The Love Seat for Two

I was excitedly waving my hands out pointing to the ideal setup of how Tony and I were getting married. We were visiting my future mother-in-law in her patio home getting ready for our approaching wedding. I began explaining while I was  standing in front of the table where Tony and Jo Anne sat. I kept motioning the lay out as I said "So here is where the pillars are going to be...." My back was now towards them as I continued. "..with big fat flower vases and then behind the bench there will be lavender candles  already burning for a couple of hours so that the church will smell...Wonderful!

(I truly loved those lavender jar candles more then anything in my decor)....So that is how simple it should be!" I spun around happily to face Tony and his mom hugging each other in tears. "What the hell?!...." I asked in alarmed as Jo Anne giggled wiping her eyes as her son Tony leaned in next to her arm then she patted his head. "I'm sorry! but you caught me off guard....Did you say that you have a Bench? like a seat for Tony during the ceremony?!" Her voiced cracked again as she looked so relieved. I stood starring unsure now of what I had just said to make them both get so tearfully emotional?!? I nodded replying uncertainly  "Yeah... I just bought a wicker love seat/bench thingy for us to sit in as we say our marriage vows. It will be facing everyone out in the congregation. I hate those weddings when you can't see the faces of the bride and groom, So we will be sitting on the bench looking out on everyone." I waited as Mama Jojo hugged her son again, clearly they were both very happy over this setup, I was trying to catch up with why they reacted this way. Jo Anne explained quickly with another giggle and a wave of her hand "Well now, I can't believe you have all this so well planned and thought out! For here I was, laying awake at night wondering how will Tony stand for a long time up in front of everyone with his cerebral palsy!?! I was even going to get him a walking stick or something.... I was just so worried about it!" Tony nodded in agreement as he chuckled "YOU were worried, how about me? I sweat even when I am completely relaxed! Much less facing a big group of people!" They laughed together as I stood there watching them  suddenly realizing this whole bench idea was new to them, although I had been shopping for one over a year now, I guess I had failed to share this fact earlier. It didn't seem crazy or amazing to me, I knew Tony would need a chair or something comfortable so he wouldn't suffered miserably trying to stand in place for our wedding. When Tony and Mom looked at me again while getting over their surprise of my setup with the bench. They both said that they were very proud of me for being so thoughtful. I shrugged while replying back "Well, It's our own wedding, if we can't be comfortable while we are celebrating it...then why even do all of this work?" They both burst out laughing again at my honest reply. I still thought this was simply common sense...:-}

Paul Harvey....GOOD DAY!

When I was a little kid I went to work for a day every so often with my father, (it's the perks of being Homeschooled.) My father was a carpenter. he fixed up old worn out homes, he bid on them and then had to get the job done in the amount of that bid. This job allowed him to freely bring us kids along, the special fun times came when we kids got to join Dad on our own to help him work. I remember the smell of an empty house, the feeling of wet paint on my fingers and the dust flying when Dad piled up old Sheetrock, but what I really loved was his work radio was an old brown box, with paint splatters and cracked corners. It was on all the time, as Dad worked with his tool belt dangling and his cowboy boots stomping the open floor when he was on the move. I would often find a seat on the setup ladder or a 5 gallon bucket turned upside down. The Oldies music played most of the time, then  "Paul Harvey" came on through out the day, (the man in the radio) is what I actually called him. I loved listening to Paul tell stories about a pig rescuing a drowning child or a dog stopping a blind man from walking in front of a moving train! As I sat with big eyes and my mouth hanging open I would believe everything I heard, as Paul spoke with his very recognizable voice about the world's news and specialty stories. Dad often would have me help him work when he asked for the hammer I would grab it for him, when he needed me to hold a door handle from the other side so he could get it set in place, I did. Those where some of the funniest memories of my red haired father and his dark shaded eye glasses. Just by the sound in the way he walked, I knew if he was mad or not, Often when I went to work with him in the mornings he grumble about getting gas and his coffee. (We kids weren't allowed to tell our mom Dad drank coffee regularly, so we just thought THAT was a funny secret.) Dad had a mug with pheasants on it, with a brown handle. I would looked down into it with that fresh black coffee steamed out on those early cold mornings. I liked the smell of coffee the most, but I never wanted to drink it, for Papa Rudy gave me at taste once and I declared "IT doesn't taste like it smells?!?" Both Dad and his father laughed at my honest reply. My favorite part of working with dad was when those hours Paul Harvey came on the radio (and he came on 3 times a day) Dad would always turn up the volume and often wait until after the show to he used his power tools. 
I sighed dreamily as I said "I want a dog like that!" swinging my dusty legs from the ladder, I sat listening to another hero dog in the news from Paul, it had been another great dog story. Dad smiled at me stopping to say thoughtfully "I DID have a dog JUST like that..., but you will have to wait until we live somewhere with more room." I sighed again wondering how long will THAT be? I wait for the ending of Paul's show trying to figure out what was going to be his repetitive last line? I wanted to get it right so would it be "This is Paul Harvey...Good day." or would it be "This is Paul Harvey...and NOW you know the REST of the story." For one time I did get it right saying it just before Paul did, saying that last line to the radio program and my father laughed wholeheartedly. So I wanted to do that again making my father laugh always seemed like such a surprise, a good thing to see!  
When Dad stopped into the gas station for a refill on his coffee, he returned to his old solid brown Ford pick-up truck where I sat waiting, he often had a piece of bazooka bubble gum for me and as I chewed I would look at the wrapping paper with a cartoon comic on it. I had learned never to put in a request of something from the convent store. So if he got me something I would finally stop holding my breath. Dad loved to say "Be grateful, I even got ya that." If by accident I frowned. I was keeping files in my memory of the different types of memories that filled my life, I had this sense even as a small child of wanting to remember everything in my life. Sometimes my father's face had a look of horror when I spoke or shared what I remembered, he would deny that I could even retell some dramatic story, while he rubbed his head saying "How in the world?! You weren't even 3 years old yet? I think your making this up...?" But I could tell he knew that I wasn't.....So just as many bad things that happened in my life I think it makes the good times even more important. Maybe even "romantically captured" then it had actually been. 
  
My father drove with just one hand on the wheel, while sipping his coffee with the other. "Hey, Turn it up, that's our "man in the radio" talking right now.." He chuckled using my nickname for Paul Harvey, as I quickly rolled the volume dial to hear Paul's comforting voice say a bit louder "....An elderly lady from Virginia woke up to her cat licking her face, just seconds before her home went up in flames...." I leaned forward blowing a big bubble in my bright pink gum with a new big grin thinking to myself  
"Oh wow! an heroic cat! this will be GOOD!"  Dad just shook his head "Nope! We are NOT getting a cat.." I giggled as he must of seen my "wheels turning" in my head! We listened to the crackly radio program, as I looked out the window while Dad's pick-up trucked along the road onto the next job sight.

60 years old

Today is my father's birthday. He turns 60 years old and I have been thinking about him all week. As much as he and I have battled or disagreed, my father and I are very much alike. Maybe more then he even realizes....Of course no one ever said that while I was growing up. In fact my mom often said I didn't fit in at all, it was odd for me to wonder which parent I was alike. While my brother Derek was identically like our mother (this was something Mom pointed out proudly) My sister Dana was identical to our father so naturally I was left feeling like the "Ugly Duckling". As I grew older the more I saw certain things about myself I noticed how it came from my mom and my dad. All those good and bad things that I took with me from that short time they watched over me, made me thoughtful towards their humanity. I have come to peace with the fact they walked away from me so easily, because I grew up knowing I didn't belong completely, I didn't trust that they ever "had my back" if I messed up, having that understanding made it possible for me to survive the unknown world. As a passionate adult, I have learned who I am and where I belong after all. I also understand that I will never ever disown or leave someone abandon, in fact I am not afraid of rejection or having someone walk away from me never wanting to see me again. Of course it's not a good feeling when THAT happens, I have a clear understanding that in the end I will be just fine. So really all of this has made me a stronger person, I DO forgive my parents because forgiveness is pure freedom, my freedom comes from being simply ME. I admire my Father he has lived 6 decades now, he is wiser and older knowing better how to lead, guide and be honest in himself, At least THAT is what I hope for him anyway, actually knowing my father would be a great journey, surely there are layers to him that haven't been shared. And I won't put him in a box, I won't give him a description that limits his ability to change. Like for example; when we see a crying baby and say "Stop being such a cry baby!" then that baby grows to being a kid and we are still saying "Stop being such a cry baby." It becomes frustrating to the kid who isn't a baby anymore but everyone still treats 'em as such. That is what "Boxed In" means to me....When I was a bossy 10 year old, a know-it-all teenager or a cynical 22 year old, I would meet people who made up their mind that I was ALWAYS going to be just like that. My mom would comment reminding me"You use to be so rude when you were 10..." Like that fact makes my being nice or polite now as a 30 year old not legit. How can we as humans connect to each other if we just assume someone is always going to stay the same way forever? Over time, over years and the ALL ages we evolve into new levels of thinking, learning and seeking a better quality of life, it's important to give each other that opportunity to grow, to learn and to share. Perhaps, my father has changed, has grown, being 60 years old, I wonder what he thinks and what he knows. How he feels and what he likes about his life. I hope that he loves his gray hair and wrinkles, that his time now is calmly wise and hopeful for his remaining future. I honestly really hope he can share more of himself without fear, without doubt, That the stories he tells himself are one of great hope and joy. I know that my day will come when I turn 60, I look forward to it greatly and with admiration of the importance for every generation needs each other. 
I truly love my father, now every time I see him, I don't have  the feeling like he thinks I am ridiculously emotional, so telling him that I love him is easier. He may be prideful, stubborn and unsure how to look me in the eye at times...BUT that is why I was born to him, I have arrived to change the story! For life is WAY to short to live on a battle field, to keep a stiff chin and to walk all alone with that distance....
Happy Birthday to my Father Delbert! May he realize he is loved!

My sister was nursing her baby girl as she said "Dad is coming." I spun around to look at her while I had been setting up my big family picnic in the park, I smiled happily "Really!!?!! That is GREAT!" I hadn't actually seen my father in 3 years. This was late summer 2006 and I continued to decorate my picnic place happily thinking of how I had missed my father...My husband Tony and I were giving a party for our families. We invited even my side of the family for a rare gathering. It had been a stressful summer so we wanted to let our loved ones know just how much we appreciated them. Tony was visiting his own dad and brother by the BBQ of hamburgers, when I felt my heart stop and I wanted to run out jumping up on my father as he arrived. BUT I  also knew he never liked my theatrical nature, so instead I waved greeting him, offering beverages and watching as Tony shook my father's hand, then my husband whispered "Wow your father actually CAME?" We were all happy to see him, (when my father is social he blends right in with laughter and stories.) It was an afternoon I would never forget, while my mother carried around her granddaughter, my little brothers played soccer with Tony's cousins, while my sister fixed her plate next to Tony's Aunt Janet. I stood back taking it all in because anyone who know me will tell ya, that I LOVE family more then anything in the whole world!!! It was the very first moment when Tony had his parents with their spouses and my parents all there together for a BBQ. When Tony catch my eye he winked. He wasn't so sure at first that this setup was going to be good, but afterwords, he was happily surprised at how well the event went. My sister said "Dad loved your fruit salad, he went back again and ya know how he isn't one for noticing food." I laughed out loud and half hugged my sister because she had always kept me aware and connected to our parents over those years. The sun was shinning brightly as my father left saying "Thanks for the yummy BBQ, but I have to get back to the job sight." I nodded smiling watching my father leave, a man I never really knew........

Tony's Tavern

Tony's most favorite restaurant in Boise Idaho is the Tavern. It's a great place to eat a yummy perfect steak, or share some zesty sushi. We have never had a bad meal there, so this contributes to Tony's favorite places of returning again. When we are a bit restless we go for a drive and one early evening several years ago we drove into the heart of Bown Crossing. It was still being built with bright colored walls. "This looks like an awesome place! I wonder if we could move here? when it's built I mean." Tony exclaimed I laughed and thought there was something a bit creepy of it still being built, like a ghost town before it was even alive...We both were in awe of the new place nevertheless. Located just barely out from downtown Boise, it was like arriving onto a stage set. A bit fake looking so perfect with buildings side by side. When we go there to enjoy the Tavern I always feel like there is a movie being made because everything is just way to perfect, new and sparkling I enjoy taking it all in. The food is what Tony loves as we often happily order and spend the evening catching up on our lives. We share in passion over a great place to eat and would recommend going to the Tavern at any time!

It was Valentines day evening in the year 2010 as I sat looking at Tony through the glowing candles, holding my red rose up to smell the wonderful fragrance, we were about to have such amazing steaks with saute veggies followed by rich chocolate cake with our red wine glasses, I was wearing my sparkling earrings feeling like a princess as my charming man leans forward to whisper "The rose is you but coming here is for ME." He grins big then winks, I melt like butter giggling thinking our marriage never goes long without a laugh or a kiss to always hold on to.

Words of the song, "Breaking Inside" by Shinedown

I caught a chill
and it's still frozen on my skin
I think about why
I'm alone, by myself
No one else to explain
how far do I go?
No one knows
If the end is so much better, why don't we just live forever?
Don't tell me I'm the last one in line
Don't tell me I'm too late this time


[Chorus]
I don't want to live
To waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I made
Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside
I don't want to fall and say I lost it all
'Cause baby there's a part of me to hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like I'm breaking inside


Out here, nothings clear
Except the moment I decided to move on and I ignited
Disappear into the fear
You know there ain't no comin' back
When you're still carrying the past
You can't erase, separate
Cigarette in my hand,
Hope you all understand


I won't be the last one in line
I finally figured out what's mine


[Chorus]
I don't want to live
To waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I made
'Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside
I don't want to fall and say I lost it all
'Cause baby there's a part of me to hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like I'm breaking inside


I won't be the last one in line,
I finally figured out what's mine


[Chorus]
I don't want to live
To waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I made
'Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside
I don't want to fall and say I lost it all
'Cause baby there's a part of me to hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like I'm breaking inside
And I feel like I'm breaking,
I feel like I'm breaking inside

Leaving Pieces of Me Behind

I was surprised by my sudden anger, how it rolled up out of me like a thunder storm, My future husband Tony said it came from deep down inside of me after years growing up never knowing how to control or direct my anger in a healthy way. I was also amazed at how hard it was for me to say those simple words "I'm Sorry." While I dated Tony over 4 years he pointed this out right away, now I knew I should be able to just tell the ones I love when I AM sorry if I hurt them! But I was so stubborn in never wanting be wrong. When my anger flooded me the first time that I actually noticed....I was living on my own and I didn't keep it guarded since no one was around, as I threw something against the wall, I screamed. THAT was the first moment I stood crying afterwords as pieces of a broken dish laid on the floor, while I said to myself out loud "What is wrong with me? Why would I do that?!" My anger had boiled up like a tea pot screeching loudly then cooling down shortly after, as I realized it was so silly to feel that trapped, that helpless and really THAT mad....I also think in living on my own I was free to express myself in this way, maybe  because no one was around to judge or get in the way of my out burst. Well...some people were in the way at times. One night my best friend and my boyfriend were laughing about how nice spring break was, how nice it was to be free to do whatever they wanted in this week and I boiled over. Maybe I felt left out or maybe I felt like no one cared about the stress I had over my job, over the fact that I never got any sleep. I was thinking in myself that I hated everything! I felt myself  holding back my true feelings until suddenly I demand they both to leave my place right then, I was enraged. I hated myself for doing this even as the words spilled out, I realized they were shocked by my reaction I had to flee slamming my own door just as hard as my father did time and again in my own childhood memories. Did my own father feel this way? Trapped, under paid/over worked and pure sad then so mad? I wondered as I burst into tears more mad at myself now by my uncontrolled behavior. I was truly embarrassed for screaming at the people I loved like Tony and Joanie the most, I was going to try to avoid dealing with that aftermath, I was just going to cool down and move on, just keep working all the time to avoid even being alone with my self. YET in my life I had a man named TONY, he wouldn't let me self-destruct no matter how much I wanted. Calmly, early the next morning after I had my emotional melt down and challenged myself to figure out what was wrong. Tony called me on the phone as I drove to work, he was saying how he loved me more then I even loved myself. He wanted me to understand that if I didn't apologize to my best friend Joanie, she wasn't going to be my friend anymore because she didn't like being yelled at like I had. I was amazed that my man stood by me even when I didn't stand by my own self! I will never forget his calming sweet voice when he said "Debby you need to know how important this is, I knew it was just a matter of time when you would brake down...BUT you need to say "I'm sorry" to your friend to fix her attitude towards you. Most importantly though I want you say that to yourself." 

I chuckled while I wiped tears of shame from my face. Tony always brought me back to life and grounded me when all I wanted was to flee. "MYSELF? why to myself?" I asked him as he paused then quietly he replied "Because YOU have to live with yourself everyday and if loosing your temper makes you feel so embarrassed and ashamed then it will eat you up in the end. You must realize how this happened, why and what you can do to fix it, so you heal and grow in the future a better person." I listened bewildered and even more in love with Tony, (Would I be so understanding to him? if he yelled at me....actually I would just yell back instantly not worrying over if he scared me or not). Tony saw the real person I was and how I guarded myself thinking I was tough. He never gave up on me, he was there even in this moment in my life where I was finally forced to face my anger, learn to control and respect it. Through his advice I quickly found my voice to say how sorry I was to loose my temper to my best friend and she warned me to never do that again. I was amazed that I told her "I'm so sorry." and I didn't die, didn't wrinkle up like an old lady nor was I a slave to anyone just by admitting I was wrong, I felt bad, I wanted to be a better person now. Soon I would warn others around me if I felt like I was going to explode, my husband Tony stayed right by my side reminding me how I can control my emotions, how I can dig down deep to ask myself "Why do I feel this heated suddenly? Where does it come from? How to I master it so it won't control me?"  Now I know I am never going to be a perfect person without anger or fault. I am just going to be more honest with myself. I need to deal with something within me right now to conclude how to handle these negative feelings or emotions that can explode. I am not alone, when the ones I love are around I don't ever want to hurt them or make them scared as I see pieces of me from my past left behind. It really comes down to the story we tell ourselves about who we are and why we are on this earth. I wasn't born to slam doors and yell loudly, instead I received compassion and everlasting love. That same love I can give back to this world, I can see a better place where all this anger melts away,...It's in our hearts.

"Lost" a TV series review

I was sick with a cold when I thought I should watch a new TV series through my Netflix streaming laying on the couch with a box of tissues. It was funny to see that "LOST" had all 6 season on the streaming list, so I decided to finally watch the much talked about popular TV show. Now I think I enjoyed the very first season as my most favorite! Because it was both exciting and new to learn who all the different characters are while the plane crashed. Did I mention there are 6 seasons of LOST? The first season lets you know that there were 48 survivors but in all reality they cover the lives of just a handful of people, right there I asked what about the other 40 survivors? I watched 120 episodes still asking THAT very first question:-) Also the island never ran out of food or water to keep them all going strong, (This is why the fat guy Hugo stayed well fed by the way) I am not even sure how to explain this show! Maybe my outline to follow each story would also reveal a story within another story, I hated when a story never had an ending. To put it simple the first outlines were easy to follow like The good guy is bad, the bad guy is good, both men love the same woman, the same woman loves both men....AND then comes along Desmond (loving sigh goes here because he is truly dreamy) He brings a whole other level to the show for confusion! I think he was my most favorite of all the characters because he seemed to think things out more, The episode where Desmond looses his memory was my best pick out of all the episodes! Some of these hour long shows ran right into each other as I kept thinking if I watch next episode it will make sense....Then some nights it was almost 3am and I had to stop watching because if there was something I learned quickly in the format of LOST is that each episode purposely left cliff hanging endings so I knew I would be up ALL night if I wasn't careful! Thank god I didn't watch this on actual TV time waiting a whole week until each conclusion! The format of Lost is very simple (though the actual story is complicated) Each episode always has these pointers.  
Point 1, Some sexy man has to walk around without his shirt even if he is doing nothing. Because it's the beach for goodness sake!
Point 2, Someone/anyone gets smacked in the face or a gun held at their head in every episode with blood thrown in as an after thought. (The women usually have light scratches nothing to crazy)
Point 3, ANY and ALL pregnant women will display labor pains or will have greasy babies popping out at random crazy times. I thought it was so gross! I am not a fan of bloody screaming birthing scenes anyway, but LOST wouldn't quit with them! Sometimes the same birth happened over like 3 times it was completely ridiculous!
Point 4, Everyone is hooking up for the most part, now here they all are stranded on an island with a scary unknown monster in the back ground pulling trees up by the roots or chewing up random bodies throwing them back up into the tree branches.....Ssssoooo naturally the survivors have candle light picnics on the starry beach away from each other to hook up and get it on?!?!?! (OH HELL NO...Sorry but if I was there I would have one eye open in the dark at ALL TIMES there would be no foolin' around! I don't care how many men have their shirts off! There is a black smoked scary monster just a tree away killing and screeching...so yeah I didn't buy into such romantic retreats)
Point 5, When Dr. Linus appears he must always get the shit kicked out of him, he must always look beat up and bloody. He also can't go a whole episode without his vague replies and bug eyed stares.

Point 6, The viewer must be more confused by the end of an episode then from the beginning.  
Point 7, Some one/ any one must die every so often to surprise the viewer even a bit more! (If I were keeping notes while watching I would have mention the episodes that didn't finish or completely explain where or what happened to those who died)

I suppose those are the mysteries of LOST the unfinished episodes...Now I liked all the flash backs, but the flash forwards were a bit harder to follow. The story I wanted to know more about was the concept of time traveling, the whole plot of time travel seemed to die off when the next season arrived...I was like "DUDE I still have questions about all the time traveling and island moving situations!?Helloooo?"  When in doubt throw another new crying woman in labor for distraction, I think that is why we have a "Mute" button. I would rate LOST a 4 star I really did like it! As easy as it was to make fun of and see the silliness in most episodes. I still followed it faithfully, wanting to capture what made it so popular, to know how it ends though I didn't like the very last 2 hour episode, because I was still hanging on to some of my old questions....I am however glad I gave it a try and now can understand it's appeal, along with it's tangled web of stories and dreams....I guess I can only conclude with a big grin and a wave in that for everything I didn't understand, I was honestly entertained and now I say  "I will see you in another life, Brother!"