The Call of the 4 Wheeler

            

         In the summer that I was 10 years old my mother had us 3 kids staying with her in the small cottage on her parents huge orchard farm. We filled the cottage with sleeping bags and suit cases, with lawn chairs and pillows. It was a really fun place to find a small frig in keeping our milk cold and cooking every night over the fire pit. The 3 of us kids took turns doing the dishes and once in awhile we would go back to our home in Meridian Idaho to do our laundry but mostly we lived out on our Grandparents farm for that wonderful magical summer!
...and my mother was the happiest I had ever seen her to be.
    
    For it was the summer of 1989, My sister Dana and my brother Derek had their corners of the big bedroom setup like their own bedrooms as we moved in. I liked piling up pillows all around me as we slept on the brown carpeted big bedroom floor. We kept our clothes bags in the closet and our shoes by the back door. Our mother setup her bedroom in the living room next to the kitchen and that door went out into our fire pit eating area. Mom took a twin size bed and made it into a couch by the front door yet we weren't inside all that much. We usually sat around the fire pit every night before bed, after roasting some marshmallows of course!
      Since I was 10 years old I decided it was time I kept a journal, because I noticed that we were having so many adventures every single day and everything was brilliantly exciting on the farm, I knew my record keeping was important and that notebook filled up with drawings of my stories, with misspelled words in telling my excitement and in pressed wild flowers among the pages, by the end of that summer it was completely full with one last drawing of me and my dog Savannah walking down through the old apple orchard. She had become my very own dog by the end of that magical time in my life she lived another 8 years with me, so in many ways the summer of 1989 changed my whole life, made me very much the person I am today, a happy pet loving person who still gets excited to roast marshmallows over the fire pit after being outside all day!

That summer of 1989 had my Uncle Dan my mother's only brother coming out to work on his parents farm every morning, he would drive up the hill to the big blue work shop and jump on the 4-wheeler. It was understood if he saw us 3 kids come running to the gravel road he would swing in to let us pile on and head on out in to the orchards to collect his gophers. Uncle Dan had a great system in trapping gophers, he had a bucket attached to the 4-wheeler for all those rodents he caught in his many traps, He always carried a shovel and sometimes when he would pull the trap out of the ground between the fruit trees then the gopher would hiss and I would squeal as he would try to not get bit! He made all kinds of jokes, took on all kinds of pathways through the trees, short-cuts on the farms, as we kids learned to hang on tightly through every morning's trap check list, he would re-set them in freshly seen dirt piles that the gopher just made. It was a crazy mess of damage that one single gopher could do to the irrigation ditches and to the root systems of an orchard. Uncle Dan trapped hundreds in that summer alone, it was a welcomed sight to the ditch riders to see his collection of tails and they paid him for it too. I was in awe of learning so much while riding along side of Uncle Dan, he made it all look so easy zipping in and off of the 4-wheeler. I would grab the handle brake if we began to slide down the row after he jumped off to capture a gopher and I would lean as far away from those ugly creatures whose front teeth stuck out like a shiny knife! Uncle Dan sure loved what he did, showing us the inside guts or how they clawed around under ground with their long fingernails. He only had to tell me once that they can bite my finger off with snap so I should never put my hands on their head! Of course holding them by the tale seemed just as scary to me so I only ever just watched on and sat as far away from the bouncing bucket on the 4-wheeler. I would look down it saying "I sure hope they are all dead!?!?"
Sometimes in the evenings before Uncle Dan headed home we would jump back on the 4 wheeler with him to see if he had caught anything during the day, but it was mostly in the mornings that we were the most excited waiting to be picked up, the fun adventures of riding on the 4-wheeler through out the 3 farmlands and just being apart of Uncle Dan's world was great motivation for us to be ready at the curb! His fast driving, strong digging and catching those ugly things through out the morning would come to an end with his loud whistle out towards his dogs wherever they were as we started driving back home, he would drop us off at the cottage again where our mother was in relaxing in the heat of the day just as we were getting thirsty, for we had sun kissed heads and we told Mom all about our morning's journey as we ran through the sprinklers, we were in such wonder by all the new things we discovered on the farm!

And so that summer came back to me on the day Derek died.
As I drove in tears down the freeway, as my heart pounded to see my family right after this tragic news. The summer of 1989 will always be far better then the winter of 2017.
The year I was 10 will always be apart of me, it will always be the best kind of joy from my past!
So in that very same cottage on February 25, 2017 as I rushed in to find it was full of extended family as my mother sat in her wheeler chair surrounded by hugs and tears, she exclaimed happily "Oh look Debby is here, that's good! I knew you should come." Maybe she was in shock, but I hugged her quickly trying to take it all in, then her brother my Uncle Dan embraced me with "Hey, Little girl." as we sobbed over Derek's sudden death, as I said sadly "I sure wish you could just be zooming down the hill on your 4-wheeler once again to pick us kids up for a new adventure instead of going through this." I suddenly realized that there is such a thing as "The Good Old Days." after all.

The early summer morning had the clock reading 5:30 am as the wild rooster crowed loudly by our cottage window, Dana shot up from her bedding exclaiming "I'm going to kill it!" Derek and I shot up right behind her from our 3 beds on the floor, we shot out after her saying "No, you can't kill it!" Derek shouted out after Dana "It's MY rooster, you can't touch it!" Dana charged the rooster away from the bedroom window and we all chased it out into the near by peach orchard, laughing by the end of it all. Our mother wasn't getting up yet so we entertained ourselves among the cotton wood trees and the pathways around the farm as the sun rise was so beautiful and the wide open sky greeted us with the endless possibilities ahead for our new day!
Then shortly after breakfast as I was washing the dishes I heard the sound of Uncle Dan coming down the hill and I yelled out "Hey Mom I'll finish these when we get back!" Derek shot up from reading his book and Dana came running down the small hill from the above us, THIS was the call of the 4-wheeler, the sound of the motor roaring out towards us. We came out from all directions to hop on those thick strong wheels shooting us out into a new summer day, into the farm land, into the horizon of the clear blue sky, into our soon to be wonderful memories!

Derek's Apple Trees

It's turning into harvest time now as I wonder what kind of apples my brother had in his backyard here as I walk around these trees and try to clean up the base of them.

I will keep learning and discovering more as I live here on fruit tree care along side what varieties I have inherited. I am making a scrap book of information, of each corner of this property.

I should have it well put together over this winter and be ready for next year! I want to have good apples next year to share, to harvest those cherries before the worms get in as they did this year.         

It was shocking to me in coming home from a weekend visiting my Cousin Henry in June to fine all the cherries brown on Derek's 2 cherry trees, how shocking and surprising to me because they look AMAZING when they were still green....

I wish my Grandpa Ansil Graber was still alive to walk around this huge back yard with me and advise step by step in tree care for each one of these 5 trees. Derek's 2 cherry trees are HUGE, and Derek's 2 apple trees are really wild looking, and of course Derek's Peach tree the one he loved sharing with the rest of us is looking old and struggling. I feel like I am running out of time in my responsibility to care properly and wisely for these trees.

My Father who worked along side my Grandpa came over on Mother's day with his own education, his awareness in these fruit tree problems. I wanted to write down what he said as he talked fast but then I thought I would take him up on his offer to prune this fall/winter and start my proper spraying schedule for next year.....as I am battling the bugs, blight and worms already!

Derek's apple trees are the same apple from what i can tell looking over the fruit, everything way up high I give happily to the birds all of nature needs to eat I know!

My mother was explaining how to make apple sauce the other day in cutting around the worms or bird damage. I realized I need to get organized on all my canning equipment and setup a shelf in my pantry for can goods in this fall season, such planning and doing will be magical and fun for me!

As I was talking to a fruit tree expert in the local garden nursery last week he said sometimes apple trees can be to far gone to bring back to a good tasting apple again. I sure hope my trees that were once my brother's trees are not yet lost to the wild again. I have watched many documentaries about the history of the apple as we know it today and I am in awe!

I suppose if all else fail I will go back to making the original hard apple cider again with these trees, for the possibilities and the wonder of it all brings me such joy while missing my brother every single day! 

My husband said to me with a chuckle "When you left to help your Mom, your Dad kept talking about the issues with fruit trees and I had to tell him that he needed to talk to you instead because you are the one who does all of this care taking, this gardening and I had no idea what he was saying!"  I smiled proudly with the nod of my head saying "Well I am a farmer's daughter, and a farmer's granddaughter! I feel very much at home on these topics!" 

  

Sitting in Summer time

  I have been pushing myself to get out into the world more these days....  

I have been really focused on our pets and what my husband needs to enjoy his work....

I have been seeing my mother once a week.

I have been working on my yards and gardens, now summer is slipping away into harvest time. 

So I better get out into the sun and sit for a moment in time!

   I love just sitting in summer time in no hurry and in no worry.

(Here's a video I took with my new phone and my favorite fountain move is when it fans out to the music) I love walking around the village these days with music from all the speakers in the bushes and from the inspiration I needed to simple delight in all of life!

So go sit out in summer time before it's gone everyone ;-)

Passenger | To Be Free

2017 was a feather on the ocean breeze, it took my heart away. 
So many good people died that year and when I dance like this I feel as if they are still right here with me <3

2017 was hard to breath!

30 years ago

            

       30 years ago when I was 9 years old I stayed a whole week in St.Maries Idaho with my Grandparents. 

It was in August as my older cousins Trina and Cally were doing back to school shopping that week with the help from Grandma and some of our many Aunts. 

It was the first time I ever had an Italian soda,and learned about how important new clothes are for looking good at school. I was delighted to be apart of those shopping groups.

Sometimes now in the mornings as I drink my first cup of coffee I think of Papa, for he smelled like coffee and after shave. 

He had lived his busy crazy life by the time I got to know him, so there was instead of a hot headed young man a more peaceful wise old man. And my Grandma Eva looked exactly like a Grandma should, she was rolly polly happy in cooking or planning out the fun activities for the day! 

Oh how 30 years ago I look back in awe, in all the good things these memories bring.

Staying with my Grandparents showed me how they both seemed to really like each other, they talked about everything and even laugh at the same time when I would say something too.

That week was so full of family conversations, connections and real adventures! I don't think I could capture all the layers of my memories and life lessons that week in a one page story.

That week was pure magical to me and I knew even as I sat on the bar stool eating my pancakes that Grandma loved cooking up for me, I knew even then as it all unfolded that one day many years down the road I will remember everything exactly as it was!

I will never forget this week above all else, I was in pure awe!

I loved them so much, my Grandparents. I sit now and wish they were still there like that, evening news plays out on the TV as Papa sits in his chair and Grandma hands me a popsicle, I eat it outside on the sidewalk right next to the living room sliding glass door and listen through the screen to the TV. It was so peaceful there, I loved being surrounded by the forest.  

Watching those humming birds flying around Grandma's feeder while I was eating my own sugary treat!

I wish they were still there like that once again, I can only find them in my memories now.......

I woke up every morning to that wonderful smell of coffee brewing and Grandma making a big breakfast explaining to me that Papa will take me to work with him as she goes to show a house. I ended up going to work with Papa every morning that week and I loved it! 

He ran the hardware store in town, I had lots of things to do in helping him open the store up for the day and everyone who came in was out going and friendly just like Papa.

I admired such a life in such a town, I thought a lot about Papa never being rude to any customer, for he was always showing me how things worked in his shop and what I could do to help, Oh how happy he was being there!

Every morning we opened the shop and every lunch hour we crossed the street to the cafe where Grandma met us and we talked about the rest of the afternoon, for I had little cousins to play with and cookies to bake with my Auntie Val so the week flew by in all kinds of good times and good memories.

My Grandparents lived such a lovely life together back when I was 9 years old, I thought it was wonderful opening the church up on Sunday with them, setting out donuts and cookies, setting out old hymnals and stacking up the new programs to hand out as people began to arrived. I waited there at the double doors with Papa greeting everyone who walked in for the morning service. While Grandma loved telling everyone who I was "This is Delbert's oldest, Debby or Little Dee as we call her." I was thrilled, I was delighted for I met so many new people that Sunday, while also seeing my beloved Aunts in their Sunday dresses. I would race up to them for a hug and say how beautiful they were! 

Then I would walk around all by myself knowing that I was never really alone in that big noisy church, I had Uncles and Aunts mingling all over the place, I had really cool cousins going into high school and I had adorable little cousins in kindergarten.  I took it all in with such gratitude!

If I could of never left then I would of lived happily ever after right then and there!

Papa played cards and Grandma read a magazine in their living room at the same time as I was drawing once again on the floor. 

The word "Peacefulness." came to my mind. 

I wanted that kind of life.

It had been a very busy active fun week, to the Carnival, to the river, to the public pool, to the church and to the park I was sometimes with Aunt Kaisie, Auntie Val or Aunt Vee. But it was those calming down evenings with my Grandparents that I truly loved. We all went to bed at the same time and we all got up at the same time with the day full of life! Those nice summer nights when everyone was gone and we just relaxed made me feel so safe and so truly blessed!

 On one afternoon while Trina and Cally and I watched "Old Yeller." a classic movie about a friendship between a kid and his dog, the 3 of us ended the movie holding each other close, we burst out sobbing wrapped in each other's arms while Grandma came in to see what had happen to her granddaughters she exclaimed "Oh Dear! I have traumatized you girls with this movie! I thought it was suitable for kids!?!?" Then we laughed explaining to her how we loved it, how we really did, truly, deeply loved it so much that we cried in happiness and in sadness all together! 

(Over the last 30 years since that moment in time I have noticed that we 3 girls love animals very much! With a devoted passion and understanding how the circle of life is made better with our help!)

That week of staying there with my Grandparents will always be like stepping back in time from my memories, I can see it as real and as alive as I am today. 

I can remember thinking back then during those days that I had never been so happy in my whole life!

 so I knew even as I sat there entertaining myself with cattails and clover that these were the days I would remember all through my life, as I sat watching the sun set from out front of my grandparents home on that big big rock I sat facing the horizon in pure joy, peace of mind and true love of life!

I whispered out towards God "I will never forget how wonderful it all is! how someday I will look back and wish I was right here once again!"

Rainbow Bright!

    When was I just a kid, a 9 year old kid to be exact. 
I remember my mother curling my blonde hair every Wednesday evening in order to look good for church.

    She would get both my sister and I ready in much the same way lots of hair spray to keep all the curls in place. For it was very important to our mother that everyone looked good before going out. And even though you will never find hair spray in my home now, I still take her same pride in how I look before I leave my home every time.

(AWANA. (derived from the first letters of "Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed" as taken from 2 Timothy 2:15 it's an international evangelical Christian nonprofit organization founded in 1950)
Where these groups of kids would play games, winning prizes and cheering on their teammates. )

In AWANA every Wednesday night my mother would escort me to my team leader who was one of her good friends. A very competitive lady, whose rule book was as thick as the bible it self!
My mother and her friend came from the same society and belief system. They would be able to keep an eye on me as I tried to make new friends so desperately! 
I failed miserably of course in trying to do everything right for my team, while also wanting to "fit in" I struggled all over the place socially!
AWANA is made of 4 teams in colors of Red, Blue, Green and Yellow that hang out at each corner of the Church's gym. Then the games begin! 
Racing around in some competitive way for first, second or third places gave our teams points through out the night in order to win the big bag of candy at the end of the program. Other points came from standing to attention, wearing our vests, carrying our bibles, and bringing a new friend. We got points for every bible verse recited from memory. We got points for being quiet during the bible story time. We got points for doing additional projects from our AWANA books on our own time. My mother placed me on the winning team, it was always shocking if we didn't win at the end of the night. Our leader was very passionate about always winning in fact she carried extra bibles in her bag for extra points. She was always lecturing me on needing to learn how to read, since I struggled in saying my bible verses unless someone read them to me first then I would memorize what they said in order to gain a point. Facing my father every Wednesday night was scary if I was in trouble for not saying my bible verses I got the belt no hesitation. It made me very quick on my feet in surviving those days back then! I was bullied and teased for being such a strange child, all the kids on my team were successful in everything we faced for the night. Being 9 years old with a Mother hovering around and a team leader who gave a full report on my behavior if she had left to check out her other kids in other rooms of the church, I lived in such deep fear in failing, I lived a very lonely time while wanting a best friend above anything else only to trust a kid on my team as they turned on me when the others came around. If I messed up a game and we lost a point everyone of them was in my face! 
So really I loved and hated AWANA, every week I got ready with such hope for a better time then the week before.....
My Mom always had advice for me in seeking out the most popular kid on my team, but I came to learn that kid was always the meanest one of all!
My Dad would warn me as I left that I had better of said 2 more bible verses then the last time, so I was determined to say my verses first every time before I would forget the words I had heard, then I could relax and enjoy the rest of the night.

It was not a good year in my life being 9 years old, even the week I spent with my Grandparents stays with me 30 years later! 
Towards the end of that AWANA year I made a best friend after all, she was very much like me in messing up a lot and being made fun of, so I rescued her from my own personal experience I knew exact how she felt and why she burst out crying through the night until we made a deep connection!

In AWANA as we cheered on our team mates and collected the points from our godly behavior, the director came out to announced that the yellow team needed more kids on it and so who would like to move over there? I didn't hesitate, I didn't stop for a second as I grabbed my stuff up from the "never loosing Green team" to the "always last Yellow team"
I was about to run off to my new nicer team leader an elderly lady who always smiled so nicely at me even though I had never actually met her. In my quick thinking my Green team lader grabbed me by the arm exclaiming "This isn't just for tonight! It's a permanent move, you can't ever come back to us! I don't think you understand what is happening here....." I smiled big and nodded my head at her "Yes I know exactly what is happening here, I am leaving right now! I want to be on the Yellow team!"
The director clapped at me and thanked me for being so quick to help out the teams. I hugged my new leader with such pure joy! I was meeting new kids with high fives and refreshing new energy, they all embraced me like a hero! I felt so overwhelmingly free! So overwhelming accepted just as I was! I stood for a moment in awe of my quick thinking, my clever wit and I wonder what kind of punishment awaited for me? A raging Father? A raging mother? The cold shoulder from my old team leader? I wondered to myself "How did I just know to do this? To get on this team that I had admired for so long in how nice they were to each other? I didn't go ask my mother first, I didn't wait for them to just pick me to move, I went in the very second it was offered, I didn't have any doubt in myself for I knew it was a perfect moment for me to escape my horrid team!
I was a loser on the Green Team, then I became the Coolest kid on the Yellow team! I was in such awe of myself!
My yellow team leader would always laugh at the things I would say and nodded her head proudly at me as if I "got it." in life so that my was place to be in Awana! I was right where I felt like I should be!
And then there was the ride home that night.......
My inner peace held out as my mother cried on "WHAT were you THINKING!?!?!?! The yellow team is always the one with the worse points and they NEVER win!?!?!?" Her raging on even when my father saw her made him title his head at me in questioning as he simply sent me to bed and I thought "Thank you God, I will take Mom's anger over Dad's anger any day of the week!"
Then as I prayed in bed I thought of my new wonderfully nice leader who will now help me in bible verses and never ever yell at me like the one before!

So as a kid I truly loved Awana! 
As a young adult and a leader in AWANA I gave every kid their own voice as much possible coming from my own experience. For I knew that the less fear they had the stronger and happier they would be. Even though I got chewed out for being so slack on the rules I knew in my core being that I was right in how I handled my own team. 
All of those high fives and hugs were worth so much more then winning! 
You can be popular for a day, and always win in life but Where is your soul and honest heart beat? 
Where is your true value? 
Where is YOUR own Yellow team full of love and support? 

Some kids never step out of line, and some kids like myself run like hell to the other side of the rainbow!

Seek The Profound!

The Profound

      
   

 My husband Tony said to me just the other day, "You are full of profound things, some people go through their whole lives never learning what you know."

  I chuckled at his observation saying back at him with smirk "Those Lucky Bastards." then we laughed together.
As he knows that I don't like any of things I have gone through. I told him I feel like Frodo from Lord of the Rings, for I want to just stay in the shire! "I wish the ring had never come to me".......when Gandalf says "So do all who live to see such times....." then I feel understood. Give me back my life 10 years ago and see the happiest of people that I was!
....and now I am deeper then sea, stronger then the sun and always seeking profound things!

My husband use to say when we were first married "Just chill out and watch a comedy! Not everything has to be so Profound!"
I realized that I loved to seek out the wonder in this world, to experience all the human emotions in a logical way finding a connection between them and our intuition. The family we are born into, the society in history and the connections in our first community fall us all through the years as friends come and go and family traditions change. 
Being married to a man who likes to discuss meaningful things, who admires me always if not teasing often to remind me that we can't take everything so seriously, who helps me to kick back and just laugh! I find that to be profound in it's own way, when he's discourage I cheer him on and when I am very sad he tells a joke!
I explained to him  "I suppose it all started when I was little and I was surrounded by the most amazing bible stories! I was in awe of these miracles of God so I began to seek the profound as young as 3 years old! It's IN my blood, no matter all I have learned since then it that WOW factor I seek! Like when the prophet Elijah was on Mt. Carmel asking God to prove himself to the people and fire came down from heaven..." Tony stared at me a second then burst out laughing "Was there a Mt. Chocolate syrup too?" We laughed. I explained "I'm saying that I have been surrounded by the "Profound" all of my life and it's why I seek it out so much. And Elijah had a nervous break down afterwords too so when I go back to read or study the bible now I see so much more information that I missed before, that's another profound thing for me!"

We all can seek the profound at any time in our lives.
The profound is anything that sparks awareness in you. That gives you a better understanding over your life, it can help you change or adapt to so much new information all is constantly moving around you. I often look back at some of my profound things in my list from the past, and think of how I had forgotten about that......

My aunt said to me once "You've been wearing rose colored glasses ever since I knew you, I think it's your survival technique."     Profound.

Another one of my aunts said to me "You've been on a quest your whole life to understand your parents better. I was amazed you never gave up!"
  Profound.

Then my Aunt who babysat me the most while I grew up shared "You were born into our lives full of such deep love, and never forget that God is love pure and simple, there is only one God who is full of only love!"
  Profound.

To live with love is how I handled the last 2 decades. To stay focused on the profound is how I've entertained myself, I even found pure joy in all things along the way....my peace of mind is that I will never end my desire to learn something new, to feel that "Whoa!" or "Wow!" that anything profound gives me.

Having lunch the other day with a beloved friend as I commented "I've completely forgotten what I use to believe in or what I use to do with my life before 2017 came along...." she commented back "Well you always advised me to take the high road, and I want to really thank you." I burst out into giggles and replied "I hope I wasn't very annoying, Tony once asked me in his frustration "Why do ya always have to take the high road?" I had forgotten about that!"  
Profound, just being alive leaves me feeling profound.

Right now my profound things on my list are;

Trauma stays in our brain.
The U2 song "Stuck in a Moment You can't get out." hit me hard the first time I heard, I cried so much from my own memories, I kept singing "Stand up straight and carry your own weight."  Then I began to realize how our personal stories come from how we felt in the moment, how we struggle through our own eyes as a moment becomes a memory that won't let go of us. 
We live on and react to current events from that one place of trauma unless we learn how to heal first.

Get you shit together.

The first time I ever heard this I exclaimed "Whoa, Well now that makes sense for my shit is all over the place! I have 3 full time jobs I can't live like this! I'm going crazy here!" 
Boom, just like that I got organized.
Get your shit together is the best advice for a better life! 

No one is born with social anxiety.

I had no idea what anxiety was until I started dating my husband when I was 20, he had these moments of freezing up in mid-sentence or in action back then, the social anxiety he had was profound to me!
Then one day I read "No one is born with social anxiety, chances are you've been around horrible people that wear ya down into such a anxious mess! If you find yourself panicking when people come around you then you should ask yourself "Are these good or bad people?" and try to breath through it until you can escape and realize what trauma messages are stuck in your head from it.
For only good people will ALWAYS understand your anxiety, and try to help you through your fears.
"Don't socialize with horrible people if you can help it." 
I was in awe at the profound message and share it with him right away! We worked together right away to lessen those attacks in him.
 Lately I have been using those tips on how to breath through it when my own anxiety rises when I think to myself "Nothing is as it should be." my heart races on without me so I have to stop and allow myself to focus on grace for my helpless feeling in deep painful grief, for I have lost one of my favorite people to hang out with so now my social anxiety kicks in with the lack of such a good person like my brother Derek in my life...."Nothing will ever be as it should be, not ever, yet I'm still breathing through it."

Live The Example

I have been recently trying to practice this, instead of saying "You are not listening me." I am trying to turn it around on myself "Am I listening to them?" 
"Live the example." is what my husband said to me when I was venting about not being heard or not being respected. 
He explained "The only way people can change is by watching how you treat them first." I was in awe of this! I had been thinking that I need to demand my own place on this earth in standing up for myself boldly but then I wondered if I gave those around me the same opportunity to be heard just as they are?

Watch out for Sociopaths.  

I asked myself in taking a quiz in a magazine "am I a sociopath?" and the quiz/test went on to explain "If you are asking yourself if you are one then you are most defiantly NOT, because they would never ask that about themselves." 
Whoa! my mind is blown! and I laughed at myself.

(I also hope someone would tell me if they thought that I was a sociopath!)

Happy People are hated by most.
This profound statement left me in mid bite of my salad, I was taken by surprise having never ever thought myself. "Isn't it our hearts desire to be as happy as we can be? Why would anyone hate that? Especially found in those around them???????" I was completely lost in this profound new information! and yet.....and yet it completely made sense to me in explaining why I struggled so much among so many groups of different people through out my whole life! If I had know this as a child would I of chosen to be less happy? If I had know this going into the hospital every day to see my mother would I've dimmed my light? Could I kept more friends if I hadn't been so deeply truly happy? That balance between sensitivity to others and bursting forth such light of pure brilliant happiness is something I have always struggled with! "Happy people are hated by most."  I sat chewing slowly, thinking deeply through out my last 35 years on this earth, YUP! This makes the list of my profound things!

The Profound is never done.
As the movie "The Tree of Life." played on my husband joked around, he was tweeting or twittering as we watched on until I paused the film and said to him "I think you should go do something that amuses you more." He was bewildered and said that he would be better, then as the movie played he exclaimed "What the hell just happened!?!?" I sighed and paused the movie explaining it all up to the moment and so he left the room annoyed "Why does everything have to be so damn Profound these days?!?!" and I laughed at him leaving while I happily enjoyed the rest of the story by myself..... 

I will always seek the profound this is true, and yet I will never forget to also just play on this beautiful earth! For like the book "Life of Pi." we have a choice in how we see our life, our adventures and our struggles. 
I am sometimes the tiger and sometimes the boy in a boat on the ocean as it's the journey that is my real story.

A great song

Live Again

               I paused for a moment in understanding how everything had gone wrong and yet I was strong enough to be there, I said "When she wakes up to see everyone standing around her hospital bed then she will know instantly that she had almost died." I knew my life long friend Tiffany very well, for she even lived with me a whole summer right after her divorce.

I was there back in the day when she was dating more like courting her husband. Being friends with both of them made my high school memories wonderful! Their wedding was spectacular! As a brides maid I felt like a real life fairy for the day in all the magic of celebrating their love and friendship. Of course when Tiffany threw up right before walking down the aisle I held her long curly hair back from the toilet in full concern of her white wedding dress. I thought to myself in that moment "I don't think I want  my very first kiss to be at that alter after all....?"   Since she was about to be married her strict rules of Godly conduct and proper virtue was constantly hounded into us since we were 10 years old. 

I understood her world, for we lived in it together. Home schooled out on the country side a few miles from each other where every Sunday we saved a chair for each other in Sunday school, in morning and evening services, in potlucks and plays we grew up in much the same way, and so in the same church for years we even graduated from "high school" the same year. I never had trouble telling her exactly how I feel when we argued, when we challenged each other. And she was always protective of me.....

And so I watched over her that August night just last year....

The summer of 2017 found us walking arm in arm through the beautiful morning of downtown Boise Idaho. We had been paid a complement for our bright colors, flowing skirts and pure joy in being together! The server said "Are you ladies in a show? or a performance?" Tiffany smirked "I wish!" I laughed explaining "This is just what we usually wear for summer time." He burst out "I wish more people would dress like this! It's so refreshing and inspiring, You have made my day with your joy in life!' Tiffany added "She and I have been friends for 28 years!" he walked away smiling saying "Incredible!" 

We laughed and continued on in our conversation, then on our walk through downtown Tiffany had a breathing attack in which I held her for support. I told her face to face against the summer mid morning light "Listen to me, for you know I am not an advocate in seeing doctors or taking pills but YOU need to get into an appointment, something is very wrong." Tiff chuckled explaining "I think something has been very wrong with me for a couple of years now but I don't have medical coverage.' I sighed back helplessly "I hate this country's health care system, Doctors live in mansions while single mothers die...." We carefully walked back to the car and I knew in my heart something was very wrong with Tiffany.

Just last year Tiffany went in for surgery, her daughter Abby and I sat beside her bed as they prepared for her. The 3 of us held hands in our bravery, in our tears and our smiles. The night before I had cooked up a great dinner where my husband said that she will be just fine for he's had many surgeries himself. We all enjoyed the evening with many stories in laughter, with many hugs and encouragement!   Tiffany turned to my husband Tony saying "You guys have always been such good good friends to me, I know that I was difficult when I lived with you but I am glad we stayed friends!" Tony nodded to me with a knowing smile "It's all her, she knows how to care for people and stay right by their side no matter what." I felt so grateful for that night in the back of my mind was "What if she dies tomorrow? Am I ready that?"  Before she drove home that night which was just around the corner actually we had been neighbors almost 2 years.....Tiffany turned to hug me saying "If I die tomorrow know that I'm so sorry, I love you like a sister!" I commented back "If you die tomorrow...I will go postal!" we chuckled nervously waving goodbye.

Her surgery was going to be 2 hours, she had asked me to be there along side her 16 year old daughter, the last thing she said was "I am so grateful for my life, for all of it even the bad times because it makes me appreciate the good times even more, and I can't wait to breath again!"

Only 45 minuets later her Doctor appeared saying "First of all she is stable, she is resting now....." My heart went to my throat, I was right where I was meant to be, and this is what adulthood feels like a call to bravery, a call to strength when I simply wanted to run away in fear! A deep breath out I am ever so grateful she is alive! Thank you God!

my next thoughts were I needed to call her sister Molly, my dearest and sweetest friend too, she had been keeping a close connection with me through out this day, for her big sister was in a dangerous situation. If there is anything 2017 taught me it's that we only get this day to love our family, to love our friends because it will suddenly end.

The ICU is the safest place in the hospital, I walked around with such familiarity since my mother spent 2 weeks or more there.....I knew that Tiffany was very aware of the fact she had almost died in surgery. We didn't speak it but she knew when she would wink at me or do a thumbs up. I had a chat with her very protective daughter about how this whole situation is much bigger then us, that nothing went like it should of so we have to adapt now. It was impressive to see the room fill with everyone who loved her!

I had a very sweet emotional phone chat with Tiffany's youngest daughter Tally, to where I assured her that her mother will never be alone. That her mother will need more time to recover from this. When Tally was hanging up feeling better and braver, she said "Thank you for being my friend, and letting me know what is going on." I chuckled to myself of how being a friend is what I know best....I don't know how to be a doctor or a lawyer but I do know how to be a friend.

Every day for a week I brought Tiffany a smoothie, I joked around with her or just took a nap beside her hospital bed. When people came in shouting I was annoyed "She's not deaf, she just can't speak." Tiffany would laugh till she hurt, we would talk about her near death experience. She wrote to me "You talk to the professionals exactly how I would, it's very refreshing to have someone so familiar looking out for me." I grinned "Well, we did grow up in the very same community at the very same time in history. Our social traits, our mannerisms and our way in communicating are all coming from the very same society. All you have to do is say one word and I will know what you mean." 

She wrote "Grateful." I nodded proudly "Exactly!"

3 weeks later as I moved out of Boise, Tiffany came to see in my old place as I was cleaning it. "Debby?" she called out from upstairs and I dropped my mop, my heart was racing as I ran to see her "You can speak again! Hallelujah! What a wonderful voice you have, I've missed it so much!"

Learning to live again is such a big part of being alive. Being simply grateful is how I hope to move forward, as Tiffany sang out so beautifully, as she gave it her all in the pure sadness of Shawnee's funeral, I sat crying listening and slowly singing along thinking to myself how important Tiffany has been, how important her whole family has been to me. That it's such a miracle to hear her singing like we were thirteen again......

I said to Tiffany just a week ago, "I feel like I am running out of time, that in the blink of an eye I will have died so I better get my projects done now." She replied back in full understanding "I feel the exact same way. There is so much to do! Some much life to still live!"

First Light - Lindsey Stirling

This is exactly how being alive feels. 

This is a perfect video to get me back into dancing like this again, for I've forgotten who I once was to be honest and so Lindsey brings new light to my face again with her pure magic!

(Remember when I would go swinging as well? Swinging, Dancing and Singing I've missed it all so much)

So this is how I will face the future once again......

Aware of August

     

It has been a smokey sunny day here in August, I've been spending as much time as possible throwing the ball or Frisbee in the back yard with my Oscar. For he will turn 12 years old this September......
12 years, when you say it like that it makes me feel both reflective and alarmed.

He is my dog and I am his friend to the very end.

This August has us getting out early together to water everything and to play ball.

Then we take a nap together cuddling on the guest bed which is usually his own bedroom now. He gets grumpy, he gets annoyed to be around the other pets for to long so we have our own times through out the days of summer.

Oscar loves the cool evenings, he sits off under the apple tree watching over the whole back yard in his regal ways. I cook dinner, clean the house or care for the other pets while he simply keeps to himself outside in the lovely weather, then at night we run around playing under the starry sky!

When bed time comes around 10pm he is very ready for me to kiss him good night and close the guest room door where in the early morning my husband will return to let him out and about with him for a couple of hours before I get up with the other 2 dogs and keep this rotation helps us make sure that Oscar is never able to attack Minnie again.

We stay aware of his elderly ways in suddenly snapping at the cats

when they get to close to him or trying to control Minnie, who went deaf awhile ago. 
I love my time with Oscar against the sunshine, against the wind, against the cool evenings as I cuddle him on my lap or as I run in circles on the freshly cut grass. I often carry him around as he always lays his wet nose into my neck or on my shoulders.

These are the retirement days of all my dogs, so I don't push them out into the world, I simply watch what their bodies are telling me in how they feel. With pillows and blankets every where our home is a pet paradise, with the AC on and many big bowls of water through out the bedrooms my cats and dogs love getting in out of the heat of summer.
I love that I can create a utopia, a peaceful place for all the needs of my family.

My love for Oscar runs deep into the hands of time, and all the years we have lived together!

We are brilliant together, we are happy!
We are in the summer season once again!