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Friday, November 21, 2014

Behind the scene in listening

  Whenever I am with my mother I think of how special it is that I can still talk to her, if she had died during her stroke I wouldn't be listening to all of her ideas and memories now. I wouldn't have this new depth to all the facts from her point of view of the past. She is sharing with me such an honest reality to my own life. Sometime when I am listening to her I think to myself "Whoa, this is way to personal for me to handle." Then I sit there listening more thinking "This is actually why I am here. To simply listen and take with me the better understanding of who she is and how it ALL explains why I am."

 Whenever I am with my mother I make sure that I am in good healthy, that I am in happy spirits and  focused on pure love. This helps me be a better listener, a better care giver for all her many needs and many emotional stories. I am in awe now just how I would of loved all these conversations with her BEFORE her stroke. That was never possible, she was very guarded and very preachy towards me. She judged me and corrected me all the time as we met for lunch or shopping as I so eagerly shared my adult life with her. I never gave up on trying for that friendship we never had when I was a kid. So now as she rides in her wheel chair talking non-stop because she is excited to be out and about in the mall I walk in pure peace and joy for all I can listen to. These days will be gone faster then anyone wants to admit......I always knew my time with her was limited so I better make it right. I better try my best at being there when I can even if she didn't act the way I wished she would. I grew up with her crying at the drop of a hat and blaming my father for her unhappiness, so by the time I was 19 and my sister ran away from home I didn't take it personal when she would come to me saying I was a horrible sister. Then she would turn around asking me if she had been a good mother I would try to be honest then she burst into thousands of tears to which left me looking up the sky thinking "Oh brother..."   Who she was is why I am as different from her, now as I walk with her  on the quad cane or push her in the wheel chair, or as I help her to the restroom and cut up her food small enough not to choke. I think how grateful deeply that I am, how very sad it all is in seeing her suffer so much, how sad in being helpless to make everything good again for her. I have learn to not take it personal long ago when she blamed me for her frustrations. Because this story is bigger then just my thoughts and opinion, I've been saying "It's not about me, it's about making my mother happy and feeling loved again." to which some people roll their eyes at me and I chuckle knowing that out look sounds showy. Yet it's that outlook I have carried in my heart for all these years that allows me to return to my mother on my own free will to help her maybe even if that just means I sit listening. As I grow older I grow calmer in who I am and this is made known more in depth because my mother shares and needs someone to listen to her. There is such a peace in realizing I don't need to speak up or reply, I can't fix her life or change her mind in ways I see so clearly need to be handled.....I will listen with joy that I can, I will be by her side when I know it will comfort her and I will always take to heart that these were the days that gave me all the behind scenes in the stories of my life!  I love sitting in the park on my own to practice listening better, the ducks and geese remind me how small I am and how this story called life is magically HUGE grasping the understanding of who my mother is and how I was raised is simply a stone laying in the pond. I listen because I love.........because I never want to stop learning more!

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