Beautiful Women

 Is it always an issue with women the fact they feel "fat" or "exposed" in their skin, in their weight? I had to deal with this issue at 16 years old when I clearly saw how much bigger I was then most everyone else. Is it so important to remember when I began buying body shaping underwear and thick tights that were sucking in my hips and stomach? Now I realize that I was struggling mostly with depression at 16, I simply wanted to fall asleep and never wake up again. I remember that all very clearly as the hardest year of my life. Along with that outlook of sadness came the heavy eating and gaining weight in hopes to find comfort. Once I began to find hope and happiness after my struggling I saw that I lost the extra pounds, but not through any real eating education or dieting. When I got chubby again closer to being 20 years old, I was simply unhappy inside, I also remember my mother kept asking me to loose weight with her in some kind of diet. I chuckle NOW remembering my mother saying "We both need to go on a diet, I can get away with this extra weight for I am already married BUT YOU need to still catch a husband." I would just rolled my eyes at the time feeling once again noticeably fat..... but when I finally reached 24 years old (after dealing with so much emotional baggage at the time) I had resolved to always be a big curvy woman and live peacefully on hoping to look more like Marylin Monroe! 
Women need to know that NO MATTER what size they are, no matter how society displays them or judges them...They are women, THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! Knowing this in our hearts and souls will bring out such freedom and happiness in everything we do:-) I loved that I had the kind of mother to challenge me so early on as I grew up, I have come to understand that she meant well even if her words were harsh at time. If I hadn't been challenged then I wouldn't have found my true value, my strong confidence and ability to just be ME.....big or small I am apart of all the beautiful women out there today! LIVE STRONG IN THE BODY and most importantly love the skin you are in <3

Girls Club

Last year I was apart of a book club with my mother-in-law Jo Anne and we called ourselves the BCB, Book Club Bitches. I learned so much about the joy in being with women, being in discussions on books, dramas and simply life. My mother-in-law is truly fun to hang out with, she adds magical sparks to any gathering and in a room full of friends she shines!

I have called her Mom since I was 20 years old, AND she has been there for everything while she has a passion in supporting/protecting her family no matter what! (She makes me truly PROUD) I love how beautiful she is, how confident and out going. I love how close she is to my husband Tony, it makes me very happy to see such a good friendship in their mother and son relationship.

Being in this Girls Club with everyone from our old book club, We meet up once a month again only now we are doing fun projects as a group or visiting everyone's home for treats, wine and chatting it all up! 

(Our first party was a surprise to Mom as we celebrated her turning 50 this year...it was AWESOME)

The older I get the more I love how women become friends and have each others back, when you get a group of women gathered sometimes there can be showy games or computation but I don't see that in these ladies or maybe more importantly I don't live like that in myself. SO I see instead this truly beautiful group, FULL of wonderful, magical friends! We are of all ages and of all styles, I am in awe to have such a place to go once a month to laugh or cry, to listen or share with my most favorite part of all.....to give and get many HUGS! 

Cheers to my Girls Club and the FUN with my Mama Jojo!

Get some Fun Ideas!

  This morning started out with delicious breakfast treat from my second mother-in-law Teresa, we enjoyed our lattes before we head down to the Boise Flower and Garden Show. 

I have so many great new ideas for my garden and backyard paradise this spring now! The show room full of specialty orchids were really amazing to observe, the booths of demos and the landscaping features made the whole show really fun to shop! Like I said the place is full of fun ideas, I enjoyed the fairy garden created by an 11 year old thinking it's a place to really capture your imagination!  

First Day of Spring?

When I go out to my mother's cottage once a week I try to set up some good foods and things to do. I know I won't always be able to hang out like I do right now with her. However I am glad to see her and check up with how her physical therapies are going or how she is feeling. I have seen all kinds of moods and heard all kinds of thoughts she has had in the last winter months. So yesterday when it as snowing I was confusingly thinking "Isn't this the FIRST day of SPRING???" My childhood farm was covered in white fluffy snow and the mist of snow flakes made it miserable to even walk outside. I did make my teenaged brothers smile when I greeted them with a MERRY CHRISTMAS! Instead of a GOOD MORNING. I like the morning time when we all sit around the kitchen table as I cook eggs and bacon. (If only there was french press of coffee then it would almost be a perfect meal.) It was a cozy good time to get their sweet old dog Chanel to lay on my sweater inside the cottage door resting and happily watching me  in the kitchen. I baked some peanut butter cookies and setup the dinner meal. I like leaving in the evening knowing they had something cooked and ready for dinner. While I knitted and my mother napped, I sat thinking of how worn out I am feeling and how cold it was outside. This isn't the first day of spring to me at all, It has been fun watching Mom's cottage take on a home like feel as every week they bring over more furniture or books. The other house is also changing becoming more like storage. I am glad their dog is welcomed over there at night, I know they might not always listen to me when I advise how to care for their dog, but when I am there I can check in on her just like caring for my mother...Everyone else would like to just care for themselves. In understanding this I have grown and changed myself, I have a deep motherly heart and I also have a long list of things to teach or hope my teenaged brothers would do. Now after all my struggles and self  awareness these past few months in how I can't really be so mothering without annoying or smothering these teenaged boys who seem to enjoy taking care of our mother. I am glad to just pet that old sweet dog and visit with my mother in my full day there. 

Mom sat in her wheel chair drinking her hot water and eating breakfast as I continued to cook the eggs for the boys yesterday morning as the snow blew all around outside. "I had such a fun weekend helping Tiffany out at the Renascence fair for kids." My Mom looked surprise "I always thought you would of had life long friends like her, Jen and Rebekah." I chuckled explaining "WELL I do, I mean we are...It is easy to take time away from friends when life like kids or a job takes over, but we have never stop being friends, so you guessed right." Mom sighed "I mean that you girls would have families TOGETHER and never stop hanging out." I smiled thoughtfully explaining "We do have families together, I am going to share my dogs with Tiff's kids sometimes and we watch out for each other. And I never have stopped hanging out with any of them, I love being around and meeting up if they ask me soooooo for my part we are always going to be friends, what was magical is seeing how we have grown up and changed, how we have this new respect towards each other for that important part in our young life we all shared back then." My mom was quiet for moment then said "I am referring to you girls staying together in the same church." I smiled already knowing this in my reply "I know." Mom looked annoyingly around the room as I stopped cooking the eggs to bring my mother back from her aggression. I sat so she could see me as I smiled cheerfully saying "It's magical how much I have changed too, because now I respect people from all faiths, from all kinds of churches if that is their thing. Having that kind of respect helps never to close the door on a friendship so I think of it like I never went without friends just spent time away from each other and when we come back together we are better even more kind to one another." Mom nodded and said she is amazed how her friends come to visit her and how she wouldn't have thought they would ever do that. I went back to finishing my cooking thinking to myself in this first day of spring I was right where I was meant to be even if its not always easy......

Mixed Bag Bazaar

  There is a shop, a store only a block away from my home that I have discovered this last summer as I saw the festive booths and rainbow color displays driving home one Saturday afternoon I decided that it would be a wonderful store to check out and after walking there every week this winter I have discovered 2 new friends Amy and Michelle, delightful sweet ladies with their adorable dog name Totem. In this store I am always finding clothes or jewelry, kitchen tools and classic books to bring home. They carry almost everything from local art work to different rocks, stones and wood carvings. I just love the different themes while browsing around for it feels like walking into someone's home, welcoming, laid back, and full of friends just as any home should really be...With new people to meet while discussing all types of topics this store feels like a community, a place to discover hidden treasures like in a wall of books to read or among the hanging second hand clothes...I am always finding something to wear! Whenever my life seems a bit sad or a bit confusing I take a walk in the afternoon to a place where I can visit while delighting in the special little things around me. Whenever I am happy or just want to hug their dog I look forward to getting over to their cozy little shop! Life is amazing in all the levels it brings us along, taking a moment to step into another world full of  magical connections is what all stores should be like!

  Soooo if you are ever over at my house for a latte or cup of coffee we shall walk in the warm sunshine to my most favorite place in Boise Idaho to shop! 
The Mixed Bag Bazaar!

Crocheting

 Crocheting is one of those things I could never get myself to grasp but after yesterday when My dear sweet Mother-in-law Teresa taught me step by step how to... and well after a million corrections..... I got it down! How funny it was that I kept wanting to knit instead, I am really excited to make many more things from crocheting! Where as in knitting if my needles fall the whole thing can come undone but in my crocheting I can see it all staying together better, (so interesting to me) We had our lattes and afternoon radio programs going as we sat crocheting together.....So often I have noticed doing projects like these is much easier when you are sharing that time with someone else. We also enjoyed a break in all the rain we've been having to walk over to my favorite new store "Mixed Bag Bazaar" In that store you find  all kinds of things (I discovered a wild fun skirt for just a dollar!) 

When I have days like that so peaceful and perfect it reminds me of  the life I have built, what kind of person I am and how lucky each day is to live in! Teresa is truly so beautiful and simply happy in herself that it makes me just love her! Teaching me to crochet took some time but she has endless patience so I think I got it down now and I will share pictures of my first project once I get it completed:-) Once again and I know I say this ALL the time but its ever so true "THERE'S a whole world of knowledge awaiting us every day! Never stop learning!"

Shower Time

Yesterday I was hanging out with my mom, I go once a week for a full day. It's been getting better in how my mother feels or how my teenaged brothers handle this new life style. I know it could take years before we are all able to live along with this outcome. My mother's stroke was so traumatic that it left us all trying to put the pieces back together. It is amazing how I have changed in among all of this, how I have learned more about my family, my parents and my own personal issues. None of this is ever going to be easy, it's never going to be the same no matter how I look at it. With my mother often she will tell a story of how she feels that will make her upset and I will encourage her to change that same story.....Like instead of saying "No one will let me walk around." say "I need some help in walking around." It the same thing only a different outlook. I need to take my own advice more times then not after being out all day with my family I start telling a story of how hard it is on everyone even their dog. Then I have to stop and rethink that story to how happy I was to be able to love on my mom and even her dog! The same issues change with a different outlook, the story I want out of my own life is one of delighted hope. If I can give this same hope to my mother right now then that is better to believe in instead of trying to heal her and have her walk again on her own. Yesterday while mom had her hot shower I enjoyed the stories she was sharing about her life, she always visits happily over soap suds while relaxing in her shower chair. I usually get soaked too scrubbing her feet and legs but I then just kick back for her to simply enjoy the water my life is on pause these days are just for her own time....and I like not hurrying through it. I even pulled up her wheel chair to sit back while we talked through her shower water. Mom looked at me with her wide blue eyes explaining "I am not sure how I can hold a baby right now with only one arm....If I get pregnant then these meds would have to end instantly so I can care better for my baby." It was one of those sweet moments where I nodded smiling at mom reassuring her if that happened we would get her a nanny so no need to worry on about it so. But it also reminded me of who my mother is, a woman so greatly in love with babies that even after all of this struggle with her sight and being paralyzed she wants to be ready in case she has more babies. I know most everyone else would say that wouldn't ever happen but I don't see the need to correct her for this is who she likes to be, likes to think about being a mom with many babies.....Each time I spend with my mom I think about how I can cheer her up or let her talk about anything she wants. It is important to me in getting her out where she wants to go or fixing foods that would help her feel better. Our shower time is always sweet to me because we often have good laughs or like yesterday the shower head blasted water onto me and I squealed jumping around trying to fix it. Mom giggled and I realized it had been a while since she laughed like that! I would have done it again just to get that cute response from her! I know I spend quite a bit of time thinking about my mother, I know that it is emotionally hard on me no matter what story I tell myself, I also know that being honest with everything is the best way for me to heal and grow along with living with this change. We have always been so different my mother and I, we have always struggled in getting along or understanding each other. So now after everything I realize that even with her ideas on things that I don't agree with are for what it is worth her own. I am at peace with what she may say towards me because it isn't for me to judge, to correct or to change. It is far more important to have a good laugh or soft hug then to think we have to represent each other in some way.......NOW if only I can learn this with EVERYONE in my life.....perhaps it's easiest with my mother for she had a stroke and she was a place of rescue when I was growing up? Either way I hope I am on my way to calming down my past history so that the future is clear.

Let's make the most of this beautiful day...

I really enjoy being a homemaker right now in my life. I still remember when I quit working Starbucks a few years ago I felt restless and confused in my open free schedule at that time....So I re-painted my whole condo from top to bottom. Then I wondered if all those long afternoon hours in the park were for my dog or for me? I finally, slowly, became comfortable in being a homemaker. In our society when we meet someone the intro questions are as follows; "Where are you from?" and "Where do you work?" I could greet and chat it up easily with anyone but once they asked me where I worked I would stutter and sly away from a direct simple answer. It has been a few years now so the fact I can say with a proud smile I am a homemaker makes me realize I have grown in my identity of a job title. I have worked all kinds of jobs, nothing to be ashamed of over. But for me to just say I am a homemaker was an odd sense of freedom and joy while realizing people might not know what that is actually.....

I really love being in my cottage, being with my pets and husband. Not having a job has allowed me to fit into events and schedules that my husband needs me to join him in....while also allowing me to train my dogs in getting along, getting exercise.  Yesterday when I put a vase of flowers in my living room window I thought my home is my reflection of my heart, simply beautiful and calm! I love all kinds of things there are to learn as a Homemaker, it is the kind of job that creatively never ends. Some people freak out over doing the same chores, or being home long enough to scrub the shower down twice in an afternoon. But I really don't mind these things, I find a steady calmness in doing laundry and creating dinner. When I go out into my yard or for a walk I think of all the time in one day, how amazingly some days are busier then others but I still can get it all done. The smile on my relaxing hubby's face when I bring him breakfast on the weekends and the snoring of my pets when they are napping after the few hours in the dog park sun light. I step back and look at all of this, all of this in my home. For I am in awe over the long list of all things I love! Having a simple life doesn't mean I am simple minded it means I have found my place in this world, in this time of history. I know I will not always be here on earth but what I can touch I can create and leave better then when I found it. Homemakers have always been around, like fairies with wands taking a empty building structure into their magical sight and creating a real place called home!

Won't You be my Nieghbor?

How lucky we are to live in such a calm respectful neighborhood? I ask myself today. For I truly love my neighbor's chickens, love all the space on my patio, adore the fire pit too. I love the big trees, the cute cottage homes down our street, this big open blue sky! In this bit of space on earth I can see all that I love within a second of pausing to be grateful for it! AND I love all my neighbors too! One sweet lady whose big huge garden is sharing my backyard fence happens to have become my very dear friend so quickly! I see her almost everyday now and enjoy our long conversations and lazy moments over tea. When she first came home from the hospital I helped her out twice a day for the things she needed. Then she grew stronger to be more independent, so now I just get her groceries and share my dogs for her to pet. She has been living in this neighborhood over 50 years, now at the age of 80 she can tell you a good story about anything and I am so happy to listen, to learn and be apart of her life! I hope to be just as out going and friendly as she is when I reach her beautiful age. I ask gardening questions and listen to all she has growing outside right now, from clever cats to adorable dogs her stories can make me laugh till I cry sometimes! With my long afternoons visiting or short pop-ins, I enjoy our time together! We were very surprised the other day to watch the neighbor across the street feeding a pig on her balcony! Oh how we laughed at that, from our neighbor Alex and his chickens to this fatty pig across the street to the row of houses with all their dogs even loose adventurous cats. Our neighborhood is truly miraculously FULL of life! Now I haven't been here for a whole year yet but having such a delightful neighbor such as Bernice makes everything around me truly amazing! How lucky am I? I still ask this every morning with a strong smile.......

I was walking out my back yard door with an empty box as the last 2 days was nothing but boxes and moving in. I glanced up to see a lady with curly white hair petting my dog at the end gate of this huge backyard. I didn't waste a second introducing myself as I skipped along in my brown skirt and red t-shirt. "Hi There! You must be Bernice from next door? I really LOVE your place it's so adorable!" I smiled big against the late morning sunshine. Bernice looked at me in true surprise that I would know her name as she let me follow her along the path to our irrigation water. Bernice smiled back at me saying "You seem like a very responsible person right away AND in flood irrigating takes responsibility." I knew I was going to like her instantly! We walked past some chickens as she explained never leave the grates open or something can get to the chickens. "How truly wonderful to live next door to chickens!" I said in a wistful way as Bernice chuckled replying as we trucked through over grown vines and weeds, "Oh Alex's own them but he travels the world so they kinda just live walking all around." I instantly caught Bernice at that moment as she almost tripped over a another vine root. I smiled kindly not to embarrass her as we steadied ourselves again while I stood  thinking when I came back through I would clean up this crazy path! Talking to Bernice about our surrounding neighbors and pets was the moment I knew that finally I had found myself a real home! Bernice saw her backyard flooding with water and I gladly walked her through my home, "How nice of you to let me cut across." She said with a sweet smile and I even gave her a small hug at the door "Of course any time and if you need anything just let me know!" I said back with a wave while humming through out my cozy cottage afterwords that Mr. Roger's neighborhood theme song:-)

Remembering to say Goodbye

                   On the morning of Linda's funeral I was filled with such sadness and weariness. It was going to take some mental awareness and strong support within myself to go see the faces of my past, of my younger life. I had always loved Linda and her husband Norman for their sweet kindness, their many memories and good conversations. When I had moved out of Caldwell I saw them less and less until I wasn't sure even where their new home was. But back in those days of getting ready for my wedding they happily set in as my parents for the ceremony. They were the kind of friends and parents that anyone could be so proud to have and even though I was just "borrowing" them, they treated me like one of their own to this day I will be honored and blessed for it. My best friend Benny arrived that late morning to attend this sad goodbye event and I was honored to be able to sit with her. We have always stayed close, and Her friendship with Linda was one I felt happy to be apart of! For I loved to listen to them chat back and forth or share the depths of their hearts. I somehow was realizing it was honor to be in their company again after all these years as Linda was the mothering sweet soul most of us didn't get from our own homes growing up. Her fight with cancer took me by such surprise, I really struggled in being forced to let her go and not keep picturing her at the kitchen table with some home made foods. In my memory I treasure it all, everything she ever said to me as I was a young hot headed woman jaded by religion, by family and even some of my friends. If I cried Linda would hugged me and if I shouted she would nod with a calm understanding smile. If I complained or vented she would share what she noticed, what she thought and how it was all connected. I like looking back in time when I can see her and be there again. During the viewing I stood there thinking to myself  "She isn't here, I am still looking for her." As I touched her cold hand for a quick second and thought once again "It's not her, this isn't right she should be here."  I think it's important to realize this or else being laid to rest would not be so restful for us still living. We would cling to our human bodies that house our life force, our soul, in such unhealthy ways. It is meant to be like this as I paid my respects, thinking that as our bodies lay silent once we leave them, we are truly gone. It is meant to be the best way to let go..... I know Linda loved her family and will be surrounding them forever in her spirit and I also know that I am honored to have had such a friend like her!

Bursting into Season

I have been lost in my life time of memories, lost in thoughts about what is important to me and what am I to do next in my life......I have been lost in grief, in saying goodbye to an old friend but also lost in myself. I have centered my time around my pets, my home and my readings. I have laid out in the sun shine or curled up in a warm blanket as it snows outside lost in tears or in a smile. My husband said not writing is worrying him about me.....I guess when I would try I would get lost again some where else off the page, off the connection to my blog. I am coming back with a new load of stories naturally! Yesterday I planted seed starters and realize it symbolizes my own re-birth into my soul. I am ready to come back to the living while honoring those deaths that follow in our hearts. I planted a flat of Swiss chard for I hope to grow a field of greens so much that it even goes to the rabbits!