The Big Bang Theory

It takes me back to those family dinners when my brother Derek would share how funny the sitcom "The Big Bang Theory." was, and how he thought we should watch it.
He mentioned this sitcom through out a few of our get togethers, our family events and during his last birthday he explained why he really liked that show to my husband Tony.

So Tony found the first 2 seasons of this sitcom and I thought I would actually sit and watch finally.
I think when this began to air we didn't have TV, then streaming Netflix was all we had through Tony's law school years after his Grandpa gave us a TV.
So on the 2nd anniversary of Derek's passing, I watched it.

After waking up in tears, in reliving such a heart breaking day I thought a lot about time, how it doesn't hold still but we do in our hearts and in our minds. 
How the simplest conversations with my brother come back to me now, how his adorable laugh and his cleverness is so deeply missed.
When the cousins all met up for a after the holidays get together I sat beside my sister thinking it wasn't easy trying to talk with her and then it dawned on me how if Derek was there he would be talking between us then it would feel like the 3 of us were talking because she would say to him what he would then say to me in a joking way or in a open honest way. I sure miss that setup because now I don't know how to feel connected to my sister. It was my brother who played such a big part of us as a whole, his connections to everyone really helped make our family time go smoother.

This sitcom came to my mind once again, because I always advise in grief and in pain it's good to have a comedy on the screen or playing in the background to hear people laugh when you can't is a helpful tip in recovering such loss.
This doesn't keep you from being or feeling sad it really just brings awareness that the world holds laughter and humor in it still.

After a day of crying, hurting and having my friend Tiffany bring me dinner. She shared with me that on the day Derek died she was honored I came to find her for a hug before heading out to our childhood country side. Her daughters gave me such love and such support while she had been gone but she was right there for me, she even gave me gas money since I had none. It was such a dark time and she was my shinning light of love and of our life long friendship. As I hugged her I gratefully explained "It's so hard to realize it's been 2 years now, thank you for all your support back then, I truly needed it."

Tiffany said "Your brother was such a huge loss, he was a good person and I know he helped you get through such tough times in your family, even when you guys were growing up together, I could see you were friends. I keep seeing him around 19 and 20 still attending church, having that unique laugh when he thought something was funny but not wanting to be very loud as he laughed." I smiled nodding agreement "He was so guarded and private, I didn't understand it very well back then....I get it now of course but I was so bold and loud that maybe he saw my after math from that. I don't know, wish I could of toned myself down now looking back. " Tiffany explained "You were courageous."  and I burst into tears.

In that same quiet evening I put on the very first episode of "The Big Bang Theory." I had been crying, thinking and needing to take a break from all I feel.
I am realizing as grow old that I am an odd ball in the whole set of society, I have always known I don't belong or fit in any where, even when I with my husband and he encourages me to try to adapt and to fit in if I can, he has taught me how to refocus myself to not be such a strange being on this earth. His help has always been encouraging and good for me, he gets concerned if I re-watch "Interstellar." to much or if I talk about hanging lights up with letters from "Stranger Things."  If he thinks I am dwelling in the past to much or seeking out the topic of death to much he gets worried. I am coming to a place in my life an din my time that I am embracing my weirdness not trying to hide it. So this sitcom "The Big Bang Theory." Had me laughing so much, episode after episode I was deeply laughing. It felt so good to actually like this show that Derek often talked about...I hadn't been sure, he use to drive me crazy with his enjoyment of "Hogan's Heroes." when we were teenagers, ha!

I said to my husband after a couple of nights watching this show "Oh my god, I am like Sheldon in all his social situations, not brilliant like him but in thinking "why do people act like this?" ways....if I had gone to school I would of been in the group of nerds in a heart beat." My husband replied "Took you long enough to realize this, at least you can see it now. I keep trying to help you but I think you have to realize this on your own." I laughed so much, and I loved laughing too! It's refreshing to know and understand this sitcom holds such humor and comedy that I have seen in other people around me, actual word for word conversations that I have had, truly amazing clever wit!

I think I am going to enjoy this sitcom for the rest of these cold winter nights.....for laughter and tears are my favorite combination!