Stitches

   Last week in a cozy warm restaurant I sat across from my husband realizing it had been months since he and I had gone out to dinner.
Maybe it had been a year actually because usually we meet up with people in places but never just sit together on our own and talk.
A real honest good talk about how we feel.
When I turned 38 my husband was consumed by studying for his Bar exam, he took me out for a steak that following weekend and I was impressed by his real honesty in saying he was sorry.
   He was very sorry for putting me through such heart ache and such bad times ever since he started law school. I was taken by surprise and then I was impressed by this moment because it made me realized I hung in there through out the storm of life, surely it can only get better from there? Then a month later my brother died and I went so under the ocean water of sadness that I drowned and came back to life a very different person.
Learning how to still be married when you are nothing like you use to be is very hard. 
Learning that my husband became a lawyer and quickly changed his focus onto his new career and his new life, I found myself thinking for everything turns, turn as the clock on the wall and there is a season to just learn......
I am learning right now how to be at peace with nothing as it once was.

  Last week I told my husband if we don't change our ways in communicating with each other we could loose the only common ground holding us together. I really did feel like we were hitting a wall in not connecting, in not valuing the other person better. Almost 20 years together would make for some need to repair once again how we are and not get distracted by how we were.....

Last week I explained myself very clearly and he said "You mean more to me then anything else I am doing with my life." I was surprised by his honesty and now I think about how we feel and how we act sometimes don't match up, so we need to be honest with ourselves in that if we love someone we should want to simply spend time with them. 
I will never want more then just time to sit and talk with those I love, it will always be a struggle for me to want more then that......not everyone would agree with me of course but I think that having less and being together more is true value and true happiness.
My husband explained "I have never known anyone like you. And I would never want you to feel like I am not here for you, I think you might be afraid of the future but I really feel like things are getting better." I chuckled and sighed "Yes I am afraid of the future that is very clearly understood in me....so I have less tolerance for any bullshit right now."  
We sat facing each other with a shared smile as the rain came pouring down outside the restaurant, as we get to know each other again.