Derek, My Brother.

I want my brother Derek to come back in to my life, I want to hear him tell me how to drive once again.

I want to hear him laugh like he use to, with that sweet clever smile on his face.

I want to hear about his trip to China, hear about his love for cooking and I want to hear about his funny stories in being with our little brothers.

I want to walk with him through the mall while pushing our mom in her wheel chair as we shop together.

I want to just sit beside him at any family event.

I want to see him wink at me in the moment of conversation.

I want my brother Derek to come back to life! To see him wave at me and give me one of his big bear hugs once again.

Yet what I want isn't how this year went, it's not even possible.

I want to never see 2017 ever again, I want to blow it up like a scene in a movie....

I want to never forget and never remember all these days in this year.....

I will always have these tears of grief, I will always keep saying "Dear Derek." to myself for the rest of my life.

Keiser Report: What Will 2018 Bring Us? (E1169)

A year of the President

Read Jon Katz Blog Post link here.

             It has been almost a year now with President Trump, it has been about the same time since I have stopped calling myself a liberal too. 

The Conservatives/ the Republicans  had won the election last November with him over Clinton.

 It's very easy for me to understand what happened. 

 It was all so embarrassing and ridiculous so I choose to not be of either political party.

A year has gone by with this famous rich man as our nation's leader. 

The word "Entertainment." comes to my mind as I remember him from the very popular TV show "The Apprentice."

Of course looking back to last January I was so worried that women would be set back from the progress we have made in this country with a New President so blatantly disrespectful. 

I can understand more how this Nation is changing, adapting and learning. 

I feel like women have become very strong under his disrespect, under the awareness in being involved with what he says and does. 

I am left embarrassed by the behavior of the Democratic party and by the Republicans. 

It's easy to see why I call myself an independent, especially after this first year of Trump.

I evaluate the person in the moment on the News, I don't blindly or loyally follow so I consider this a good thing, a progressive thing in me. 

Sometimes I think would be nice to be apart of a group guaranteed to make the world a better place in which I don't have to ask "Is our leader good or bad? Smart or stupid?" I can just help make the world better......Oh wait! I can just make the world a better place! Who the President is will change in future but the needs of the people and the needs of the earth will always be there! 

My young friend Tally exclaimed to me as we went out for a day of fun together last January for my birthday, she exclaimed "It's Horrible! It's so scary! Because Trump could throw my mom in jail for being a lesbian!" I half hugged her as we walked around together I reassured her "We the people will not allow that to happen, We are a powerful force that the President can't just do whatever he wants. Don't worry, you are not all alone in this society and if ya really think about it when you go to vote in 8 years from now he won't even be on the list of choices, Let's not give him the power to worry us, to ruin our day!"         

Into The Future

               

It's been quite the year that as I wrote out my year end review I got rather sick to my stomach and stopped.

I don't think I can write it all out, it has been to much to handle!

      This new year has found me worn out and beaten down, I am afraid of the future to be honest......

I have been counting the blessings more on that list of this year because of how painful the losses have been, yet maybe I just want to start all over again. 

Let me go back in time to warn myself on my birthday in January  when my husband took me out for a nice dinner. If I could just see myself sitting by candle light I would rush up to my table with my new eye glasses and my new short hair to explain to my twisted up long hair and old jacket self "Stop! Don't leave this spot, for the future is NOT good! Don't move forward into the dying of the light!" That is what I would say in one helpless breath! Then of course my old self would be stunned and confused. The future never meets back up with the past for all the harm it could do......

Instead I felt very optimistic that night as I turned 38. I felt like everything was getting better, even my marriage was improving and I was delighted in some new gray hairs on my head. 

I feel very different now as I will be 39 in a few weeks.....I feel afraid of the future actually.

          My heart has been hurting through this first holiday season without my brother Derek close by.

I think that's why I am so emotional at the drop of a hat,in a single second I am in tears. (more then the usual even I've noticed)

  I can't hold back this pain in my chest that has never gone away since he died. I can't fix this, I can't make it better yet I always want to try, I always want to find the happy ending or better perspective. I think that's a life lesson in and of it's self right there for me too.

Since the future won't have him waiting out there in it, I think it's why I am afraid of this new year, perhaps I am traumatized. It all takes time to heal, or to adapt to this new information in my life, it takes more time then even I know.

Yet the hope of the future is in the fact we have no idea what to expect, 12 new months ahead for new life and new stories, I like the sense of adventure and of hope.

For my heart feels the love that the future holds in celebrating new births after all these deaths, I am in awe of that circle of life. 

I am grateful to be a small part of it, as like with today I felt so very grateful to see my friends at the hospital, to see their first born baby boy in his tiny little bed tucked up inside the safety of modern medicine. 

We've been celebrating/looking forward to his arrival for months now and yet he came early, and yet he is one of the wonders of the future! 

It's such a magical thing to see new life for a new year with new stories to be told!

I know that I can delight in this love and in this joy, I am deeply thankful and grateful each day begins again.

Into the future a new year will finds us just as we are. 

With little wee ones awakening up into their new world called the future, called to life.

Into the Past

     

It's now Christmas day I am left thinking about the last 12 months with such sadness.
It's not just for my own hurt that I see many people I love have suffered, there has been sudden deaths and tragic traumas in the news or in the lives of people I love so much......

This morning in all the freshly fallen snow I watched some kids play together, I smiled and loved seeing them having fun on the sidewalks......It took me into the past with tears in my eyes of playing like with my own siblings, I have been feeling like I am running out of time to make everything alright again but it won't and can't be like it was in the past.....

I need to surrender my internal battle of wishing to go back in time again, I feel like this Christmas is so very sad for me, so very hard to handle while I just want to lay on the floor and hide from the world, I also want to make a difference with whatever time I have left so as I worry for everyone else, trying to help them through these rough emotional days I escape into the past and my cherish memories of Christmas. I can see my Grandparents again, hear my brother and sister jumping around the Christmas tree and know all the adults are sharing trays of food.
I need to remember the story "A Christmas Carol." when the ghost of Christmas past is teaching Mr. Scrooge of how important time is, of how all those experiences make him who he currently is, then the ghost of Christmas present is full of hope, love and celebration, in teaching Scrooge again about giving in the moment of right now.....

I appreciate that movie more and more as I grow older, I hope that the ghost of Christmas future isn't so scary....that no matter the new difficult events each year will hold I can hold strong in my peace of mind that I sure love Christmas and I love the family and friends who fill it with such love and support!

My brother Derek loved Christmas so much that he always went all out and he always had such a good time! It comforted me to know that he would be staying out on the farm with our parents and little brothers for the whole Holiday weekend, celebrating with board games and goodies!

It will always be in my heart for how it once was.

There is a whole new year right around the corner, a new way to see the world and to take on all the adventures of getting better and growing wiser.

"For the spirits did it all in one night!".... and now it's Christmas day again! Celebrate the goodness and life!

Into The Holidays

In the first weekend of November my mother came to
stayed with me as we began our planning for the holidays, We had a lot of rain that weekend but she and I still rolled around the stores just fine. In fact that first Friday she was with me we went out into the dark evening to go shopping!

My husband Tony teased us for being crazy, but I knew that just around the corner from our house was a Hobby Lobby. Since my Mom loves that store we were going to cover every square inch of it before they closed for the night!

It was exciting to me, I felt so young again being in a store late at night and hearing over head that they will close in 15 minuets, I exclaimed to my mom "We are closing down the place! We are having a real ladies night out! This is AWESOME!"

Going into the Holidays is rather exciting as the weather grow bad, as it gets cold and dark early. I love the soft white glow if Christmas lights in my home to help me not go crazy in such a limiting season. My Mom and I even enjoyed an afternoon strolled through downtown Boise. Getting fresh air and being busy helped us really enjoy that whole weekend.

At night while my mom was resting on the couch she would share all of her plans and wishes for the Holidays, she would reminisce about how when she was my age this time of the year was very busy and she made everything so perfect for the Holidays.
I realized that I have this very same desire in me at this time of the year as well, perhaps I inherited from her? I have met people who are not ever excited about the Holidays....yet no matter what's going on I still am. I am still very joyful and hopeful for the Holidays, I love all the giving and donating in the community! I love being able to save my money for good foods and just relax by the tree every night before bed.

That weekend with my mother staying with me was fun as we got ready together.
Then for Thanksgiving she came to stay again, we were lucky to have clear blue skies for our big day over to see the Festival of Trees. My mother's Mom, Grandma Norma was the Queen of decorating for Christmas. My Mother was the Queen of making all the Christmas candies and goodies. I realized as I strolled along behind my mom talking about every detail I saw in those trees, telling her to let me know if I need to walk faster or slower that from her and her mother I take with me these holiday traditions with my own personal touch.....I will always greet the holiday season with such joy and such magic!

As I grow older I have even more memories of the importance of this time of the year.

Waiting for you in the sun!

I know that this month I have been posting old favorites of mine, but this song always makes me cry and smile at the same time <3

I still love Tim Minchin's honesty and his emotion in this song, I remember having this song on repeat heading to the Oregon Coast for Christmas in 2009 just singing along so easily :-D

I received startling news today that my beloved friends just became parents sooner then we had all been anticipating, with gratefulness everyone is alright, with a bit of shakiness I am aware of how important it is to cherish each other, to come together.

And I will always be waiting in the sun.........