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Sunday, September 25, 2016

Time in the making

     It's no secret celebrating babies being born is by far more joyous then going to a funeral. Yet it's all connected from start to finish in teaching us that right here and now is how we can appreciate each other!

When my mother was bed ridden for her second pregnancy of my high school years I was busy caring for my other baby brother who was just a busy toddler. At that time my fear of being stuck in misery was a big part of my fear for the future, I would pray for my mother every day, if she dies then I will be raising those boys without her help....time can feel stuck, can mislead us in our fear and chaos.
As I felt restless going back and forth from the kitchen to my mom's bedside those long 9 months, I learned so much about time, about our moods and attitudes in not having the life we would like. As my  whole family was on high stress at that time in our lives all stuck together like that, the feeling of isolation grew into huge exploding dramas, I would often hide from everyone singing silly songs with my 2 year old brother in hopes to create a bubble of happiness for our survival. 
(And I STILL do this in my own self quite often, I seek the good in all bad situations no matter what, no matter the common sense or facts.)
As my life was 16 years into the making and I wondered if I was in the Twilight Zone at times, never to leave, never to know what the world looked like from a different place since my mother needed my help so much back then....
Then when I would rock my little brother to sleep as his soft little head rested on my chest drinking his bottle I would a strong sense of calm in knowing that I am was right where I was meant to be in all of time.

I learned many things back then and most importantly I learned that nothing last very long in routine or schedules, things like my father's short temper and quick judgement or my mother's long sermons of right and wrong, didn't last as long as they felt when they were unfolding.....we can easily think that this day is never going to end and somehow we have always been this way in our minds. Yet it's a distraction to forget how time works, how 10 years later nothing is like that anymore.....I am lost in wonder of the time clock clicking on the same as yesterday only to find me in very different, even better place then before!?!?

Once I was able to realized that my mother would get out of bed again and that the new baby would grow and change quickly into his own being, then my fear of the future changed, I felt so grateful that we are never ever stuck for long in a bad place in our lives, for all the babies grow up and leave home, the next generation is given a gift of time in creating a better world then those before them, it gives me such hope and respect towards TIME in the making.

I know that we all can suffer from tunnel vision and survival mode, that self-pitty or depression distracts us from our true value, we all can have more bad days then good until we look back and think that the good was by far more important then we realized at the time. So we begin to change our story, by creating more good days for our memories of life!

 When my first dog died I was 17 years old and I realized that I had always assumed she would be there every night in my bed, heavy on my feet she would snore loudly or dream kicking me, this big beautiful farm dog, I never thought about her soon to arrive death....
 In that first night  she was gone forever I rolled over to pet her and sighed sadly realizing I would never again to for granted the love of a dog, what a shock sometimes to realize that we all have our own time clocks ticking away.....
In makes me so ever grateful for the connection and friendships in my limited time, each soul I meet is a gift in some way and I am never going assume that we can live on forever....

I am not the victim, not the prisoner nor the slave, I am not the damaged nor the perfect from my past, 
I just am. 
I am my own strength, my own mind that asks a thousand questions and now I've come to simply enjoy the wonders of the world!

            My husband Tony was surprised as I explained his confusion over a case with one of his clients, for I had glanced over the police report holding it in my hand while he chatted in person as I waited to drive us home again, he sighed confusingly once back in the car saying "I really need to find this other person to interview." I asked over my shoulder rolling the car out onto the road "What other person?" he explained back while shuffling papers as I drove on "That first person on the scene with the cop...." I replied casually "Well, you were just talking to 'em?" He looked surprised and amazed at me "WHAT? how do YOU know this?" I glanced around now with a confused smile "Because I was there? just now I was listening to you guys talk, there is no 3rd person in this situation....The cop first asked for the full name of the victim so that's the name he uses in his report but the other family members use a more common nick name or something like that, so there is only 2 people involve here and you were just interviewing the one and the same person." I shrugged like this made sense to me, he sat frozen just looking at me in awe with a smirk and I shifted uncomfortably "What? what's wrong?" he chuckled and shook his head in bewilderment saying "Ya know every so often I feel like you could been some one, if you had just been given a better could of made something of yourself as sharp as you are!" I burst out laughing at him and exclaimed "I AM someone! I am ME, and I have made something of myself!?!? What are you comparing me too? my self value is as equal to my smarts or my mistakes as life is great right here and now, I don't need to become "something else" in a career, or have a huge bank account in order to have "value of being" funny! You are so weird sometimes! I'm like Gandalf in that I arrive precisely when I mean to."  
My husband laughed and rolled his eyes mumbling to himself that I am the weird one while we both laughed for a moment together.
 and I was left thinking about how different we all are in this world in this very same second of time in the making....

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