A friend shared with me lately "I read about this village that receive tragic sad news of their children being killed suddenly and those mothers fell instantly to the ground while the other women quickly circle them facing out guarding all of them laying on the ground screaming and crying. No one tried to silence them, no one tried to comfort or control them. They simply stood guarding against the outside world as those heart broken women lay down all their grief and all their pain." I nodded in complete understanding as my friend asked "Did you read about that too?" I smiled slightly as tears filled my eyes I said "I lived it, I think I am still there on that floor screaming, rolling around in such weakness I never knew was humanly possible to feel." She looked tender to me as her own tears slipped down her cheeks she said "I don't know how you did it, how could you handle all those different kinds of people when you are suffering such a deep loss." I chuckled explaining "Grace. it's all about gratefulness and grace for each crazy person I meant or had to deal with I also had calm good helpers, for every selfish person I found a selfless person too, even the most uncomfortable person is hurting and struggling I use that thought that they are loved just as they are, for we are all fleeting in time, in loss we are striped down to our basic self nothing else matters. Our achievements and our successes are simply flashy distraction against the truth of what kind of person we are in our heart and in our soul." She smiled back at me saying "I admire how you cut right through the bullshit of life."
I admitted "It's all I know now, I can't live any other way even if I tried......I was shocked, I was very surprised by the news that my brother Derek died had me screaming on the floor, I had no common sense, no guarded evaluation, no pause, no depth of time or place, no control over myself I was out of my body I was in the sky looking down thinking "wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no, I can't even.....I can't even breath! my god I've died too." Then I came back to the floor that eye level to the fact I am still here, I am like water with no strength for my hands and my feet. So I understand those women screaming on the ground. I also understand the reason the other women came to circle and guard them. Because I do that too, now I do that instantly for my friends in sudden grief I guard them as they scream on the floor too. IF anyone tries to stop them I will set them back, this is the truth in loss of someone you loved far more then yourself, a piece of your heart has been taken of course you will feel such pain, it will put you on the floor."
I explained to my friend how we have soul people in our lives, they are a part of our safest circle in trust. They mean so much to us, we are made better in our every day because of these good people in that circle. When one of them dies our safety circle is broken, our beings are left in such great deep pleading pain. When we heal that part of our circle we are made stronger and forever changed never to be the same person we had once been.
I think about my brother Derek every single day, and I will till the very day I too will die.
How grateful I am that I got to know someone truly good like him in my life? Gratefulness is my saving grace and it's why I can stand with the other women now to protect the newly grieving.
I am living in the middle, I can take everything I have been through to light up my pathway a little better then before.
............and yet I will always rage on against the dying of the light.
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