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Friday, May 22, 2015

Slipping Away

           It was a powerful moment in my life that summer night's sky shinning down on me while I drove fast on the freeway, the music blared only because I had no dogs in the car to hurt their hearing, no husband in the car complaining over how he has never been a fan of music. 
I was simply all alone thinking to myself about the day's events in the hospital where my mother was recovering from her massive stroke, the clouds reflected the moon light and I cried.
It felt like no one else was in the world in that rare late night moment on the freeway I had secretly driven out to my old childhood farm not telling anyone now I was coming back to Boise on the freeway, I had to see it for myself to say "goodbye" to everything I had once known while living there. It was a dark place since everyone was staying at the hospital or at my brother's home close by. I walked around the ditch bank of my past, this was a well worn pathway for me every midnight hour of my high school years. 
The panoramic view was a this endless starry sky over the rolling hillside into the valley below facing the owyhee mountains. God was here in my life every night helping me as I cried and walked surrounded by my Grandpa's fruit orchards I could stand above those trees from the ditch bank rim and I prayed everyday for all the things in my life I was afraid of or I was mad about.
Now it's all so dark, so sad and depressing because my Grandpa is dead and the orchards are over. The fruit tree grow wild an crazy lost and confused, I knew as I stood there I will never ever desire to return, God was here when I was younger clinging to something out there....maybe someone to love me?
I cried on my drive home because I was soooooo tired, so disappointed in how my family wouldn't let me help them by having them stay at my home, or always hugging each other kindly as we wonder day to day if our mother will make it or not. I cried because God was still there on the farm after all these years still there in my imagination and yet he changed nothing. This proves my point that we each have life choices to make every single day and God can only watch and we suffer or we thrive is completely 100% up to us, ourselves. I drove home disappointed in discovering no healing powers from the sky above the once lovely farm in my memories. I should of known I would look at those special spots in my past in a completely different way for I have lived and learned praying is only for my own personal sense of self.
The music play as the clouds shined in the moonlight and I suddenly saw my young mother from my first years alive on this earth split in half, her angel wings went up into the dark night and she looked so afraid back down at me saying "I am being split up into pieces!"  I drove steadily on across the freeway as cars began to crowded me as I was getting closer to my own home now. I cried so heavily at this image and this scene above me. "Mommy! Don't loose your wings! Please God don't split her soul! That's not fair! She has to stay whole!?!" I sobbed as the clouds took her far away out of my reach and I knew tomorrow going back to the hospital she will either die in order to not get split up or she will never be the same here on earth..........

The song lyrics whispered "An old mother dies......confusion set in to the baby down the hall."

The whole world is slipping away while being born and alive all over again and again, so I am not the first person to see the splitting of the souls, I am not the first person seeing God in my own imagination when I was exhausted or emotionally tuned in to deeper answers for my trauma and dramas.If we can understand how things work or why then we are not so helpless in our hurting. We don't want to suffer mindlessly, we don't want to think there is nothing more or less about us. I told my husband about the splitting soul image I had in which my mother was now facing, he rolled his eyes shaking his head saying kindly back "I think you really need to sleep now." I laughed back and knew he was right but in my heart I felt like I had been given the truth of what was currently happening to my suffering struggling mother.
That very next day my mother had a blood clot in her breathing tubes hooked up to the machine and I whispered to the sky above "My poor sweet Mommy doesn't want her soul split like this." to look back and see all the things I felt and all the thoughts I had during that time in the high stress, little sleep. My visions, my personal thoughts and feeling were all connected to outer space surrounding me as I wish to find God or the highest form of energy out there to come rescue my mother. She would rescue me when my father was screaming in my face or swinging his leather belt. At least I thought she was, if I had been her though seeing such anger from my husband befall my little children I would of kick him to the curb in a single look of the true fire in my eyes called to protect my own babies above all else, he would be done as a partner for me. He would never be able to react like that again in MY presence.  So the sad fact is my mother was the only person I grow up trusting in my family really even though she was afraid of her own shadow,  I think fear often creates our own personal stories of wishing to be rescued by our parents, even if they are creating that same fear! I thank God every day that my childhood didn't last forever, I praise the universe for allowing me to grow up and finally be safe in my own peaceful walls! At the hospital I longed for the arms of my extended family to come through the doors, realizing suddenly that time in my life had slipped away because now I AM the adult, the one who now does the hugging and the listening. 
It was interesting to me in sharing my split soul story at the time not very many people seemed to understand what I was saying in fact I had 2 friends stop hanging out with me after I shared my whole spiritual experiences of how outer space is in these layers like in our DNA sometimes our soul gets trapped or stuck in it's over all journey in those colorful lines......I have no idea what is really going on out there, I can simply share all I see or think in my wonder and in my wish for everything to be made whole again!

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