A Mothering Moment

The hospital lunch room was full of small round tables for the patients in their wheel chairs to pull up for the meals. My mother was surrounded by my three teenaged brothers, they were all demanding from her to eat and to move her paralyzed arm. She was clearly annoyed, clearly upset as I walked up to this scene. I happily sat down chatting away about the beautiful day outside and how summer is a good season to recover in the hospital for those wheel chairs strolls outside in the bright warm sun is really quite healthy! I was watching the boys like I always do, observing and caring over what I could see needed desperate love and help. Those days almost a year ago, surrounded by drama but not wanting to leave my mother alone there at the very same time were struggling emotions for me...Why, Oh why did my mother have a stroke? Why THIS family??? These boys were wiped out I could see it in the way they yelled out at our mother, They were doing what our father told them to do...make sure she stays up to eat all of her dinner. I sat bewildered trying to calm the situation down. Over my life time, the dramatic stories situations created in me a confident calmness as an adult that now I see past the actions out front currently unfolding to wonder what is REALLY going on inside the angry family member before me. I survive it by also thinking what is lovely, what is good and what is true hope in this very sad situation. Over and over in my head I repeat "You are kind, You are smart, YOU are important..." Now in mothering my brothers, I had to learn the hard way that they were not my own kids, that when I asked to care for them or bring them over to my home which was very close to the hospital I was rejected. Slowly and sadly I let go of trying to see them as much as possible once again I knew they weren't ever my own but just my "Baby Brothers" out of reach of my unconditional guidance and friendship...maybe one day as an adult they will want to hang out, I will always welcome them. A mothering moment always presents itself when now they are young sheltered teenaged boys, whose life was centered fully in our mother taking care of them, now they take care of her. They have no plans outside of just being with my mother, they don't know any other kind of life so now I "get it". My mothering ways need to end for they just want to be left alone. On that sunny summer afternoon at the hospital I sat watching them trying to do everything they were told all at once in some kind of stressful panic and the end result was of our mother fighting back with them. So I said sadly "You boys need a break, need a day at home to take the longest nap of your life. Then y'all would feel so much better." Mom nodded and mumble "I would say so...." as she began eating her lunch. My three brothers all slapped me and shouted back "She NEEDS to move her arm or at least TRY!' They were all telling me at once in such loud angry voices that I had to push them out of my face and try to protect myself from all the hitting. (In my family Hitting is winning control over the person who isn't doing what you think they should.)  I was amazed that my baby brothers grew up to be such hitting people now in that moment I sat stunned for only a few seconds, (I had been hoping the hitting ended only with my sister. No one could hit as hard as she can) Towards the end of my mother's stay at the hospital my sister was hitting me regularly so I learn to dodge it thinking to myself "This is CRAZY I am 32 years old now! Can she still get away with this?" I sat at the table with my mother trying to calm down my brothers and tell them NOT to ever hit me again. They continued down the long list of bad behaviors from our mother, the depression she was feeling made her refuse to get out of bed for therapy. I knew this day would come, I knew she would process slowly just how blind and paralyzed she is now and it would crush her. Dark days are all apart of surviving such trauma. As I begin to explain this to my brothers they mostly just rolled their eyes at me in trying to let me know how wrong I was in letting Mom talk all about how much pain she is in. Then instantly I said loudly over their voices of protest "What about FORGIVENESS? What about Forgiveness towards Mom over whatever she said or did yesterday....start again today with endless forgiveness, like a clean slate, what she did or didn't do last week is gone. why can't you guys forgive her for such pain she is in?" My mother nodded eagerly and commented "Listen to Debby." (something I am sure the boys NEVER thought she would say) Suddenly my young brothers froze in place, wide eyed and mouths hanging open sat stunned by those words. I continued "Surely in church you heard about forgiveness right?" I asked again as they scattered away from the table. leaving Mom to eat her meal in peace.
Now it was Davey my 12 year old brother whose words stayed with me as I chased him to say I didn't want to ever fight like that but I had explained what Mom needs now more then anything is true forgiveness. He leaned in on me as he exclaimed "I just want my mom to come HOME, she HAS to do her therapies or Dad said she might not come home" I nodded thinking how fearful we all are of our father but I softly looked back at the tearful face before me "She will come home if you make her think it would be fun and nice there. She needs to know this pain will heal one day, Forgiveness brings her to hope again." Davey looked like he was actually listening to me as he whispered "I just want my mother back." Then We cried together.