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Thursday, May 28, 2015

My Mother

It was a perfect morning yesterday as I got up early, watered all my flower pots on the patio, let my dogs run around and brushed out my cats. I was so happy with my patio sunny and warm but not very hot yet, then I realized I had a voice mail on my very old phone My mother had called saying "Just wondering if you are coming out to see me this week and can you bring coupons to Joanne Fabrics." I smiled at myself wondering what is my mother sewing up or wanting from the craft store?
Since I have been reading a book recently every night before bed called "Warrior Goddess Training" by Heatherash Amara, I have been thinking of what it means to be a Goddess Warrior..... a person of internal peace. 
I recently read a chapter that had me in tears as it spoke directly to me in feeling guilty when you can't help or fix other peoples life as you can fix your own. 

Every single day since my mother's stroke I have struggled in wanting to fix her back, in wanting to show her how to change her life style and be happy again.
It has been a struggle for me in excepting my family as they are and not as I wish them to be. I know that list is long in my wanting everyone to love each other unconditionally, to be there for each other beyond anything else while respectfully listening and loving without fear.
That is what I have always wanted from birth, and it's why I have never fit into their system of chasing money above all else. Of all the millions of moments in disagreeing and attacking each other, holding grudges while hitting and yelling. 

I can't fix a damn thing, I can't change a single second of our past. I can't create a whole new caring and compassionate family. THIS is my greatest sadness of ALL!

It was a perfect morning yesterday because I choose it be to so, because I have the power in my own soul to be peaceful, forgiving and loving. I can drink my coffee on my perfect patio with my little dog in my lap and say to the blue sky above "I am grateful, I am blessed."
The smell of lavender was in the air, the soft radio program played on in my background as I chuckle to myself in the most sweetest thing to watch my other dogs play then lay down in the morning shade. How magical is my own breath? How lucky am I to of found so many great people in my life? How strong am I to give back to my own mother the same love and care she gave me as a baby? When I was a young adult she didn't like me very much, I had out grown her bible stories and constant manipulation. I had began to challenge her to just be my friend as a young woman, I saw so much hesitation and fear in her when I asked "Can't we just be friends?"
When I told her once that the power of love is within her own 2 hands, each morning she can wake up deciding to be a good person or a bad person simply by whatever she chooses to think about. In fact she has been given a great gift to start over every single morning! That really made her mad at me, I wasn't sure why of course from my own mind it was a freeing feeling to take ownership of every word out of my mouth, to be the best I can be for that day. Living in grace means to allow myself growth in life lessons and making mistakes.....I look back at my broken childhood in awe of not being afraid anymore, there is no more hell threatening to destroy me if God is displeased or more importantly IF my parents were displeased! I believe in a Heaven beyond my own magical ways full of awe and inspiration to leave this world a better place for the next generations! I am free from chasing riches here on earth or in my after life. A life lived in love IS the greatest reward and the best place in time. I had such a perfect morning yesterday I called my mother we chatted for 31 minuets, I never thought 4 years ago we would ever be able to do that again! What a miracle! For she has come so far! Even I have come so my love for my mother I have faced so much anger towards her disowning me when I first moved out into my own apartment, because I needed her advice on everything back then I didn't get it for 6 full months, then I realized her homeschooling system was so messed up and I needed to take on my own responsibility for not knowing ANYTHING now a grown adult.  A few more years later and she had nothing to do with my wedding........she called me a FOOL right to my happy smiling face and drove off leaving me stunned and not able to respond. As her car peeled away after she spatted angrily "You have messed up your life, you  are a FOOL." I stood there shocked with no idea why did she SAY that???? Then I whispered watching her go"I still love ya Mom." I felt just like a parent who watches their toddler pout and protest as she drove away fast all crazily.
12 years later from that moment to right now I smile to myself of how powerful her life has been to mine. It's time to just let her be, not keeping hoping to make her happy again but to be her friend first and foremost. I am not sure if any of these family relationships will get better or not, it's not my job to fix anything expect myself, I can only learn as I live to be full of respect and delight in our times together........nothing will ever be actually perfect but I can see how far we have come to being perfectly happy with each other!
My Mother spoke up "I would like to go back to the garden center with you." I replied through the phone happily "Of course as soon as I have time maybe next week, speaking of gardening I am trying to keep the weeds down so my seeds have a fighting chance.....'" the delight in random chit chat topics of all kinds of joyful things made my morning even more perfect! I truly love my mother so much, I love all her knowledge in gardening and cooking, her new self is so honest and easy going our phone call was delightful and timeless, because I no longer worry about upsetting her nor do I struggle in how to say No to her.....I have come a long ways in learning all about my mother. I have began to embrace my spiritual balance in accepting her just as she is and not as I wish her to be.....I will always beg the universe to show her mercy of course! I will always hope for her happiness to come back and for her paralyzed arm and foot to move again and I will still take her out into the world with me but I won't wear my own self out in trying to be everything she needs at once, I won't keep trying to teach her how to forgive her husband and sons when they upset her......I won't pretend that we are a loving family now, I will just be.
In learning to just be and let go of all the events in my past that I wish to relive differently, or explain in greater details I have come out of my dark tunnel of grief and helplessness. Now my mother lives to survive another day, she isn't soul searching her past nor realizing that she once said judgmental things to me because it was just apart of her religion, her mission to prove to God she loved him more then she loved her worked of course, God won my mother's heart above all else even to this day actually when we talk about it in person she says "I gave my life to God completely, why would he strike me down with a stroke?" I would shrug back knowing it's not my place to b the teacher instead I should just shut up and listen to her.
Of course NOW in my life I simply tip my hat to the sky wherever God is, I say with a smirk "You may have her loyalty, but I can make her laugh over the phone, and I'm good with that."

It was a perfect morning yesterday, I sat awhile in pure happiness that my mother was doing so good to keep on the phone for awhile........

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