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Sunday, April 17, 2016

My Fire

noun a strong feeling of displeasure 
and belligerence aroused by a wrong;wrath; 

It has taken me almost 4 decades to humbly embrace my fire, my anger.

For anger is such a powerful emotion that has my fire bursting forth into the world around me, like a dragon I have learned to embrace and train it within reason.

     When I first lived on my own in a cute duplex that felt very scary at night, my fear often turned into anger.
I was 22 years old and my anger was keeping me from the kind of peace I wanted for my new adult life.
 While I felt like everything was a huge mess with the passing of my Grandparents, the judgement from my parents and the guilt that I wasn't back home helping to raise my baby brothers anymore, it left me with many anger issues to face....
And I did. 

Taking ownership of my reaction and my reasoning helped me not feel so out of control whenever I grew angry. For I had discovered that Forgiveness was the release to feeling victimized or full of guilt. It was hard to face myself when I got angry, I knew I didn't want to be mad all the time
so I began to cultivate forgiveness in myself then it naturally came about to Forgive my parents, I can move into the future without fear of an outburst of anger holding me back.
Forgiveness about my past which gave me such a new found freedom in embracing all my human emotions for the gifts they all hold made simply living my life grow into a wonderful world!

Often my anger is still fueled by my ideas in righteousness, self-importance and the need to be respected. I like understanding these trigger points in order to know why it will flare up out of my control at times and how can I use it for good not bad. I can feel anger long before it boils up so I  know it has a mission that I need to direct and stay on top of.

 I remember the first time I used my fiery loud anger to get everyone's attention to stop yelling mean things back and forth at each other. 
I knew all these forgiving, loving words that needed to be said in that craziness, so I shouted out very powerfully above everyone else "Why can't we just love each other!?!? What is wrong with letting go of the past and simply be grateful for each other right here and now??? Live with grace, goddamn it! Live with love!?! AND Stop fighting!!!" 
I had to take a deep breath and chuckle thinking to myself "Who has to yell these kind words out loud like this???...only in my family I guess..." so that big family fight did stop and they all looked at me in surprise for I usually didn't like to yell out unless backed into a corner. I sighed shaking my head ironically that my anger had a nice message at least.

 I actually really do like my anger now, because I understand it so much better then back in my early 20's, I can use it to improve or protect myself.

I remember when my best friend Benny said to me back in the early days of our friendship "Girl, I have seen you explode, you are like a volcano whose power comes from having been so nice, polite and kind for just so long until nothing is changing for the better then you snap into focus on how to put your foot down and protect yourself, it's a proud moment to behold when you explode by scaring the shit out those bullies! I admire you even more afterwards because it's a gift that you have, don't ever be ashamed! 
You stand up for yourself with your anger....I really like that about you."  
(Lately I've had some flare up anger issues that make me want to call up Benny in Heaven and ask her if I'm justified or just plain tired of being bullied once again?) 

At the hospital when my mother was recovering I noticed instantly how anger ran deep within all of my siblings on many different levels and in their own personal battles with this trauma, with that shared fear of our mother dying. 
I was trying to be calm day to day but after awhile I could feel the heat begin to grow up my back as my sister would hit me so hard because I said something she didn't like, I would choke back at the sudden pain and I was surprise of this happening more and more because we were grown adults and she would nail me without warning then I would rub my hurting side or arm wondering if I should fight back or not?.........THEN one day my anger shot out without much time for me to question my words in order to protect me from her hitting, I guess I decided it was enough.
For I had just finished chatting it up about what a wonderful summer day it was outside as my mother laid in her hospital bed, I asked her directly if she felt like taking the wheel chair outside for some fresh air, my mother smiled back nodding while at that very same second my sister's swinging arm was coming towards me once again, she wanted to shut me up and this had been her way of communicating that.
I stood up to catch her movement in mid swing and held her out away from me in her frowning swinging form as she was caught by surprise in my quick response to hold her out away from me, I felt hot burning anger fuel my greater body weight against hers as I angrily hissed in her face "IF you EVER swing at me again, I will have you arrested or I could just hit you back in the very same way until you realize this is a very stupid move to make in getting your point across!!! SOOOO next time if I say something that you don't like, JUST say "Debby, I don't like what you are saying to Mom." and we can talk about it in a reasonable respectful manner like the adults that we are now!!! AND never hit me again or else I will react in one of those ways....OKAY?!?" 
I felt amazing after that anger flare up, It was my true anger being used in a protective way for was an impressive moment that my sister never took a swing at me ever again. (Instead she gave me the silent treatment and I liked that much better.)

I'm not afraid whenever I face an angry person because I want to know and hear what they are really thinking.
 I want to understand why they are so mad.
My father was the very first person in my life to show me this fact, honesty usually came from him when he was angry. 
        One morning at the hospital by my mother's bed he apologized for his outburst the night before and I stopped him saying "Nope, no, don't ever apologize for being honest because that is very important to me. You can apologize for being disrespectful but don't be ashamed of your own honesty and what you really truly think. I am glad that we had a huge fight last night because that kind of emotional poison only separates us, so if we can bravely face our issues head on then we can begin to heal and be there for each other in a much stronger and healthier way." He starred at me in awkward confusion and half hugged me saying back  "Well, at least I shouldn't of yelled..." and I smiled back jokingly reminding him that I was very use to him doing that by now. 

Anger is a huge part of my childhood memories. 
I had to choose as a child quite often either to be afraid of my father, run and hide or to be angry right back at him going at it face to face in high volume and in equal eye contact. (I usually ducked down and disappeared from his rage to be honest)

My fire, my anger brings out such sudden warmth for my whole body which is a good warning signal to stay alert, Anger is many things for me, like personal growth and protection, it's motivation to heal, to be real, to stand up and to be brave. 
I guess my anger isn't really just one thing, I am glad that I am not afraid of it as long as it works in favor of bettering the situation before me, I understand all of this now........
and I am left in true awe over such a blazing emotion!

I am actually very grateful for my anger, it will always be there whenever I need a powerful push, it will help bring about peace and calmness in who I am the more I can study it and learn about it.

For my anger makes my joy so very strong and shining beautifully through those glowing flames!

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