Life in Trauma

I have been living my life as a traumatized person.

I have been feeling so out of control that I never took control.

This meant that when someone annoyed me or challenged me I felt threaten.

I have shut down my own ideas, plans, and goals to keep safe just as is.

As a traumatized person over having sudden deaths, strokes, heart attacked follow upon those I have loved I have been comforting my self by focusing on the past and not the future. I have been thinking living for the greater good or the grace in being there for others instead of being there for me. I have not been there for me in my own life. This is why when people ask "What do you want for your life?" I stare at them not understanding, feeling threaten that I can't focus on myself right, the world is falling down around me, I need to fix it! Then in focusing on all the wrong things like a spotless home, a kitchen full or food and lately I've been working on my kitten utopia. Growing a huge garden instead of socializing, watching the pets every second so no one dies, trying to keep the day from never ending is what a traumatized person does.

My hours of writing in the last 2 years of are all connection to pain in some way.

And I have allowed my whole body to be in pain.

This pain kept me from doing things like riding bikes, or going out into the world to just be. Anything that was fun has been lost to me. Yet I know this from the desperate feeling I have been having this summer that I am loosing control over my life, that I need to get back to fun maybe finding my sharp wit and humor again. Yet again focusing on all the wrongs not the most important things for me that would fix my whole world. I didn't know what was important to me or those around me because when you are a traumatized person your brain is stuck in child safety mode. I was not living in my womanhood, my empowered motivation to take control over my life.

I love the song "If time is all I had then I would spent it all with you." the message of devoted love and realizing everything else we fill our lives with doesn't matter, only the one the we love till the day we die matters. Yet then the thought death of or being abandon crushes me in a way that before it happen to me this week, I lived watching and knowing and feeling yet not able handle or process or understand better what has happen me.

I felt like I had failed at every move I have ever made in my life because I was not in order, in control of how my life SHOULD go.

This crazy panic has sent me on the most profound journey of my life time!

I was freaking over what should be instead of what simply just is.

Who I am came back alive, who I use to be when I was deeply happy and contented came back to me as well when I face my fearful self this week.

I thought I had to fight to keep the love of my life by my side but then I realized I don't know my own sides. I don't even know where I have been for my home was a place full of the past and guarded  gates to keep safety first. So I got my house in order and not its the most amazing place! I dealt with all my fears, the battles of everything in my self made me feel like a lunatic hoping someone else will take control over what is going on right now.

I embody Wonder woman as how I wanted to be, yet instead I was screaming on the floor feeling like the love of my life die because I had lost all sense of my control and my whole world felt gone forever to me. I was bursting out all my fears and judgments on others and most miserable upon my self. Then when I felt like I had been asleep in my life, my routines and my marriage were my only identification because I didn't know who I was anymore, I broke free!

I am aware now.

I am on a new path for my life.

I am not living in fear anymore if I can help it or stay aware of it at least.

Fear has wasted my time for so long this summer, I have never been this quite and guarded about what I was going through and then I thought it was because I am old now and wise I can't fix anything by talking.

I am Debby Shively, I am 40 years old, I am not traumatized anymore.

Because EVERYTHING is as it SHOULD BE.