Yesterday I was hanging out with my mom, I go once a week for a full day. It's been getting better in how my mother feels or how my teenaged brothers handle this new life style. I know it could take years before we are all able to live along with this outcome. My mother's stroke was so traumatic that it left us all trying to put the pieces back together. It is amazing how I have changed in among all of this, how I have learned more about my family, my parents and my own personal issues. None of this is ever going to be easy, it's never going to be the same no matter how I look at it. With my mother often she will tell a story of how she feels that will make her upset and I will encourage her to change that same story.....Like instead of saying "No one will let me walk around." say "I need some help in walking around." It the same thing only a different outlook. I need to take my own advice more times then not after being out all day with my family I start telling a story of how hard it is on everyone even their dog. Then I have to stop and rethink that story to how happy I was to be able to love on my mom and even her dog! The same issues change with a different outlook, the story I want out of my own life is one of delighted hope. If I can give this same hope to my mother right now then that is better to believe in instead of trying to heal her and have her walk again on her own. Yesterday while mom had her hot shower I enjoyed the stories she was sharing about her life, she always visits happily over soap suds while relaxing in her shower chair. I usually get soaked too scrubbing her feet and legs but I then just kick back for her to simply enjoy the water my life is on pause these days are just for her own time....and I like not hurrying through it. I even pulled up her wheel chair to sit back while we talked through her shower water. Mom looked at me with her wide blue eyes explaining "I am not sure how I can hold a baby right now with only one arm....If I get pregnant then these meds would have to end instantly so I can care better for my baby." It was one of those sweet moments where I nodded smiling at mom reassuring her if that happened we would get her a nanny so no need to worry on about it so. But it also reminded me of who my mother is, a woman so greatly in love with babies that even after all of this struggle with her sight and being paralyzed she wants to be ready in case she has more babies. I know most everyone else would say that wouldn't ever happen but I don't see the need to correct her for this is who she likes to be, likes to think about being a mom with many babies.....Each time I spend with my mom I think about how I can cheer her up or let her talk about anything she wants. It is important to me in getting her out where she wants to go or fixing foods that would help her feel better. Our shower time is always sweet to me because we often have good laughs or like yesterday the shower head blasted water onto me and I squealed jumping around trying to fix it. Mom giggled and I realized it had been a while since she laughed like that! I would have done it again just to get that cute response from her! I know I spend quite a bit of time thinking about my mother, I know that it is emotionally hard on me no matter what story I tell myself, I also know that being honest with everything is the best way for me to heal and grow along with living with this change. We have always been so different my mother and I, we have always struggled in getting along or understanding each other. So now after everything I realize that even with her ideas on things that I don't agree with are for what it is worth her own. I am at peace with what she may say towards me because it isn't for me to judge, to correct or to change. It is far more important to have a good laugh or soft hug then to think we have to represent each other in some way.......NOW if only I can learn this with EVERYONE in my life.....perhaps it's easiest with my mother for she had a stroke and she was a place of rescue when I was growing up? Either way I hope I am on my way to calming down my past history so that the future is clear.
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