It's interesting to me that last year I wrote a story in my facebook notes about my mother. It comes from somewhere deep inside of me, of always knowing she and I had limited time together......
Forgiving her took me on a long emotional journey through out such painful memories and hidden issues, if anything beautiful comes from all these things so sad in wondering about...I think it's how I knew deep in my heart that nothing matter but our simple laughter when together. For those memories will be loved, will be what I lean on in my years ahead. For I knew that there was nothing to judge, no right or wrong person at fault in our relationship, it was just us.....We were mother and daughter from the being in a time not ready for a family, not ready for our honest differences. My mother loved babies her whole life but was often in total shock and bewilderment once they grew enough to talk back. I was a "handful" she reminded me often later on as we shopped together as adults, (I also think for some people how you behaved as little kid is something they can't get pass.)
Forgiveness was needed in my life back when I thought about all of this, for a mother's rejection hurt deeper then I was going allow. AND I lived through many moments like that with her, total abandonment. It taught me to be strong this is true. and to realize if ever I was a mother that NOTHING not even God would come between me and my kids! That's a passion inside of me for which I am glad to have! One that really hits home to my heart! So as Forgiveness came to me like fresh cold water on a steaming hot hike up the mountain side, I was free from the fears that makes us wonder why our own mother wouldn't like us? Wouldn't try to be our everlasting friend? I had forgiven her while wondering "Who she is? Whose the real person inside that very guarded self of hers?" Then I was determined NEVER to give up on connecting to her. Now on this mother's day today I am reminded of her very important part in my life as it makes me stronger then ever I would have been otherwise..........................................
Here's what I wrote last year on Facebook;
This Sunday is that beautiful holiday in SPRING where you think about or spoil your MOTHER. I have loved this holiday ever since I was a little girl and my father took us kids to pick out a rose brush for our mother. She had created a flower bed tower over the axial of our trailer house, it was so creative while most trailer park homes had that melt thing sticking out in the front lot. My mother covered it in such a good design! My thought was during those rose bushes all alined, my mom desired the darkest, deepest red so she knew that I loved her just THAT much! It was the first mothers day I took note in remembering, after that she got hand made cards or a picnic table or flowers. I really have a beautiful barbie doll mother, who never saw herself in that way. I once told her as I held up my barbie that she was a brown haired barbie! (I was only just a kid and didn't understand why that comment freaked her out so much.) She didn't WANT to be a barbie, she didn't think those toys were modest enough to play with actually..... I would have LOVED to of grown up with even some of her beauties! (I think I might be more like a "Cabbage patch kid" hahahahahaha) ANYWAY, My mother is as opposite to me as 2 woman can be, yet we are quite alike sometimes! I thought about how as I turned 30 (A couple of years ago) in comparison to my mother I was from when she turned 30 and I was 10...so really IF I had a smart 10 year old by now I am sure my own mistakes would be archived too. In that compassion, in that understanding I can forgive my mother for all of our history. Good memories are just as important to learn from as the bad ones, yet some the drama of my childhood comes from my mother's personal fears or faith. She will always be loved by me, I will always desire to know her better and most importantly to look through her own eyes at our lives. I love the moments we have now as we laugh and connect in our new adult friendship, if I was still a child THAT friendship would of ended us, and we would never want to see the other person again. Luckily, I grew up! And learned how to relate to my mother on a whole new level, I both admire her and respect her strong passionate beliefs. I don't always follow her thinking or personality, but she is forever my mother. As these years began with our shared adulthood, it brings us to some kind of common ground. She may always quote the same lines of scripture, have the same political views since the 80's and I will always smile at these reminders of my youth, of the way things used to be and how thankful I am that I have learned NEVER to disown her. She is my mother, the lady who did her very best, and I love her for it!
May everyone love and remember their Mothers on this day!
My husband frowned as I grabbed my purse going out the door, "Soooo for YOUR 30th birthday your mom is taking you SHOPPING late at night?!?!? Does she NOT know ANYTHING about YOU?!? YOU HATE SHOPPING!" I laughed in reply "Again, it's NOT ABOUT ME." He shook his head "BUT it is for YOUR birthday?" I nodded with a smirked "I know it is really hard to understand but I am not doing THIS for ME, My mom loves shopping like I love training dogs, it's comfortable and sometimes you want to share what you love with someone else." My husband sat down annoyed and deflated, he sighed as he said "Well maybe tonight you 2 will talk everything out?" I smiled thoughtfully at my husband as I explained "Noooo probably not, see while you are shopping if someone asks you a personal awkward question about the past, you can just grab a nearby shirt off the rack asking "Oh now doesn't THIS look SO CUTE!" then that personal question is never answered and the time moves on." He was shaking his head as I kissed him goodbye, "I guess that is why you are in my life, to show me compassion." I chuckled happily back at him in my reply "And forgiveness...once you can forgive someone, you will find that you can love them even more then before!"