Teaching Me

 When I saw this I laughed so much, I can relate to the days my brother Derek taught me math, algebra, and Geometry.
When we were kids our mother taught us equal at the very same level. So he quickly surpassed me in numbers and I spent hours writing letters, writing short stories an in my daily journal.  When he needed to sign a birthday or send out a letter to our grandparents as homework and really he only wrote those things if our mother made him to do it as a school project, I would help with him what to write about and how to share a story.
He then of course happily taught me numbers and yet he was like Sheldon in this clip trying to explain from the beginning what he already knew, taking baby steps for me to catch up. And He was always very nice about it even when he got so frustrated

Of course eventually I found other tutors like my friend Tiffany who loved English  lit and my friend Rebekah who helped me through biology.
Even in my first apartment I took all the information of philosophy, debate, and college classes of my roommates to help me along in learning new things.  I have always believed in asking for help, in asking for knowledge as everyone has something to share, something they can teach me.

My first tutor was my brother. I am so grateful for his help, his support and while this show "The Big Bang Theory." captures what it must of been like for Derek in teaching me, I laughed so much!

Teaching can be a tool in how we learn while we are doing it, while we are helping someone one else, we can keep the data fresh in our own minds.

Those days with my brother and that thick heavy confusing algebra book are now treasured not tortured memories. I said to Derek "I don't know why I have to learn this, I will never use it when I am a famous writer!" He nodded understandably back at me saying "We just need to get ya through high school at this point." We would laugh in the stress of it all together of course but now I think how fortunate I was to have such a smart brother, even though it was weird he was so much younger teaching me math, I realized then how we all have gifts that click in ways we can help and teach others. I began to look around at who excelled in subjects I needed help with. 
Starting first with all those long days at home after we got our chores done, we would sit over an open text book and he would draw me out visuals to help.

I laughed so much when I saw this as I thought "Thank you Derek. thank you so much for being my brother!"

The Big Bang Theory

It takes me back to those family dinners when my brother Derek would share how funny the sitcom "The Big Bang Theory." was, and how he thought we should watch it.
He mentioned this sitcom through out a few of our get togethers, our family events and during his last birthday he explained why he really liked that show to my husband Tony.

So Tony found the first 2 seasons of this sitcom and I thought I would actually sit and watch finally.
I think when this began to air we didn't have TV, then streaming Netflix was all we had through Tony's law school years after his Grandpa gave us a TV.
So on the 2nd anniversary of Derek's passing, I watched it.

After waking up in tears, in reliving such a heart breaking day I thought a lot about time, how it doesn't hold still but we do in our hearts and in our minds. 
How the simplest conversations with my brother come back to me now, how his adorable laugh and his cleverness is so deeply missed.
When the cousins all met up for a after the holidays get together I sat beside my sister thinking it wasn't easy trying to talk with her and then it dawned on me how if Derek was there he would be talking between us then it would feel like the 3 of us were talking because she would say to him what he would then say to me in a joking way or in a open honest way. I sure miss that setup because now I don't know how to feel connected to my sister. It was my brother who played such a big part of us as a whole, his connections to everyone really helped make our family time go smoother.

This sitcom came to my mind once again, because I always advise in grief and in pain it's good to have a comedy on the screen or playing in the background to hear people laugh when you can't is a helpful tip in recovering such loss.
This doesn't keep you from being or feeling sad it really just brings awareness that the world holds laughter and humor in it still.

After a day of crying, hurting and having my friend Tiffany bring me dinner. She shared with me that on the day Derek died she was honored I came to find her for a hug before heading out to our childhood country side. Her daughters gave me such love and such support while she had been gone but she was right there for me, she even gave me gas money since I had none. It was such a dark time and she was my shinning light of love and of our life long friendship. As I hugged her I gratefully explained "It's so hard to realize it's been 2 years now, thank you for all your support back then, I truly needed it."

Tiffany said "Your brother was such a huge loss, he was a good person and I know he helped you get through such tough times in your family, even when you guys were growing up together, I could see you were friends. I keep seeing him around 19 and 20 still attending church, having that unique laugh when he thought something was funny but not wanting to be very loud as he laughed." I smiled nodding agreement "He was so guarded and private, I didn't understand it very well back then....I get it now of course but I was so bold and loud that maybe he saw my after math from that. I don't know, wish I could of toned myself down now looking back. " Tiffany explained "You were courageous."  and I burst into tears.

In that same quiet evening I put on the very first episode of "The Big Bang Theory." I had been crying, thinking and needing to take a break from all I feel.
I am realizing as grow old that I am an odd ball in the whole set of society, I have always known I don't belong or fit in any where, even when I with my husband and he encourages me to try to adapt and to fit in if I can, he has taught me how to refocus myself to not be such a strange being on this earth. His help has always been encouraging and good for me, he gets concerned if I re-watch "Interstellar." to much or if I talk about hanging lights up with letters from "Stranger Things."  If he thinks I am dwelling in the past to much or seeking out the topic of death to much he gets worried. I am coming to a place in my life an din my time that I am embracing my weirdness not trying to hide it. So this sitcom "The Big Bang Theory." Had me laughing so much, episode after episode I was deeply laughing. It felt so good to actually like this show that Derek often talked about...I hadn't been sure, he use to drive me crazy with his enjoyment of "Hogan's Heroes." when we were teenagers, ha!

I said to my husband after a couple of nights watching this show "Oh my god, I am like Sheldon in all his social situations, not brilliant like him but in thinking "why do people act like this?" ways....if I had gone to school I would of been in the group of nerds in a heart beat." My husband replied "Took you long enough to realize this, at least you can see it now. I keep trying to help you but I think you have to realize this on your own." I laughed so much, and I loved laughing too! It's refreshing to know and understand this sitcom holds such humor and comedy that I have seen in other people around me, actual word for word conversations that I have had, truly amazing clever wit!

I think I am going to enjoy this sitcom for the rest of these cold winter nights.....for laughter and tears are my favorite combination!

Til Kingdom Come

I had this very CD once, I played it over and over in my car driving down country roads or parked up in the foothills watching the sun set while singing a long. It's why I love this band so very much for being the depth I needed in my 20's.
I think back to all these days I carried this CD with me every where and it makes me smile!

For in music we find our way out of our own heads and into the real earth all around us.
 For in grief we can at least sing when we can not speak.

In The Middle

                      

     A friend shared with me lately "I read about this village that receive tragic sad news of their children being killed suddenly and those mothers fell instantly to the ground while the other women quickly circle them facing out guarding all of them laying on the ground screaming and crying. No one tried to silence them, no one tried to comfort or control them. They simply stood guarding against the outside world as those heart broken women lay down all their grief and all their pain." I nodded in complete understanding as my friend asked "Did you read about that too?" I smiled slightly as tears filled my eyes I said "I lived it, I think I am still there on that floor screaming, rolling around in such weakness I never knew was humanly possible to feel." She looked tender to me as her own tears slipped down her cheeks she said "I don't know how you did it, how could you handle all those different kinds of people when you are suffering such a deep loss." I chuckled explaining "Grace. it's all about gratefulness and grace for each crazy person I meant or had to deal with I also had calm good helpers, for every selfish person I found a selfless person too, even the most uncomfortable person is hurting and struggling I use that thought that they are loved  just as they are, for we are all fleeting in time, in loss we are striped down to our basic self nothing else matters. Our achievements  and our successes are simply flashy distraction against the truth of what kind of person we are in our heart and in our soul." She smiled back at me saying "I admire how you cut right through the bullshit of life." 

I admitted "It's all I know now, I can't live any other way even if I tried......I was shocked, I was very surprised by the news that my brother Derek died had me screaming on the floor, I had no common sense, no guarded evaluation, no pause, no depth of time or place, no control over myself I was out of my body I was in the sky looking down thinking "wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no, I can't even.....I can't even breath! my god I've died too." Then I came back to the floor that eye level to the fact I am still here, I am like water with no strength for my hands and my feet. So I understand those women screaming on the ground. I also understand the reason the other women came to circle and guard them. Because I do that too, now I do that instantly for my friends in sudden grief I guard them as they scream on the floor too. IF anyone tries to stop them I will set them back, this is the truth in loss of someone you loved far more then yourself, a piece of your heart has been taken of course you will feel such pain, it will put you on the floor."

I explained to my friend how we have soul people in our lives, they are a part of our safest circle in trust. They mean so much to us, we are made better in our every day because of these good people in that circle. When one of them dies our safety circle is broken, our beings are left in such great deep pleading pain. When we heal that part of our circle we are made stronger and forever changed never to be the same person we had once been.

I think about my brother Derek every single day, and I will till the very day I too will die.

How grateful I am that I got to know someone truly good like him in my life? Gratefulness is my saving grace and it's why I can stand with the other women now to protect the newly grieving.

I am living in the middle, I can take everything I have been through to light up my pathway a little better then before.  

............and yet I will always rage on against the dying of the light.

At the Beginning

There is nothing more important then seeing the beginning.
There is nothing more sacred then a new born baby whose whole world is just starting out.
There is no job more vital and more important then being a parent.

And I will always say that it is not for everyone, being a parent is a life time devotion. It's okay to admit it's not your calling, not your passion and not your idea of a well loved life time.
It's the top job of all jobs in my mind, I have observed all through out my whole life that this culture and this time in our world doesn't notice the honor, the sacred gifts of being a parent. 
At least not in the same honor/awe of being the President. 
Yet a parent is far more important to the survival of our society so I wonder how did that message get so mixed up? 
The truth is that any one can be a parent, in fact I think it's little to easy to become a parent so it's not always taken seriously enough, the honor isn't always understood right away, the beginning can be missed by some along the way, every soul that's born is an honor to me, before we ever know what kind of person this is going to be. The honor is in the survival of birth, the difficult work of getting them here. The joy and the hope of a new being here on earth is strikingly amazing!

         I was raised to be a mother but I knew that if I couldn't do it right, I wouldn't do it at all. 
My heart was already devoted to my baby brothers so I became an advocate for how it takes a village, a helpful hand in raising each new generation.
While I was dating my husband I told him that the world is full of unloved and unwanted babies I want to be able to help out in any way that I can. It was important to me that if we do decide to have kids we were devoted to them above anything else. He shared that it's always better to regret not having kids then to regret having them because they will always know that they weren't wanted and then that will ruin everyone's life not just your own. 

Our beginning is vital to our journey through life, my husband almost didn't live through his first night on this earth. He almost didn't make it all together, he has to live with his disabilities all the rest of his life now because of his scary start. 
I have learned so much about who he is because of his beginning, I have realized that a safe secured life isn't guaranteed, that there are struggles, there are limits to how we can control the future.

At the beginning we need rest, we need safety and we need to heal. When my mother had all my baby brothers I observed how important it is to just be in the moment of a perfectly created new born. 
To delight in all the little things they do, to protect and to cuddle. 
I would sing songs and whisper promises for a great new life ahead for them. 
Those are the most treasured days the beginning to hold in great love for each other. 
For in our beginning is the start to our stories!

I can't say it enough we are not all meant to be parents, so if you find yourself in the position of such a very important job as parenthood bring forth your best self, carry the 4 agreements and master the art of love as you share your life with a completely different being then yourself.

For at the truth in life, the strength of time and the importance of helping each other live on, helping each other survive is the greatest gift we can ever give! Each new breath, each new heart beat is a hope and a joy to carry into the future!

Therefore I honor the beginning, because it is the most important part of the start in life, it's vital for all things possible.

At the End.

There is a whole drama series dedicated to the topic of death. It has been judged in many ways over all these years as a dark show. I completely disagree.
For I remember exactly where I was on how that first episode of "6 Feet Under." that I saw playing on my small TV in my newly wed apartment in awe I stopped deep cleaning to watch on as such a fascinating family unfolded in this deeply profound show.

This family has stayed with me through all those years since I was 24 years old and discovered them on my screen.

My whole life now carries the best parts of this show with me into all things concerning death.

My delight in watching a single episode is that I will be left stronger for all the tears I have cried in feeling what they are conveying.

This show can't be consumed in one day or in one season, it's depth goes to the heart and soul of anyone who has been apart of a family. 
It takes time to let yourself learn from their common connections, in learning how you will conduct your very own. 
This show isn't perfect just as we the people, all of us as human beings on this earth are not perfect as well.
I enjoy how imperfections bring out our real truth, our honest struggle and vulnerabilities as the story is made perfect from all the is not! I seek to be honest and be real, I desire to be apart of that great story called "Life."

This TV drama "6 Feet Under." came in our culture at such a time, a rescuing revealing reality of how it is when we live along side death. In a clearly detached from the topic society of flashy new things, a real avoidance of the end in most every place we dwell this show brought it right into our homes, apart from religion we don't have very good guidelines for when death comes to our door step. I loved this show because it helps, it brings the truth front and center. We can try to avoid it like everyone else our age or we can face it bravely and strongly in simply saying "I don't why we all have to die, I am not able to change that fact so carry the fire of love and light in your soul to your very end, let the tears fall like rain there is nothing to be ashamed of."

Death is shame in our society. People even say "Oh what a shame, they died. How sad."
Then they move on in relief that they are not dead yet, they can react in recklessness or in selfish fears. This is just as normal as they react in pure kindness, in humble reverences and in deep gratitude. The show "6 Feet Under." has a gift in revealing how each person can take a tragic sudden death in their ways. Everyone handles grief differently, the layers to this experience is as deep as the ocean, is as painful as cutting up an onion. 
You are the human who has to live on in such great loss, that IS the story and all the memories, all the desire, the longing and the trapped limited feeling you have in not reaching out to touch the one who has passed away...that IS the story of death.
We need to talk more about those things, help each other find our own ways through it. "6 Feet Under." gave me the tools I needed for my life ahead, I had already studied the bible growing up in-depth upon the fearful manipulating subject of death that they used to control me by saying I had to believe exactly as they said to, I had to behave exactly as we are commanded in the bible to behave...strange though I observed so often that death freaked out the most faithful strong Christians of my past. They proclaimed to triumph over death yet they seem to loose their minds in fear of it. I honored death as a small child over simple nature, wild life found dead at my feet. I spent hours and hours praying, seeking answers in my first 10 years. 
I finally felt like I had a grasp, a handle on this struggle topic by the time I was 20, I kept saying death is separation from those you love so with God's help you can carry that same love into the darkness, into the end. 
I found such empowerment by the time I was 22 years old in my research of death, I left Christianity completely and I have been so proud of all the new things I have learned since!
It's strikingly amazing to be free!
It's vital to who I am that in discovering this great show, "6 Feet Under." proved my journey of understanding death better goes deeper then any religion.
For life would not be if death wasn't there, death would not be if life wasn't there.
I laugh and cry fully, deeply, truly caught up by the truth of it all. 

For when David just found out his father died in a car accident yet he's working as the funeral director for an already happening funeral in their family own business his professional world and his personal world collide in his head he is left screaming overwhelmed by it all. That first episode brought me to my knees, I nodded my head as I watched in awe that they have the guts to share what it is really like to deal with life after  sudden death. 
Maybe this show was meant to find me so young and so aware.

How important it is to grieve and to celebrate!

How strong are we as a shared family, a circle of friends and a honorable community to uphold death in such sacred way!

How good it is to not be afraid, to not be vulnerable and to not loose sight of what really matters. 
We are all so different in our gifts and our talents, in our stories and in our struggles, when we admire or delight in each other we learn far more then if we put our guard up and kept walls around us all the time. 
One day there be a real wall called Death, I have tried hard to bust through it so you should know it will come about as solid and strong as anything you can ever find on earth. The wall of death is why I try to help people take down their emotional walls of right now. The final wall will be the hardest one you will ever come across in your own life time. 
I use to think because I knew the show so well, so deeply connected to it, I thought I would not make the same mistakes in facing death, in grieving as the characters of "6 Feet Under." They all showed personal struggle, pain and cloudy minds that I would relate and think it's good to see how I don't want to be.
I use to think I could handle anything tragic event, that I could keep a crisis in careful care.
I use to think so many things when I watched this beloved show.
Now, right now as I re-watch all the way through it again this winter I see ever so clearly, ever so well how exactly true they did this show! I am in awe of it now more then ever!
I use to think this show empowered me for my future, gave me soulful depth and insight. Now I live defeated in my own truth, my own experiences has brought me to this realization over how simply I am human, I am just like this Fisher family in the end. 
16 years later, they all made a show that is timeless for the truth of the human race. A classic drama for us to learn from, to talk about and be comforted in how we feel.

For it's a simple sad truth that no one gets out alive, even with a "passport to heaven" or not, we all come to the end as equals.

Carefree youth

I will always be grateful that I was raised in the country side, that I was the oldest in watching over everyone. 
When people say "The carefree days of youth." I do not know what they are talking about.
I was always caring.
I was always cleaning and cooking and helping my mother.
I was thinking the other day that I am still doing those things exactly as when I was 10 years, so now for 30 years.
 I am not sure what carefree truly feels like even though I have tried yoga, meditations and massages. 
My husband took me to the hot spring for my 40th birthday, it's like a spa surrounded by mountains and on my birthday even snow.
I would catch that freezing cold winter wind when getting out of the hot mineral water.
 Relaxing is something my husband taught me how to do, for it doesn't come natural for me.
I can't leave my home without all the chores done, all the appliances put away and turned off completely for safety of my pets while I am gone, for the laundry can't pile up and I circle each and every room before I ever leave my home, I kiss each pet and tell them how long I should be.....
I was always responsible for someone else, my pets fit naturally into my life. Yet while soaking for my birthday I realized how hard it is for me to be carefree, I am always caring and worrying....
Perhaps being 40 is for more fun?
I am in awe of all the beauty on this earth, in awe of all the people I have in my life who are there for me and I am in such joy for the possibilities the future can still hold.  
It's even more important as we grow older to be wiser in what we do with our time, I am left in awe over it all........

Just a year ago....

Today reminds me how we can never read some one's mind, we can never know for sure what a person is facing or feeling.

We can catch glimpses, we can share in agreement or laughter.
We can feel connected and close, we can have high hopes for the future with all these different people in our lives as we grow old.
 We are the life force as a whole, we are the strength in sadness and we are the deeply aware. We just can't know anything for sure about any one person unless they open up and trust us.
Unless we can read minds we can't ever truly know.
In my life experience I have learned that even if someone shares something about themselves it's never the whole story, I have memories of my childhood that others who were there have offered me more information and it has taught me even helped me realize my own eyes can't capture everything.
My own heart can't judge for sure the whole story of this particular situation.....I love the whole story. I love the past and the present and the future in helping us live the best way we can right now.
When someone I know and love decide they can't live on into the next day, I feel stunned then I feel bad because they have left this world to early for me. I wish they could of seen the hope I had for them, the good times they created when they came around. A year ago my young beautiful friend ended her life and her family who are all my friends were floored.
My 12 year old friend Tally and I went out for the day recently and we reminisced, we talked about these many suicides and how much we loved our friend. I shared thoughtfully "We can never know what they felt or how they hurt, but we can carry the fire of light and love in who we are while we still live." Her tearful eyes and leaning into me gave us both such comfort. I know all to well that life is painful, life is a struggle and life is full of loss. 
We can only try to live our way through it in the best way we can, For when we love we see the value in each and every one of us!
 Our sweet angel left this world a year ago and we still cry on.