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Sunday, April 24, 2016

My Fear


         It's interesting to me that shortly after getting married I noticed my fear would flared up into anger instantly.

If our neighbors had a crazy fight that startled us awake in the middle of the night my reaction was to face them in my true angry boldness of my sense in right and wrong behaviors.
Or if someone ran up to my car yelling and being crazy I would yell right back at them "What's your problem? This isn't a safe thing to do!" even though I was startled or alarmed by these events I was never frozen in motion, I was thinking to myself "NO one has the right to make me afraid." 

Being married allowed for any scary event to be witnessed by my husband too, so when he replied "You could get shot going out into that neighbor's fight like that!?!"  I would pause with a "Ooooooh yeah, that's anger kicked in and I had to stand up for myself and everyone else." He would frown back explaining "No you did not HAVE to do that, you choose to do that."

One evening in our noisy condo life a teenager grabbed my flower pot off my patio and I leap out after him in full speed running and shouting "HEY! YOU! Give me back my flowers!" he dropped it startled and bolted in shock. I came home to a very upset husband who couldn't believe I would put myself at such risk, I replied "They are the only flowers I have right now, no one gets to STEAL them...!?!"  He exclaimed back helplessly trying to teach me safety first. "IF you got kidnapped over a pot of flowers then you would realize how stupid such a response like chasing him down was! my god!"

I began to realize I didn't have a proper sense of fear at the age of 24.

Fear was a big part of my childhood, therefore I am desensitized. 
I have worked over the last 12 years now on my reaction to fear, trying to understand why I react like I do against fear....I asked myself "Why am I not afraid when I SHOULD be???"

I have noticed that when fear comes rushing in I think instantly with such an alarming awareness that if I am afraid those around me are too therefore I need to react quickly stopping this alarming situation to keep us all safe again. 
My husband once said he could see me getting shot one day for trying rescue some stranger or a stray cat, he would have to deal with my lack of fear in this sorrowful way. I suddenly felt bad realizing I had to work on being thoughtful in my bold brave reactions.
I explained to him "If that happened to me then you should know I died doing what my heart and soul felt was right and in the end I have to live with myself." He cringed back shaking his head explaining "It's okay to be afraid and NOT react or do something. You can take fear to avoid trouble and protect yourself first."
I took his advice in studying myself for the years after we moved from the chaos of crowded neighbors to our little cute cottage. I realized that I can't just be silent and afraid at the same time, If I think I am in danger or those around me are in danger too then I react, I move, I warn and I stay alert.

However I will try as I grow older not react recklessly in my sudden fears, I will try to understand better my emotional responses and triggers when I am thoroughly afraid once again.

Life is a survival journey with fear being front and center to warn us, to catch our attention when something isn't safe or right.

Fear is wise, it is guarded and strong in letting me know that the next few seconds could be a life or death move! THIS is why I can't hide or stay calm, I want to kick ass back at whatever is frightening me as my last word to not let fear win. Maybe it is an ego thing, maybe it is a survival thing and maybe it is a very important thing to me. I am not afraid to be afraid anymore.

When I understand that someone is making me afraid or trying to fight or scare me I go instantly into  
"How dare you frighten me, you don't have that right." 
I have so many stories of when fear hit me hard, and I was a step ahead of the situation because it warned me ahead of time. I also have the stories of being caught off guard by fear and feeling like I could of handle the whole situation better looking back at it later on. So I think of fear as a life lesson, a part of the continuing stories we call life.

In the animated movie "Monster Inc." the city's energy ran on fear from children with the monsters going in to the children's bedrooms at night and scaring them but as the movie played on the monsters also had a huge fear of the children, the subject of fear in that story was very interesting to me because I want a healthy fear in me and I know it's not a shameful thing to be afraid. It's such a powerful emotion that is has a purpose in protecting ourselves.

From when I was 3 years old and I begged God to not send me to hell I had to face fear head on, I was surrounded by fear growing up that by the time I was 18 years old I had no fear of death, no fear of old age. Then when I lived out on my own I had a ton of new fears to face, by the time my husband noticed I had a huge lack of fear my history was rather easy to see why......It might not be healthy but I felt stronger in facing fear right away!
My fears are more fleeting now, I take them and let them go, I want to work in favor of myself with respect to every emotion I contain. Sometimes when I get afraid I hide away to ask myself why? sometimes when I am afraid I fight back with a "What the hell???" and yet it all makes me who I am in the end.

Fear is my warning, my call for protection in practicing my bravery. Therefore I am not afraid of my fear anymore...


  1. 1.
    an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

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