The Greatest Showman | "From Now On" with Hugh Jackson

I woke up with this song in my head after a reflective weekend I feel ready to face the world again, If Hugh is told he can't sing and still does this then I say no matter how sad, or how painful life can get, we can always come back home!

We can always sing a little better from our renewed strength! 
Life is often redirecting us, so don't give up!

From now on.....

Memorial Day Weekend

       As I drove on to Pound Class after watering my garden and caring over my pets on that lovely magical Saturday morning it was moving into the afternoon so quickly that all I had been thinking of was getting to class on time.

I had a cozy clean home with napping cats, and dogs chewing on their treats when I left home everything was so perfect once again.

For my husband Tony was staying at our friend's house across the treasure valley, making sure their little old dog was okay and enjoying the more quiet peaceful home then with our 3 cats and 3 dogs who all panic when I am not home too.

As I drove on in focused on getting to my pound class on time in order to drum away working out to music which was my new favorite thing, I took a deep breath of this lovely day! 

The world looked so beautiful ready for the memorial weekend, ready for the summer to begin! (I was feeling inspired once again to carry my grief and think about good things, things in hope for the soon to arrive summer.)

I suddenly had an image of my husband laying on the floor, I was instantly alarmed as I drove along, so I tried calling him to ease my sudden fear, thinking to myself "Tony needs me."  

So I wondered if I was having a panic attack, trying to tell myself not be so dramatic, Don't be silly. 
Then I simply changed my plans and drove off to go see Tony instead of reaching my class.

I came through the front door quite naturally chatting away "Hey Babe, I tried calling ya...like 20 minuets ago. I was thinking of swinging by the store but didn't know what you wanted for dinner....everything is good back home, pets loved having me with them and the garden looks great. I took Oscar out for a walk so he's happy now too....Hey, where are you?" 
I stopped in the big kitchen realizing Tony wasn't in any of his usual spots so as I rounded the hallway I saw him laying on the bedroom floor..... 
"OH MY GOD!" was all I could exclaim as I race to his side.

It was just like the image in my head that had flashed before me as I drove to Pound class. I had convinced myself I was being silly to worry, to react so quickly to my sudden fear.....
I was in pure panic for a second trying to figure out why in the world he was laying here.

He looked right through me as he struggled to explain "I just can't, I can't believe it. I'm not hurt, I just...I didn't know what to do and you always say the ground is the safest place to be." 
I held my breath in fear of what in the world has happened.....
He began to cry again as he tried to explain to me what was wrong. 
I held my breath as I always do in receiving bad news.
I was right down on the floor beside him, listening carefully and then I asked slowly "What has happened? Did someone die?" 
He nodded a yes.
I hugged him as he explained that his friend's 10 year old boy had a brain aneurysm and now the family was all at the hospital. 
We cried, we hugged each other on the floor and sobbed for our dear friends and their sudden loss.
The whole world looses out when such good happy people die suddenly. I knew what we could do next in being supportive through such hell, such pain of this day one year ago......
I explained to Tony "Let them scream, let them cry for this will never be alright. But we can go be there with our love."

In grief we enter a fog, we hit a solid wall. We can't think as sharply as we had in trying to understand what has just happened.

In grief we are defeated, we are never the same again.

In grief we can embrace an overwhelming love for everyone else around us. We seek new strength, a new idea in how to live again......

So Love your families just as they are, Love them Always!

The Roses

My brother Derek planted roses in his front yard and as I trimmed them up this spring I wondered what colors they were going to be.....

I hope to grow more roses in the back yard but I first wanted to know what colors I already had growing here.

I am always fascinated by roses and they smell so good! I agree that they are a lot of work with a lot of bugs that love them too....but it's truly amazing when they bloom and come alive!

Choir! "Grow Old With Me"

I really like my graying hair, always have admire gray hair. 
I have always been annoyed by the cosmetic world for women trying to hide old age. We should honor wisdom and time in people who have been around longer then ourselves.....

I want to be wrinkled, gray and slow in sitting with a cup of coffee telling great stories, sharing big life lessons and admiring my good good life!

I have lived an amazing life, I have met so many amazing people along the way too....that now as I see 4 decades just around the corner of my time on this amazing beautiful earth I am left in awe.

I will grow old with tears in my eyes for all I have breathed, for all I have dreamed and how it all came true!

Come Alive! For I am dreaming with my eyes wide open!

Faith Hill - "Wild One"

To ALL the women out there fighting for a chance at a life of their own!   As I heard reports of the latest school shooting being blamed on a girl rejecting the shooter's advances as I see the common reports on women breaking up with men then they go on a shooting rampage. I sigh sadly and shake my head for women should never be afraid to live their own life, have a say in their own situation. To be brave enough in standing up to any man or any one who tries to control them, to disrespect them or make them not who they really are.  If they call you the wild one, then chances are that you are on the right track for a great life out there in the world! 
END THE ABUSE.
Be brave and fight against the blame, women are force to be reckon with! Don't be on the wrong side of history when they speak up all together.
Whenever I hear "If women were in charge...." I smile and nod adding "We can be in charge, it takes team work and true courage to fight back!"

"She's a wild one!"
I tip my hat with a proud smile saying "Well then GOOD for her!"

The days of the Bull

   

     As it turns into Gemini today I have been thinking a lot about the Taurus sign. The days of the bull have flown by as I bulldoze right through my life, right through my garden projects and yard work. 

Every day feels like it has been a go, go, go situation. I have been accomplishing and finishing up all my plans and all my projects. 

At the same time I have been thinking a lot about my sister, born under the stars of the bull her personality has been spot on with the description of a Taurus sign. 

From birth we struggled with each other, our mother often pinned us against each other too, saying it wasn't fair that everyone like me but didn't like Dana. This was the foundation of our sisterhood that struggled in every breath, in every way. An Aquarius is warned to stay away from a Taurus. So now I realize the stack was against us from the very start! 

How profound to realize after almost 40 years of stressful communication, of completely different opinions and of both strong willed stubborn personalities in the opposite direction made us always keep each other at arms length.

Sometimes I would boldly say something to my sister and sometimes she would boldly say something to me....we were only kinda friends when we lived together. 

Sometimes she wouldn't listen to me unless I use her exact language and became very tough with her and sometimes she would feel bad if I burst into tears so we had moments of being in each other's worlds then once against almost instantly it was like we lived on 2 didn't islands from each other!

To say our sisterhood was a yo-yo is putting it nicely, If ever I challenged her while we were growing up I got hurt, she didn't just bulldoze over me, she took me DOWN. I would learn to surrender quickly in the sudden pain she could give....for she didn't like to be challenged.

In choking head locks and in bruises I realize it took a certain kind of stupidity or courage to face her head on!

    She will always be the Taurus, the bull.

When she chased my husband around the kitchen with a cake knife, he was very startled as her little kids were making noise and as we were all coming together I laughed at her theatrics and thought nothing of it until my husband said he was very afraid of my sister and I explain "It's all for show, I mean I think it is....well ya know... just try not to pick a fight with her if ya can." 

I began to realize that's how I lived through my whole childhood trying not to pick a fight and knowing all to well that whenever I did stand up for myself I would get beaten up for sure.

 The years have gone by now, time has aged us all. So I think as tough as my sister will always be, I can still appreciate her in my life.

For there are now real sad things we have in common. 

We both loved our brother Derek.

We both suffer greatly with him gone, that little kid we would pick on and tease growing up side by side all the time and  knowing full well how he was our parents most favorite child. Dana was the first to tell Derek when we were teenagers that Mom and Dad loved him more then us girls, he was a bit surprised and then nodded back at us with a proud smile and a wink. (In Christianity the men are far more important then the women it's simple sad fact for us girls who were always paying attention) While my sister tried so hard to be a boy, to be as tough as she can in proving to our parents that she was a strong smart women making up for not being another son to them, I simply sighed helplessly as I watched her struggle on. Our friendship with Derek was our common ground, the only way to get us both in the same room actually was when ever Derek asked us to come together for him. We loved our brother so much for in our 30's we saw the importance of family time.   Especially after the days in the hospital almost 7 years ago when my sister Dana said "Thank God Derek is here now maybe Dad will start to listen to someone." Once our father started to take notice of Dana again she became his guard dog and real life bull in his favor in everything, I had to step aside to not get run over down the dark hallways of the hospitals as our mother struggled back to life. I often wondered how I could make my friendship stick with my sister and then it came to me "She is a Taurus, the stars are against us."

      I will always love her, I will always try to understand her and I will always bring forth the water so that she can drink then I will  watch her storm away with her horns out and dust flyin from all around her as she gets on the move! 

She is the true bull in my life that has taught me so much!

The good things to come from these days of the bull is that everything gets done, everything is completed.

That and I have been thinking so much about my sister, these have been her days of the year....for her new home, for her birthday and for her mother's day, I can try to reach out in hopes to keep a connection that is very weak from our different ways in handling the recovery of our mother. 

I can hope for the best always, and know that it's alright how dramatically different we are from each other.

Our brother Derek LOVED teasing us and saying "You guys are basically the same person." "You are so much alike."  "You sisters of mine are exactly the same." and "You both have everything in common." then he looked so sternly and so seriously while we choked or reacted in disbelief. Then he would laugh and laugh while we would just shake our heads helplessly at him!

Coldplay - A Head Full Of Dreams (Official Video)

As I focus on the future, I realize how inspiring and how complete my dreams can become. To fix up my backyard and think of all the things I can grow gives me such hope and such joy!

As I had help from my baby brother Davey again, I realized when I was 19 years old I was very similar to him, it's inspiring to see him come into adulthood while helping me build raised beds. I couldn't have ever done it without him and then for a moment I thought of Papa Rudy who would of been proud of us as he was a carpenter and he always let us grand kids play in his work shop with his tools and pieces of wood. I loved the big pile of saw dust under the table saw or I would ride the saw horse.  Yesterday as Davis and I worked together I said "These saw horses looked like Grandpa's." He shrugged "They might be....I dunno." I often wish that I could take Davey back in time with me to show him the family members he never met and tell him all about my first 20 years with our extended families before he was born. 


I miss the past sometimes, but I also look forward to the future as I can see it all come alive outside!

I am ever so grateful for this day, with a head full of dreams I am enjoying my life!

A Playful Heart

When we feel healthy then happiness follows, when we feel rested and strong then joy is found all around us.

When we communicate in kindness and in love everything gets done.

When we are grateful for this simple moment with no other distractions and no other dramas, we can delight in the surrounding landscape of the world, the nature, the beauty of this earth. We can play!

 

So often as adults we forget to play or be playful with each other. When we were kids it was all we wanted to do, then time, responsibilities and worries matured us into focus on survival and success.

I realized this when I moved out into my first apartment, I was overwhelmed by the sudden need to save my money and yet have everything I need so I struggled in paying the bills and going out with my friends.  I noticed how when I played tennis or went for a walk through the neighborhood on my days off I felt happier then if I just slept all day and watched TV worrying about work in the morning.

I realized my obsession to work all the time was to feel normal, to not feel helpless over my finical concerns. I was empowered by the freedom more money brings yet I had forgotten to play. To just swing in the park or go for a hike in the foothills. In my one day off a week I would struggle in how to relax and to make time for friends or family. It was such a rough first year on my own, I was very cynical and judgmental leaving me to not like myself. In fact I avoided myself all together, I felt my success came from my job, from having nice things in my new home that I never had time to be in. When my grandparents died around this very same time in my life, I realized I had stopped dancing and singing, I had stopped taking friends out to lunch or playing with my baby brothers. My life had dramatically became adulthood, I had become very no nonsense.

It's easy to do when you grow up in such a fast way as I did, to not know how to be both responsible and playful. To take time for my own thoughts, my own feelings and my own self care. I have looked back wishing I could of mentored myself, I think we all do this in time wish to know what we now understand......When I was the healthiest in my whole life, I was very playful! 

I was not in a hurry to be anywhere but right where I stood. 

It was a magical time in my life that even as my best friend suddenly died, I cherished all of our adventures together! 

For I had made time in my life so we could grow close like sisters, we had picnics in the park, BBQ's in the evenings and we went on walks around our shared neighborhood and talked about everything!

In my grief my healthiness lessen, in my sadness I didn't feel playful anymore. It takes work to bring yourself out of your own head, the memories and the losses all add up with each decade of time. I am grateful that I had a best friend to love life with! 

Whenever my husband gets down, or gets frustrated I ask him "What did you do today that was Fun?" He always snorts at me as if he had expected me to say just that......but I always explain myself. "If you are feeling stressed out go for a walk, or play a video game for a break just do something playful and fun to relax yourself, to have a break from adult life." It works every time he is always happier when he has his buddies over to play a board game or to make beer together. He and I talk about how important it is to enjoy life no matter what, and the what is always going to be there needing our attention. 

My playful heart is bursting right now in the nice weather and the gardening friends I see once a week! 

It's easier to pull weeds with help and with visiting away the afternoon. Some days we are laughing all over the place together and my joy comes back to me in a wise way that allows me to give thanks for my very breath again!

In good health and in good times I get so much more done in my day, I happily mixed some berries for a pie as I invited my husband's Dad and Brother with their wives over for dinner this week, it turned out great! We had such a great time with stories and laughter and yummy spring inspired fresh berry pie! 

I felt like a kid again when I looked at it chilling in the frig! 

Choir! Choir! Choir! Sweet Caroline

  I have been crying a lot today, I have been working hard outside then letting my self just cry to the music as I work out all of my hurt, my life struggles and thoughts.

So when this song came on I danced and laughed again. It's even more important to me to be in the moment of joy, of delight and of gratitude whenever a song takes me there!

I have been rather very tired today after a weekend with my mother staying with me so I know this is how I always am in the first day back to myself.
I wish I could fix her pain and suffering, bring her back to the life she had before her stroke.

All in all I wish for so many things that can't ever be again. 

    Yesterday having my family come for a BBQ under Derek's roof, my roof for now, it all gave me such joy, such a longing to see Derek again too. 
So today I took myself out for breakfast, for a long cup of coffee and a slow dance in the back yard.....

I give myself grace to heal, to just be as I am.

For I love my life, my family and my friends. 
I love my sometimes grumpy pets.
I love the earth beneath my feet and I sure love this song!

A Hopeful Heart

It's such a beautiful holiday honoring our mothers, thinking of how they had to struggle in bringing us into this world.

To live with love in whatever the future holds is a wonderful way to honor such women who bravely gave us life!

To have a hopeful heart gives us such strength in making this a joyful life along our journey.

So have a cherished mother's day!

Nothing Compares to you

My husband Tony and I met each other 19 years ago this May.......seems just like yesterday sometimes.

Tony walked in to the shop I was sweeping around the registers after having washed out all the trash cans so it didn't stink so much, as working a fruit stand local small grocery store can often do. I loved my deep cleaning projects each week, I set a goal for myself on what to get done.
I had been told that Tony was coming in so I made a list of things he could do as I got into my soapy bucket and really washed down the display cases. I think this song was playing on the radio when he first walked in.....

He was instantly flirting with me but by the end of that afternoon we were in a deep debate, a disagreement. I will always remember liking him the very second we shook hands and not liking him when I went home from work that night. 
HA! Such is life!

We worked side by side a few hours a day for a whole week, He was 19 and I was 20 so in being friends first we took the next 4 years slowly in getting married and really knowing each other.

I often think of how challenging we are to each other, of how supporting we are as well. It's good to want the best for each other so we never hide our true feelings or struggles.  I look back in awe over all of our adventures, our shared stories and many social situations that taught us along the way.

It's not always perfect but it sure is peaceful as we sit a moment with a beer in the cool evening on our patio looking out over the big backyard as I share my gardening ideas and he says "Sounds good to me! I am glad ya like that sort of thing. I'm going to reformat our lap tops and get our movie list in order so we can stream to all the areas of the house." I chuckle at him saying "I am glad you like that sort of thing." and we laugh!