When we are first born there is nothing we are in control of or responsible for, even our minds have not yet capture the fact we are existing.
The age of wonder is like an awakening from a long 2 or 3 year sleep as we begin to grow up. I always warn my friends who will be mothers soon that in the next 3 to 4 years should be kept simple, stay in bed longer with your newborn, spend ALL day at the park in the summer and never drag your little new soul anywhere stressful! I have never been a mother but I have been made aware of what it takes, what is so magical and wonderful about it! It is also life changing in every single way that without preparation or steady calmness it's a hard job to be parent.
I like giving my helpful tips then watch as these friends look at me oddly saying "How do you know all this? I never thought that far ahead..." It's always been important to me in knowing how to raise children right, or most importantly to relate to them on their own level....
When I would call up all of my friends who are busy mothers now I would ask if I can meet up with them sometime, it always surprises me these several responses were "Well, I don't have a babysitter lined up." I was left bewildered and oddly confused for a second then laugh to myself realizing they don't get it, I LOVE Children!!! So I would explain back quickly "No Silly! I know you have kids so lets hang out ALL of us together! Like meet at McDonald or go to the park so the kids have fun things to do as we catch up on life."
The age of wonder is lost somehow at times I have noticed in all these adults around me, I have always discovered such refreshing wonder in all kinds of kids, In fact being around children have so often saved me from my own selfishness or my own sad thoughts through out my life! We all need to hear the sound of laughter and energy coming from the younger generation!
The age of wonder is that we can choose to never out grow it!
We can share in it the magic of life and learning right along side our kids for generations to come and that is my most favorite hopeful idea to carry on into the future!
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| Baby Girl Hannah in 2003 |
Sweet, lovely, 10 year old Hannah was laughing at me as I darted around backyard squealing and trying to hide behind a tree just when she threw a water balloon that splashed over my back! I kept missing her and her brother with my own balloons that they both were laughing so hard now, I will always remember the three of us playing on that summer day, Thinking how Benny would be giggling from heaven at all our goofiness sliding in mud and grass!
For I have always loved these kids, always asked Benny if they could come play with us when we met up and Benny would roll her eyes saying back "Then I would have to watch over THREE kids all at the same time!" I burst out laughing and totally agreed!
I was wondering why this winter I have been feeling so easily cold? Usually I can handle it better but lately I have been wishing for sun's warmth more then I can ever remember.....?
My husband said the other night that I go to bed ready for a blizzard with all my layers on!
Yet I have always felt so invaded by the cold!
I have no energy, I have no need to even do my hair most of the time because I want to wear my stocking caps ALL the time now! I could be at such an age right now that this coldness is very painful, I feel very tight and can't even speak when I get super cold standing around outside....THIS annoys me so much too for I love to be outside!
I do think winter is beautiful as long as I don't go out into it right away, let the noon hour arrive to whatever heat we are grateful to have!
I will never be a winter person I guess......It's just more sweaters and coffee until my happy free spirited Spring arrives one day down the road again!
THAT and knowing how penguins walk so I don't fall down on the ice like I did LAST winter....
It is true that I can't wait to be older, wiser and calmer for my over all life, and yet I CAN wait at the very same time because with age comes lost, with lost comes understanding and gratefulness for the simple moment of right now.
Last night's big potato drop downtown Boise on the Grove was a first for this area in hopes to bring more people out and about in the winter's coldness.
It was cold out naturally as most new year's eve are, I have been realizing the end of year holds many emotions for me almost like a forced "re-cap" I am dealing with my sense of lost, I want to talk to my best friend so badly that it feels like walking into a solid wall with no way out!
Over dinner my husband asked me why is this sorrow resurfacing again in me and I knew it was because of New year's eve, where I am caught once again between hope for the future and helpless lost of the past.
Last night's event brought people out from ALL over, it was fun to see yet I felt worn thin, cold and ready to hold my pets closer then ever before back at home all cozy and warm.
As we grow older our age of lost grows bigger, our depth and soul become challenged even when we think that we are so strong....or we want to let go all our worries and be happy again.
I am not so sure this year will be better then the last but I guess there's no way to avoid it either way.
It is true that I have changed,
I think maybe it's wisdom or just alertness of all the things I can not control....I can not change, so I want to let it ALL go and just BE. That may mean to be sad or to be guarded or
hitting that wall in wanting to connect again to someone I can't, maybe one day I will learn to build a bridge. It's important to know how to live along side these years as they unfold, as they give or take away. I want to capture it all good and bad, to be a balanced person especially when they bring about odd things like a HUGE potato hanging in the sky!
MERRY CHRISTMAS a day late....I slept most of my life away yesterday, caught somewhere between holiday happiness and a growing sense of this year's huge lost. The 26th of each month will sometimes go right on by without me being the wiser! Yet today 6 months ago, I went through a dark tunnel of death and separation that would never again allow me to see my best friend, I can still feel that high pitch scream from my throat and never forget the sudden pain in my chest. Those hot heavy tears and my hitting the steering wheel with both hands then gripping on until they turned white...I surrendered to crying and that sorrow of which I had never ever known before!
6 months ago today..........and I will simply hate this year because of it as well.
I have always been a firm believer in feeling all things as they befall me, no denying or hiding the facts of what these very important and very real human emotions are suppose to teach me or help me....that being said I also know I can't live forever in grief as well, I have to take these events in my "suitcase" called LIFE and live along side all that has hurt me, all that has comforted me and all that has YET to be packed up with the rest of me.
This is the year of rest for my own soul, of not chasing every holiday tradition and not wrapping every gift. No real cards or letters sent, no real goodies baked and slowly I move about my time wondering if in these next 6 months I will be even more wiser?.....Hopefully less sad but again that's not in my control like with so many other things I have learned since June 26th, I am NOT the story teller or writer of my own life, because if I was then I would still be sitting at the top of Camel's back park over looking the valley below as spring began to set things into green again I would still be there with my arms wide open saying
"I love you beautiful world!"
So I know I can't make time stand still for that moment earlier this year, I can't write happy endings for everyone I love and maybe even most humbling of all is now I know what season's grieving is instead.....
When we speak we have the power to change any story,
When my husband says "Speak!" My dog Oscar barks instantly and my husband just laughs like he never heard the dog bark before!
When I think about it communication is key to understanding those around us, and sometimes I want to command "Speak!" to actual people too!
Why be so afraid of speaking? Even one word answers can be helpful for me in listening and trying to figure out what the other person is thinking. I have a very very quiet cousin who hardly speaks unless in that good carefree mood. I let him just be, I don't feel like chatter has to always be happening but when asked what his thoughts are on something the quietness or unsure responses makes me a bit bewildered as I realize if he was from the other side of my family where we all shout out to be heard then he would never of survived!
To speak is to take ownership for your own thoughts and emotions without fear!
We are all thinking even when we are not speaking, comfortable peaceful silence or self reflecting moments go hand in hand with speaking wisely, sharing willingly about who you are.
I have learned so much in my life from speaking up, and I get so delighted when others speak up too! In fact I have noticed that I'm drawn to the same kind of people who like to share and are not afraid to speak their mind!
My life is always full of such interesting topics, clever people and endless stories to share that it simply is impossible for me to not find other like minded people!
Words either written down or pronounced have such a poetic feel, like they came straight out of our hearts for the rest of the world to understand better.....without speaking how would we ever know what the other person was thinking or feeling? Communication with all it's many levels helps bring us out of our own selfish world and we could NOT connect to another being without it!
So be smart, sweet, soulful, sharing and most important be brave in speaking up!
The ladies sat at the table in the restraunt when I arrived for lunch sliding in next to them after a heavy day's work lifting and dusting off displays I dung into the chips in front of me as I heard them say "Ask Debby, she pays attention to that kind of stuff." I looked up from munching in surprise "What?" I waited as one of them snorted out "Why do we work with weirdos and idiots? Where do they come from?" I choke back laughter knowing exactly who they were annoyed about in our work group. Before I could cleverly reply about what I knew of this year's summer crew, another lady cut me off stating very loudly "You should know better then to ask her! Debby never says a mean thing about anyone! You saw her earlier when she had to repeat the instructions 6 times to the idiot, she never once dropped her smile or rolled her eyes, I would have said "Go figure it out on your own!" if it was ME!" the ladies all laughed together and I simply nodded in understanding of our stressful day as I shared "Good communication goes a long ways in teaching and helping others I guess I'm thinking there is no one I can't talk to is all."
This was my first Sunday to work in...well....hmmm in actually 4 years!
Yes 4 years ago I left my job at the coffee shop, which had me opening on Sunday mornings at 6am.
Since then I have done many other part time, temporary jobs yet never on a Sunday........Sooooooo today was an odd morning for me to hurry out the door with my new shop keys in hand. (Usually I just stay in my Pj's and write away the afternoon;-D)
I got to the pet food shop and followed all my training step by step in opening the store, I had my coffee and a hearty breakfast so I felt ready to work the shop all on my own, all day long. This was a very different Sunday then from what I am use to having, so I kept saying to myself over and over again "This is your very first day all alone, remember and don't panic, don't worry you'll learn all of this quite quickly." Then suddenly my log in didn't work for the computer and trouble shooting over the phone wasn't fixing it before I had to open the doors....leaving me to scramble around at discovering prices usually found in the system online, yet that was locked up! Panic was how I felt inside but I shared with customers how I could ring them up by hand with a calm confident smile. It was so good to see such friendly understanding customers through out the rest of the day, even my boss was impressed at how well I held my own under such pressure in that stressful situation, YET by the time I could go home I felt so weak with all my organizing numbers by hand and getting it all entered when the system came back online later on.
How amazing to me that we rely on these networks for prices and inventory, for fast pace shopping and accurate accounts!
When I read the error message to my boss first thing this morning she said "I've only seen that problem once since we opened and I can't remember how we fixed it back then...."
while I felt myself nervously laugh at how ironically it would be ME, here on my first day to run the shop to hit this wall, this rare problem!
Now the one thing with feeling rattled up inside when things aren't going along smoothly is that time flies by! I looked at the clock today at 9:45am right when the computer flashed a warning error blocking me from doing anything then my heart hit my throat I was bewildered and worried over everything I sold. When I looked at the time again it was 2:45pm!?!? THAT is how fast all that stress took me into the day, I was rescued and everything was fixed again later on.
It wasn't quite the best first day memory I was wanting then again first days of anything are often challenging and unknown.....
THIS is my first Sunday back into the retail world and I'm ready!.............I think.
It happened rather naturally and fast in my conversation at my favorite pet shop, the place is only a few minuets from home and I've gotten all my pet food and items from this cute personal place over this last year. The owner was sharing how hard it was to find good workers, she was trying to do so many things at once so I waited patiently telling her I've been looking for work if that could help her situation of needing some time off to rest. By the next couple of days I was unloading the pallet of freight in the cold snowy weather outside the back door. Lifting over my head or stacking 50 pounds of dog food I had a new job, I am now scheduled out with a place to work. It was a crazy busy first day training that left me rather excited to have a new job but rather worried there was so much to know instantly. When I am there it's for the whole day of open to close, there is so much to do that I will never be bored from what I can see so far.
The second day was calmer, I felt like I could remember better all the steps I am responsible for , I liked fronting displays and pricing everything off the floor. Running the register or chatting with customers are the easier parts of the job for me. The ordering of special things for customer request may take a bit more focus, The shop is easy enough to learn with cat food and things on one wall and the dog stuff on the other.
The store cat Abby gets lots of attention and treats, I like how she lets me carry her around while I clean and re-stock shelves. It's only been a few days working there but I think it will work out for what I have been trying to find in the animal care field.
The part time schedule is flexible to my worries over not being home for my dogs, life changes so quickly that sometimes I have to stay focus on what is most important to me and knowing my dogs are older, well cared over and while I am at work my husband can work from home to be with them which helps me relax in all my new adventures.
It happened so quickly in starting a new job, to be scheduled out for the rest of the month.......I think it is fun to look out the shop window into the dark evening seeing all the Christmas lights sparkling out there. Knowing that when I get home all my pets will be happy to see me again and cuddle up for bed. I think it's even more interesting to watch how life unfolds and changes so quickly, I feel older and wiser for my time as a homemaker, now it's time to set my alarm again and get back to work!
