FREEDOM!

                               The desire for freedom came to me when I was very young, when I realized my parents didn't have my best interest at heart, kids can sense when they are not wanted, or not respected. When everyone around them is living in chaos or the fear of failing....as my parents put a ton of rules on me and they tried to hide their home life struggles from everyone else, I was a honest blunt child who thought we shouldn't hide from our mistakes especially if God already knew about everything bad we have done.
I was desiring any peace I could find away from my parents and my family, I climbed up into trees or sat on the roof of the old chicken coop wishing to be free from all this painful struggle in obeying my undeceive emotionally charged parents.
I always liked that my parents had personality and lots of energy, bursting out in their passion to declare what was right and what was wrong so strongly with no fear of judgement from others, I did notice some of my friends had parents that never reacted to events that quickly so I admired my Mom and my Dad as I grew up while also realizing I needed my space away from them in order to feel calm again.

My parents were also never happy for very long in one church or another, in my first 10 years alive we moved through churches and saw so many different kinds of systems in Christianity, some scary and creepy, some were boring and long, but every so often there was a church full of entertainment and excitement that had me watching everything on stage like a Broadway show!
I did like the tiny old churches with people in their farming clothes and talking in a laid back way about who God was to them.....one church was so small that I had to sit on my mother's lap the whole time and we never went back. 
Life with parents like mine was never boring, an Aries married to a Libra makes far more sense to me now as to why they were always feeding the passion or the anger towards each other.

My desire for freedom started long before I really understood what I was feeling.......trapped and depressed? Tired and worried? Afraid of conflict or Afraid of yelling? I was always worried about what I would say next as a teenager, my mother noticed my change from bluntly saying in all honesty what I was thinking or feeling to my silent nod or agreeable cheerful chattering in hope to abide and be trusted. If my parents trusted me then they left me alone, I was able to find my own peace of mind when they felt like leaving me on my own. If I gave them any protest, any talking back or being disagreeable to them then they would peach for hours and stalk my every move in strong judgement and their need to control me. I learned quickly to bite my tongue and find my own peaceful place.

Freedom was the best taste of hope and love for my life force as an Aquarius, I was simply by birth under the stars that God created and set up to cycle through born to be free!

   I remember my first day of FREEDOM with joy and delight, always will I remember it!
Celebrating God was my true joy back then growing up in a christian religion full of judgement and rules, it gave me peace to pray and ask for God's guidance all the time in my walks on my own through the orchard trees and farmland. I found joy in the dirt, in the wide open sky full of wonders up there that God was always there for me! and now years later I STILL celebrate the Universe in much the same ways!.........finding my own freedom gave me this hope always and every single day of my life! 
Therefore I LOVE living here on this Earth even more now that I have my own freedom in my own hands at any time I need it.....

Remembering back to when I was 18 years old I was deeply focused on my church. For it was something I planned ahead for each week to never miss out on, It was my social network at that time actually. These were the days before facebook and online chat rooms, As a teenager growing up I would cried so much in disappointment if I was sick on Sundays lost in my misery because it would be another 7 days before I saw any of my beloved friends again....

Since church was my only social group, my parents trusted me to be on my own there and I found such comfort hidden away in quiet classrooms where I would sit and color or chat with a friend, we would cry and pray for the issues we had to face that week but I was free to just be me in that place and time. I often look back as I grew up I saw the hypocrisy in everything from the bible, to the church and then to my own parents.....the shock of how things really are often can still surprise me even nowadays! 
I created my own sense of self-love and self-worth long before my parents ever realized so when they would panic over my behavior of "Take me as I am." they would try all kinds of guilt trips, manipulations and mind games to get me to charge or to obey them even by the time I was 22 years old determined to move out on my very own, that was the first home of pure freedom I loved and cherished in full gratefulness as I tired to get a handle of my raging anger of understanding God isn't found in the bible or in a church building, God is by far bigger if maybe not even real to begin with! The higher power we give the unknown skyline, to blame or to use against each other is not freedom, it's slavery. Religion is a system of mind control that can be use to do good or to do bad simply by the person who is in charge making those judgement calls.
God is entirely free from the old pages of any book out there, if we desire to know more we will learn as we grow, we will find ourselves among all the unanswered questions and that very important gut instinct in ALL of us to accept what we can not change while realizing for the future we can!

             I burst out crying one Sunday after church as parents were so upset and declared that they were not going back to that place anymore I snapped back at them in my protest "I AM STAYING." It was my longest church stay in my whole life, I felt attached to it like a family member, I was 18 years old knowing now that I was driving I could take myself to church without them, so I stood up and explained "I love that place and I love those people. I will not leave it."
My mother snapped back at me "SO, You love your "church family" more then your REAL family??? See! this is why it's a horrible place! They are turning you against us!" I fought back "How can "they" do that? I'm not so easily tricked into ANYTHING, and I can see you guys any time everyday but I can not see my friends at church until Sundays usually, so I am NOT leaving! I am apart of a community with responsibilities to serve God there." I felt strong in who I was, but the looks of judgement and frowns were something I always got from my parents so I stood my ground on this event, knowing they'll always look at me in this way but I can't imagine starting over in a new church!
My parents sent me away to come back later on after we all prayed about this when they saw me return to them not changed in my protest, instead I simply said to them "If I can't go back to MY church, I don't want to go anywhere at all....if Grandpa can stay home on Sundays then I can too." My father sighed and shook his head like I was being silly again so he shrugged and they allowed me to attend my same church of those last 11 years of my life! I was praising God, I was dancing for joy and delight! I was given the best gift in freedom I could ever imagine! I didn't have to leave all my friends after all!
My first Sunday of freedom I drove to Church and sat with my beloved friend Tiffany, she leaned over at me with such a big smile and a smirk "I bet you feel so relaxed and FREE!.....your parents are so weird but you already know this, I have never seen you smile and laugh so much before!?!" I giggled and nodded happily enjoying my own seat and my own hymnal in my young hands and I sang out for joy in the glory of God who granted me such freedom! In those safe walls I felt my whole life opening up the beauty of the earth! I looked forward to my own space and time every Sunday morning, my freedom was growing and I had never been so happy! Tiffany walked around arm in arm with me after my first Sunday at church with my family going to a different church somewhere she said very thoughtfully and calmly to me "You have always been a happy soul but THIS...this is the REAL Debby I see before me, not afraid to share her thoughts or enjoy a good long laugh anymore! I'm so proud of you, so happy for you!" I leaned into her shoulder more bumping our heads together smiling saying back joyfully "It's my greatest FREEDOM of all!" She sprung up quoting one of our favorite movies "Little Women"  "Then go! and embrace your freedom and see what wonderful things become of it!" and I laughed out loud without glancing around to see if my father was frowning at me like usual, I laughed without worrying that my mother would say "YOU needed to be more "lady like".."  
................instead on that sunny afternoon along the wide open field next to our church we walked, we talked and we laughed so much! For I was free............

Yoga

       

It was a cold winter's morning when I drove off to meet my good friend Ericka who was teaching a new yoga class. I had never done an actual yoga class before so I was excited that it was a new year and new routines were beginning!

Yoga has changed my life for the better, my group is friendly, calm and encouraging so I look forward to it with gratefulness and with joy!

Going 2 times a week is making me stay focus on good health choices and keeping me from getting lazy about stretching.

As I empty my mind, my busy schedule, my desire to make money and to make a nice home life is all put aside as I simply focus on myself. 

In those yoga classes I leave it all at the door taking a deep breath for that still moment in time.

I see the Oregon Coast when I end the session in stillness, this is my much needed peace. 

I miss being in Cannon Beach, it feels like it has been forever because we use to go twice a year back in the day....

Life gets busy and as I grow older I notice things grow into more responsibilities, we can't just leave town and drink coffee all day in the cute Oceanside town like we use to.

Yoga reminds me of when I would walk in the morning sun light against the sand, I can smell the salt water and I can see my dogs running ahead of me. It is good to do yoga for the mind and the soul not just for the whole body. I will never do advance or dangerous head stands of course that's not my style actually, I will adapt if my arm or leg is hurting to not strain it even more in my yoga routines. I am glad that Ericka invited me and she is a really good teacher! I feel like I am learning so many new things going to her classes! 

One of my most favorite moves is called "The goddess." and I feel like I can take on the world whenever I do that move! I love that fresh renewing high after each yoga class, I have this understanding that I am capable of doing so many things with my life and with my new strength!

Yoga has been a great choice for my new year, it is apart of my joy, my renewed hope for growing old gracefully and wisely.

I am thankful to The Goddess, to the ability in doing yoga as apart of my everyday life now!

Happy Mother's day

                This is a BEAUTIFUL morning! I have been working in my gardens and watering everything yesterday, I have also been getting set up with my table and chairs on my front patio because my mother is coming over for lunch today! 
     I am so happy to be able to entertain her and have a family time in my magical wonderful home <3 

       I am so grateful for my mother, visiting with her on the phone once a week is nice to chit chat and I am able to catch up with her without driving out there all day, if I miss calling her that week she will call me to connect again.  And I have gotten so much better at telling her "No" in going shopping every time I drive way out there to see her on the farm. Sometime we just go out for lunch or we take a drive through the wine country.

I am grateful to have this honest and open relationship with her, I was helping her in the shower last week asking her "Are you eating healthy? Have you lessen your sugar in take?" She shook her head saying "No" explaining back at me as I shaved her legs for her, "I am not going eat healthy until your Dad gets my bath tub installed. Then I will be happy and want to look good again." I laughed at her wide eyed honesty. I joked back that sometimes eating healthy brings about happiness in feeling good again.   

I enjoyed my mother as she is, I am grateful to be her friend in these days after her massive stroke.  

Mothers are a very important person in our lives, she is the first person we touch, the first person we listen to and the first person we run to for safety.

Mothers are the most powerful person who can choose whether we live or die......so naturally on mothers day I sit in awe, in gratefulness and in wonder of that one person whose position is to raise and guide us. They can make or break us, they can give the voice in our heads such power over us as we grow up.

It's so important to understand this position of motherhood in order to create a better generation for world peace. I really do love this holiday because it's so full of new spring beauty outside! It shows how important love and care can gives us strength for the future!

Happy Mother's day!

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United Way of Treasure Valley Children's Book Drive 2016

        April was such a busy month of activities, of working for Untied Way and being apart of this fun Book drive for the children of our community.

The days flew by as we setup the working space of cleaning and boxing books. 
I enjoyed learning and meeting so many good kind people!
I am so grateful for this experience, it was a magical time to see such happy good things happen as we all worked together!

At the end of the book drive we counted over 71,000 books donated from our beautiful friendly caring Treasure Valley!

I am so thankful for being apart of United Way, it's a wonderful organization giving and helping to better our society. 

 The Children's book drive brought out so much joy and laughter, the realization that there is a huge need to have access to books and learn to read more makes me reflect back over this past month with awe and true joy!

I am glad that I got to be involve and to be around such happy energy full of hope for our future, for every book and every story has something to teach us, something to help us better our lives!

LIVE UNITED

Mercury Rising

It was the weekend of my birthday just this past winter that was dark and cold as I stood in my winter coat outside the Visual Arts Collective, The show was staring in an hour but the line to get in was stretching out into the street and way across the parking lot. I wasn't surprised, in fact I was 10 minuets early because I know how popular The Red Light Variety Show is! I also like people watching just standing in line bundled up as the rainy snow came down, slush! I liked standing there in my own thoughts, in my own space of time. My husband would of hated the trapped crowded feeling, the standing in place for a while as the cold winter winds blew past. Yet I didn't mind at all, I like all social things, I like singing and dancing with or without any crowds. I really love cheering, supporting and celebrating the ever so beautiful and talented ladies on the stage, their group has grown and changed over the years but the flashy style remains, the Red Light Variety Show will enchant you!
I sat happily drinking my beer while my friends all met up and settled into comforting chairs, elbow to elbow we leaned into each other as the place was packed out, the lights, the music and the stage came our main focus and I smiled so proudly to see my dearest friend dance in her clever humor and magical ways!
I loved the whole night, I was thinking about how fast life changes.....how quickly everything can be different. 
I remember the very first time I saw this beautiful burlesque show outside the Modern Hotel late into the July night. It was like watching the Circus unfold with even greater skill and strength! I was in awe of the pole dancers, the flame thrower and the earth shaking belly dancer! Now the show unfolded for me in my true delight and joy! One of my friends was watching for the first time and she was thrilled, she was saying how impressive every act and every scene was! Her awe and her happiness reminded me of my own, the fact we were all honoring and celebrating such beauty before us made us even more alive on that cold winter's night. I hugged and chatted up with the performers, with some of my old friends and I realized that they are all more like celebrities now! The popularity and their success is rather quite huge and exciting! I truly do hope the show keeps growing with all the great music montages and clever classy scenes! I felt vibrantly young leaving the party late that night, thinking about how much the show feels the same as always, full of sparkling magic and mystic,  I am glad that I went, that I met new people and laughed so hard my sides hurt! I am in awe of the talent, the strength and true joy of the whole show bringing entertainment out in real human form! and I was left to wonder if I could one day try Aerial Swinging on my own too?                     

My Fear

         

         It's interesting to me that shortly after getting married I noticed my fear would flared up into anger instantly.

If our neighbors had a crazy fight that startled us awake in the middle of the night my reaction was to face them in my true angry boldness of my sense in right and wrong behaviors.

Or if someone ran up to my car yelling and being crazy I would yell right back at them "What's your problem? This isn't a safe thing to do!" even though I was startled or alarmed by these events I was never frozen in motion, I was thinking to myself "NO one has the right to make me afraid." 

Being married allowed for any scary event to be witnessed by my husband too, so when he replied "You could get shot going out into that neighbor's fight like that!?!"  I would pause with a "Ooooooh yeah, that's true.....my anger kicked in and I had to stand up for myself and everyone else." He would frown back explaining "No you did not HAVE to do that, you choose to do that."

One evening in our noisy condo life a teenager grabbed my flower pot off my patio and I leap out after him in full speed running and shouting "HEY! YOU! Give me back my flowers!" he dropped it startled and bolted in shock. I came home to a very upset husband who couldn't believe I would put myself at such risk, I replied "They are the only flowers I have right now, no one gets to STEAL them...!?!"  He exclaimed back helplessly trying to teach me safety first. "IF you got kidnapped over a pot of flowers then you would realize how stupid such a response like chasing him down was! my god!"

I began to realize I didn't have a proper sense of fear at the age of 24.

Fear was a big part of my childhood, therefore I am desensitized. 

I have worked over the last 12 years now on my reaction to fear, trying to understand why I react like I do against fear....I asked myself "Why am I not afraid when I SHOULD be???"

I have noticed that when fear comes rushing in I think instantly with such an alarming awareness that if I am afraid those around me are too therefore I need to react quickly stopping this alarming situation to keep us all safe again. 

My husband once said he could see me getting shot one day for trying rescue some stranger or a stray cat, he would have to deal with my lack of fear in this sorrowful way. I suddenly felt bad realizing I had to work on being thoughtful in my bold brave reactions.

I explained to him "If that happened to me then you should know I died doing what my heart and soul felt was right and in the end I have to live with myself." He cringed back shaking his head explaining "It's okay to be afraid and NOT react or do something. You can take fear to avoid trouble and protect yourself first."

I took his advice in studying myself for the years after we moved from the chaos of crowded neighbors to our little cute cottage. I realized that I can't just be silent and afraid at the same time, If I think I am in danger or those around me are in danger too then I react, I move, I warn and I stay alert.

However I will try as I grow older not react recklessly in my sudden fears, I will try to understand better my emotional responses and triggers when I am thoroughly afraid once again.

Life is a survival journey with fear being front and center to warn us, to catch our attention when something isn't safe or right.

Fear is wise, it is guarded and strong in letting me know that the next few seconds could be a life or death move! THIS is why I can't hide or stay calm, I want to kick ass back at whatever is frightening me as my last word to not let fear win. Maybe it is an ego thing, maybe it is a survival thing and maybe it is a very important thing to me. I am not afraid to be afraid anymore.

When I understand that someone is making me afraid or trying to fight or scare me I go instantly into  

"How dare you frighten me, you don't have that right." 

I have so many stories of when fear hit me hard, and I was a step ahead of the situation because it warned me ahead of time. I also have the stories of being caught off guard by fear and feeling like I could of handle the whole situation better looking back at it later on. So I think of fear as a life lesson, a part of the continuing stories we call life.

In the animated movie "Monster Inc." the city's energy ran on fear from children with the monsters going in to the children's bedrooms at night and scaring them but as the movie played on the monsters also had a huge fear of the children, the subject of fear in that story was very interesting to me because I want a healthy fear in me and I know it's not a shameful thing to be afraid. It's such a powerful emotion that is has a purpose in protecting ourselves.

From when I was 3 years old and I begged God to not send me to hell I had to face fear head on, I was surrounded by fear growing up that by the time I was 18 years old I had no fear of death, no fear of old age. Then when I lived out on my own I had a ton of new fears to face, by the time my husband noticed I had a huge lack of fear my history was rather easy to see why......It might not be healthy but I felt stronger in facing fear right away!

My fears are more fleeting now, I take them and let them go, I want to work in favor of myself with respect to every emotion I contain. Sometimes when I get afraid I hide away to ask myself why? sometimes when I am afraid I fight back with a "What the hell???" and yet it all makes me who I am in the end.

Fear is my warning, my call for protection in practicing my bravery. Therefore I am not afraid of my fear anymore...

fear

ˈfir/

noun

1. 1.

   an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

My Fire

an·ger

ˈaNGɡər/

1. synonyms:

   rage, vexation, exasperation, displeasure, crossness, irritation,  indignation, pique;  annoyance, fury, wrath, ire, outrage,  aggravation

noun a strong feeling of displeasure 

and belligerence aroused by a wrong;wrath; 

It has taken me almost 4 decades to humbly embrace my fire, my anger.

For anger is such a powerful emotion that has my fire bursting forth into the world around me, like a dragon I have learned to embrace and train it within reason.

     When I first lived on my own in a cute duplex that felt very scary at night, my fear often turned into anger.
I was 22 years old and my anger was keeping me from the kind of peace I wanted for my new adult life.
 While I felt like everything was a huge mess with the passing of my Grandparents, the judgement from my parents and the guilt that I wasn't back home helping to raise my baby brothers anymore, it left me with many anger issues to face....
And I did. 

Taking ownership of my reaction and my reasoning helped me not feel so out of control whenever I grew angry. For I had discovered that Forgiveness was the release to feeling victimized or full of guilt. It was hard to face myself when I got angry, I knew I didn't want to be mad all the time
so I began to cultivate forgiveness in myself then it naturally came about to Forgive my parents, I can move into the future without fear of an outburst of anger holding me back.

Forgiveness about my past which gave me such a new found freedom in embracing all my human emotions for the gifts they all hold made simply living my life grow into a wonderful world!

Often my anger is still fueled by my ideas in righteousness, self-importance and the need to be respected. I like understanding these trigger points in order to know why it will flare up out of my control at times and how can I use it for good not bad. I can feel anger long before it boils up so I  know it has a mission that I need to direct and stay on top of.

 I remember the first time I used my fiery loud anger to get everyone's attention to stop yelling mean things back and forth at each other. 
I knew all these forgiving, loving words that needed to be said in that craziness, so I shouted out very powerfully above everyone else "Why can't we just love each other!?!? What is wrong with letting go of the past and simply be grateful for each other right here and now??? Live with grace, goddamn it! Live with love!?! AND Stop fighting!!!" 
I had to take a deep breath and chuckle thinking to myself "Who has to yell these kind words out loud like this???...only in my family I guess..." so that big family fight did stop and they all looked at me in surprise for I usually didn't like to yell out unless backed into a corner. I sighed shaking my head ironically that my anger had a nice message at least.

 I actually really do like my anger now, because I understand it so much better then back in my early 20's, I can use it to improve or protect myself.

I remember when my best friend Benny said to me back in the early days of our friendship "Girl, I have seen you explode, you are like a volcano whose power comes from having been so nice, polite and kind for just so long until nothing is changing for the better then you snap into focus on how to put your foot down and protect yourself, it's a proud moment to behold when you explode by scaring the shit out those bullies! I admire you even more afterwards because it's a gift that you have, don't ever be ashamed! 
You stand up for yourself with your anger....I really like that about you."  

(Lately I've had some flare up anger issues that make me want to call up Benny in Heaven and ask her if I'm justified or just plain tired of being bullied once again?) 

At the hospital when my mother was recovering I noticed instantly how anger ran deep within all of my siblings on many different levels and in their own personal battles with this trauma, with that shared fear of our mother dying. 

I was trying to be calm day to day but after awhile I could feel the heat begin to grow up my back as my sister would hit me so hard because I said something she didn't like, I would choke back at the sudden pain and I was surprise of this happening more and more because we were grown adults and she would nail me without warning then I would rub my hurting side or arm wondering if I should fight back or not?.........THEN one day my anger shot out without much time for me to question my words in order to protect me from her hitting, I guess I decided it was enough.

For I had just finished chatting it up about what a wonderful summer day it was outside as my mother laid in her hospital bed, I asked her directly if she felt like taking the wheel chair outside for some fresh air, my mother smiled back nodding while at that very same second my sister's swinging arm was coming towards me once again, she wanted to shut me up and this had been her way of communicating that.

I stood up to catch her movement in mid swing and held her out away from me in her frowning swinging form as she was caught by surprise in my quick response to hold her out away from me, I felt hot burning anger fuel my greater body weight against hers as I angrily hissed in her face "IF you EVER swing at me again, I will have you arrested or I could just hit you back in the very same way until you realize this is a very stupid move to make in getting your point across!!! SOOOO next time if I say something that you don't like, JUST say "Debby, I don't like what you are saying to Mom." and we can talk about it in a reasonable respectful manner like the adults that we are now!!! AND never hit me again or else I will react in one of those ways....OKAY?!?" 

I felt amazing after that anger flare up, It was my true anger being used in a protective way for myself....it was an impressive moment that my sister never took a swing at me ever again. (Instead she gave me the silent treatment and I liked that much better.)


I'm not afraid whenever I face an angry person because I want to know and hear what they are really thinking.
 I want to understand why they are so mad.
My father was the very first person in my life to show me this fact, honesty usually came from him when he was angry. 
    
        One morning at the hospital by my mother's bed he apologized for his outburst the night before and I stopped him saying "Nope, no, don't ever apologize for being honest because that is very important to me. You can apologize for being disrespectful but don't be ashamed of your own honesty and what you really truly think. I am glad that we had a huge fight last night because that kind of emotional poison only separates us, so if we can bravely face our issues head on then we can begin to heal and be there for each other in a much stronger and healthier way." He starred at me in awkward confusion and half hugged me saying back  "Well, at least I shouldn't of yelled..." and I smiled back jokingly reminding him that I was very use to him doing that by now. 

Anger is a huge part of my childhood memories. 
I had to choose as a child quite often either to be afraid of my father, run and hide or to be angry right back at him going at it face to face in high volume and in equal eye contact. (I usually ducked down and disappeared from his rage to be honest)

My fire, my anger brings out such sudden warmth for my whole body which is a good warning signal to stay alert, Anger is many things for me, like personal growth and protection, it's motivation to heal, to be real, to stand up and to be brave. 
I guess my anger isn't really just one thing, I am glad that I am not afraid of it as long as it works in favor of bettering the situation before me, I understand all of this now........

and I am left in true awe over such a blazing emotion!

I am actually very grateful for my anger, it will always be there whenever I need a powerful push, it will help bring about peace and calmness in who I am the more I can study it and learn about it.

For my anger makes my joy so very strong and shining beautifully through those glowing flames!