Inspirational Advice

Inspirational advice for the end of July, as I have been feeling stretched thin and wishing to take better care of myself, wishing to also take better care of others, so this is a great video to share and to remind myself not to dim my light, not to loose my journey through this changed story of my life.
 It has been important for me to say goodbye to July as a month of such depth in facing my struggles, facing my time in the sun and knowing I need to find my motivation again.....

Summer time is such a magical season, I am so grateful for it!

Won't You Be My Neighbor? - Movie Review

I wonder as well, if there will ever be a guy like him in the public eye again.
Children deserve to be treated with respect, with honesty and safety in learning new things.
I think that connection and caring go hand in hand for happier adults in the future.
Children deserve a better life from what we do with our own time in handing the torch of light and love to them in our end and for their beginning.

Thank you Mr. Rogers for your understanding in how to create a better world.

Mr. Rogers - It's Such A Good Feeling

Classic Sesame Street - Mr. Rogers Visits

I have been thinking about "Mr. Roger's neighborhood." lately, after having seen the documentary "Won't you be my Neighbor?" in the new movie theater of Caldwell Idaho.
It was so inspiring and special for me as I followed the making of this documentary for such a long time....I have loved this show along side Sesame Street. As a kid I learned so much, I longed to learn new things growing up, seeking other adults in my life who had time for me...Mr. Roger always had time and his calmness was one of my most favorite things while growing up in a home of craziness. My parents were loud, distracted and stressed out. They barked out orders to get our chores done or go play while they dealt with their own worlds. I found self-value by thinking about how to care for each other in these PBS TV shows that came on daily in my ever changing childhood.

I have become the adult I always needed when I was a kid, influenced by Mr. Roger and Big Bird.
I have been proud of the good times I remember when my family would calm down and be together, for through the stressful times came the awareness of peace, of helping each other and holding onto self-worth.
"I like you just the way you are." has helped me through my young adult years as well.

Looking back over my almost 4 decades, Mr Rogers is my true hero, and I hope to always carry his advice with me as I grow older.

Looking forward I can see how important children are to the future, to the kind of world that we want. 
Since I remember everything about how I felt as a kid, as a teen or as a new adult, I admire these PBS shows helping us grow up in better knowledge and in better connection that we are not alone in how we grow up. I think self-respect starts at the beginning of our lives, when we come to understand that we have value, then we can see how others have value too. It allows us to care and share our wonderful life with others very easily, while working together to make the world a better place after all.

We will always have things we will want to talk about, it's such a good feeling, a very good feeling, a feeling you know that I will be back when the day is new......

Foo Fighters - Times like these

My heart stopped when I heard this song, it was as if I was 29 years old again only I am not.

         Tears rolling down my face into my shirt once again, I live this way now. 

It's times like these I am in the past instantly, while knowing this is really the present, after the song I am left hoping for the best in the future.

My heart hurts so much, my life story took me away from a perfect moment in time that the song brings back to me.

My heart knows it's a profound life lesson that I am living in.....

My heart knows it's very important to feel this deep pain and be triggered by this song again. 

    Tears of a life so well loved, so deeply missed. 
Oh my dear brother Derek, it's times like these I wish we could talk again.

In The Blink of an Eye

I blink my eyes when I wake up and lay there for a moment to think about my dream.

I always dream, I always have something profound to discover while I sleep, just like in real life I seek the profound.

I love sleeping, resting and napping.

I don't sacrifice my need to heal, to have down time when my body demands it.

I enjoy waking up slowly, thoughtfully.

I look forward to the new day as simply as I can make it. I always drink a full cup of coffee before taking off. I always give lots of attention to my pets and sit a moment with my husband if he's still home in the mornings.

Life shifts into different routines and schedules, I will always miss the mornings where we had big breakfast time on our covered patio every morning till 10am, we were young and starting out on life so those will always be my cherished happy memories.

I still love my mornings, that sparkling sun light with a whole day ahead of great things to accomplish!

I still remember how beautiful the morning was of the day my brother died, no wonder he was out early snowboarding it up! For it truly was a PERFECT start to such a tragic sad day.

I realize how important mornings are, for in the blink of an eye it's a hot afternoon.

I use to walk my Oscar every morning at the park, in fact he and I spent days by the river or in the foothills before the heat came on.

I love summer mornings the best! The world is growing and changing so I get to be out in it!

I have noticed my dreams have been very emotional lately, where as waking up to do projects has me distracted from my grief. I think it's good to not waking up crying right now, instead I wondering why I was crying in my dreams? It was so real in my dream to sob and share my hurt to the people there but in the blink of an eye I wake up and sigh, I will do good things today in hopes to heal from the hurt that is always in me.

I sat with my life long friend Tiffany as she shared just the other day "You look good, like you are getting back into your life." I smiled and nodded explaining "It's true, I'm coming back to myself more, but it's never gone my pain, my loss and my love for my brother is like a wound with a scar and you can touch it and it will bring such pain to my soul but it's also healing as I go, it becomes me just as I am."

In the blink of an eye it's morning again.

In the blink of an eye it's another story of life.

In the blink of an eye it's how I was born, I lived, I loved and then I died. 

.....and I am at peace with that.

Garden Ready!

   

We started cutting the wood and drilling the screws in May and I made sure it was well oiled, we set it in place and lined it with thick plastic so the soil can't rot into the side of wood.

We filled it in all kind of composing layers and set the bench facing my home......it was perfect!

We fixed a few splits, a few leaks and with a bit of adjustment it's looking beautiful!

We panted some really grown tomato plants and set up the frames like our mother has, we have finished our first raised garden bed from scratch!

"We" being mostly my 19 years old brother Davis actually, I have been so impressed by all the steps and all the team work it took to create this wonderful sight!

I am truly thankful for his help, his creativity and his friendship through this day dream that became real life gardening! 

I am thrilled to see what a wonderful space in my backyard it will become!




(Thank you Baby Brother for helping me reach such a big goal on my to do list. It was fun getting it done with ya by my side)

Plaza Party Police

I had taken my mom to lunch at The Bird Stop and my cousin Mitch said that the plaza band was going to play around 7pm. So I thought on my way home I will swing by to see what it's like.

I was so very impressed by the food trucks and the good beer vendors. 

Then I walked through the fountains to admire the kids, and dance a bit to the band. When they announced that the police were making a lip sync video for the nation wide challenge on Youtube. I laughed as I have seen so many of those videos and love this!

So I had no problem dancing along with the crowd and helping kids not feel so guarded. Afterwords I splashed some water on me and went into the bird stop again to get an ice water. Happily I bumped into my father-in-law Kelly and Teresa as they had the girls of their friends with them. I have watched Violet and Maylee before so I was happy to see them all again.

The whole evening flew by as I also found my Aunt and Uncle on the plaza, They have been doing such a great job with their restaurant. 

My Aunt Karen and Uncle Matt are some of my most favorite people in the world! 

I am so happy that Caldwell is improving and focusing on their local community and how nice it is to see so many people I know there in one evening.

my Father was telling me that it's going to take a lot of money to restore some of those old buildings surrounding the plaza so I hope the future is full of good financial planning because this plaza and new movie theater is much needed.

I am so grateful for having the time to dance after a day shopping with my mother, I am so grateful to have such good friends in my family, amazing women like Teresa and Karen who always ask how my mother is doing and they really care about me so my heart is bursting with gratitude!

For this was such a Glorious night!

and I just dance my heart out!  

Congratulations to Caldwell Cops in making such a clever video!

Yesterday and 7 years ago

Yesterday I woke up very aware of how everything changed on this date 7 years ago, I never like remembering horrible things. We should have anniversaries for GOOD things in our lives so I struggled through tears all day. I went to the garden store and put together my gardens and worked in my back yard in hopes to dedicate my memories of trauma to growing NEW things....

My sister's words through the phone at 7am against the bright morning sunlight from my bed of sleeping pets and a worried husband, "Mom is having a stroke and on her way to the hospital." I cried out in alarm and fell into the side of my bed. I cried out "OH MY GOD! Hare Krishna! What the fuck! Dear God have mercy!" Then in the shower I screamed out "Calling all angels!" and raced off to the hospital with hands shaking and heart pumping!

Many valuable people came into my life from that day on and I look back in awe of all I have learned, in all I have been challenged to grow and to change with the events from that day.....

last night I was crying again as I missed my brother and my best friend,

they were there.

On this date 7 years ago.

They were right there in the hospital with me as we faced such a scary day for my mother.

and I miss them so much.

I have grown comfortable with the way my mother is now but I really do miss her too, I miss seeing her drive around with such ease and meet me for lunch.

I miss how energized she was as she worked away in her gardens.

So yesterday I planted in my own place in honor of her life force that has been split, she's now waiting for her other half of the brain to come back together.

Trauma has taught me to treasure THIS moment and hold on to the people who come to my side!

Because Calling ALL Angels comes to us all in the end.

The new plaza in Caldwell

Today is the big celebration of Caldwell's new plaza for their downtown, the music stage is outside right next to the new Flying M coffeehouse. I took my Mom through there on Thursday as everyone was setting up for today, the kids ran through the fountains surrounded by picnic tables and umbrellas. My Mom and I even sat awhile watching the Indian Creek flow down through the park. It's so nice that Caldwell Idaho is improving and focusing on their local community.

Since Boise has grown crowded, I find myself loving Caldwell a bit more these days with my mom while we just take it easy there.

It's closer to her home on the farm and I live in Meridian now so it's half way to any where in the Treasure Valley.

I was thinking as we enjoyed our lunch at The Bird Stop, her sister's restaurant, that we have come full circle to spending more time now in Caldwell then any other town. It takes forever to drive across Nampa Idaho so if we are not in a hurry we shop over there but as I enjoy seeing Caldwell celebrate new life, I look forward to doing more things there with my mom then before!

It's fun to see what they can do! I like that small town feeling where ever I go actually. 

Congratulations Caldwell for today you have created a fun new space in your town!

Our play days

Last month we visited my cousin Henry in his new town of Ellensburge Washington, I loved being able to talk in person, to hang out and enjoy his new life! I got to see a new place, eat wonderful foods and have many good talks!

While Henry and I were catching up on our lives, he said he sure misses back when we were kids, I miss that too.......

Yet I am grateful to be free from that religious dogma,  sharp judgement and very strict rules that made my childhood feel like a prison.
 Our times together as cousins, our big adventures and everyone around having big family dinners made our past such a cherished time, it's why we are friends now as adulthood brings us into prime time.
We don't scribe to the same structure of the past but we remember our good laughs and our good memories. As cousins we didn't abide by the adults, we found our ways around them to really simply enjoy ourselves as kids. Our play days, our years of sharing the same big crazy family gave us the strength for today, we can make the future far better with the deep wisdom we were taught and from what we lived through.

I was truly grateful for our weekend together, over the last decade he came to visit many times, and I always stopped to see him on my way up north. When I look back over all our memories I am so happy we were always friends!

I am excited to see what await us as we adapt to the future, and I hope to road trip over to see him again for it's such a lovely town full of new possibilities and new adventures!

Happily Ever After

In honor of our 15th wedding anniversary I think my list of 15 things that we often discuss or focus on might help out any relationship out there too!

1. Talk often

2. Just Listen

3. Never Lie

4. Adapt

5. Negotiate

6. Respect each other

7. Have Fun

8. Laugh Often

9. Have Teamwork

10. Have Adventures!

11. Sit and relax

12. Cook together

13. Eat together

14. Encourage Each other

15. Strive for the best for Each other 

.......and live happily ever after......

Old Movie Stars Dance to Uptown Funk

This song has inspired me for years, I like how they did this video for it made me laugh and bust a move again! 
I sometimes forget who I use to be so music is my way of coming back to myself, of dealing with any current stresses and of being reflective through songs, through life I find my way back again.....

Music is my survival choice and dancing is my pure delight! 
Hello to July, hello to summer for I hope to dance more in your sunshine!

Goodbye to June

Not a day goes by that I don't cry, but I do notice how I laugh, how I get focused on new ideas and new things to do. How I admire and delight in those around me when we come together. But I sure do like my own space, my own time to be sad or to feel my whole life live on within me.

My 30's sure where very tough hard years, I was so happy on the day I turned 30. 

Of course I had no idea the traumas that would haunt me in the next 10 years............

Yet among all of it where the laughter, the love and the good times still, I see my 40's in a much different way now in the happiness of being older I see a deeper respect for the next 10 years ahead.

I will not waste my time among the bullshit, and I will always LOVE fully my whole life time no matter what that looks like in the end because Sadness has taught me what's it all worth to me now.

This June has been so beautiful, so reflective and full of family connections. I am in awe of how fast it went by in my tears, in my reminiscing of loosing my best friend and in celebrating my brother's birthday.  June is always going to be so bittersweet, so perfect is the weather to help me live again.

Not a day goes by that I don't long to have every month be June!

   

I notice how I live, how I think and feel all the time, yet in June I have arrived. I am just present in the moments outside and under the stars, I feel closer to happiness I think.....maybe my joy comes from my grief, for I deeply loved that Gemini sky!