Thank You to my Hubby

                   

As the month of Thanksgiving ends, I think of all things I put on the list of gratitude for I had a wonderful husband by my side in the crowded grocery store, he took time off work to just be home and it was wonderful! 

I was ever so grateful for his help in cooking, baking and planning Thanksgiving dinner. 

We are the strong and wise adults now that bring forth value in traditions and stability. It's important to both of us to help the world in every way we can, in sharing with our families such time in love and gratefulness.......because we understand now how fast it all goes by. 

When we were young in starting our life together we were focused on making money in order to survive, so the holidays were just another day to get double pay. 

Sadly we look back and realize we didn't know any better......

We would never compromise the holidays now. 

I am glad we learned that life lesson together very early on in our lives. 

We are the leaders for the next generation, there is no money more important in this whole world for it can't replace the people in our lives today.

All the other days of the year you can work your heart out, never spend a dime until the holidays arrive. It helps when you know every year you will be right where you are meant to be.

Now I understand there are certain people who can't do family time, I give them grace in their constant struggle, in their constant dramas and their constant confusions. 

If it's the money they really need, if it's the horrible family they try to avoid I understand, I have learned that there is no perfect family, no perfect safe amount of money in which you will arrive safely through out life. 

It's that focus on perfection for the holidays, the traditions that are important, being willing to show up and support one another that is where true joy lives on through all of time. I am honored to discover this before I get to old.......

       

I am the rock in which I build up my home.

I am so thankful for my husband who has always agreed with me that families need stability. 

He once said that if he had a kid suddenly or had a need in our family like that he would work 3 jobs in order to save enough to be home more for when that child grew aware of him. It's lost in our society that home is where everyone should be together for as long as they can. He believes his creativity would bring about good things in order to give this new soul a better life! I admire that about him, in which we agree how a new person in this world needs all the help they can get!

 Lately we've been told we would be awesome parents, I joke back that it's because we get such good sleep for the most part, when you are an actual parent ya don't.

My Husband and I talk about how important it is to get the message out there in being very careful who you choose to have sex with, that is where the very beginning of your possible family can start so be extra careful with who you choose play around with. 

When we first met we both said that we knew there's much more to the world then just us.

 When we finally got married after those 4 years in dating we covered everything for our future and it felt great to know without a doubt we are the same page. 

Now it's even more important to me in seeing how 15 years/19 years together, has created this amazing life! 

I am in awe! I am in gratefulness! 

Thank you to my husband for providing such a magical good yummy Thanksgiving, and for being there for me in every way! My husband loves how our families come over every year now for Thanksgiving, for a special time together away from the busy world.

 I burst forth in such energy in cooking, baking and helping him side by side in our magical kitchen! I am thankful for such a great husband through out my life! I am in awe of him, in awe of us having come so far in time together and in facing the future together! 

Before we got married the next day, My husband looked at me asking "So are you really okay in not having kids?" I smiled proudly "Of course! I feel that the world is full of kids needing love, Besides I already have my baby brothers, my heart is full just as we are! I think my life is meant for other possibilities!" He sighed with relief "Oh thank God, I always knew I didn't want kids." I laughed at his worried adorable face.

He turned to me after my brothers left from our thanksgiving feast and board game time last week. "I sure hope your brothers feel at home here, I hope they feel like they can count on us. They can come by any time or call us if they need help in anything." I smiled proudly "I am sure that they do, they are young men stepping out into the same world of chaos that we did.....a stable safe place is always a big help along the way! Thank you for making the holidays so perfect like this!" 

Breath Me

I whispered to the sky after Thanksgiving week ended I whispered "You should of been there. In real life time, You should of been the center of the whole room....breath, I can't breath on without you! God, I hate goodbyes....I've hated them ever since I became award of what they mean....Oh Brother help me, help me live on without you! I don't want to.....I can't, I will always hurt like this always.....I keep thinking I will understand better what has happened, in truth I lay on the floor sobbing as if it's the first day you died. My God, my life was so connected to you, I am grateful, I m in awe, I am hoping to find you again, Oh how You should of been here."

I say to myself "Steady, get up and live again. Get inside to warm up and breath again."
I can only breath, my thoughts bring me to my knees and I sob. 
I know now how the levels of grief are never ending, I understand now so much more then I ever knew humanly possible. 
I live on always with love, hope, peace and most importantly joy. They are 4 corners of my being.
While I feel fear, anger, desperation, helplessness and pure deep raw sadness those 4 corners hold me when I am down, when I am worn out and when I remember how much I hate to say Goodbye my whole life!
My Auntie Val said I was a very loving child, sweet thoughtful, kind as little as when I started to learn how to walk, but the one things that got me most upset back in those early days of my life was having to say Goodbye. Leaving St. Maries all through those years I cried, I loved my family always. I didn't trust my parents but I still loved them, I didn't like certain Aunts and uncles whose behavior was unstable, but I still prayed for them. I saw my 4 Grandparents as wise leaders yet all so very different from each other and I grew up with caution, with constant thought in recording all those memories. It all makes me who I am today, I use to know who I am but now I am aware that I am gone.
I am an adult whose 4th decade begins soon so I will take it in honor of those who came before me.
I am always putting my best forward, I am always thinking of the 4 agreements to help me and to give myself grace when I make mistakes. I am not ever going to be me again, yet I am exactly as I should be, so this is me now I have to allow time to be comfortable with who I am.
I can kick ass, I can help and I can hide away for a whole day like this to just cry.
I am never ever going to like saying Goodbye.
That is life though, I have been given such a gift of life that I am thankful. 
I couldn't do it without all this love in me, I am, I breath, I blink, I set the table for the Holidays and I know this moment is fleeting.......perfection can never last.

Coldplay - Talk

Dear Derek,
Happy Thanksgiving!
I hope you swing by in the sky to see us all sitting/talking in your kitchen.
We sure miss you all the time, every second actually.
Mom really wants to see you again, it makes her think Heaven is where the party's at now :-)
Dad really wants to talk with ya again he has so many good stories about you that pains him to share but when he does I sure listen :-)
Dana has a picture of you hanging up in her new home :-)
Daren, Doug and Davey have such love for you, that I look forward to seeing them stop by and just hanging out :-) 
Everywhere around here is pieces of you, I like cooking with your kitchen tools and baking up your spices. Brewing your teas and always lost in our memories :-)
I see you in my mind's eye just 2 years ago today in this kitchen lit up in lights, activities :-)
What a fun day that was, even though you had a head cold and even though the wind kept blowing out the burner for deep frying your turkeys.....I can still taste that lemon zest in your huckleberries :-)
You made it such a magical holiday for all us to come sit with you in your beautiful home :-)
You are missed by more then just your family, yet another year is here and I am honored to live where you did :-)
I think that Thanksgiving was so much as we cuddled, as we leaned into each other and half hugged while laughing so much in your kitchen and lost in recipe ideas :-) 
I think about how I felt the need to capture us all in a picture or 2, because as I helped Mom get around I thought our time all together is fleeting, I hope to remember this day always.....
I had no idea it was YOU we were capturing, YOU who was fleeting to us all :-(
I say it every single day sometimes in tears, sometimes in fear, sometimes in anger and sometimes in pure defeat I say it towards the sky if God is watching, "I DO NOT WANT A LIFE WITHOUT MY BROTHER DEREK."  and yet here I am a few weeks away from 2 years ago.....
If I die young it will be by total accident, like you it will not be planned nor wanted, for I know I live to help the world while I am here, not sure why or how but I sure like that feeling that I am right where I am suppose to be :-) I miss you so much on this day as we made such a good cooking team!
May I carry the fire for you into all the holidays, into the future for our family :-)
May I see you again one day :-)
May you know how much love we carry on for you now :-)
May you laugh at my constant clever jokes and cooking adventures nowadays :-)
May you rest in peace, for I am ever so thankful for you Brother!
I love ya Derek, Happy Holidays!
Many hugs and high fives, 
Your silly sister Debby

U2 Beautiful Day

Last night we went to my husband's mom's place for dinner. In the delightful time with all of us together, we used cards to ask personal questions like "What kind of party would you have if money wasn't an problem." or "What would you ask a psychic about the future?" I got a card that asked "What song triggers memories for you?" I choose U2 "It's a beautiful day." 
Then I looked around the table to my husband Tony, his mom Jo and her husband Roy, with Tony's brother Dusty who was sitting next to his wife Stephanie. The 6 of us enjoyed the game of questions, the fun jokes and laughs, as it was such a good time with good foods. Since Tony's mom works on all the holidays it's always so difficult to know when we can meet up with her, I am glad it worked out even though I have been rather very busy myself in cooking and cleaning and baking for my wonderful sacred holiday of Thanksgiving.
Taking time out to see Tony's mom and step-dad Roy was truly special.
I was very proud of myself to not drink too much, the last time I hung out with them I got wasted. So I realized that my life is full of sadness in which I can't keep a cocktail in hand even though they always make the best cocktails with high end alcohol, I can practice self-awareness in just enjoying one fun beverage. I truly hate crossing the line of what I call "Floating." it's when to much alcohol floats all your emotions to the top of your self, I have realized in those moments I have kept some things very guarded or buried down inside of me. In floating I become aware of them and try to work on fixing them within myself. I think now that I am almost 40 years old, I shall drink much less not more.

I truly enjoyed last night seeing us all together, we have a bit more gray hairs then we did 10 years ago,  yet we are still a fun family to hang out for the evening! 

Coldplay - Speed Of Sound

As 4 decades gets closer I feel like life has been cycling through time, re-cycling my emotions and my thoughts over and over again....
It's like I live, I learn and then I live, I learn all over again.
It's not going to rest in peace until I do, it's not possible to know all thing. Yet we all desire to, we seek knowledge like a hungry, thirsty survivor in the desert. We long to understand deeply and to arrive in life to that perfect place in time. I have had so many profound moments, often side by side with a Coldplay song of course, I think it's the never ending story we all share until it ends.

I am not as confident as I was when I was 20.
I miss so many people back then who are not here anymore.
I wonder what my next 40 years will look like, I am in transition, I am in a story book.
I like being older, because I feel stronger, I feel focused on exactly what I need to do next.
I hope this Holiday season is a bit easier then last year, I still hurt as I carry my memories with me.

Sitting in the top of my Grandpa's cherry tree, I was just 12 years old looking out over the landscape of the snake river wine region with a storm coming over the Owyhee mountains heading over the the valley then up towards me. I could see lightening in those dark clouds as I sat there in the summer afternoon wondering why I couldn't hear the thunder yet....

Yesterday I got to visit with Tiffany's kids at their Dad's wedding, both Abby and Tally have become young women so quickly as Tally is now 12. All of our adventures, all of hanging out together over the years has given me such joy! When we are 12 years old we wonder about everything we see, we try to stay organized, stay in control of how we think our life should be like. Yesterday was very sweet as I admire the last 20 years with these kids in my life!
I wonder what 20 more years will look like, I wonder about the future all the time. I have such an incredible past, such an important history in contributing to the future. I have such a love for all my friends whose children are growing up right now! For they give me such hope and happiness!

I am thankful for the new life and new energy of humanity as we share another great adventure!

Coldplay - Viva La Vida

I took a walk through the park yesterday morning with my life long friend Tiffany as her new dog Kelpy took on such a happy frenzy run among the last of the fall leaves.
This dog came from the same owner as my little Sidda, I have been ever so grateful of the last 7 years with Sweet Sidda in my arms! My heart has grown from living side by side with Oscar to our deep love of Sidda, in fact as Oscar grows old and grumpy he never gets mad at Sidda. He is so devoted to her, so protective of her even now....
I hadn't been sure that Tiffany's life was ready for a dog, she is a cat person. Growing up she never got that excited over a dog, but she loved her cat so much! When she lived with me for a summer in Boise a few years ago she said "Your dogs are the cleanest, well trained, best behaved dogs I have ever seen yet they are like kids who never grow up." I laughed so much because her 4 kids were needing our guidance yet they were changing and learning to do many more things for themselves. My dogs however were never going to change from needing me right there by their side.....

We walked together as we use to when we were 16, We have stayed friends even more now then ever before. Life has changed over and over and over again on us as we are older. Her dog is so smart, I felt like it was meant to be as Tiffany texted me how she really wants her son Shane to have a dog while he grows up, when he was 6 years old he helped me walk my dogs  and now that he is 9 years old he is ready for his own pet. I am so happy it all worked for my friend texted asking me if I wanted her dog, then a second later Tiffany told me how ready she is in her life to have a dog. That perfect timing made me realize I can't ignore this moment...I love Shane, he has such a love for the whole world! He was always watching his busy noisy family from the stroller, from the car seat, from his coffee table full of toys I have been thinking that he is a very reflective person, when he was 4 year old I joined everyone for Halloween staying right beside him the whole night of fun, he would always say adorable things like "My legs need to catch up." and "I guess everyone is in a hurry but I am not." He would hold my hand on his own, I would think about how sweet and little he is, when he came to visit over those years he would always note when I added new toys to the box. The summer of 2015 when his mom lived with us, he would nap on the couch with Minnie, he would carry little Sidda back into the home if she escape. He would always tell me that if he ever had a dog he would live like I do. He would want his dog to sleep with him, to eat with him and to be where ever he goes. Now he has that in his life and it's so wonderful! I am happy for everyone, Tiffany and I walked and talked as we always do when we are going through crazy stuff in life.
I cried, I shared and I vented about trying to be there for everyone, she reminded me that it's not possible, that I can't beat myself up in not knowing that my friend would attempt suicide twice now...
I felt much stronger after walking with Tiffany, because she has always been a open honest person who doesn't shy away from the deep important discussions and subjects of life. I shared with her how I use to feel so confident, so self assured and now I feel so helpless, so powerless and rather overwhelmed. She reminded me that giving my self grace to not be all knowing, to not always be able to help. Tiffany said "You have a full plate, caring over your parents since your brother died  that alone it a huge responsibility." I paused for a moment saying back at her "Oh yeah, there's that too....well, no wonder I feel like I can't be every where I want to be!" 
We walked on into the fall morning sun light as I realized humble awareness is a peaceful surrender. I know as Thanksgiving gets closer I have so much to be thankful for!

Coldplay - A Head Full Of Dreams

I keep telling myself there are miracles at work, for I have a head full of dreams.
I have a wish for the future to be better for these young people today, I have a young lady whom I love so much who is struggling with living. My heart breaks for all the pain she is in, I wish I could give her the magic I know now that helps us breath in this stressful scary society. I wish I could fix whatever it is that has her trying to opt out early from this world.
I hope I can find wisdom for her, I just love her so much!
I have been hurting over this as I know everyone has their right to decide, the right to handle their own life story and journey.
I believe we will always need each other to make this world survivable.
I believe the stories are all connected.
I believe we the people have the power to create a powerful joy through all things <3 I send out my hugs, my colorful butterflies and flowers this morning to her hospital bed right now so she's not alone in her recovery <3

Coldplay's documentary

Tonight is playing a documentary of my beloved Coldplay.
I can't make it to the movie theaters to see it, so I am just listening to their songs realizing that every single one marks a certain time in my life.
I am in awe of this band since like 2003 or 2004.......
These songs came along side me and helped me live fully and feel completely!
It's wonderful to see how they make the world a better place with their songs, good job guys! I bet your documentary is Awesome!

Funeral Canticle

To everyone who is grieving right now after the mass shooting in Thousand Oaks California yesterday, shortly after the synagogue shooting in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania.
To everyone who is grieving such painful fear and terror having lived through it.
To everyone who is hurting by these sudden deaths.
To everyone who knows how these mass shootings are clearly increasing, are becoming a normal way of the news coverage to let us instantly know of such tragic loss and unbelievable events.....

 I give my hugs and tears out to them, because this isn't the way we want our country to live.
This isn't how we want our history books to filled with such heart ache and helpless terror.
To everyone who fears for the future and tries to handle things in today....
Sudden death, sudden loss touches us all.

To everyone who has high hopes for the next generation being born today, may we be brave! May we find solutions in prevention so that the news coverage becomes boring again.
This isn't the way society should be.
To everyone in sadness I send out my love. I send out my heart's desire for more love, for more peace! 

Choir!Choir!Choir!

When singing in a group, our powerful senses take off! We know that we are not alone and we are apart of something moving in the energy of sound!
I love Choir!Choir!Choir! for this very reason of bring people together all at once in tune, often in a famous classic song! It's inspiring and refreshing!

I love singing but I think I sound better in a group of singers then on my own ha!

Last night when I turned off the news coverage for voting day the peacefulness was very noticeable. It was very cold out so all my pets were tucked in and cozy for a good night's sleep I thought it's the night that is so special, so priceless to be together safely.
My husband loves politics so we had our cups of tea in pure quietness and just talked about the elections right before bed, it had been a noisy news evening.

I love music in everything, it brings a sense of hope and of emotions that normally get passed by....

The nights are early now, the quick arriving darkness brings me in close to my home more. I am not a fan of such cold dark seasons but I like taking a break from gardening and pulling weeds.
I like that even my cats who love being outside for most of the night in the summer time come in close to home as it grows colder too.

I love that I have such a sweet husband and truly sweet pets in this sweet holiday season!

Brave Animals

       

     It's such a powerful good movie "Alpha.", my heart was bursting forth such pride at the end of it!

Life without dogs would be a very sad place indeed, life without companionship and friendship would also be tragic. Yet there is a bond, a trust, a strength in bringing the humans together with such powerful dogs. The adventures in this movie are breath taking and powerful!

The awe in connecting a wolf with a man in the same need of survival makes me feel very inspired to know we can't make it on our own.

The animal world can be dangerous and protecting all at the same time.

In their eyes is a heart beat of feelings and needs in their own understanding, you are either a threat or a friend to them.....

I really loved this movie, such wide open landscapes makes me realized that humans have sure made a mess of it all. We don't blend into nature as a society, we don't live in and among wild life in a natural way that a buffalo can. We can't survive the harsh temperatures like the wolves, we are not able to be like everything else around us, we are strange being, we are not superior in any way expect for our brains. I wonder if this world will always hold us here, we are out of place of the natural real way of everything else. 

I loved this movie "Alpha." because I admire the friendships to the animal world that humans can create. That we have such love, such care and such awareness in our ways to help such wild life all around us. we don't fit in to the system of everything but we can help save a life.

We are the servants not the Masters of this world, it looks like this isn't understood in everyone. but I know it in my heart that humans are at the bottom of the totem pole, they are not here to conquer but to care instead. We are given such gifts of love, compassion and grace to help heal, to help rescue and to help keep safe many living souls on this earth. It is an important job to be the servant, to be the protectors of all these great things in this world. I just wish we all agreed that this world isn't ours for the taking, instead it's in sharing and serving, I loved this movie for the bravery and the desire to survive together!  

As it should be.

Spirit Animals

It's inspiring to think the spirit animals never leave our side as life moves on with them, all animals have something to offer us in protection or in survival. I liked to imagine I have a pack of dogs walking with me through out my whole life, always. With cats on my shoulder I can see a magical place untouched by cruelty, by greed and by chaos of the real world. I love picturing my horses are running free on the mesa in the beautiful sun light and the call of the wolves are in the mountain peaks far away under the starry night while I feel safe in the center of those majestic mighty elephants! I love to imagine my spirit animals are all working together and have a inner strength to face the future. I think that animals will always fascinate me and that I see them in a world so perfect and safe. I have a sense as a human being to be here as a servant to them, I am the zoo keeper not the queen on this earth. I wish I could keep them all well and safe for all time so it comforts me that maybe they are there in the spirit world right beside me now, giving me an understanding in my care taking job.

The day of the dead

The Day of the Dead (Spanish: Día de Muertos) is a Mexican holiday celebrated throughout Mexico, in particular the Central and South regions, and by people of Mexican heritage elsewhere. The multi-day holiday focuses on gatherings of family and friends to pray for and remember friends and family members who have died, and help support their spiritual journey.

From October 31 to November 2 I honor the dead and celebrate their life that touched mine and leaves me in tears of love!