This week seemed to fly by as I stayed home as much as possible to watch over Oscar, he had foot surgery and dental work. He's healing nicely and in a good shape for getting old.
This whole summer has flown by on me actually, I have been in counseling now for a couple of months and I love it! I am learning so many new mental tools to help me adapt to my ever changing life! I am in awe of how much healing, how much depth there is in me!
My counselor said that I was a very smart person, and I teared up because I never heard that about myself growing up in fact I feel like my whole family even right now thinks I am not smart. My husband has often said that I don't give myself credit for being super smart....I guess I always automatically think he is just being nice. My self image is that I am C average only wanting to sit by all the really smart people in order to help myself learn more....My counselor said That strategy is brilliant in itself. I laugh back thinking I never noticed it before.....
I chose certain good kind family members to befriend and sit beside at family functions on purpose because I was very smart and clever in how to survive a very abusive family system.
I am in awe of myself now that being 40 has humbled me and taught me how strong I am in happiness and in my smarts! My positive way of looking life will bring me blessings in return, my relationship choices will give me the comfort and support I need to face anything scary in the future and I handle any kind of triggering from my past even better with my therapy.
This week my sister met up with our mother and I for lunch, It's interesting to me how my sister has been coming around a little more, her focus is on mom not me. Yet I like seeing her and her daughter for a moment I like knowing they are doing okay, I have learned not to assume they are happy as I am when we greet one another in fact I try to just shrug it off like "What's up, Mom is happy you guys could join us." I am not lying, not forcing myself to be connected to them. In fact I have long sense left them to just be the way they want which is usually nothing like myself.
It can get uncomfortable, awkward and down right weird so now I count my blessings instead of my curses for having to be around that heavy negativity, rude judgement they display on me.
I think to myself as my sister snorts, rolls her eyes and says "Duh, You know nothing at all. Don't ask me such stupid questions." I pause a second thinking "Are you enjoying your free day today?" is a stupid question? I have learned through my weekly therapy that my sister saw me as a victim, because I was so nice and hugging with everyone so she made herself really tough in order to protect herself while I saw her as being a bully so I made myself very friendly growing up in hope to keep harmony and find that balance in our childhood.
Now I grateful to see her, to wave and let her know I love her, that I hope for the best in her life but I am sure glad not be in it for long. Her personality with me is never ever nice, never ever warm, never ever kind. I have learn to not be those things as well, I stay neutral now in my wisdom and in my healing. I have come a long ways in my sisterhood with such untouchable sister.
A couple of years ago a old friend was watching the dynamics unfold between my sister and I, she had a look of wonder and horror on her face. My sister stormed off yet I felt like I deescalated the drama in a new tool set way. She came over right away hugging me and saying "You are incredible, you are like social guru, a real kind honest strong person! I won't of known how to handle your sister like that....it's impressive! Good job!" I smiled sadly and explained "I have lived my whole life with her, I know the tricky steps that work and that don't work....and I love her with unconditional love so that terrifies her. It freaks her out when there is world peace in the home, when everyone is getting long she is uncomfortable so then she lashes out. I don't ever think she will love me as I do her because she can't love herself yet." I nodded and hugged my friend back thinking "Maybe it will all get better, nicer now that Derek has died?"
My grief counselor said "You are not just missing your brother, you are missing his help in dealing with your sister too. He helped it be easier in getting along all 3 of you as adults. Now you have be that person, be like your brother in bridging the gap." I tried for almost 3 years now the gap is more like a crater.
I sat this week in the summer time day as Mom and I were on our way to the fair, thinking how good it is to see my sister and her daughter be such good friends. I chose positive thoughts and avoidance of dramas with such ease as the new counselor I have said "Stop trying to be the peacemaker for everyone else, just carry your own peace with you where ever you go."
This is much easier, I am grateful that lunch was the 4 of us, my mother and sister with my niece. I laughed, I shared, and I got to know them all a little better just as they are and not as I wish them to be. All of time is good when one see it for doing good, for simply just being the best person one can be!
No comments:
Post a Comment