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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

For this is Love

In was a cloudy day at the age of 8 years old when I asked myself for the very first time "What is LOVE?" It would take me an over all  4 more years to actually answer that question. For on this cloudy day I cleaned my bedroom in the trailer house we lived at the time. Our Mother had just told us we were meeting new friends and needed to have everything in it's place. My Sister and I shared a bedroom with bunk beds and yellow shag carpet. We had a book shelf full of kids books and stuffed animals. Along with shelving up high were most of our breakable things were displayed. Our beds were made by matching quilts our mother sewed for us. Bright yellow with painted kittens doing fun thing like chasing a ball of yarn or drinking a bowl of milk. My favorite square picture on my quilt was the bright yellow kitten sleeping. Now I stood looking around at our bedroom as it was cleaned. We had a big picture mirror on the wall by the closet where our toys were tucked away in baskets on shelves inside just below all our clothes. My Sister Dana and I shared a room together until we were 16 and 17. Needless to say we often laid down a line of masking tape to keep her side from mine. I would freak out with her pile of laundry laid over on to my side and I would squeal loudly "Oh NO! get your stinky laundry back!" I would demand then she would shove me and I would shove her right back until one of us was so mad and crying we went to our Mother in hopes to solve this problem. So while these friends came on that cloudy afternoon, our bedroom was clean on both sides on the tape. Though we kids had never met before I felt slightly suddenly nervous that they won't like us. Being Home-schooled and stuck in this little house every day didn't teach us kids how to be social. Usually when trying to get someone to like us, we would run in circles giggling. But on this day I remember it like yesterday for I was just 8, I had these huge eye glasses that cover a part of my cheek bone too. my blond hair was stringy and my brown eyes sometimes shared in a little green color. Now I only know this because it was the very first day I stopped to look into that big picture mirror in the bedroom. For these new friends came into our bedroom watching us introduce ourselves. Two girls and a boy with bright blond hair and a bit older then us, I just chattered away about who I was and how happy I was to have them to play with. It was that adorable boy with blond hair and blue eyes that starred at me as I showed them our tiny bedroom. I noticed he was watching me the whole time, my heart begun to flutter and I glanced at the mirror for the first time in my life, I wondered "What is HE looking at?" He never stopped watching me. I could feel my life changing right in front of me. When I smiled right at him, he smiled back and his sister shoved him then he looked flushed quickly leaving the room. He was just eleven years old, but it was at that moment I wondered why he was so shy, when I so clearly wasn't. I wanted to be his friend almost instantly! I came very interested in what he thought of me. I worried suddenly that I was quite the nerd or geek. His sister who was my age, grabbed me by the arm in giggling that very moment explaining "He likes you! He wouldn't stop starring at you! I know him, and he really likes you!" She smirked and I frowned with many questions of my own. "I like him too!" I replied honestly as we went outside in the back yard where all the other kids had gone. She squealed and said "I can't wait to tell him then!" I was suddenly alarmed that she meant more then what I thought. She was quick to tell everyone what I had just said and I was instantly embarrassed. Yet it was in the same moment of wanting to die that he came up to me and told his sister to stop. Then he winked at me as he lean in closer to reassure the teasing will not stop. Perhaps at that moment I was in love.
That night as I laid in bed wondering about boys, the repeated question that I debated over was what is love? Does it make your heart stop like mine had done that day? Does it make you happy to hold hands or even want to kiss though really kissing would be so gross...won't it? Maybe I should pray about this, for if God is in charge then I need to remember this day very carefully.

One of my most favorite times while visiting up North in St.Maries Idaho, was getting some time alone with my cousins Trina and Cally. I loved these girls so much for really they were my very first friends. Trina was just 5 years old then me, She was always creative with playing games, or building something out of wood in Papa Rudy's shop. She would give my Sister and I bracelets and gift bags of goodies. She took the time to explain important details about TV shows or farm animals. I ate up all her information about how the real world works out there...Cally spent time painting our finger nails and doing our hair. She was just a couple of years older then me, we almost always were hand in hand where ever we went. Now I adore them both and liked when it was just the 3 of us walking and talking on Cherry Ben road, or sitting on a big huge rock in the field outside of our Grandparents house. This is were our most intimate conversations took place. "Have you ever kissed a boy?" I would ask them, they would chuckle and ask me instead of answering if I had a boy in mind I wanted to kiss. So I told them of the one boy in the one moment of my life that I suddenly realize I should stop to look in the mirror just in case I have something stuck in my teeth. Now my cousins burst out laughing together and half hugging me as they said "Oh Little Dee, you have a boy crush that is the cutest thing!" I would snap up alarmed "NO It's NOT cute! If my Mother finds out I am dead then Dana and Dad will both tease me forever. It will make all these times his family hangs out with my family all the more horrible! I would want to die!" I explained. They seemed confused, then as I explained it all out I realized that now at age 10 if I wasn't careful my secret would be out and my heart would be broken. Trina walked with me later saying "I am always going to be here for you if you want or need to talk, it is really fun to have a boyfriend. But with your parents I think you are smart enough not to try for one until later." I hugged on to her as we walked, then when I felt really safe I showed her my very first love note from him. "What is this Dee?" She asked as she read the 2 lines worn thin paper, "He wrote it to me on Mothers day after I wrote him first, His sister encourage me to write and I was almost completely sick over doing it! He is 13 now and likes all kinds of girls. But this note was amazing to me!" I whispered as if I could be arrested. It read "Debbie I like you too, you are very sweet and very cute! You have a beautiful smile that makes me smile too." Trina hugged me laughing again "THIS is a big deal, he even says With love before his name! that is very special indeed!" I had the love note tucked safely in a locked dairy at home but for this trip it hidden in my purse with the inside zipper. It was only a 4 month old note by this time yet it was almost shredded as much as I had read it and smiled. He drew a funny face with big eyes and a tongue sticking out. I first traced over the face then I began drawing it from memory onto many other letters to people from that time on. I often asked myself  "Do I love him? what is love?"  Trina was the support I needed in understanding boys and these kind of love notes. Cally would always say to me that I could have any boyfriend I wanted as beautiful as I was, but it was my cousins who I thought that they were truly beautiful. They could curl and style their hair so easily. They even wore make up, jewelry and heels, I wanted very much to look just like them. I was so proud when they taught me how to curl my bangs in that 80's style flip high up in the air with the help of hair spray, it shredded down the side with curls. Having a wave look around the face. Once I had that style down I thought I was just so cool! Now when the late 90's came about someone boldly pointed out I shouldn't wear my bangs like that anymore.
One day while Trina, Cally and I sat in Papa's shop, and I was 13 years old. I asked excitedly "How is John doing  lately?" I knew I only had a very short window of talking about boys without being discovered by my parents. Cally looked at me confused "Who?" she asked and Trina shrugged not sure either. 
"Your boyfriend !" I exclaimed. All at once Trina and Cally laughed together. "Girl that was months ago!" Trina explained "when you go to public school having a boyfriend for a week or a month can seem like forever!" I sat bewildered "But you guys went on and on last time I was up visiting about him, so I was hoping I would get to meet him in this visit!" I was still trying to understand this world of public school and boyfriends. Cally asked me "Soooo do YOU have a boyfriend yet? you are old enough now." She grinned and winked at her sister. Both Trina and Cally came in closer to me to find out what I was mumbling. I glanced all around Papa's shop to make sure no one was around. For whatever I had to say was very top secret stuff, I sighed and said "I am still in love with the same boy as always." Both girls threw up their hands and backed away like it was so ridiculous. Trina asked "How many YEARS has it been since your first love note?"  I counted 2 or 3. Cally frowned asking "Isn't there more boys then him in your homeschooling group?!" I laughed at their reactions. I was beginning to realize just how weird I honestly was about boys. Then Cally suddenly warned "You shouldn't say "Love" that is a really big word, with crushes and liking someone it isn't as heavy as the word Love." Trina nodded then sat down beside me to talk more "We just don't want you to get your heart broken over just one guy the first boy who ever winked at you. You have so much time to still flirt and play with boys not taking this whole Love thing so seriously. I don't think you understand Love yet." I smiled at this comment and decided it was time for me to share what I had discovered. "I want to just like one boy, it's hard enough to figure out how I feel without adding more boys to possibilities, Besides I would rather just love one person then to "like" so many for little silly things. Love is the most wonderful feeling in the world, with everything beautiful in just that one person. He doesn't have to like me back at all because I am honored I get to admire him, to know him and to just be around him for what ever little time that might be. Love that is so true and pure, in Love I am wanting him to have the most happiest life possible. You can see how handsome his is, but it really comes down to the heart. You want everyone to really love him and be there for him! When so clearly it's not going to be you to share in that after all. You can hope that love never leaves you alone while you say goodbye to that person, having changed you for just knowing him. True Love gives and never takes, for it wants that person you were so luckily to be friends with, to know everlasting love and have a joyful life." I finished explaining to my cousins, as I twirled around the shop talking. I was now 13 years old and Love was the most important question I asked of myself in the last 5 years. Their eyes were huge and they kept glancing at each other as if to ask is this for reals? I stopped to see what they thought of my discovery, I didn't like talking about love around my own mother I knew she would freak out even more and my father would dig for the boy's actual name. My sister would roll her eyes and my brother would just snort if I told them I understood what love was. Now at this moment I waited on the shock of my cousins, then Trina replied "Wow! Little Dee you are growing up so fast. But really your parents are going to need to let you date and just have fun." Cally said as we left the shop "I think you are a hopeless romantic, it's really cute!"
As the blond haired, blue eyed boy grew up, got married and had kids. I thought how happy that makes me to know how beautiful his life is now. How important he was to me in understanding love.

"You kissed me!" He exclaimed as we ran right into each other in dark on his cow farm. I was so shocked that he was close just as I slammed into him. "No I didn't!" I exclaimed as I moved back quickly. He pulled his baseball cap down more in the moonlight for we all were playing flash light tag on that warm summer evening. I was just 12 years old and determined  not to let him tease me as he usually did. "YOU kissed me! I know it!" he grinned so smugly and I pushed him hard to get out of my way, but he grabbed my hands and swung me fast around then let go saying again "Oh now admit it you liked kissing me that is why you ran right into me." I was so surprised by his pull and stood a moment against the old barn as he walked away with a wink. "I didn't! I was running away! who runs into a kiss...oh please!" I snorted bravely but felt instantly light headed. He waved the flash light on as he ran back towards me saying "We can see now how that actually happened, quick Debby run back to me in the same way..." He was laughing so hard as I ducked back into the dark barn squealing out "No!"  
So while I stayed hidden out of sight, I was still smiling at the sound of his laughter.

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