From the moment I woke up to the very second before I fell asleep my radio was never off through out all those years of having my own bedroom. I knew every oldie, every country music song...especially if I needed a good cry I found a sad song right away to help me release my emotional battles (Some things never change in me) The radio played always in my life from 17 years old to whenever I moved out.....my sister also gave herself away by what music she listened to in the next room. I liked knowing her moods by her music choices right away. Tucked away into my own room of rescue I found musicto teach me about the big ol' world out there! I was able to dance away my abounding energies and face my fears. When I first captured "the Age of Aquarius " I was transformed into the sky, flowing over the beautiful lakes and rivers! I could relating to the dawning of my own coming of age stories and I truly lost myself in singing this song feeling so connected to something bigger then myself! This new idea of real HOPE for my future!
My mother made me be the driver again of the car as we were heading into town "I am not so sure...." I responded while Mom settled into her passenger side with her huge icey cherry coke explaining to me "Since Dana isn't here anymore, you need to start driving more, it would be good practice for ya." I took a deep breath outside looking up at the huge cottonwood trees surrounding the farm before getting into the car with a quick prayer that I don't kill us. It was going to be a good hour's drive into the big city of Boise, my baby brothers had all their toys or bottles at the ready for any loud impatient behavior they might display. Then while the radio played and I relaxed a bit driving the car out onto the main freeway, I began to let the music fill my lungs as I drove on thinking how nice it is to think of something other then driving just as my mom suddenly turn the car radio off cutting me off in mid thought! "Why did you do that?!?" I asked as the silence filled the moving vehical Mom snorted "You were starting singing along and YOU didn't even know it!!! SEE that is how they will get you!" I felt myself growing annoyed at my mother's usual regular sermons that broke out of her at random all through my teenaged years! Especially on topic "They will get you" This meant to her that THEY being the evil ones or Satan himself seeking to ruin us the good christian people that we are into tricking us to like the "worldly pleasures" out there then as a result we turn from God and start serving Evil or pleasing our selves over God. This was an old recited sermon from my mother making being around her unbearable at times! I got upset driving on into the long day at the mall shopping as it was her main hobby, my helpful ways in changing diapers or pushing the stroller allowed her time to dig down into all the sales racks. Yet here she went again turning off the radio during one of my favorite songs. "THAT was not very nice! I was listening to the radio!" Mom smirked with a nod explaining "You were being deceived and didn't even realize it! THAT is how Satan works!" I snorted "I know, I know, Satan is slipping through the radio or the TV always trying to get us to turn from God....." I rolled my eyes at this was such an old topic or passion of my mother's to preach about. I pouted instead in the silence that I usually would be listening to the radio my mother went out in her very self-righteous points of view as if I simply didn't get it. I mimicked her word for word common speech in my silence as I drove on squeezing the steering wheel of our car. Finally I retorted back in a challenge "Didn't GOD make the universe? sooooo wouldn't HE be the one actually lining the stars and the planets in a row for the dawning of the age?!? Couldn't you think of the song like THAT?" Mom's eyes grew wide in alarm as they so often did when I questioned her, she usually would speak up faster and never allow me time to retort or ask any more questions after that wide eyed worried look she would shot me then withdraw into her reciting bible verses and long history lesson about what God says to such crazy questions. I waited wondering if she ever once wanted to give up and say "God only knows....I sure don't!" Instead I was left longing to turn back on the radio to interup her endless sermon. Mom continued on and on explaining to me "You were starting to know the words to that new age song, Satan was creeping in to fool you into thinking it was a lovely hopeful song when clearly the song is saying the Cosmo moves without honor to God. You can't put God into the song when it is so clearly NOT there! Where ever God is not mentioned then Satan IS there winning over the song's message! Listen to me Debby, I think you just want to believe the whole world is good and right and lovely when nothing can be so far from the truth...without God, without Jesus then there is no hope or joy in the messages of these song lyrics!" I was happy to see the mall parking lot after all I noticed as we arrived and Mom began to calm down after my simple question. Then she explained why thsi whole thing had unfolded in the car...."Okay so I turned off the radio because I have always hated that song! Even back when it was picked for my high school graduation ceremony it makes my skin crawls with Satan using it against God. On the day I graduated from high school this song played for us and I kept praying God would forgive us for it! Then I knew God knew my heart even though I couldn't stop it's message from getting out! So naturally I was shocked YOU were singing it after all these years it still haunts me! I turned off the radio to stop Satan in his tracks!" Mom looked so proud now. I perked back up at Mom's sudden flash back story, as I excitedly was learning something new about her. I asked very carefully "What? you think THIS song is demon possessed? Yet when you graduated didn't you stop to think of your new life ahead? The song promises a new age like turning the page in a book it's just story of change." Mom flopped back into her seat with a snort and a big frown shaking her head replying back "I'm so worried about you! You don't know what you are saying! You are making excuses so that you can still listen to it without feeling ashamed that God isn't honored in it and that maybe I am right, as your mother it's my job to keep you from hell's eternal fire! but you have to realize that I am right about avoiding places Satan dwells and those are hidden places EVERY where!" I suddenly took a deep breath facing the Boise Town square mall as we all got out of the car, I knew that she didn't get what I was asking her. A simple song held such fear for her but I wondered if I could make an argument that Satan hung out at the mall to shorten the day and get back home to my own beloved radio? I remember thinking to myself against the sun light pushing the stroller behind my leading mother in through the dark doors of the long building "I want to believe in the good, I want to be in the age of Aquarius....maybe one day"
There is a continuing cycle in life called "Family", where we become a part of a group either by choice or from birth. And most importantly understanding it WILL change, there is no such Family is a "one size fits all" situation. Certain family members hold together all the relationships, then most often when that one single soul is gone everyone leaves the family structure for something more of their own style. It happens all the time, the cycling of families, the changes, the new and old members coming and going. Family is an AMAZING concept to me it is even more enjoyable to have such family who actually cares about you and want to be around you. My Father-in-law Kelly has been a very caring parent in my life from the first date I went on with his oldest son. He just carried himself in that guiding father way, changing my car tire, looking under the hood and putting up a safety door lock to my new apartment. Helping me move stuff, while making sure I always had something to eat. I never had a Dad who would just call me up to chit chat about nothing and everything, so as I grew into my 20's Kelly became the most amazing Parent I have EVER known. Family will change, adapt and move on into the future I am truly grateful for his example in what it means to be an unconditional loving parent.
Having such good friendships in the family structure makes going through hard times much easier from the love and support of healing in the "Safe Zone" called Home.
When Dad turned 50 in 2010 we all went on a a week long wine trip family vacation, my husband turned 30 in the same week. So the birthday boys had such a good time celebrating together! The nights were full of new restaurants, playing board games and drinking newly purchased wines. We all road tripped out to California, Dad with his lovely beautiful wife Teresa, and the 4 of us "Kids" His sons and their wives.....we were always referred to as "The kids" which always made me giggle. It was cute to be consider a kid when you reach 30 years old....THAT is why families are rich history and feel often timeless. The age of family, getting together every week and sharing in new drink ideas or new food recipes, telling funny stories and dog sitting for each other. Meeting up to see a movie or just drink coffee, going to the farmer's market or watching a play together. Being family is like having an always available friend ready to join you in BBQ afternoons or testing out a new family game! When all 6 of us went on this big vacation I realized these situations were a bit more stressful on some of us in the end. Some people have a desire for more "family time" when others clearly do not. It was a good experience to learn these kind of life lessons. To not take it personal, to understand family is always adjusting and changing over time.....Everyone goes through cycles of time in their own personal life, then sometimes choosing not to even be family anymore. I explained to my very upset Husband as he realized what he wanted this trip to be like was not unfolding so easily.
"What I have noticed about this trip is how we are a better family when we only meet up for happy hour during the week instead of spending the whole week together." I smiled and shrugged thinking even with all the disagreements or problems unfolding on this vacation, it was still nothing like my own family who would NEVER even take a road trip together to begin with! My husband chuckled shaking his head "I guess we are all trying to figure out what family looks like when you get older." The age of family, the stage of time will change everyone once they live through such events together. Family is the light house that brings us all back together through any storm. When we discover it's true value, when we don't take it for granted, our time getting in out of all these "storms in life" along with a good glass of wine makes being a family one of a kind age in our lives!
When I think about the first year of my life when wine took off, when I decided to learn all about it and capture it's depth was on our first big family vacation. Mom and Roy had discovered wine tasting and the wine country in California to be a wondrous place! So in the summer of 2004 we all traveled together, Mom and her 2 young adult boys. Being apart of the other 3 "significant others" I delighted in watching the brothers joke around and their Mother shine from such a fun friendship among them! Now I look back in awe of how we were all so young and didn't actually realize it yet.... It was also my
first time in a professional wine tasting, touring the vineyards and
cellars. Getting to even taste right out of a barrel directly, truly ALL was so
fascinating!
Mom
was so proud of her clever charming husband as Roy was the kind of guy who could talk to anyone, make
friends so easily and had all of us grouped together for the V.I.P.
treatment in going behind the scenes from the usual public in to seeing inside oak barrels and fermentation systems. I can see remember his big grin as Roy burst out saying to the group of us standing by the grape vines outside "Okay! It's all
set! In an hour my friend will takes us to watch them bottle the wine up!" I was so truly excited from all I had learned on this trip that seeing all
these steps for the very first time was quite magical if not a bit sad
that my own family farm hadn't gotten into the wine making buzz back in
the day, Ooooooh what a different childhood I would of had for sure if wine had been served so easily, just as Jesus had made readily available in the bible stories this very same kind of wine. It would of saved souls much faster I think! So on that summer afternoon I sat happily imagining how all my family relationships could of been a bit more delightful by just adding a glass of wine...maybe?
All those vineyards had such history and rich stories that I
loved every single moment of this family vacation. Even when my husband
Tony got into those heated arguments with his brother's girlfriend Taryn. Or
when Mom would say we had to be up in the morning and out the door by
8am. The over all ways I liked learning how to travel with someone else,
delighting in the high energy activities and many many stories we all shared!
As I entered the clothing shop with my freshly bought mocha in hand I over heard Roy telling a crazy story to his new step-sons, Tony and Dusty. "SO, there I was, my beer in one hand and my dick in another." I choked on my coffee drink not sure where this story had gone but my laughter caught me off guard and tears filled my eyes from laughing so hard! While Dusty exclaimed "You know it's going to be a GREAT story when it starts off like THAT!" and we all laughed together in that beautiful state of California on the refreshing summer's morning air!
When I first discovered how nice Irish Pubs were, peaceful, dark and rich in history where I could order a red ale or a Guinness without any doubt that the beer would taste good I was 25 years old. I walked in saying "WOW! I feel like I just stepped back in time! AWESOME!" My husband Tony rolled his eyes and replied "Oh now you are sold on coming back then." I laughed nodding my head in excitement. We noticed another nice thing while being in an Irish pub the music wasn't so loud or so distracting from real depth in conversations. (Also while in Las Vegas those Irish pubs we could find were my saving grace in relaxing.) The menu items, the background music and the over all feeling of delight while kicking back is what I am always looking for in a new place, the age of Irish pubs were some of the most fun in meeting new people along the bar stools or getting into a card game while dropping "Irish car bombs" and laughing so much! Back in being 25 I found myself remembering all those weekends meeting up downtown at the Ha Penny, our local Irish pub here in Boise Idaho. It as our main hangout for several years back then..... Tony was laughing so hard almost falling off his stool then waved at me from across the crowded place. It was St.Patty's day or evening now as I just chuckled and shook my head, we had arrived a little before noon to get a big table which was full now with many different friends and family. The craziness, the noise and the glitter of all things green made me feel like I was seeing a rare view of an "Irish pub". The quietness, the calmness, the good quality of foods with old familiar songs playing in the background was gone on this national holiday. When Tony sat next to his Dad laughing and cheering on more drinks and chips while his brother worked hard as the main bartender the whole place took on a life force all it's own I stood back drinking my Guinness grateful to be in my own thoughts. I had stepped outside for some fresh air then decided the hour wait for the restroom would be considered perfect time by the time i was done drinking my pint. My husband had young beautiful ladies surrounding him that his mother's husband Roy had met, they all waved at me once again as Tony yelled out "HEY! Hey Debby they want to buy us a drink! it's that so nice of them?" The Ladies raised their cups over at me uncertainly I waved back and smiled simply shaking my head. I will always enjoy such big parties, with crazy drunk people, for I simply sit back and watch over all that unfolds. When I was 25 years old I was also 50 pounds heavier then I am now so drinking a dark rich yummy beer like Guinness took awhile to set in. When I finally made it back to the big table of our holiday party that night the lady sitting on my husband lap jumped up startled as Tony grinned big and proud at me. I knew he was saying "SEE, I still got it." I just smirked and rolled my eyes back as it really wasn't a big deal to me, I chatted with this lady very naturally and nice, for in such a crazy crowded place like this on St. Patrick's day it was bound to have a few funny stories or clever moments. I was really happy to of discovered these classic styled pubs for a night out on the town, even though there is no crowd quite like on St. Patty's day in a pub! (So if once a year on the day to dressed in green I would have to carry my hubby home on my back in my bare feet then so be it, I didn't mind at all) It was an age of our youth, of our adventures and of all my yummy glasses of Guinness!
It was at a time of change, those first years of 2000. I was living in such a romantic rose colored world that I often find such gratefulness in my heart for that glowing sun light of all my great memories looking back now! While being young isn't always an easy thing to live through and I knew even for my age back then that I was much older in my mind's eye. Perhaps this is why I can look back in such delight and with such grace for all those good stories! My life lessons and my soul's journey was grateful to find a radio station that wasn't like any other out there in the world at the time, for such news programs were loud and crazy. Then the ever so classy and calm NPR found my happy heart! I liked listening to the news without receiving a head ache afterwords or reacting in such a stressed out way by all the stupid peoples! I was 24 or 25 thinking how much I LOVED my radio over my TV at the time and how important waking up to feed my brain was! Those were the days my friend that I thought would never end, yet now a decade later I have everything on podcast or Pandora in order to listen and learn....my radio is now a very different thing all together, I sigh of course neither able to keep it all the same forever such is how time works.....I guess.
The morning sunlight caught my waking eyes and I rolled out bed wondering if I over slept or not? If I had not then 9am was the perfect hour to get my Saturday morning programs going! My radio as tucked into my bookshelf by the kitchen as I flipped it on and begun boiling water for my coffee's french press system. I opened the sliding glass door to summer's fresh air as I whisked up flour and eggs for those fluffy buttermilk pancakes, bacon was already smoking in the oven and the sound of NPR filled my condo with first 9am's Car talk. I enjoyed those 2 clever humorous brothers and their years of fixing, of knowing about each and every car. Their callers were always battling auto body shops in hopes to save a buck. I would have coffee made, breakfast set up and a fresh fruit cup set aside for my slowly waking up husband before this first hour's radio program even ended. It was a picture perfect way of life listening to that radio!
I knew what time it was every Saturday morning just from which program was airing over the radio in the background. 9am Car Talk (was a hit or miss with me if I overslept,) then 10am "Dr. Zorba Paster on your health", 11am "Calling all pets", Noon "Wait, wait don't tell me", 1pm "This American Life", 2pm "The Splendid Table", 3pm "World NEWS" I loved those early days of being newly married, laughing, discussing, chatting through each and every show over a couple pots of coffee with both of us home from work, feeling carefree and delighting in every second of our lazy weekends! I only needed an hour to clean through our tiny home, then I would sit back listening to the radio more focused, while painting or knitting against the bright warm sun light.
I may of not liked being all that young but I DID like the age of my radio, with all those lovely romantic mornings sharing in such new wonders that I could listen to!
I sat thinking, I sat looking out the airplane window to world below of such beauty. I like that place, the thinking place inside our heads. I was flying up to Spokane Washington to see some family. I like traveling, I like thinking about all kinds of new things in which traveling creates!
It reminds me of that very first time I sat thinking as small child with dirt worms and rolly pollies in my hand. I sat thinking as the water in the gutter on the side of the road moved on with cigarette butts and leaves in it. I sat thinking for a moment outside next to my gray small house in the trailer park. I asked myself "Why are there bugs like this in the ground before me?" as the rolly pollies curled up harmlessly in the center of my hand....I had begun, woken up in my age of thought!
Then I remembered how I grew up shadowing my older cousin Trina whose animal care and dirt handling ways opened up a whole new level into those same thoughts, she was always eager to explore and help explain life to me.
On that fall evening it glowed in purple and pink as the sun setting hours were upon us, Trina opened up a seed pod mixed in with muddy dirt and pieces of grass on our long walk out into the valley below our Grandparents home. She exclaimed "Look! quick Dee! LOOK! before they all blow away!" I was almost 10 years old, I remember this because being 10 was such a grown up age I didn't like saying "I'm 9" anymore. I quickly moved in leaning against her shoulder as the wind shot past us taking those feathery seeds out of the open pod that we had just found on our nature walk. "WOW!" I exclaimed as we both smiled in that moment as they moved all around us like pixie dust! Trina beamed proudly stating "...and that's how they keep on growing!" I stood with my suit case in hand, moving along in long lines is another part of traveling I enjoy also. The awareness of all my items on me, of all my senses alert and sharp! Then I calmly enjoy people watching all around, smiling and nodding in small talk or simply thinking to myself, of how wonderful is my life that I could be able to travel? I love that place, where thinking takes me to the core center of myself. Much like a secret garden, a wonderful place of peace and joy that I sometimes wish to stay there a bit longer, before I have to come back to the living and handle the next event.
I don't ever want to out grow the age of thought! I hope I can keep it with me when I am 80 or 90. It's often misunderstood that with old age comes forgetfulness but I understand now how that is all about how you eat, sleep and live as a "youngster". If we all enjoyed our own thoughts then maybe we will never ever forget a single second of our lives?
I am going to be 35 in a couple of weeks, rather mid-way to the 40 I'm setting my sights to being! I like this decade but so far WAY to much has happened I would like to be bored, to be lost in my own thinking for awhile again. It is not easy to reach a place of such delight only to be forced into the real world. I am grateful for all 35 years, I wish I could have been much older before going through some of these trails and tribulations though..... YET I still like opening up a seed pod while the breeze magically takes them away, I will always like this kind of thing no matter where I am or how old I can get..... for all the sad stories, for all the happy laughter and good memories I carry within me, THINKING about it all takes me into that beautiful place of wondering over our cycle of life!
When I was living in my own apartment with a couple of roommates we had a party every night or more like a gathering of friends coming and going ALL the time. If I got home from a hard day's work it was normal to hear loud laughter from the patio, sometimes I would simply put on my pj's and stay in my bedroom to read while those party noises or loud music filled the rest of my place. It wasn't an out of control raging party, just basically something was happening, loud with conversation even a few people sleeping on our many couches. I liked having company so much even when I working full time and beat up by over time, this lively home was still very comforting to me in comparison to back when I first moved in all alone. Because in that first month on my own I had to face my lonely fears, I had to pay attention to the voices of doubt in my head! Being raised to think the world is a horrible place made time on my own a bit crazy for me at first.... Getting a couple of roommates made my big wide open apartment come alive! Although I knew I couldn't live forever that way, those 2 and half years were FULL of parties, with youthful adventures, discussions and future dreaming!
Alantis Morrsette was playing in the CD player loudily as I was pulling out a baking sheet of my homemdae chocolate chip cookies from the oven, Holly was on her way outside to smoke just so we high-fived each other in passing while singing together "...Got one hand in my pocket and the other's giving a high-five." The patio outside next to the kitchen was full of friends already drinking and eating, everyone begged me for a batch of cookies so naturally I went to work in creating a cozy smelling home. Holly had just got home from work to the usual party group hanging out. Our other roomie Sarah was chilling in a lawn chair next to Jon, Dan and Liz. The main topic among us all was this new "war on terrorism" idea. (I stood my ground against it from the start, sometimes I felt alone on speaking out but that's another blog topic later on of course) With a platter of chocolate chip cookies more of our girlfriends began showing up until there were 7 passionate feminists passing around the bong on the patio. I enjoyed all of these opinions, stories and connections to how we can create a better world for the respect of women. Then one girl challenged me asking "Why did you bake cookies for company? Are you suffering from brain washing that women SERVE others?" I wasn't smoking with the group so I kept this confrontation in mind that I simply liked chocolate chip cookies on my day off. As this group pounced on me for all my homemaking skills and mind set to be so "mothering" I replied back carefully "Taking pride in a clean home, caring for those who come into it and baking cookies has nothing to do with my being a female. It has to do with my desire for a good comforting home life, because I can NOT control anything out there in this crazy world, yet I can control my own home environment by my choice to cook or clean I am not a servant or slave." These girls were impressed I wasn't offended or insecure about who I am, so talks like this happened all the time. One of the last nights we girls were all together I accidentally said to much, looking back now I understand of course! The girls drinking game was on a roll as I set the table with salad and pasta laughing at these same 7 ladies in my living room being so silly. Then the talk of all of them having slept with a mutual guy friend came up, it was horrible reviews. I had met this guy once and snapped at him for being gross and arrogant. He never approach me again, and one day I angrily asked him to leave my home after he used my roommate. She was grateful I was brave enough to get in his face making sure he was out of our home for good, now with all these girls gathering for dinner I sat down chuckling in remembering such a jerk as him. The girls liked how each other had the same experience and wish they never had sex with him, I listened and enjoyed my dinner with them. It was only when they all turned to me saying "Debby is the ONLY one at this table he didn't trick into sleeping with him! Why is that?" I threw my head back in such hearty laughter now just as another girlfriend said "So you need to sleep with him in order to be in our club." I was still chuckling and smiling as I felt so amused by this fact. "With y'all giving him 1 star rantings I think I will gratefully decline that idea! I knew he was a true asshole the moment he spoke, because my church was FULL of guys like him growing up! hahaha and that is one club I don't need to be made a fool for! hahahahaha" This was when I realized all 7 ladies were glaring at me in resentment. I quickly rose to clear the dishes still acting carefree and happy thinking maybe I was being a real bitch to them for saying such things out loud. That is just the risk in being real, open and honest at all those parties I guess!
