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Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Mother Nature

            The wild life all around us is truly so beautiful and when I am feeling overwhelmed or deeply emotional I sit in such nature to think and to let myself grow.
Grief and loss is never going to leave me I have come to realize now, I have always said "It's how you choose to LIVE with such pain that counts." But it's another thing to struggle on in honestly facing HOW does one LIVE with a constant sense of loss??? My best friend Benny was someone I called on the phone daily or weekly, we sometimes talked for a couple of hours or just for a couple of minuets....She knew how to share with me what she was thinking very naturally, while also listening to me vent or talk about my life. So when my life feels stressful or crazy with funny stories about my husband or pets I have to stop myself from thinking "I should call Benny and tell her about this!" having that kind of sisterhood was a huge part of my life that now 2 years later Benny's death is a constant fact of how I can never go back. It was so nice to have her in my life in more ways I never realized until I arrive to this day and look back sadly wishing to hear her say "Hey There Debster, what's up?" Siting in the park, walking the green belt along the Boise River in the mid morning sunshine, I chit chat with her in my mind and as the birds sing, as the squirrels run by I can feel my soul healing still, my helpless trapped feeling lessen and my wonder for the world come alive all around me. I will live on in all these layers of emotions, in all these thoughts I have to work out without her input. Mother Nature is my teacher for all the magic of beauty that surrounds me, she is the comfort I need in moments that flare up of my frustration over missing my best friend.

Benny said "I don't have a friend like you back home, I was realizing this the other day that no one new in my life knows me like you do and I am just so grateful for how you are always so happy to see me and how you stop your life just to hang out whenever I swing into town." I laughed back at her nodding "We are grown ups now so making new friends with such history takes time and risk in judgement or knowing you will never have to worry with me is truly so nice! I will ALWAYS stop my life to see ya for THAT is what best friends are for!" 

I walked over the bridge to stop looking out at the fast moving Boise river, Mother Nature is pure BEAUTY! Time holds still for no one but when you share your life along side good friends then it feels like such beauty will never end! The ducks flew in to float in the water and I smiled wiping my sad eyes for I am grateful to have all my little moments and memories, to have all my conversations and inspiration as I seek out such warm comfort from Mother nature herself at any time of the day that I need her help to heal and learn as I go!

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