Breath Me

I whispered to the sky after Thanksgiving week ended I whispered "You should of been there. In real life time, You should of been the center of the whole room....breath, I can't breath on without you! God, I hate goodbyes....I've hated them ever since I became award of what they mean....Oh Brother help me, help me live on without you! I don't want to.....I can't, I will always hurt like this always.....I keep thinking I will understand better what has happened, in truth I lay on the floor sobbing as if it's the first day you died. My God, my life was so connected to you, I am grateful, I m in awe, I am hoping to find you again, Oh how You should of been here."

I say to myself "Steady, get up and live again. Get inside to warm up and breath again."
I can only breath, my thoughts bring me to my knees and I sob. 
I know now how the levels of grief are never ending, I understand now so much more then I ever knew humanly possible. 
I live on always with love, hope, peace and most importantly joy. They are 4 corners of my being.
While I feel fear, anger, desperation, helplessness and pure deep raw sadness those 4 corners hold me when I am down, when I am worn out and when I remember how much I hate to say Goodbye my whole life!
My Auntie Val said I was a very loving child, sweet thoughtful, kind as little as when I started to learn how to walk, but the one things that got me most upset back in those early days of my life was having to say Goodbye. Leaving St. Maries all through those years I cried, I loved my family always. I didn't trust my parents but I still loved them, I didn't like certain Aunts and uncles whose behavior was unstable, but I still prayed for them. I saw my 4 Grandparents as wise leaders yet all so very different from each other and I grew up with caution, with constant thought in recording all those memories. It all makes me who I am today, I use to know who I am but now I am aware that I am gone.
I am an adult whose 4th decade begins soon so I will take it in honor of those who came before me.
I am always putting my best forward, I am always thinking of the 4 agreements to help me and to give myself grace when I make mistakes. I am not ever going to be me again, yet I am exactly as I should be, so this is me now I have to allow time to be comfortable with who I am.
I can kick ass, I can help and I can hide away for a whole day like this to just cry.
I am never ever going to like saying Goodbye.
That is life though, I have been given such a gift of life that I am thankful. 
I couldn't do it without all this love in me, I am, I breath, I blink, I set the table for the Holidays and I know this moment is fleeting.......perfection can never last.