Behind the scene in listening

  Whenever I am with my mother I think of how special it is that I can still talk to her, if she had died during her stroke I wouldn't be listening to all of her ideas and memories now. I wouldn't have this new depth to all the facts from her point of view of the past. She is sharing with me such an honest reality to my own life. Sometime when I am listening to her I think to myself "Whoa, this is way to personal for me to handle." Then I sit there listening more thinking "This is actually why I am here. To simply listen and take with me the better understanding of who she is and how it ALL explains why I am."

 Whenever I am with my mother I make sure that I am in good healthy, that I am in happy spirits and  focused on pure love. This helps me be a better listener, a better care giver for all her many needs and many emotional stories. I am in awe now just how I would of loved all these conversations with her BEFORE her stroke. That was never possible, she was very guarded and very preachy towards me. She judged me and corrected me all the time as we met for lunch or shopping as I so eagerly shared my adult life with her. I never gave up on trying for that friendship we never had when I was a kid. So now as she rides in her wheel chair talking non-stop because she is excited to be out and about in the mall I walk in pure peace and joy for all I can listen to. These days will be gone faster then anyone wants to admit......I always knew my time with her was limited so I better make it right. I better try my best at being there when I can even if she didn't act the way I wished she would. I grew up with her crying at the drop of a hat and blaming my father for her unhappiness, so by the time I was 19 and my sister ran away from home I didn't take it personal when she would come to me saying I was a horrible sister. Then she would turn around asking me if she had been a good mother I would try to be honest then she burst into thousands of tears to which left me looking up the sky thinking "Oh brother..."   Who she was is why I am as different from her, now as I walk with her  on the quad cane or push her in the wheel chair, or as I help her to the restroom and cut up her food small enough not to choke. I think how grateful deeply that I am, how very sad it all is in seeing her suffer so much, how sad in being helpless to make everything good again for her. I have learn to not take it personal long ago when she blamed me for her frustrations. Because this story is bigger then just my thoughts and opinion, I've been saying "It's not about me, it's about making my mother happy and feeling loved again." to which some people roll their eyes at me and I chuckle knowing that out look sounds showy. Yet it's that outlook I have carried in my heart for all these years that allows me to return to my mother on my own free will to help her maybe even if that just means I sit listening. As I grow older I grow calmer in who I am and this is made known more in depth because my mother shares and needs someone to listen to her. There is such a peace in realizing I don't need to speak up or reply, I can't fix her life or change her mind in ways I see so clearly need to be handled.....I will listen with joy that I can, I will be by her side when I know it will comfort her and I will always take to heart that these were the days that gave me all the behind scenes in the stories of my life!  I love sitting in the park on my own to practice listening better, the ducks and geese remind me how small I am and how this story called life is magically HUGE grasping the understanding of who my mother is and how I was raised is simply a stone laying in the pond. I listen because I love.........because I never want to stop learning more!

Behind the scene of Christmas eve

            My Grandparents loved their family, all four kids and all four families as time flew by with Christmas eve being their most important holiday. 
            My Grandparents were devoted Christians, almost blind in their passion to follow the bible or the words of their church pastor. 
            My Grandpa had a quiet faith to live by that made him a good man, he also rarely if ever left home for church on Sundays or for any other social activity that got his wife so motivated to go. I think personally he was a good soul, a very caring being who loved his farm and care about all the creatures on it.  Grandpa's need to stay on the farm as I grew up was a security blanket for me because I knew he was always there on the same farmland that my parents house was located. I grew up observing all the adults in my life and I never saw my Grandpa loose his temper, never saw him get all preachy and self-righteous. I never saw him doubt his faith or even admit to the fact God forsaken him when he laid dying. I was very impress by his kindness always, when I said "The bible is full of hypocrisy." I was just 22 years old laying my back against his bed in the living room as he ate a handful of cookies looking out his big picture window to valley below on his huge farmland. He frowned back replying "The world is also hypocrisy, don't let the bad people out there take away your goodness." 
I felt bad for blunting that out because I knew this whole Christian thing wasn't for me anymore I felt so frustrated. Yet my Grandpa did make that religion look good, he did his very best all the way to the end. For it was the strength in his life that helped him be a good man with his bible in hand.....I totally get that, and I completely respect him for it too. 
       My Grandma was more emotional about her faith and sometimes humbly admitting that she had doubts or struggles with it at times,  (this would open her up for attacks and judgement especially from my own mother I noticed) I liked knowing that I wasn't the only one confused by God's rules or bible stories. I was very close to my Grandma especially once old enough to carry on a conversation with her. I saw her all the time as we were "neighbors" on their orchard farms while trying to not upset my mother who was so easily jealous of us. Whenever Grandma took me out to lunch or shopping I would come home so happy to of been out in society seeing all kinds of new things and new people, having fun with Grandma was a huge saving grace for me as a restless young teenager. My mother would be waiting for me to get home wanting me to tell her everything and often my mom would asked if Grandma talked about her, to which I would always act like that was a odd question. The fear my mother had was how her own Mother would use me to get "dirt" on her. I often rolled my eyes at my mother in reply saying Grandma had no such intentions! But I also grew sharp on this issue quite young in life and trying to avoid taking sides of my mother and my Grandmother. 
The truth was as I saw it that my little Grandma was my friend, and my mother however was not. Of course I was careful to not trust either one completely, I loved them both even tried several times to help them become nicer to each other. Those experiences growing up made me the very alert young woman today, FOR I will NOT play games, I will not leave any room for misunderstanding nor will I waste my time with self-righteous judgmental women. My mother is the exception to this rule of course, because her stroke doesn't allow her to hide these personal traits anymore, I choose to work around them keeping forgiveness front and center in my heart at all time while with her. While also thinking if her parents were still alive they would want her to be cared for and loved nevertheless. I was reminded lately just how Grandma Norma did Christmas Eve to the most spectacular scene!  Christmas trees every where and mountains of gifts among soft Christmas decor and a huge counter of foods. Grandpa adding logs of wood to the fireplace with traditional holiday music playing through the intercom walls. I always knew as kid running about from Aunts and Uncles to laying on the carpet in order to look up the biggest decorate tree that I was very blessed. That I was always going to want to remember these celebrations, cherish them closely to my heart forever that the family looked so perfect sitting around each other. Since real life and relationships are not always perfect as each Christmas eve unfolded I knew something magical was happening here with all those hugs and smiling faces in sharing Christmas, I had a wonderful example of what it really means to be "family" in the end. For all of those gifts are forgotten but the time together never dies!

I pushed my Mother through the displays of Christmas in the mall last week while she stayed with me, I was instantly overcome by missing Grandma Norma. The wheel chair rolled in front of me as I happily thought all I could do for my mother in cheering her up, sadly this time she just wouldn't have it. She looked and acted weak, she seemed a bit sick too so this could of all contributed to her bad mood. I never gave up in my cheerfulness yet when Mom mentioned how her mother wasn't all that great, how I only ever saw the "good side" of Grandma I had chuckled back at her explaining "Shouldn't we always see the GOOD side to each other? Wouldn't you want to be remember for only the good things? Of course it's not humanly possible to be good all the time, But shouldn't we hope and strive for the best behavior towards each other always?" Mom grunted back  "Your Grandma was lucky to never have to take care of dying parents or have a stroke like me." I kept on the move knowing that these kind of conversations are important to help my mother look at all these memories and stories in a better way. I explained some  more "Yes, you did all of that, and had such sad times in your life that were very different from the life Grandma had....it's not like she didn't hurt or struggle too. I can remember how hard she worked at trying to be your friend as the grown adults you ladies were when I was growing up." Mom snorted "Well, It was to late for her by then the damage was done. Her true nature had been revealed and YOU never saw her for what she really was." I took a deep breath looking down at my very old looking mother wondering why she sounded just like a 5 year old again, was it the aftermath of her stroke or is this the true maturity of her soul? I half hugged her when I stopped pushing her wheel chair as we looked on at the decorated Christmas tree before us. I replied very humbly back at her sitting against me "It's never to late to forgive, look at me wanting to still hang out with you. There is always hope for change and there is always hope to better your relationships along the way." I took a deep breath remembering how important all of these conversations are. Then I giggled as Mom waved me on to stroll down the rest of the mall in perfect peaceful silence....or until we saw another clearance rack.

Being Thankful equals being Happy

I just read an article that brought some much needed focus on what is important for thankful happiness. In this YES Magazine website I really enjoyed these 7 steps with my cup of coffee, I've noticed since my mother has been staying with me a few nights this week That I am grateful to have thankfulness in the front of my mind right now as she shares how unhappy she is in not being able to walk or move like she use to, or when she has many requests in the middle of the night I think about happiness being a choice more then ever before. My mom can't seem to relax and just be still as she either wants to go out for lunch or go shopping again to the Boise Mall. But in this stay we had such a deep snow fall that we were able to get to the mall the first day she was here and after that staying inside. This makes her very restless and wanting to see Dad and the boys back in her own cottage.
I have noticed being grateful and thankful helps me find happiness in Mom's stay with me through anything that comes up, since she seems uncomfortable quit a bit with her paralyzed side right now and her lack of sleep I am glad to understand how Happiness is a choice after counting all these moments as thankful times to learn from. That and a good warm hearty breakfast helps me wake up better against the sound of the TV playing "Toy Story" for us to watch together. The years really do go by and having my mom stay with me is truly relaxing among all my pets and blankets as we watch the snow falling outside, Mom asks "Do you want to go out for dinner? I can buy." I chuckle shaking my head in reply "I have soup already made so we'll be safer inside." Then we settle in as I count it all joy and gratefulness to bring a happy smile to my face!

My Condo Flashback Film

This storm came upon us without any warning in 2010, I had just gotten my new camera and filmed this awesome moment because I've always been a storm chaser! I love being outside so much that when I get in from a storm like this I feel so cozy and safe once again not "trapped inside"anymore. We use to live in such a small space I had forgotten! My delight and entertainment in storm watching keeps me always enjoying my surroundings! Here I am this morning 4 years later with 6 pets and a much bigger home with no connecting walls to my neighbors. The coldness of fall turning into winter has us all cozy under blankets here on the couch. I look outside in awe of this magical place to live and how I do NOT miss my condo days at all....because I have honestly out grew that time in my life! 

The Humor

         

It was a cold fall morning as I walked into the kitchen of my friend's home while her mother brewed coffee asking out "So how did ya girls sleep last night? Were ya'll warm enough? Did ya have enough blankets because it got really cold last night." I stretched out and yawn smiling "It was all good, I actually fell asleep before the others which has NEVER happened before in a slumber party for me, I am must be getting OLD." My friend's mother chuckled while nodding in her reply "Well Debby dear, you ARE almost 20."  I shrugged carelessly back saying "That's not going to change the fact that I like to have slumber parties and all night long conversation at the truck stop." She smirked at me with a wink "You just keep telling yourself that and one day when you say "Everyone needs to go home so I can get some good sleep then you'll know life has all these levels and stages." The background radio was on as I sat there waking up thinking about what she had just said, the sound of laughter coming from the radio drew me into focus as I asked "What is that?" She sipped her coffee beside me calmly and peacefully listening to it. "Car Talk" I kept on listening as I began to chuckle with it too. "How interesting! I've always wanted to know more about cars! This is a really nice radio station, not all loud and annoying. I like it!" My friend's mother who had always made being around her very welcoming explained "The radio station is NPR, and "Car Talk" is a show where any caller can ask a question about their vehicle to the brothers, that's whose talking right now. They have a great relationship in working together to help people understand the car world easier, I really enjoy their humor too."  

I was hooked from that morning on to never miss a Saturday morning episode if I was anywhere near a radio! I often wondered as I listened "So will I remember that when my car acts that way too? How can I conduct myself in a confident way when at the auto body shop?"  There is a an end of era without even realizing it as now anyone with a car problem can instantly "Google it" and the long awaited week of car stress is ended faster then calling in to "the Click and Clack brothers" over the public radio. The best part of this show was the laughter and the connection to our culture and our society. We the listener laughed together as we all grew a wiser too! 

This past week  Tom Magliozzi passed away after 77 years of one adventure after another and I felt nostalgic remember how I was 19 years old finally stepping out into the world around me not afraid to express myself and longing to learn new things.  6 years later I stood sipping my coffee in my kitchen listening to the radio laughter as my husband was still sound asleep, I reflective over how I didn't really like slumber parties anymore because my own home was now my peaceful sanctuary and I had a very important loyal Saturday morning routine with NPR as my desire to never stop learning while laughing wholeheartedly grew even deeper!
THANK YOU, Thankyou Car Talk brothers for giving me such a great insight to life and to the cars all around me!

 

The Sea

When I start to feel down and sad again I get online and look at pictures of the Oregon Coast, I zoom in and out online looking over hundreds of pictures reminding me of a place I love and a place that comforts me. Doing this always cheers me up so well!

When I get this way, restless and distracted from my own thoughts I get out for a walk and most importantly I get out for my own time, taking pictures of fall or writing in my journal I am amazed over how much being on my own awhile feels me with such peace and focus again to come back to the table at the coffee shop full of friends in a better mood and new  strength.

When I remember watching such a great movie last week called "All is Lost" starring Robert Redford, I was instantly faced with my own self in many ways! Because I love the sea so much that one day down the road in my life I could see easily sailing out into a new adventure in seeking insight for my soul.

When I reach the ocean side I am captivated and still, instantly still, so whatever was bothering me or inside my thoughts rolling around with my emotions is stopped as I hear "It doesn't matter anymore." I am one with the view of a unknown world out there! I whisper against the wind in the sand as the sound of waves roll towards me "I love you, I love you, I love you!" as I run freely with my dogs into the sea. No one else can feel this for me, no one else can distract me from my core being when I am at the ocean, when I am truly and perfectly HOME.

When I watched "All is Lost" I was reminded how inspirational it is to fight for every breath no matter the odds!

When the movie first started out there was a clear line in showing the difference from being alone  and being lonely. I enjoy being on my own just doing my own thing and I can sit alone anywhere just fine. I find that I think clearer, I feel depth in connecting all the dots of questions in my head when I am on my own for awhile, I have such peace in letting the world move around me as I take it all in! When I am lonely I quickly call a friend out for coffee or happily hug everyone I know who walks by! I send out texts, emails, cards and pictures to everyone I am missing in my life in my panic to find connections and conversations. When I am rarely lonely I have noticed just how very important people become to me in my longing to chat it up! As I watched "All is Lost" I chuckled to myself over how I would be talking to myself out loud if I were Robert Redford sailing across the ocean with a damaged boat. For I never really think I am alone when I start rolling conversation through my mind, I actually picture myself in a moment of stress or high activities that I need to be told from my wiser self what to do next or how to prioritize my life. I know this is a funny feature of myself as I get older and as I find movies that inspire me like this one did I am realizing that I am NOT going to worry about it nor try to change it. If I talk to myself while being alone then so be it but if I start imagining other people around me when I am so lonely then I will be concerned of course! 

Loving people just as much as I love the ocean helps me create a balance in my life where my soul gets a rest in being still and my social calender stays happily active! AND if ever I find myself surviving the ocean then I WILL create flashbacks to what steps Robert Redford in "All is Lost" performed to survive because as I watched it from the safety of my perfectly peaceful solitude I felt like All was gained!

Loving the World!

            

There is such a passionate feeling in the Fall season, it is the vibrant colors of the world around us changing just before the cold naked winter arrives.
There is a sense of  hurry to capture all of the sun's warmth and get the food storage for long snowy trapped inside days of the next cold dark season.

I love being a homemaker in the fall, canning and drying fruits. Freezing extra veggies and meats. Deep cleaning each room from top to bottom while adding in even more blankest and pillows. Stocking up on wool socks, sweaters and boots. While cooking more bone broth and heavy comforting soups!
I love homemaking in the fall with pumpkin scented candles as the early chilly evenings need a comforting touch. The colors of the leaves and the land all around me is breathless in awe of simply different and yet rich in beauty, I don't stay outside all night anymore but I do step out to take a deep breath of fall and see the world changed recently! I let my mind and soul whisper "I'm LOVING the WORLD!" then I bundle up a bit more and smile for life is never the same day to day, never.