Naive Me

The crash at the front door was surprising, it swung open at 3am into my sister's bedroom. I was sound a sleep deep within my blankets as my dog growled at the floor of my tiny twin size bed. I woke up uncertain to have heard the crashing books fall from the case next to the swinging open door. "What was that?" I wondered as my father suddenly yelled that my dog wasn't allowed in my bedroom so she scrambled outside into the night or way early morning. I was barely sure what was happening, the screaming became so loud from both my father and sister. "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" My 17 year old sister screamed as our father demanded to know where she had been. He yelled in such bewildered fearful anger "NEVER TELL ME, TO GET OUT OF HERE! I OWN IT."  I began praying instantly as I did daily in that horrid year of being 18. They didn't stop and I was so confused, I had been deeply sleeping safely tucked away in my back bedroom with my old big dog. The cottage was our sanctuary, my teenaged sister and I. We had our own bedroom, Dana made her bedroom the big living room and I happily tucked myself in the back room as we shared the bathroom in the middle and used the refrigerator in the kitchen for all our snacks and drinks. Living across the farm yard from our parents gave us a new found freedom of showering whenever we wanted and not making our father mad when the hot water ran out. We also watched whatever we wanted on my sister's huge screen TV and stayed up all night long on the days we didn't have to go to work. "DEBBY! DEBBY GET IN HERE!" Our angry father screamed at me as I scrambled out of my bed terrified to be dragged into this fight. I was so sleepy that the bright light of Dana's bedroom surprised me and I ran into the door frame with such force that I held my head by the sudden pain. "DON'T TRY to make it LOOK like you are stupid and confused!" My father demanded from me. Dana yelled back "LEAVE HER ALONE! she WAS sleeping I am not making it up! YOU are acting like a crazy man GO BACK TO BED!" I often stood in silence around my father, anything I could say or do that made him smirk or nod at me was what I learned how to behave. I remember this night so well because my sister wasn't holding back how mad she was at him for busting through the front door into her room. He usually NEVER came over, never stopped by unless to yell out that we needed to go over to the other house to change diapers or babysit our baby brothers. I hadn't planned on running into the wall, I was just so shook up from my deep sleep that I stared on in horror by all the screaming going on in a few seconds, Dad slammed through the door accusing my sister of being out riding around with her guy friends, he had heard owl calls and saw head lights down the highway stop and blink several times. He was running around outside trying to catch my sister in some action of escaping or sneaking back in. I was completely confused by this event, "Why in the world would Dana want to be outside when it's so scary and dark? Especially with BOYS? How crazy does dad think she is???" I wondered to myself as I leaned against the wall knowing full well if they start swinging or throwing things at each other I wanted to be able to duck out for safety. These fights, these crazy ideas were growing in them more and more now that my sister grew older. No one could fight like those 2, I watched on in fear and trying to speak with a throat full of tears. "I WAS NOT OUTSIDE WITH A BOY! YOU are seeing things! GO! LEAVE US ALONE!" Dana pointed to her wide open door as Dad stood there wild rusty hair sticking out he zoomed in on my face to make sure I wasn't lying, and I stared back at him in honest utter confusion. Dad looked at me suddenly only inches from my nose and said "Are you pretending Debby, Was your sister out sneaking around tonight?" I was a bit shaky as I spoke "NO I really WAS asleep! Why would Dana want go outside this late anyway???" Tears flooded down my cheeks as my father back away unsure and looking truly crazy as he left. Dana slammed the door behind and mumbled loudly "Thanks for the trust Dad!" I sat on her bed crumbling into sobs from such shock. "Oh dry it up!" Dana snapped over her shoulder at me. She was still fuming with anger and I was amazed that she even got our father out of the cottage at all, I would never dream of speaking to him like that.... "What is going ON!" I demanded from her, she rolled her eyes around through out the cottage shutting windows and locking the doors. "Our crazyass father isn't sleeping, so he thinks I have all these boyfriends stopping by...It's not your fault Debby, please stop crying and go back to bed." Dana moved her whole bed in front of the cottage door that Dad had just crashed through seconds before. We only had one way out now through the kitchen, so this bought her some time next time he came in like that. "He scared the shit of out me! Who does THAT!?! just bust through the door not even asking to come in!?! a-hole..." Dana exclaimed to me as I helped her put pillows back on her bed in the new location, she was always saying words I didn't fully know the meaning behind. That night's drama stayed with me for a long time. I couldn't figure it out until years later, why would our father think we were lying to him or that we were running around in the scary night time? I was extremely naive I understand that NOW, But on some level I guarded and hide on purpose from anything questionable or scary even when dealing with the opposite sex, or dealing sex it's self.....I wanted to stay safely tucked away through those teenaged years. Finally when I became more aware I realized looking back that my father had the right suspensions, he really lacked the tactfulness in addressing them.

The following weeks after this incident, I heard another crushing noisy in the middle of the night I sat straight up in bed this time afraid it was all repeating itself again, my old dog was deaf now so she snored in bed with me. There wasn't any shouting from my father, so I rolled out whispering into the dark "Dana, Dana did ya hear that odd sound? Dana, Dana someone is outside I saw shadow just now!" I was wondering why she wasn't answering me back right away, so I sprung onto her bed grabbing her by the shoulder, "DANA! Someone is coming into the cottage!" I whispered down by her head on the pillows, at that very same moment the cottage door swung opened and I sat stunned while Dana walked in casually. She threw something behind her as she saw me, (later I would learn was a pack of smokes) I sat staring at her as she demanded "What are you doing up?" I was completely confused looking at her row of dolls and pillows under her blanket, it had looked perfectly like a sleeping body! I had even thought her doll's hair was hr own..... She demanded again "Debby what are you doing? Go back to bed." I sleepily explained "I heard something, thought someone was trying to break in!" She nodded while clearing out her bed of stuff acting like it was normal explaining "It was just me I went for midnight run." I sighed with relief and then half hugging her so happy to not be alone after all. She pushed me back saying "Go back to bed...everything is alright." 

The very next morning I was feeding my baby brother in the high chair as I chuckled out loud explaining to my mother how startled I was in the middle of the night, my sister walked by me just in time to smack me on the back of my head really hard. I suddenly realized I had been missing a piece of the puzzle, I took the hit as sign to down play how truly frighten I had been. Then I raced after Dana in the side yard asking "Am I not able to talk bout it?" She spun round so fast in one long hiss right up to my face whispering "Debby! You are the most Naive person on the whole planet! Never tell Mom and Dad about stuff like that okay, they won't think it's funny like you do! but if you must know I have to have a smoke when I'm not at work...besides it's not really any of your business.........JUST shut up about what you don't know, Ooookay?" I nodded willingly and then paused to ask her "What does Naive mean?" She rolled her eyes and shook her head as she walked away. I was left standing there in the morning sun light suddenly worried over many different things, not quite sure which one to figure out first..............................................................................