After Life – An Answer to Nihilism

I adore Like stories of Old, it's one of my most favorite YOUTUBE channels, because of the profound topics it captures.

I watched "After Life." and I cried,I also laughed some,yet I paused quite a bit through out the show too...
I had to wonder, to ask myself if I could relate in some way?
I am not a negative person, I will never be so down that I can't get back up.
If I die sooner then my elderly time it will be by complete accident and never on purpose. 
I know and I understand this about myself....

Yet while watching this show I wondered why is this so deeply dark, down and hard to watch for me?
Am I being triggered back into my own painful loss again or is it always with me as this show reminds me of my last 2 years struggling to find my way in my new home, I don't want a life without my brother Derek and yet that is exactly what I have......
I am waking up from the fog of grief and I am changed, never ever the same person. I don't get to come back from this.

No matter what the future holds I will know my own great loss has made me real, has made me stronger for what I wish that I had never lived through.....

I have learned that by doing good for others I escape from the not so good done unto me, ....and in the end the not good is not really important. 
I see the greater good is a much bigger picture so I hope to hold my own and do my part.
I love that good memories, good stories and good times are what fills my mind when I am grieving, when I am so sad.

I like seeing shows reveal this truth, this desire we all have in the end to find peace without belittling or judging our journey along the way....

The life of the stage

Over these years I have deeply loved Idaho Shakespeare Festival! 

(It was hard to not be able to attend the plays while my husband was in law school)

The stage is outside under the wide open sky! 

When I am there I enter a whole new world of wonder!

When I clap or laugh I feel so alive in being apart of something deeply profound and truly spectacular! 

This past Sunday I was happy to join my step-mother-in-law Teresa and my sister-in-law Stephanie for the amazing play called

 "The Music Man."

We shared our treats and drinks, snuggled in closely directly in front of the stage as the whole night was completely magical!

The story of the music man was inspiring and uplifting, the night had such perfect weather surrounding us too!

While I watched the play unfold and the sets move along the summer sky I felt so at ease, simply grateful to sit there taking it all in!

I have 2 very amazing women in my family, They are encouraging, supportive and fun to be with!

The life of the stage is a great way to be together as summer comes to a close way to soon!

Life in songs

I love singing, I love music as I have mentioned before....
Yet it's the singing that helps me focus my feelings, my emotions and my story in living.

I love the radio playing while I am driving yet lately I have had it turned off because it was playing a sad song when I had my panic attack recently....

I thought I had the psychological steps down in handling my panic attacks for they had lessen and I felt more in control then as the music played, as a few days after my big family BBQ I was hit by such powerful painful grief and fear.

I had never experienced anything like this before......

In this anxiety attack, emotional outburst and panicking I had no warning it was coming upon me until I slid through a red light intersection with cars slamming on their brakes and swinging around me as I realized I had been somewhere else completely.

Shaking, sobbing and surrendering to the fact that the older I get the less I understand about the emotional world.

Connecting to the world around me as it is not as it once was helps me stay steady.
Seeing my counselors, doing evaluation tests and practicing coping skills has been filling my days right now in trying to live a safer life.

I love singing out loud in the safe place of my home, if I cry or if I write I feel like it all makes sense somehow.....yet when I go out into society I realize it's not always easy.

That's why I sing while I shop too, self soothing is just as important as connecting.

Life of the home

    

   Today is the first of September which means it has been 2 years since we woke up in this home, I am in awe of how good it all looks, of how I am fixing things and changing things while simply enjoying this quiet neighborhood.

My husband loves having company over because he is very proud of our place.

He likes the garage protection when it's raining and we still have groceries to carry inside.

He loves the AC and the office window looking out into a lovely front yard.

He says it all the time that this is his most favorite home we have ever lived in.

He is right, it is the best place we have ever been.

I spend a lot of time in the home stores, reading about lawn care, ceiling fans, garage storage and finding the tools I need to fix up the place. I like taking such good care of this place, after 2 years it looks so lovely!

I am proud of my guest room and of having the kittens enjoy the bonus room.

It's important to me in keeping this home looking great and so I loose myself for hours in hardware stores, garden centers and I am often left chatting away to the memory of my brother Derek as I ask him "What color do you like or is this a good brand to buy?" 

2 years ago on this morning I woke up to see such bright sunshine coming into the kitchen, where he once stood cooking away for our family.

So in living here among his stuff, his home and his mail. I never get tired of seeing his things mixed in with mine. I am using my time in this home to help it shine!

It doesn't feel like 2 years.....

The life of Pets

I am loving these last days of summer with 2 kittens that have double in size since they came to live with us the first of August.

I am living the dream in walking Oscar every morning in his summer time grooming, in his all healed paw and better health. We take afternoon naps in the shade of the backyard, or on the bed with Tinker. She is eating 4 times a day now, she looks better for being an old cat.

I am proud of Lewis for always sleeping outside in his patio bed that is up high and covered for safety. He cuddles with Jazzy so often, then comes inside for breakfast and attention. He has been nice to the kittens as they meet, as the kittens run right by him and he wanders back outside looking revealed to not have to "babysit."

   

Jazzy is far more pissed off at the kittens right now, she was acting all nice at first then something snapped in her while the little kitties grew up a bit more and she is acting like they need to learn she is in charge around here. I love my cuddle clever Jazzy yet I've had to grab her just she swipes at Dory and Marlin. It'll take some time for her to be relax around our new family members.

    I love that I can be here all the time in training, in feeding and in giving all the pets my full attention.
It helps in making these new adjustments, in creating a utopia from the world. I have been reading how the animals shelters are over flowing with cats and kittens right now in the treasure valley and I can't help but think I am doing my part to help! 5 cats and a dog keep me on my toes every day in such delight of all things great and small!

I believe in the saying "There is always room for one more."

I love my life with these pets, as I go through counseling, as I get my project list finished and as I embrace being 40 years old I have come to see that this past month has been truly AMAZING!

I love summer time so much, I will miss it deeply when it's over and yet I will keep my furry babies safe through all the seasons! 

How to setup a peaceful home

      I have been keeping my dog Oscar on a leash beside me when the kittens come downstairs to play after breakfast time.

It's getting a bit better in him watching the kittens play without trying to break them up or control them. Oscar has always acted like he knows when the playing is getting to rough or crazy.
Last week was about meeting the kittens on a leash not behind the gate anymore, now this week is about learning to stay on the couch or chair if the kittens bolt around the room. Oscar is getting use to the kittens along side Jazzy, Tinker and occasionally Lewis. Lewy bolts for the front door the moment he sees movement from the kittens, he eats his breakfast just a bit faster hearing them meow upstairs. Tinker climbs up in Tony's clothes closet to nap after breakfast and only comes back out into the living room when I put the kittens in their base camp again.

I try small spurts of time in mingling everyone, right after breakfast everyone know the kittens will be exploring the home more, Jazzy has been watching hem through the screen or window because she is playful and it startles them, she may turn into dominating so I am very careful when scent swapping that she isn't ever alone with the playful growing up fast kittens. I also keep Oscar in his bedroom until I have time to handle him on the leash while the kittens run about.

All in all we are making progress, mid morning nap time is still important so I put the kittens up in their room for that. This allows Oscar to rest not worrying if the kittens will run over him too.

My life is so very blessed with my 3 old cats, my well trained dog and my 2 new kitties.

My home is getting setup better for this time in our lives.

My husband knows how much I love helping animals while he's a busy scheduled hard working lawyer now, I know that he likes the joy bringing kittens into our home would mean for me as he can't be home like he use to.....

My schedule, my time in watching over everyone and creating the perfect space has been such a gift!

I have been extra careful in keeping Oscar with me so he knows we are partners in everything. He will be turning 13 years old next month and I am all to aware of how the kittens will most naturally out live him....so my mission is to never let Oscar think he's replaced.

I think he's such an awesome dog and the best part of me is always him!
Now the kittens have burst into our lives with such new joy and laughter! Although Oscar might not be laughing quite yet.....

The Best Way To Introduce Your Two Cats

This has been the week of introductions in our home since the kittens are bigger, they want to explore and see the rest of the home.
They are cuddling more with me in purring, in wanting me to pet them and feed them. I play with them in all the new toys too.
I have tuna, chicken and salmon rotating their 3 wet food meals, while they can eat dry at any time. The bonus room is a kitten utopia.
Yet the kittens are growing up so quickly week to week, so I know they need to meet everyone else as soon as possible in cute caring ways.
The mornings of breakfast time is when the kittens come out to play meeting Lewis, Tinker and Jazzy. I think Jazzy is the only one who wants to play with them while establishing that she is the boss of the house. Tinker hisses and follows along the wall watching the kittens play yet not letting herself be known. Lewis is all about eating as much as possible while the kittens run around under the table he bolts outside meowing at me like "Hey thanks got get outside NOW." I always jokingly tell him and I kiss him on his way outside "Lewy, you are NOT the father, not responsible." My husband often laughs when I say that.
When Oscar has his breakfast in his bedroom then he can listen to the kittens run around freely, I put him on a leash until I get him outside to run around and watch through the screen door. Introductions are all so important and take time.
Time is the key to embrace, to help everyone have safety and trust.
They will eventually be well known, as in a year from now I hope to see everyone eating breakfast at the same time with no separation.
I will follow Jackson Galaxy's advice!
I will keep Oscar by my side, keep him safe and understand when he needs his down time, his safe space away from the endless playing of the kittens <3
I am glad that I understand the animal kingdom, that I can use all my knowledge and find videos like these to help me use this time wisely!
My home is a utopia for all!