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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Behind the Pain

It has been a long journey in recovery for my mother and really that idea in recovering is more honestly not ever going to happen. She will be forever mentally challenged now, she will be consumed with her self in struggling with all her pain and limited mobility.
She has good and bad days, she has good and bad moods I've been watching her from day one in how to bring a smile on her face then I consider that the best day ever!
I don't care what she believes in or how she thinks towards God for all that is her own personal journey not mine. I simply appreciate seeing her when I can and loving all her honesty in conversations. It hurts us all to see her in so much pain trying to walk or trying to live again. She can be so adorable in acting like a little sweet girl, then she can make ya laugh as the Grandma she really is.....yet she can become confused and pouting very quickly when not getting what she wanted, when also feeling trapped in her body leaving her helplessly frustrated. There is so much pain for her that at time she can get very mean and very selfish. I have always kept this in front of my mind when handling her or taking her out to lunch. I often negotiate with her when she is challenging or determined to get what she wants, I bring our conversation around with reasoning and choices so she feel empowered to change her own mind while feeling really good being out and about! Example; while shopping Mom reaches for a pillow sham "I want this, get 2 of them." I stop rolling her wheel chair "Shouldn't we also get the matching blanket set? I think that will run 200 dollars for everything maybe we should you really NEED it right now?" Mom exclaimed "200 dollars!?! NO that is crazy! Where's the clearance rack?" I put the pillow shams back happy that my Dad isn't going to kill me for silly purchases as fact the whole shopping time keeps me on my toes in always saying "Yes." first then adding in doubt or reason to why she wants to buy the item before us. 9 times out of 10 I can get her to change her mind completely on her own leaving her so happy and proud by her purchases. The pain of her life, the struggles she faces everyday makes her not care at all for the price tag on anything if she is hurting shopping distracts her and makes her feel good again. In her mind it is all justified that life is short she better buy it right now or later feel sad that she passed up such a good deal or a good sale.  A little over a  year ago I lived through one of the most painful days of my whole life apart from when my mother had her stroke of course, my best friend died. I was deeply dark and sad inside full of pain. I kept my word in seeing my Mother 2 days later and I noticed a huge shift in my focus while being with her. I was walking into walls and doors at the mall, I was lost easily confused at the book store with her while she grabbed every book she could reach to buy. I was in over my head I realized by my raw painful insides.
For when I had arrived to her cottage that early morning I shared my sad story with her knowing she would only care about going shopping so I wouldn't take her actions personal, My brother Davey however gave me a big hug as I teared explaining "I have some sad news, remember Benny? My best friend? Well... she died on Wednesday." I didn't cry or choke just felt dazed as my mother responded "Oh I thought your sad news was you were moving away and I was really scared that you wouldn't come around anymore." I chuckled at the adorable wide eyed look on my mother laying in bed and put my sad story aside for later. The whole day was extremely hard on me as Mom demanded to buy a dozen brand new books or go to Wal-mart (the store I hate the most) as I made jokes and cheerful dialogue pointing out how Wal-mart is so handicap friendly that I am glad to help her get her important items bought I felt the endless aching pain running through my blood of loss and sadness no fake smile could keep me from wanting to just scream at the whole world in my personal struggle. I noticed after snapping at my mother's ridiculous request she paused to look at me in surprise "You sound just like your Father, he never wants to go to more then one place at a time." I giggled at myself knowing my snapping out at her was bugging her when usually I always say "Yes, lets swing in there and take a look." but after 2 places that day I was wearing thin being already very damaged inside with my bleeding heart of such personal pain. I replied back to Mom "I think Dad wears out faster then you when it comes to shopping, I will be honest with ya Mom today is the worse day for me to care for ya...forgive me if I snap or just say NO to you because I do not have the right strength in being here." Mom snorted as we head home against her will, saying "No one is in as much pain as I AM. I can't even move my arm or leg so your father should just be grateful he can STILL drive." I nodded thoughtfully explaining "Loosing my best friend so suddenly has me all upside down right now...I need to go home now. I need to head out tomorrow to see Benny's kids and most importantly I need to come back to you next time in a better mindset I think..." Mom kept pouting on the early drive home in that late afternoon and I knew it was best to stay positive with her by saying in a few weeks how I will be back again for much better day together. She commented thoughtfully "I wonder if I had just died that it would of been much easier then this...." I felt warm tears fill my eyes as I explained "That is why we say "Rest in Peace" we hope they are for it is US who still live who have to carry all the pain." Mom replied "We never went to Win-co today I wanted those yogurt cups." I choked on my emotional laughter bringing me back from my own thoughts of death as I smiled at her reminding me the most important fact of all is how LIFE will always move on....

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