chapter of our lives is closed.

Life long love is what makes the best kind of stories and the best kind of memories.

I walked through the old buildings of downtown Nampa, drinking my ice coffee and letting the warm tears roll down. The summer day was so beautiful and slightly hot as the day rolled on into my lost sense of time, my lost sense of purpose for this day. In a conversation on the phone my friend BreAnna advised me on why I was avoiding everyone, why I was not wanting to return home, She had to lay to rest her wonderful wise mother so I knew that her help was spot on! As she explained this time of deep grief is of me not wanting anyone to really know about it because then it will be made real. Once the story is known then I have to face it all when I am still in such shock.

I loved our conversation because she was so intuitive as I said "You are so much like your mother, you make her so proud, I wish we could all be together again! Benny and her laughing as you and I shared funny customer stories over making coffee, HA! Good times, good times!"

The sunset 6 years ago was wide open over the treasure valley in all the colors of orange which was Benny's favorite color. The sadness of my phone in the history was a long list of her number and her last note to me is found on facebook. This is how we remember as the sun sets over the whole of the earth right before our very eyes.

The ICU is a cold place with constant peeping, computers screens everywhere with wires and patches wrapped around the bed handles. The tiny rooms are full of everything needed in case of a "Code Blue." and I stood beside my mother's bed watching the different colors of lines moving above her bed. She looked so different to me in that hospital bed and yet very familiar as I always put my face to her face in talking and kissing her soft cheeks. The lonely coldness is the simply fact when living through a trauma. As I left the ICU as I thought I should grab a cup of coffee to help me warm up again.....She came towards me in the big waiting room, she had her arms wide open and I realized that I KNEW her! My best friend had stopped her whole life to be right here, right now!

I was in awe and in wonder of her devoted sisterhood as she held me while I sobbed to my knees.

I will always miss Benny, I will always be ever so grateful that I had such a great friend in my every day life and in all the hard times we were there for each other, and how we were also delighting in the simple moments like knitting while it rained outside or having a lunch on a patio while painting, walking the mall to window shop, being actual neighbors or soaking in the hot tub at a hotel making life far better for being shared!

I will always miss my friend.

                                             

Redemption is a journey

     This is one of my most favorite movies, the first time I watched it I was in my sister's bedroom because she had a huge entertainment center setup there in the country side of our little cottage, while our mother had her babies over in the main home after our chores were done, my sister and I would watch movies to catch up in what was popular in our society since we were homeschooled and closely guarded didn't get to see these kind of films in the theater. Maybe it's why I love the movie theater so much now that I am older and free to see whatever I want.

This is a movie I was able to chat about while on a date with my future husband, almost 20 years ago I have been reflecting over the profound impact of this movie.

I have been sitting in the sun just as I am, for the future is truly unknown and I am not afraid of what I can not understand. I am grateful to just be and I need nothing more then this very second of breathing and being.
I am on a journey of learning...
It's important to remember all these things this story teaches us. It's a story of old as I change into the universe.
I have to make my peace with time as it's like a river sweeping away my beautiful June days!

I am old and I am young, I am emotional and I am logical.
I am right and I am wrong, I am just as I am in all things I speak the truth, I live with grace.
It will be interesting to watch the future unfold, I hope I can hold my own in harmony in all things!



             

A Good Sunday

                           In my post in May "In My Being."   I was sharing how scary and difficult it was that my dear friends had to rush their baby boy to the hospital, since then we have worried every day. In the whole nightmare I have gone to the hospital to sit with them, my dear Molly and KJ. 

We've walked all around the hospital waiting on how his surgeries went, it's been extremely emotional and in this last surgery I was delighted over how good their sweet boy Killy looked in recovery. 

Now he has come home for Father's day this is the greatest gift for our friends. We are truly happy for them!

It's such a good Sunday!

We are grateful for such good friends like them in our lives.

Now it's Father's day, a lovely Sunday and hearing that Killy came home makes my heart burst forth such joy!

In my life all things are connected and all things are made better with love and with hope, yet it's the joy that gives breath to such goodness again!

I feel such gratefulness, such peace in this good Sunday! 

A Tough Week

 This has been a tough week, I have had a long list of concerns and events.
I had to make some big decisions and choices for my life.

I look back at each day in this tough week realizing that taking time for myself was almost impossible. I liked walking the green house and working in my gardens.

I need to allow more time for my own mind and my own heart, I like being on my own so much that I should respect that more as social as I am it's being on my own, living my own path through everything that gives me the best comfort in hard times, in my sad soul I like remembering the past.

Then when I come back to the living, the business of society I can handle it better and stronger.

This isn't ever going away my battle against time.

I want to be where I am needed and I know I can help in so many great ways to better the world around me. Yet it's my own being that needs the same care.

A tough week like this makes me love sitting in the sun.

A good song like this makes me smile to myself because I have always been the best I can be in all things so I will keep trying to not get swept away.

I am grateful for this tough week in comforting me along the way.....

Water is Life

I watched "A River Runs through it." yesterday while eating sushi in honor of my brother Derek's birthday. I kept to myself mostly realizing that time is never be the same again so this day is for my deepest grief.

I have been watering everything more as it heats up into Summer soon, my gardens are coming along and my yard edges are getting cleaned up, I planted some yellow roses and had a fire pit under the stars late into the night.

I will always honor my brother's birthday. It is good for me to let go of the distractions in life for a whole day.

I love bringing the water to the world around me.

I love singing sad songs in the morning with my coffee and watching sad movies as I bake something in the afternoon. I took a nap with my old dog Oscar on the couch after having weeded a big patch of land. I am very comfortable being alone for awhile, I think I heal better and think clearer when I take the time to just sit looking out the bedroom bay window.

I love getting old, I love being right where I am meant to be.

I don't like the fact that as I grow old people who are even older will die or people like my brother have sudden accidents then never come back home.

I understand everyone hurts, everyone grieves and everyone has to face their own way in old age. I'm grateful to be still for a day in sadness as I am ever so grateful for the friendship I had with Derek.

I let the water hose roll out into the ground under his fruit trees and strawberry patch thinking I hope he can see how good it all looks today!

Then my own watery tears comfort me.

My ghost lives in June

June is the month of true glory!

June is the time my soul deeply delights in all things!

June is the days of love and laughter with great strength in tears and time that I've capture every year!

June is the best seconds of my breath!

June is the best days of my life!

June is my most favorite month of all, in awe I am grateful for every single day of it even in my grief, in my past, in my childhood memories of celebrating my brother Derek's birthday and holding onto all those good times that each year he grew older. I am readying once again to sing happy birthday to his would of been 37 years old tomorrow.....

June is always going to be my favorite month of all because while the world wakes up into summer's warmth my tears of lost are still there being comforted by the joyful nature all around me.
My heart is forever grateful that I had such a good brother, that he was there for me as I was there for him in all things concerning our family.
I am blessed to remember him once again and to never forget our great days in June!

He will always be my ghost of June.