Passenger | Hell Or High Water

September has been such a busy productive month, I have been enjoying the new fall weather and getting all my harvesting done.
I feel very grateful for such energy and excitement in getting things done before winter.

I love the changing seasons, even though I will miss summer so much in the darkest hardest days of winter...It's all a wonderful cycle of life in learning how to adapt to new things for each season. 
I am heading up tomorrow to the mountains for my mom in her ladies retreat again, this is the 3rd year so I feel like a pro at getting ready and to get through the weekend without any sleep.
I can see her smile and sing or cry. She needs this retreat, it is her world, her faith and her struggles that bring us all there under pine trees, under the bright stars.....
I will be grateful this year that her sisters are coming with us too.
It's such a powerful gift to be a woman.
 I am able to assist/help my mother which gives her some independence for the weekend of only women.

I am so empowered by the fact I have come through this woman, my mother.  Only now to bring her through to being able to retreat among her christian friends again.

I am so amazed that I can do this, I am right where I'm meant to be.

Pet Sitting

      

             In the summer of 2015 our home had no AC, our struggles were in getting a good night sleep and so I slept a lot out in the living room on the couch. I had my cats and dogs to worry about while also never crowding my husband as he studied in law school. I was impressed by how creative I was in creating a cooler home as much as possible. My husband's friend who often spent time chilling out at our place late into the night would ask "How do you guys stand it? This heat isn't letting up!" 

In that Summer I was very busy, up early cooking for the day ahead and since all the windows and screen door stayed open I had to be able to touch Oscar when he barked out into all hours of the night. A family of 6 raccoons woke us up one night, Oscar had been asleep at my feet on the couch then his fear of "what the hell is that?" has it's own kind of bark that I shot up to my feet to investigate. Not having AC did allow me to be a bigger part of nature, sometimes I would go out into the back yard on the grass and sleep as the dogs would join me, we were clearly miserable with bugs and night life all around us as we tried to find some cool breeze out there. 

When my husband Tony and his buddy were sitting around the fire pit one night with beers I was bringing out my blanket to sleep and they were both laughing at me. I explained how this house is very much like camping!  Then Tony's friend asked us to house sit for the weekend as the temperatures were reaching over 100 degrees, he added "You will have AC and HBO." I was a bit worried at first packing up my 3 dogs to merge with his 3 dogs for 3 days......

It was wonderful to notice as all the dogs met in their backyard for the first time that the greetings were playful and happy! Not one single dog fight, not one single growl in the whole pack for the whole weekend! I was very impressed and very grateful.

It was like we were just one big family, every dog had it's own personality, it's own way of being yet they all seemed grateful to be together like that. I would lay on the grass outside or on the floor inside so they could play over me or nap on my back, it was such a fun weekend with them like that!

It was such a hot hot summer weekend too, we were up early and outside before the heat kicked in, then we would napped away the afternoons in the magical AC, I loved just being there resting so much! Having those 6 dogs in my arms all at once was truly wonderful! And I knew I would remember it always.....

Yesterday one of those dogs passed away, the first one of those 6 pups on that weekend together.....Our friend's dog Otto.

I've been in tears, lost in memories of him, sweet little Otto who shared my pillow with my little Sidda as our 3 heads snuggled in for a good night's sleep I knew life was simply perfect in that moment of time. I knew it then for I smile now in remembering....

While my heart always knows that these little souls don't last forever, that's why being with them as much as possible is so very important. I will always remember that weekend of togetherness, for it was one of a kind, 6 dogs like that for 3 days in happiness of perfect peacefulness! Otto, Ernie, Andy, Oscar, Sidda and Minnie with us for the weekend was a wonderful time to cherish!

6 dogs moved around as I read in bed, I looked up from my book to see my husband Tony shaking his head "Look at this, they are all right beside you at once, I guess there's no room for me." I laugh back saying "I know I love it!" He chuckled while saying "Don't get any ideas, 3 dogs is enough I can just see ya thinking "If 6 dogs can get along so well then we can find more!?!" I nodded cleverly.

Tony laughed as he left to go find his own place to sleep then eventually Otto would go find him so they would share the couch together. So that Otto had to make sure we were all together safe through out the night in his home, in his good watchful care.

Goodbye to Sweet sweet Otto.

Lindsey Stirling - Lost Girls

            I have been inspired lately looking back over my life, when I was 22 years old I stopped attending church every Sunday and every Wednesday, I found salvation outside of "salvation." 
Back then I was very aware of how hard it was for me to ever be hypocritical, I didn't lie very well at all in fact I was often annoyed by the constant lying that went on in the church community. Everyone was afraid of such group judgments, I am in awe that I found my way out, without shame without guilt I knew who I was and what I struggled with.
 I knew that if God is love then being trapped in a fake world such as religion was not where my love can grow!
I never once felt like I had a made the wrong choice, I look back in such awe! I look back ever so grateful that I escape so young!

Freedom is the most amazing feeling in the whole world!

I explained to my beloved girls just the other day as we sat catching up over the last 22 years of our lives since we graduated from high school in that same crazy church, I can admire my time there as a refuge until it wasn't a refuge anymore.

I explained to them both as we shared our hearts and our hugs. I said "We didn't have the words for how it was, how trapped we were. We struggled in fear, in needing to be accepted by those around us, we wanted to be strong women in a religion where the men ALWAYS came first. Therefore we found safety in our sisterhood! I am always going to grateful for that! We had the kind of friendship that can last a life time! We helped each other feel safe, and to be loved just as we were! Even long after I left that faith system I carried your sisterhood with me, and I'm ever so grateful for it."

U2 - Stuck In A Moment

As this cool morning greets me, as I take a deep breath of the changing weather into fall, as September brings clear skies from all the fires in August and I look proudly out into my big back yard I see all my hard work coming together. Next year it will be even more easier in maintaining such landscape and if I keep it at then it will mature all together.

As this year was the first to live here fully, I can see my strength grow from my sadness a little more each day.
I can see how comfortable I am now in my brother's home.
I have been so grateful for this place every single day!
I get stuck in a moment all the time so being here is my new refuge, helps my re-focus to come back to this real time.

As the cool morning smells so magical, as I am reminded of my childhood farm from the ripening apples and peaches on the trees along the back fence, I whispered to myself  "You've got to get yourself together, you've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out."

Derek's Peach Tree

It's September 1rst again, on this day one year ago we moved into Derek's home.

One year ago on this very morning I got up early surrounded by boxes and freshly brewed coffee, with pets going in and out under the lovely fresh morning sky. I cried.

I cried so much, for so long as I could see him in the sun light beams in his very own kitchen again. I wished he was here more then unpacking any box or doing any project!

"Dearest Brother it was never suppose to be like this, not ever like this. Come home, Come home."

I walked out to his beloved peach tree drinking my coffee in my deep sadness and looked back at my new home. I will do whatever I can to keep this place as nice as possible and as well kept into the future! 

I will live side by side with his stories, his things and his fruit trees.

I will honor him, I will talk to him as if he is just right here again and I will cherish these days of such great pain, great sorrow and great memories.

One year ago feels like a really long long long time has passed by now but it's just 12 months.

I am realizing after every death I face I simply loose time, that 3 weeks will honestly feel like one day.

I am understanding more on how and why old people were like that when I was kid. They would be completely surprised by the fact I remembered it was a month since last I saw them but they would say "I thought it was last week." I would laugh at them thinking that was funny to think that but now I do that all the time.  A friend texts me and when I finally reply I feel like an hour had gone by but really it was weekend! Then I laugh at myself and wonder if we survive more tragic things will we loose complete understanding of time in the end?

I love these peaches so much! I set up my morning with music and I pull my hair back as I tie my apron on and spend the whole lovely day in the kitchen creating such magic from my brother's peaches!

Derek arrived at my home in Boise on such a lovely August night in 2016 with a box of such huge and beautiful peaches, He had baked a fresh peach pie as well saying he could get me more next week if I was going to be out by his place in Meridian and I laughed at his excitement as he shared how he was fixing his place, how he loved this peach tree in his backyard and I suggested "Well then maybe we could have Thanksgiving at your place this year and see it all?" He nodded and smiled replying "Yeah maybe if I can get it in shape."  Those peaches were so good, and we talked about all kinds of recipes for them that night.....I was truly thrilled to bring food over that Thanksgiving and have us all together. For I was very happy that holiday Derek had baked a Peach pie with huckleberries that I truly loved as our last holiday unfolded.

This is Derek's peach tree coming back to life, back to harvest time once again!